benjy fenwick

☼ location: tba (can be in a public or private location)

Never had Benjy imagined that things would go this wrong. It was a risky plan from the beginning, trying to get away with breaking into Gringotts. So many members of the Order were risking their freedom and gambling with a life sentence to Azkaban for this mission. Benjy had not been at the scene of the heist himself, but he had supplied much of the information regarding Gringotts and its many anti-theft traps. It wouldn’t be good for Benjy as a Curse Breaker to be caught at such a scene. 

Yet now he found himself conducting more Curse Breaker work, though it not what he was used to. Short on Auror staff, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement had ordered for Curse Breakers to help carry out investigations regarding the now missing Hufflepuff Cup. It was a valued magical item, after all-- though its true value was nowhere near what the Ministry thought it was.

Benjy looked down at the first name on the long list of potential witnesses, hostage victims, and suspects he’d been given. He swallowed, then raised a hand to knock at the door, which opened up to reveal his first interviewee. Benjy cleared his throat. “Hello-- sorry to disturb. My name is Benjamin Fenwick, I’m a Curse Breaker with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. If you’d be so kind, I’d like to ask you some questions.”

@benjyxfenwick​

It was like nothing had changed, like no time had passed. Without words, all that was left was the way his body fit with hers as he leaned over her and that was just right. Nowhere had ever felt quite so much like home to Caitriona as being in Benjy’s arms, as if his embrace were her ecological niche and thousands of years of evolution had brought her here. She slid her hand from his hair and let it skate across his jaw and down his neck, tracing the lines of his throat and relishing the warmth of his skin against her fingers as she opened her mouth beneath his. The irrational, lovesick part of her, which was the part of her that was in control at the moment, felt like all she would ever need was to just stay here and breathe him in.

Of course, reality has a way of breaking through even the thickest haze, and Caitriona’s stomach clenched at Benjy’s words. Was he trying to say that she was still someone he loved? Or did he mean that it wasn’t any of her business because she wasn’t a factor in his decision? She didn’t know what to do with the uncertainty; she’d always felt like she understood Benjy, and even when she didn’t she’d never hesitated to ask. Now everything was so delicate. She didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing and lose the soft way he was looking at her or the wary hope blooming in her chest. She wanted to ask if the people he loved had a say in what he sacrificed for them, but she didn’t know if she was allowed to, if she counted in that number. All she knew was she loved him, and she didn’t want to see him hurting. So she bit her tongue and held her own counsel.

Benjy’s hand in hers was an anchor for Caitriona, as it always had been, steading her even as his presence galvanized her. It gave her the courage to hear him out and not immediately balk at what he was saying; she knew he was right, it was far too dangerous for him to stay at the party. She didn’t want to think about what would happen if the wrong person found out that he was a member of the Order of the Phoenix. There were some known, or at least strongly suspected, members who were either too public or too powerful to eliminate, but Benjy was neither of those things. At the same time the idea of walking away from him, or worse watching him walk away, was unbearable. 

When Benjy said he didn’t want to leave her, Caitriona’s heart leapt and all she wanted to do was throw her arms around him and beg him to stay. But Caitriona was not her father. No matter how deep her feelings ran, she didn’t act on them without reason; her mother raised her better than that. They couldn’t stay out on the balcony indefinitely, someone would wonder why the door was closed or Regulus would come looking for her or even another couple could come looking for a private rendezvous of their own. And as much as Caitriona hated the idea of going back to slinking around in secret; it wasn’t her preference that mattered but Benjy’s safety. So instead, she made another offer that harkened to a bygone era. “We could go somewhere. I could meet you at the corner, after you talk to whoever you need to.” After a moment’s hesitation, she drew courage from the weight of his hand in hers and threw caution to the wind. “You know, you’ve seen my house, but I haven’t seen where you live.”

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Everything in that moment felt so precarious, so carefully balanced but still with the threat of one gust of wind being able to send everything toppling over. He didn’t want to leave that balcony, the sensation of her promising lips on his, the memory of her face in the cold night, or Caitriona in general. He wanted to stay in the tiny isolated world they had created for themselves and live in it forever. Benjy knew he couldn’t remain there, that after they both left, it would be like turning back the clock. They’d be stepping back into a world where they both had to pretend neither one existed and like her kiss hadn’t made Benjy feel more alive than he had in years. 

