Lily

It was early still but he was caught somewhere the worlds of dreaming and waking, too tired to be awake but too anxious to sleep. Nights of tossing and turning thinking about the plan and Sirius in the line of fire knowing he wouldn’t come out of this unscathed. Lily and James would be on the sidelines at least, so there were two less people to worry about.

A knock sounded on his door and he yawned poking his head out from under the covers as he heard Lily’s voice. He reached for his wand before pointing it at the door so it swung open. He didn’t feel like moving from the cosy embrace of the blankets as he peered up at Lily. “Going to have to put on some tea if you want me to be awake at this hour,” he teased sleepily trying not to seem ungrateful for all of her hard work. “Or you can lie down for a moment as well,” he offered holding up one end of the blanket.

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Remus kept her pressed against his side keeping the basket in the crook of his other arm as they took a step away from the house. “That’s very charitable of you,” he chuckled. “See if those little legs of yours can keep up or I might have to just carry you,” he mused. He considered a piggyback but wasn’t sure how she might hold up to that with so much pressure placed on her body figuring this might be safer.

“Is this the first time you’ve been out?” he asked as they walked. The air was cool but in a pleasant way that he hoped she would enjoy after being cooped up for so long. He was sure others had stopped by to see her but she was probably in the comfort of her home still. “And was the shower for my benefit?” he teased a smile on his lips the smell of clean hair reaching his nose. When they had been in their dark days they had stayed unbathed for some time and he was sure the begging of her trauma would be similar.

If she wasn't so happy, she could have cried from happiness. It just felt so good to laugh and walk down the street with a friend. With him! "Yea, you're my first!" Lily answered, taking a big breath. Part of her had wanted to force herself to go out and leave the house as soon as she was back from the hospital, but even the littlest things had ended up being a surprising challenge. Nevertheless, there was no one she'd have rather been with for a first outing. Lily had never felt anything but safe and joyous with Remus.

"Honestly-" Lily said with a wince, "I can't shower enough." her voice became quieter, as if it was some solemn confession. It did point to a larger struggle she was currently grappling with, coming to terms with the fact that her experience had marked her, changed her, and that it would be something she'd carry always. And then, the guilt of souring such a sweet moment with an honest answer. Lily felt anxiety rise in her and she hugged Remus' side tighter, trying to stamp it out.

It wasn't just the room she'd been trapped in, or the torture. The hospital too was such a shock, so many people, so much attention, and then of course, Severus' sudden appearance. Lily shuddered.

"I know you wouldn't expect me to- be fine, or be perfect, ever- least of all right now." Lily continued, voice still soft, a tone reserved for certain people, for private conversations. She prefaced this, because she didn't know how to say anything, how to talk about any of it without being abrupt. Lily hid her face in the side of Remus' arm, another big breath, and shook her head. "Severus um... I hadn't seen him since we all graduated really, right? He-" Lily forced herself to look up into Remus' face, "He came to me at St. Mungos... my first real night there, the day after I arrived. He- helped heal me?"

There was pleasure in the little things, Pandora thought. Tea with a dear friend, moments alone in front of the fireplace, the quiet intimacy of knowing someone so deeply, holding her baby in her arms. There was so much to hold onto, so much she’d rather have at that moment than a simple win or loss at a war that would destroy them all. It was those reasons that kept her going, that kept her under Xenophilius’ careful eye and loving supervision. 

“That’s rather odd.” Talking more to herself than to Potter, she held Luna with a decisive tightness. “I’d very much prefer that he’d take a liking to only me, not uncles and aunts. If I were his mother, I mean. Maybe I am much too possessive.”

Letting Luna go but giving her the option to either stay in her lap or climb off of it, she waved her wand to make their teacups descend into the floor, stopping right in front of them. “She won’t, she’s her father’s daughter as much as she is her mother’s.” Agreeing at once, Pandora watched Luna choose to stay, keeping a curious eye at the youngest Potter nevertheless.

“But I worry for you, I wonder if life’s been treating you good— Is your heart healed?” Hiding behind her cup, she asked, with a hint of melancholy spicing up her words.

There was no point in not being candid about it, there was no point in not being completely honest- otherwise why live through an experience like that? If you weren't going to be genuine, what was the good on coming out of it on the other side?

"No," she answered simply, smiling softly at Pandora. "No, not healed but-" Lily tilted her head, considering her own state as she stared into the mid distance, comforted by Luna's happy little sounds. "I am well taken care of though. Well minded, and that counts for everything." Lily couldn't help but feel a little emotional acknowledging her appreciation of everyone in her life, how they'd all gone ridiculously above and beyond to make her feel safe, on stable ground.

"I feel ashamed and embarrassed that it happened at all? I should have known better, been more careful." Lily breathed, "But it's not like I'd ever say that to anyone besides myself so... " Lily shrugged, shaking her head at Pandora with a hopeless smile. "Yea. Clearly I'm still a bit caught up in it, but I'm going to be okay. I know that."

