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It is one month away from graduation day and so far i have been trying myself to keep up with the phase. I have been struggling since. It just keep on getting worse. I am trying my best to stay positive but still i can’t. I can’t come back to the normal phase. It consumes my mind and want complete control. Grade 12 is one of the worst shits. This thing affected me, my relationships to people, my academic performance and especially my dreams. It made me lazy and it made me not to do things. It makes me cry in the middle of the night and when i woke up. I don’t think someone around me understands this. My pillows are always wet because of me sobbing so hard. I always had in me a rosary beads. I always hold it whenever i feel like my heart is very heavy and i keep on crying and saying “Lord, my heart is tired. Please help.” but i don’t know if He hears it but i’m crying my heart out.
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So long live the reckless and the brave I don’t think I want to be saved My song has not been sung And long live the fast times, so come what may. I don’t think I’ll ever be saved Our song has not been sung Long live us
Music is always a healer. Music has never let me down. I know it’s my religion. There’s the idea that you can’t truly know happiness until you know sadness, so how can you heal yourself unless you’ve hurt yourself? I’m still figuring out who I am, but I know that I’m not who I was.
The Morning After I Killed Myself
The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.
The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.
"open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why"
1. Neosporin is really good for stretch marks. (for people who dislike them but always know that there’s nothing wrong with having stretchmarks!) 2. Clean rooms bring good energy. Open your blinds and turn some music on a get to work. You will feel great! 3. The first thing you should drink in the morning is water, nothing else. Try to drink three cups throughout the day. It not only helps you lose weight but clears your skin. 4. Sometimes you just have to read certain shit and not respond, not everybody deserves to hear your answers. 5. Face masks are great. Find whichever kind you think you’ll like best and put it on after you take a shower and just chill in bed. 6. Too much coconut oil clogs your pores. Use it wisely. 7. Going to bed at a decent time is cool. Don’t let your phone distract you, the earlier the sleep the more energy you’ll have the next. More sleep = more motivation to get your work done. just do it. 8. Naps are good and sometimes it’s okay to not do that one page of homework and call it quits to get rest. 9. If you hate just plain water and you can’t stand drinking it put lemons and other fruits in it. 10. Water with lemon cleans your system out nicely and makes you urine more. 11. Eight tracks is a good app for new music and playlist. If you haven’t used it try it. Music always makes things better. 12. Keep your private life to yourself or else you will have to face other people’s ugly comments. 13. Try to read at least 5 books this year or more, especially if you don’t like reading. Reading benefits you in many ways, you will be proud. 14. If you have the time to get chores or homework done then do it, don’t tell yourself you’ll do it later. 15. Invest in good bath products, soaps and bath bombs and bath oils. they will do your skin wonders. 16. Invest in good hair products too, make sure you buy things for your hair type. 17. If you want to have sex then have sex and do you, forget the comments. Bring your own condoms if you must. 18. Be friends with who you want to be friends with. You don’t have to be friend everybody. 19. Always stick up for yourself, but if you are wrong and you are being told so, take time to think and accept it. 20. Keep an extra pair of panties, pads/tampons, chapstick and headphones on you just in case. 21. Cranberry juice, yogurt, pineapples, apple juice and just natural sweet things in general.. eat it. I hope you catch my drift. 22. Mens shaving cream works better than woman’s, it makes you skin softer and hair stays gone longer. 23. Men’s razors provide a closer shave. Invest in them. 24. Buying lingerie or pretty undergarments in general will make you feel so much more confident. 25. Sometimes it’s good to just listen to people talk and let them talk for the sake of you not arguing and loosing brain cells. 26. Everybody should take a bath a few times out of the week or months. Baths open your pores and yes showers are cool but baths are A1. 27. Always put on lotion after you finish bathing too. You want your skin nice and smooth at all times. 28. Save your money. as soon as you get it the first thing you shouldn’t buy is food. buy things that will last and benefit you. 29. Mind your own business. Who cares about what the next person is doing? Just do you. 30. Organize your closet. 31. Always be nice to people who are always nice to you. 32. Compliment other people. It’s good to uplift anybody. If you think somebody’s shoes are cute just tell them. 33. Treat yourself to pasta and something nice to drink on Friday nights after a long week. Pasta makes everything better. 34. Just learn to love yourself and who you are as a person. 35. You have a right to feel whatever emotion you feel, don’t judge your emotions. 36. If you are sensitive and people bash you for it, don’t listen to their ignorant words. Sensitive people are usually emphatic. 37. Make a grocery list before you go shopping regardless of how lazy you are. 38. Take walks. If you feel bad and need to breathe, plug in your headphones and walk. They clear your mind. 39. Keep a journal and write in it whenever you feel as if you have nobody to speak to. It’s a good way to get rid of things inside. 40. If you’re confident and you think you are the shit then you keep doing that. Or fake it till you make it. 41. Embrace insults. If somebody calls you a name turn around and flip it. People hate to see you unbothered. 42. Try to use natural/organic and cruelty free skincare/haircare products. Limit nasty chemicals, it’s good for both you and the environment.
Tips on how to feel better and look better by @contourkits (via clahrify)
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Some days will seem like nights: dark. You’ll have a hard time moving around without bumping into every potential problem you have. You have to learn from these days though, because the things that go on in your mind, the decisions you have to make, the fights that you’ll have with yourself; they’ll all collectively set you free from the person who you used to be.
Twonty2, Turning on the Light (via wnq-writers)
i thought everything will go to plan but then something is not right
why do i smell something peanutbutter-yyy in the house
take me into an acoustic session
This got to be one of my year-ender song. x
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Well i guess its fun to read again Betty and Veronica Digest Magazine for the holidays.
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. Read by Jeremy Irons. (via guro-tan)
“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.
Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, a certain initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.”