Caitriona’s words, however, demonstrated to him that it was not all completely over just yet. His eyes widened in wonder at her suggested rendezvous and instinctively, his lips twitched into a grin. Despite the seriousness of the state he found himself in, he found his heart racing with adrenaline, though more out of excitement than anything. “I’ll meet you outside, down the street by the Muggle telephone booth.” 

“It’s nothing special,” Benjy remarked with a shrug, his hand squeezing hers. The fact that she wanted to see his flat sending his thoughts in every direction, none of which were sensible. “I’ll leave first. Be careful.” He nodded at her and in one last impulsive action for the night, he pulled Caitriona in for a short, chaste kiss. Then Benjy backed away and carefully opened the balcony door, stepping into the party which was slowly descending into chaos. He went straight to the people he needed to speak to, all the while biting back the smile building behind his lips.

Benjy was different from his other classmates, he was fun and super intelligent, and he seemed to not mind that Tiberius wasn’t exactly the live of a party but loved more to solve puzzles and mysteries. It wasn’t that the solicitor couldn’t party, but he felt like life was more than what the social gatherings expected of him, and he was glad that he found a true friend in Benjy. Even his family loved and welcomed the other Ravenclaw, which made their friendship even stronger over the years. Tiberius loved hearing the Fenwick stories and the Ogdens loved to see the two boys have fun and be themselves, which worked perfectly with their dynamic. Tiberius never minded that Benjy wasn’t in the magical society list, he just welcomed the new thoughts and perspective his mate brought into his world.

“Well if it gets you to have free food what is there to think about?” he joked, “And if the niece cooks as well as the owner you will get bigger sooner than you imagine.” he teased, not imagining Benjy in a sedentary life.

“Nothing that changes is a priority for the elderly society, but I knew what I was getting into, I suppose.” it didn’t mean he didn’t get frustrated, and that sometimes it felt intentional. At the mention of the new trip Tib smiled, “Nepal? Sounds brill, what are you going in for? Or is it top secret?”

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They might have had different upbringings but in the end, what brought the two mates together and made them the closest were their similar desires to do good. Tiberius was involved with the Wizengamot and Benjy was working with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, each in their own way trying to make a change. Tiberius was one of a very few people that Benjy had confided in about the Travers incident. He had wanted to shield his best friend from the information, part of him afraid that Tib’s position would force him to turn his Benjy in. But his downward spiral into alcoholism had made it impossible for Benjy to keep the traumatic event from his friend. Tiberius had helped Benjy out of his hole of guilt and self-blame and he would always be grateful for it.

Benjy started to laugh, nudging the other man playfully. “You’re just in it for the leftovers. No consideration for romance,” Benjy teased. “It’s just to look over some artifacts uncovered in Nepal, log them into the Ministry’s accounts, blah blah…” he shrugged. Entering the restaurant, it was fairly busy for the lunch hour, so they took a table and waited. Benjy looked over at his friend and cleared his throat. “Actually, um, speaking of romantic pursuits…” He moved a hand to shake a curl from his face awkwardly. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

@benjyxfenwick​

Caitriona felt like a fool for thinking that Benjy might kiss her when she knew full well that would never happen again. Even now, standing so close that it would be almost too easy to reach out and touch him, it felt like he was still thousands of miles away. His hand in hers was a lifeline and she almost felt like she could follow that single, red thread through a portal to another life. She didn’t ever want to let go, not of his hand, not of that almost, not of whatever strange magic permeated the air around them; she knew when she did it would hurt and she was so tired of hurting. 

Caitriona was so caught in her own thoughts that she didn’t even realize what was happening until Benjy was already kissing her. But then Benjy was kissing her and nothing else mattered but his mouth, warm and sure against hers, except maybe his hand cupping her face, or his hair between her fingers. The things that made this real, that meant he wanted her; even if no one else did. As long as he wanted her, no one else mattered. She pushed up on her toes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, anything to get closer. She kissed him desperately, clinging to him, to this moment, this feeling. It was like stepping out into warm, summer sun after spending too long in a cold, dark room. It was everything. She never wanted to stop. 