"What about you?" Lily asked, reaching over to gently squeeze Pandora's knee. "Luna is doing better? And I can't imagine you'd feel unsafe out here in this beautiful place? It's like I can really breathe out here."

Well, not everyone considered it petty. Lily had, not because Sirius' intentions weren't noble... they often were, but she could never appreciate that physical escalation was going to actually help.

It struck Lily that if Sirius wasn't following through with a hex or a fist as normal, it might not be because he'd suddenly found value in dismissing this kind of attention, but particularly vulnerable to it. And that bothered her.

Turning to look over her shoulder at the group of Slytherins, Lily saw in their faces a particular glint of successful mirth. They knew that this was harder on him than the usual rows.

Lily hadn't realized that she'd stood up, until the idiot group in front of her hooted with excitement.

"What's this?" One of the Slytherin boys called, laughing. "Being Potter's bitch has made you go soft Black?"

Sirius stood aside, barely able to suppress his laughter as he watched the Slytherins dance about under his hex. His eyes flicked to Lily, catching the glimmer of a smile on her lips. He couldn’t help but mirror it.

“Alright, Evans,” he conceded, his tone carrying a teasing lightness that belied the tumult of his emotions. “I’ll keep my wand to myself… for now.”

As Lily moved forward, her wand discreetly held low, Sirius watched with a sense of curious intrigue. When she threatened the Slytherins with contagious boils, his eyebrows shot up in surprised amusement.

Avery, one of the Slytherins, was less than convinced. “You’re bluffing, Evans,” he spat, a cruel sneer tugging at his lips. Turning to Sirius, he added, “And as for you, Black, you’ll get what’s coming to you.”

Almost instantaneously, Avery’s face erupted with a cluster of angry, red boils. His arrogant smirk fell as his hand flew to his cheek, his eyes wide with shock. The Slytherins around him recoiled, their faces a mix of horror and disgust. Sirius let out a deep, hearty laugh.

“Well, Avery,” he managed to say through his laughter, “it appears you’ve developed a spot of bother.”

His gaze landed on Lily, appreciation gleaming in his eyes. “You’ve outdone yourself, Evans,” he said, his voice warm with genuine admiration. “I reckon they’ll think twice before starting trouble in the future.”

His gaze turned cold as it moved back to the Slytherins. “And as for you lot,” he growled, his voice dropping to a threatening whisper, “if any of you even think about retaliating against Lily, you’ll have me to deal with. And I promise you, it won’t be boils you’ll be worrying about.”

.

Lily winced as Avery’s boils appeared, hiding slightly against Sirius’ side as the rest of his Slytherin friends recoiled from him in disgust. She couldn’t help but smile against Sirius’ arm as she felt him rock with laughter. A very, very small part of her felt self conscious and guilty for having gone to such lengths against the students, but it secretly all felt worth it to see Sirius act a little bit more like his usual, vibrant, untenable self.

She smiled up into his face, relieved to see that Sirius really did look happy. She knew Sirius wasn’t without friends or support in the least- but it still felt good to be there for him when he seemed to need it.

As the group hurried away from Lily and Sirius, Lily reached into her pocket and pulled out her handkerchief. Reaching up to Sirius’ face, she applied firm but gentle pressure to the gash on his cheek, eyes still full of regret that he got hurt at all.

“Goodness-” she chuckled, holding the fabric to the side of his face. Her eyes scanned him for any other nicks that the hex may have caused. “I can’t believe we made such a good team- I mean, not  a team. Because really that shouldn’t have happened- but since it did, I think we did pretty well for ourselves?” Lily’s eyes widened slightly as the protective anger that had ruled her finally started to ease, and sense flooded her brain. Her eyes widened slightly. “Oh.... Merlin....” she started, still holding Sirius’ face. “What did I just do-”

Lily looked up Sirius for a long moment, smile falling from her face as she considered. How bad would it be? Would they push through the boils just so they could tell one of Lily’s superiors about her misdeed? But the fearful thought broke apart in her mind as Lily thought about how poorly Sirius had looked since the year started, and how- even though he was bleeding, he was now smiling with the far more familiar, oddly comforting, lopsided smile she’d come to expect.

Gulping, Severus gathered all his will to keep his emotions calm and collected outwardly, as to not worry her. The last thing he wanted was for her to try and comfort him when she was the one who needed to be taken care of; when he didn't deserve it. Silently, Severus brushed away her tears and her hair, "Stay still, love..." the endearment from a lifetime ago surpassing his lips. Taking a deep breath, Severus took out his wand, pointing it to Lily's chest. His countenance remained still, focusing on the task at hand. Then, Severus began to utter a spell of his own creation - the incantation almost sounding like a song as he repeated it - watching the injury begin to heal, "Vulnera Sanentur..."

