sobriety saved me

i kinda of see it as day 10/14 because 14 was my original goal but it's also like, day 10/the foreseeable future... but i try not to think about that too much. day by day has been the way.

the clarity i'm starting to experience is hard to describe. you just can't comprehend how it'll feel until you get the toxins (alcohol) out of your system and then you feel it for real. mind-altering substance is definitely the thing to call it.

i'm very spiritual and i feel like getting that physical poison out of me for this long means i'm opening up more and more to what the universe/God/all that is all out there is trying to tell me. i feel very receptive right now. synchronicities all around... that's all i will say.

i'm definitely feeling some of the pressure from my social life to drink. it is so very normalized in our world and i am learning that there isn't much room or consideration for people who don't have a good relationship with alcohol, and for those who choose to stay sober because of such. people be acting like they understand and they praise you but then invite you out knowing full well you're expected to drink.

and i don't blame them if they've never been in my shoes and never experienced the hell that comes with abusing alcohol. some people drink and don't think twice about it. good for them - but that's not me. which has taken me a long time to come to terms with.

moving forward... i am continuing to find one reason not to drink every day, just for the day. i.e.: "i have plans to see my friend tomorrow and i don't want to be hungover." "i have work tomorrow and i feel and perform better when i'm not hungover." "i have schoolwork to do today and if i drink i probably won't do it."

and tie those in with my bigger life ambitions... i.e., wanting to finish school this year (so i need to do that schoolwork today), wanting to make good and healthy decisions socially and in all areas of my life (which typically does not happen when i get drunk).

Bataille de Castillon, le 17 juillet 1453 (1839)

it's like day 1.5 because ya girl started over but I forever stand by the notion that I am never giving up on my life or myself.

i did the whole "throw out all remaining alcohol and buy a pack of flavored seltzer waters and some face masks and some candy for comfort" thing but at the end the day let's be honest, none of that matters and this journey would still happen without that stuff.

it's time to address the inside. without candy. haha.

it will forever be a root issue that seltzer water can't fix and i've gotten closer to wanting to go there.

Even worse, she refuses to seek out resources to help her or attempt to become sober.

She spreads negativity and vitriol when she should be focusing on her healing journey.

I told her I need space because I don't want to be around her when she's screaming and cursing, and going on rants. I can't deal with that right now.