When the kiss ended, Caitriona had to force herself to let go of the handful of Benjy’s shirt she’d wrapped in a fist and breathe. The taste of his lips still lingered on her tongue and her heart hammered in her chest as she tried to remember where they were and what was happening and even who she was other than his. But Benjy’s words brought her back to the conversation with a jolt, her anger coming back to the surface, but this time tainted with fear. “What about the danger you put yourself in?” Caitriona was not naive, Xavier had died fighting the very war Benjy was, apparently, a part of. That death had been a relief, a private blessing; Benjy’s death would destroy her. The primary thing that had sustained her through losing him the first time was the knowledge that he was out there, somewhere, alive and safe, even if he wasn’t with her. 

Slowly, Caitriona’s mind was clearing, and in a strange way kissing Benjy had helped her gain perspective on what else had happened that night. Even though she didn’t entirely understand why he was behaving the way he was, even with the revelation of the veritaserum in the punch, it mattered less. Caitriona was able to take a step back from her feelings, and she was ashamed to see what was in front of her. Benjy was shaking, his voice strained, and in a very real way it was entirely her fault. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, to apologize, and hold him until it was better, but she still wasn’t sure if she was allowed to do that. One kiss under the effects of an incredibly strong potion did not mean that he still cared for her, or wanted her love. 

Instead, Caitriona reached out hesitantly, brushing the tips of her fingers against the back of Benjy’s hand, catching his fingertips with her own. She bit her lip, hesitating for a moment as she looked up at him through her lashes before offering, “We don’t have to talk, if you don’t want to.” She wasn’t even sure if Benjy would remember how she used to say those exact words back when their relationship was just getting started, back before it was really a relationship. ‘We don’t have to talk,’ whispered against his skin, accompanied by a wry grin as she’d pull him closer by his tie. Saying it felt far riskier than it should have, as if she were showing her hand too early in the game.

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Benjy, too, was tired of hurting. The pain of knowing that the one thing in the world he wanted was beyond his reach due to circumstances outside of his control. He was tired of the yearning that had never really left him, that had only intensified when he saw Caitriona again, standing alone in the Ministry atrium as if she’d been waiting for him. He was tired of the wishing, of the self doubt, of questioning if the sparks he still felt from Caitriona were all in his head and just leftover feelings of lovesickness. He had to know-- needed to know– in that very instant whether she still felt even the smallest bit towards him of the profound abyss of feelings he still had for her. 

Caitriona’s immediate response to his kiss was an explosion of the word yes. Her lips so certain and sure against his flooded him with such relief and joy that he exhaled in pleasure against her mouth. He felt her hands clinging to his hair and her arms wrapping around his shoulder and Benjy immediately shifted against her, lowering his height and tipping his head to meet hers more comfortably. The action was so instinctual and natural that had it not been for the memories of the years of her absence, he might have convinced himself that it had been just yesterday that he had last kissed her.

In a similar fashion to their initial relationship, good things never seemed to last. The involuntary confession Benjy had made seemed to siphon away all the hope and joy he had felt moments ago when he’d been pressed against her lips. He sensed the anger in her question, and even worse, her fear. He would rather see her enraged and cold than experiencing just a moment of fear. Caitriona had begun to step away from him and he wanted nothing more than to pull her back into his embrace, a place where he knew she was safe from all dangers, as he would never allow any harm to come her way when he had her so close. “I know the dangers, but I do it for the people I love,” Benjy answered honestly. The word love making his eyes settle on her and his gaze soften. 

Caitriona’s offer was a callback to the days when Benjy was too naive to see how getting involved with a pureblood heiress would change the trajectory of his life. Back when kissing Caitriona had simply felt like the most exhilarating thing in the world to do as a teenager, and not like sealing his fate to an unknown future. Benjy swallowed, his fingers immediately latching to hers as soon as she offered them. He felt torn, ripped straight down the middle, by the feelings of what his heart wanted and what his mind was telling himself he should do. “I can’t be here. It’s not safe,” he said after a moment, eyes flickering momentarily towards the doors, which remained shut. “I have to inform the… others that they might also be spiked as soon as I can.” He looked back to Caitriona, though he made no movement of leaving. Instead he was anchored to where her hand met his. “I don’t want to leave you.” The words came out unprompted, but not by the influence of the truth potion. Benjy had chosen to say those words all on his own. 

Tiberius worried about Benjy, not only because of his work, but what he decided to do in the ongoing war. He was much braver than Tiberius, who knew he couldn’t battle anyone like that and just tried to change the Wizarding World one law at a time.

