creamy

My grandpa just sent THE best Christmas email ever, so all the rest of y’all can stop trying

Imagine showing this to a doctor in the 1950s.

when i was a kid i used to have the first episode of camp lazlo memorized like shot for shot line for line so when i was on long car rides i would just be like “ok im gonna watch tv now” and my parents would be like wtf this kid talking about

I love bears they’re so fucking big and dumb

the foundation of wlw and mlm solidarity is the looks we give each other when straight ppl are talking about Straight People Stuff

vampires really should be able to get drunk they literally have to be alive forever let them have this

hc: vampires have no blood so they get drunk faster than people

charlie pulling over a shirtless carlisle at 4 am: dr cullen your blood alcohol content is literally 100% how are you not dead carlisle: au contraire im absolutely dead

I did not expect a decent twilight joke on my dash in 2019, but nevertheless there it is and it’s hilarious.

Why my parents so old and stupid fuck off

“Honor your father and your mother”

“Gargle my dick and balls”

the pain of departure pulls him from his dreams, his nightmares, his vast and unspeakable visions of beyond. god bless the back of the beast, for it is all that keeps us from his terrible awareness.

*stops time, jerks off everyone im fighting, time resumes, they all cum at once and while theyre cumming i slit their throats*

couldn’t….you just….slit their throats while time was frozen?

i had no time