this friday will be exactly 1 year since the day I decided to take my health and fitness seriously.
the usual caveat: a lot of things had to have crossover periods of remission in order for me to do it at all.
I WISH I had a before and after photo but I don't have any real befores because I felt so awful, physically and emotionally. I didn't start taking progress photos until I'd already made serious visible changes and felt ok looking at myself. I can't believe how much better I feel now. My joints don't hurt nearly as much, probably because I've strengthened a lot of the muscles around them, but I'm also carrying around 40+ lbs less body weight. when I do my barbell curls or lift free weights, it really hits me that I was carrying the equivalent of these on my body and it really helps drive home how much of a change I've made
I don't know if I've EVER experienced the kind of euphoria I felt this past week when I saw my first visible bicep and shoulder veins while lifting. literally giggling uncontrollably and had to stop mid-rep. oh my god. my delts are visible, my triceps are visible. it's tough because my primary comparisons are social media and the other people in my gym, but I think if I take into account the broader american population, I'm definitely in the top 20% of cis women my age in terms of muscle mass and general fitness. my asthma is still a SIGNIFICANT limiting factor to intense cardio, but I can now run a 13 minute mile, 12 if I push myself. the benchmark for "good" for a "beginner" is sub-10 minutes but, for an asthmatic, I think 12 is perfectly acceptable for now.
although, nothing like losing ~40 lbs to realize you actually need to lose more like 55 to reach your goal. and I have some degree of loose skin already now (mostly back of arms, stomach, upper thigh, mid back), which bums me out a little because I didn't think the change(s) would be drastic enough for that but apparently they are. nothing to be done about that except some careful clothing choices I suppose. and some of it, like my arms, will fill back out as I gain additional muscle and reduce the loose appearance
idk, overall, I'm feeling pretty good. it still hasn't fixed my passive suicidal ideation, I still very much do not want to be here, but it's an adequate daily distraction from that for now. "best I've ever felt" is still pretty Bad, I'm still having flare ups of chronic illness stuff that can knock me out for days at a time RIP. but my retail shifts no longer obliterate me, my resting heart rate is mid to high 60s, which is pretty good for someone with a panic disorder whose previous resting heart rate was in the 90s. idk. this time next year, I want to have abs lmao