Benjy was out there, in the field, and every time he spent more than a couple of days without contact Tib’s mind worried that he might have been cursed to oblivion and no one would know. It was good to see that his fears were just that and never a reality.

“That sounds about right, lead the way.” he patted Benjy on the back and followed, “You know, they always leave me with the most boring cases, so I’m always overworked and don’t have time to come up with new ways to give some people basic rights. Same old. How about you? How is your next scavenger hunt?” the details of some objects were so vague that it felt like a game, but he knew what Benjy did was important.

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From the moment he met his Ravenclaw roommate, Benjy felt that they had clicked. Tiberius was more bookish than him and less prone to adventures, but they shared similar ideas and tastes and humor. They didn’t become practically brothers overnight, but over the years Benjy got to know Tiberius and was proud to call him his best friend. He was so unlike every other pureblood that Benjy had met, lacking the prestigious air and cold mask that seemed to envelope those that came from the Sacred 28. Tiberius never made Benjy feel different for having a muggle parent or for being working class, and instead he was welcomed with open arms into the bug Ogden family as one of their own.

“The Greek lady who owns the place loves me. Says she wants me to marry her niece, last time I stopped by,” he chuckled. “I’m not too sure, but free falafels for life, though, eh?” Benjy joked. He listened to his mate speak and shared his frustration at the lack of change the Ministry wanted to participate in. “That’s not a priority for them, it seems.” He shook his head. “I might go to Nepal for a week next month-- excited for that. I love the food there.”

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“That’s not chivalry!?” Lily argued, fighting the smile that was taking over her face at the sound of Benjy’s laugh. “Well if that’s how we’re playing prefects tonight, I thought Ravenclaws were supposed to be creative and clever- can’t come up with anything better than throwing the younger prefect at the end of Potter’s wand?”

Lily couldn’t help but smile a little bit as Benjy spoke to the notoriety of Lily’s hexes. Any prowess she had in hexes was sponsored fully by the stupidity of James Potter, it was true. “You would never be hexed by me, though. I can’t think of someone more generally liked in the school than you, honestly.”

Lily stopped as she noticed the thumping sound, turning to look up at Benjy with as little enthusiasm as possible. “Here we go, I guess?”

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“They say chivalry is dead, don’t they?” Benjy snickered. His eyes widened with growing amusement at Lily’s words and he let out another roar of laughter. If the Head Boy or Head Girl were to see them, they’d probably tell them off, as they were having much too fun for a pair of prefects conducting rounds. It was a serious position, after all. “Oh! So now we’re attacking my smarts. That’s a low blow, Evans,” he teased. Benjy then let out a chuckle, shaking his head humbly. “Now that just isn’t true. Plenty of people don’t like me for things beyond my control. My blood status, for example.” Benjy shrugged.

James laughed, “He already does, but he has those big green eyes that makes it hard to say no to.” it was true, but not because of the color of Harry’s eyes but because James had spoiled him rotten, it was hard enough to grow up in a war to also have too many restrictions at home. 

“Who in the bloody fuck think before defending themselves?” he replied shaking his head, Benjy was so far in his guilt that he couldn’t see past that, “You threw a hex at someone wanting to safe a friend, wanting to stop him from actually killing me. It backfired, and it would be preferable that it didn’t, but it doesn’t make you a cold hearted killer, Benjy.” he patted his friend’s arm softly, “And I’m sure they support each other through the tough times, but we all know what we sign up for when we go into battle, no matter how big or small.” he admitted, knowing he felt he had been closer to death more than to life lately. “That is good, and how about a home cooked meal? You can come see not so little Harry and Lily can finally get off my back for not inviting you to dinner sooner, how does that sound?”

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Benjy swallowed. He wanted, more than anything in this world, to believe in James. He wanted to wake up without a heavy feeling in his chest, to go to sleep without craving a taste of alcohol to soothe his nightmares. But his guilt would simply not allow it. “I know this is what we signed up for but this can’t be the solution, can it?” Benjy asked. “Killing each other has only turned us more against the other. I know it was an accident but I just... I’d do anything to take it back,” he admitted.

Benjy hadn’t expected to pour his heart and conscious out to the other man, but there he was. In a way it felt cathartic to talk about it to the only other person who’d been there. He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair. “I... I actually love to cook,” Benjy offered with a hint of optimism. “I’d be glad to help.”