As Severus' hand drew up Lily's back she breathed in, and as his hand dragged downwards she breathed out, shaking but even. She tried to focus on the rise and fall of his own chest against her temple, the muffled beat of his heart, but when she did it made her more aware of the hospital bed's sheets- that felt so scratchy they almost burned, the over-bright hallway beyond her door, the hum of footsteps, and she refused- preferring momentarily to visit her past, which had been so unbearable to consider alone, as a surprising, impermanent refuge.

What did it mean for him to be here?

The scratch of pen in margins of books, bergamot, sun filtering through hands or trees or curtains. Legs sore from walking all day instead of going back. The way ingredients were collected and stacked, the way records were. Not having to jump to tap his window as her legs grew gangly and long. A smile Lily was certain was shown to no one else.

As he spoke, Lily jumped lightly and felt sad. She was back in the hospital once more. A bitter soreness left by the return of her consciousness, a goodbye to the brief ability to hold her past in front of her awareness and not hurt. It hadn't lasted long enough. Lily winced as she felt like herself again, certain such moments would be painful and anger inducing once more, kept at bay.

His promise of I won't pacified her slightly, but the next comment caused her to pull away from him, to look up into his face, her gaze fierce with something between concern and willfulness. "No-" she breathed, shaking her head. Show it. Lily thought, teeth clenching. Show it and just be plain with me. But she couldn't say it. Even as anger filled her, Lily felt unable to say it. If she asked for reason, for honesty, could she bare an answer?

But even as her mind fought itself to summon the wherewithal to ask these questions, her exhaustion and the potions worked to keep her numbed over, sedated, uncertain of how much was really happening. As Severus wiped away her tears with a brush of his fingertips, Lily felt another wave of exhaustion. She felt him push back her hair, a flicker of a frown passing over her face. As asked, she held still to the best of her ability. It was unpleasant to feel her skin stitch together, even though the pain of it was potioned over, so she focused instead on looking up to watch his face as Severus murmured the spell. Her heart sinking deeper and more deeper still into something narrow and remote as his expression became stonier.

When he'd finished, Lily felt her hand grip his wand arm as she stared up into his face. "Where do you go when do you that...? When you're not feeling?"

Sitting beside her, Severus pondered briefly over how many times he'd lived through such similar hysteria, "Deep breaths, all right?" he asked and began to take deep breaths so that she would follow suit, "In," he inhaled counting to five slowly, "and out," he let out his breath slowly while continuing to count to ten. Much like he did in his childhood, he repeated this step until all that was left was calm breaths.

Nothing felt real. Nothing felt real until her mind refocused on Severus' voice, his breath. Lily leaned her forehead against his shoulder, shaking her head. She wanted it to stop. She wanted her body to stop hurting.

With great effort, Lily forced herself to breath more slowly, doing her best to match his rhythm. She pressed her face against his chest, helped by the feeling of his lungs rising and falling.

It was because she knew this would hurt him. Lily winced, trying not to think about the feeling of them going into her mind, pushing through her. It had been worse than any strike. Their sounds of amusement, their gasps and scoffs of her memories.

She hadn't done it, but she still wanted to apologize for it. Surely, it would bring his own recollection to the surface of his mind. "I don't want you to feel pain-" she cried, her voice a broken moan. She hoped that was enough, that explained why this was so difficult.

Pulling back from him, Lily tugged at the bandage across her chest feebly, hands shaking horribly. Lily let the bandages fall to her lap as another sob caught in her throat. She was more self conscious of herself crying like a child than she was about the exposure. Nevertheless, it was hard for her to not bow away, to not let her hair fall over her shoulders, hiding the phrase carved against her chest.

He should have known despite all that had happened Lily would still be in good spirits as she threw her arms around him. Remus wrapped his arms around her tightly, careful not to be too tight and he soaked it in for a moment, a willing embrace thinking of the last time his touch had been rejected trying not to squeeze her at the thought. “You could, but you might get a tad hungry if you did,” he teased her chuckling softly against her hair. 

“I might have a solution though,” he pulled back slightly, keeping one arm around her in a sort of side hug. “How about this, should be able to manage walking this way,” he concluded. He liked the contact, it was with so few people he had it, always worried about the ones who didn’t know the truth and how they would feel if they did. “What do you think? Ready?” He didn’t want to push her but thought this might be a nice small step with him at her side.

He was already perfect. Lily had struggled with everyone else seeing her recover, the slow heal of her cursed scars, but the thought didn't cross her mind with him. His eyes didn't appraise her, trusting that she'd tell him if she felt unwell. Lily felt like she was breathing without constriction for the first time since coming home.

"Let's get the hell outta here." she teased, taking a step out from her home.