@benjyxfenwick​

Something bright and warm bloomed in Caitriona’s heart as Benjy laughed. She loved making him laugh, and it had been so long since she’d managed it. Out on the balcony, lost in the half-shadows, it felt like another time or another world and for a brief, beautiful moment she let herself get lost in it. Benjy had that soft look in his eyes like he was about to kiss her and she let herself believe it; closing more of the distance between them with a half step forward, chin tilted, mouth soft, gaze trained on his face and her heart jolting in anticipation. Then the moment ended; Benjy’s face shuddered and the hope turned sour on Caitriona’s tongue. She wrapped his jacket more tightly around her, even though she knew full well that the chill in her chest had nothing to do with the temperature.

Caitriona kept her gaze fixed on the ground as she worried her hair until Benjy gently wrapped his hand around her wrist, then her focus snapped up and she stared into his eyes. His touch had a grounding effect, pulling her out of her anxiety into this singular moment and she twisted her hand to catch his fingers like someone fumbling for a candle in the dark. The simple fact that, even after everything that had happened between them, he was still trying to comfort her was almost enough to bring tears to her eyes. She was under no delusions that this meant something bigger, no matter how beautiful he thought she was; this was just Benjy, full of compassion with a heart bigger than China and deeper than the Pacific Ocean. Caitriona took a deep breath and focused on the warmth of Benjy’s touch as she answered his question in soft, halting sentences, “This, the way things are now—it’s not what my parents wanted for me. It’s not what they wanted from me.” She swallowed the lump the confession lodged in her throat and looked down at their linked hands, wondering at the fact that he hadn’t pulled away yet even as she drew strength from it.

Caitriona felt a twinge of remorse as she watched Benjy try to fight the veritaserum, but that was quickly drowned out by shock at how easily he made his confession once the potion took over. There was no shame in his words, no remorse, no sign that he was struggling with anything other than telling her something he wasn’t supposed to. Caitriona was caught off guard by the anger that surged in her, simply because she’d never imagined being this angry at Benjy. This was nothing like when they’d been together, and Caitriona had found herself blowing insignificant slights out of proportion, or even their disastrous argument at the gala. But after everything she’d done, everything she’d sacrificed, just to keep him safe, to know he was throwing it all away felt like a slap in the face. 

On another night or with anyone else, Caitriona would have been able to maintain her composure, but her feelings were always too close to the surface when she was with Benjy, and his behavior tonight had her feeling like an unstable enchantment. “Why am I not supposed to know?” Her voice was thick with emotion as she spoke, and it wasn’t long before tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. “Because I’m a Slytherin and a pureblood? Or because I’m an embarrassing ex-mistake? Can I not be trusted because I use people for my own convenience?” She paused to swipe at the tears sitting on her cheeks and suck in a gulp of air, feeling the loss of the steadiness Benjy’s touch had provided keenly. 

Caitriona’s head was spinning, and she wasn’t even sure if there was a specific thing she was upset about anymore. Or, she wasn’t sure if there was just one thing she was upset about. The pain of their exchange at the gala was still sharp, made even more so by having just thrown Benjy’s own words back in his face. This new knowledge that he was in the Order struck fear into her heart.Then there was the old ache of missing him that always became more acute in his presence. And underneath it all was the growing frustration with the path she was expected to follow. Shaking her head, she looked up at him with shining eyes. “Why?” She didn’t know if she was still asking why she wasn’t supposed to know about him being a part of the Order, or why he’d joined in the first place, or even why things couldn’t be simple between them. All Caitriona knew was the certainty she’d spent her life clinging to, which had long been running short, was now starting to slip from her grasp entirely.

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The balcony was already small, feeling even tighter in space once Caitriona closed the gap between herself and Benjy. His breath caught in his throat as he was unable to ignore the soft expression on her face, the burning gaze of her eyes. He had been at the other end of that look many times, and for the past year he wondered if he would ever see it again. Benjy suddenly could see, in his mind’s eye, his head tilting down to meet hers. He could imagine the feel of her lips upon his, soft but powerful, a sensation he hadn’t forgotten after all these years. His racing heartbeat mixing with hers as he pressed his chest against Caitriona’s frame. It wasn’t until she laced her fingers with his, squeezing their palms together, that Benjy stopped imagining the act of kissing her. Instead, he just did it.

Without even consciously ordering himself to do so, Benjy’s free hand had reached up to take Caitriona’s chin delicately. There was no hint of hesitation as he kissed her fully on the lips. The sensation was even better than anything he could have envisioned. At once his heart both exploded and filled, his body going numb everywhere except his lips, which he moved against hers with a firmness that told her, and himself as well, that he had been wanting to do this since the moment he had first laid eyes on her again at the Ministry of Magic all those months ago.

The moments of joy from the kiss were almost entirely eclipsed by the shock of the situation Benjy found himself in. There was no doubt in his mind now that he had been spiked with Veitaserum. He tried to recall everything he knew about the potion from both school and his Order training, but the process stopped as soon as Caitriona began to accuse him of lines of thought he did not even believe in. “Because I am sworn to secrecy,” he answered her, his voice tight. “I made an oath to protect my fellow members and anyone I could. I would never want to put you in danger by telling you.”

Benjy still tried to fight against every word the potion wanted to spill forth. Finally, he was able to get his own choice of words out. “Stop asking me questions,” Benjy almost cried. “Don’t–Don’t do this to me. Please. It’s not fair.” She could ask anything of him in that moment and he would have no choice but to tell her. Benjy soon noticed he was shaking, both from the strain of the potion and from the dreadful realization that his loyalty to the Order of the Phoenix may drive Caitriona away from him forever. 

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Inside the horse? “How the- like they were the stuck?” Lily giggled, she’d have to ask Remus if he knew how to do that later. She was genuinely curious and kind of wanted to go poke around this statue, as if it were now some giant puzzle.

As Benjy and Lily began to head up the stairs towards the divination tower, her mouth fell open at his next words. “What?” she asked incredulously. “Hold, hold on now? You want me to give Potter detention because you don’t want to be pranked by them…. you think I’d be any better at avoiding his antics?”

“No no no-” Lily laughed, unable to move past this comment. “You think Potter wouldn’t hex me? I just exist and I’m constantly getting pinched and teased.”

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“I think they were stuck to each other’s lips, not the horse statue,” Benjy pointed out in amusement. At Lily’s incredulity Benjy couldn’t help but crack up, a warm but loud laughter that echoed in the castle walls. “I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be chivalrous. My bad.” Benjy grinned over at Lily. “You hex back twice as hard, though. I’d hate to be at the end of your wand.”

“It did surprise me,” he chuckled, “he is so much like Lily, he looks like me but Merlin everything else is just her, and thank the founders for that.” he admitted, knowing that his wife saw the best in the world and he wanted Harry to be the same. 

Looking at the fellow Order member he sighed heavily. “It does matter, because it is your core. I…” sighed, there was no denying the next part, it was well known, “I know killers, and you, my friend, are not one.” he added softly, because he knew that Benjy didn’t want this conversation to be over heard, “Your choices are what matters in situations like this. If it were me, I would feel like you, like there is no way to lift the heaviness that is taking someone else’s life, but your mindset wasn’t, and isn’t, ‘let’s kill all the Death Eaters’. It is to safe your friends and colleagues. And that is what is important, because you haven’t lost your goodness, Benjy. And I would like to show you that, if you allow me to.”

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“I’m sure the little lad will have a knack for trouble when he grows up,” Benjy teased. Sometimes he imagined what having his own kids would be like. The thought both scared him and thrilled him, as he didn’t know how one didn’t go mad worrying about their children during a war. But he knew that having a family made everything they fought for worth it.

I know killers. Benjy met James’ eye and looked away, the name of Pettigrew looming silently above them. Nobody had seen his betrayal coming. “That’s different. I should’ve thought before my actions,” Benjy said weakly, the argument sounding futile even to him. “I know I spared your family from loss, but he had a family too.” Benjy couldn’t bring himself to utter Travers’ name. He knew, logically, James was right. But that didn’t stop Benjy from feeling so riddled with guilt he sometimes wanted to go straight to the authorities and confess. That didn’t stop Benjy’s favorite time of day being the few seconds in between him waking up in the morning and him remembering what he had done. Benjy swallowed. “I’ve been trying to, you know, not feel so horrid all the time. I’ve quit drinking.”