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Podficcing @deadcatwithaflamethrower 's amazing Of a Linear Circle series.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27221125

It just makes me so happy, and I've read it mostly twice now and wanted to share it with my friend, but listening is better for her. And since there didn't seem to be one already, flamethrower gave me permission to give it a go.

I'm six chapters in, and finally got what I've done so far posted to Ao3. Enjoy!

a cop was at the intersection so he pulled me over and when he came up to my window he was wheezing cause he was laughing so hard and he said

“ok so i know you ran a red light and that’s really bad and you should never do it again but i’m not gonna give you a ticket cause that was the funniest thing i’ve ever seen and my partner can’t get out of the car cause he’s laughing so hard he’s about to pee himself”

i forgot that i’d had my window open when i ran the red light and the cop told me that all he heard from my car was this really high-pitched “screeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

So I decided that each letter would correspond with it’s respective place in the alphabet, like A=1, B=2, etc

(S)T(HE)Y would go first

I then realized it would probably be easier to do this on my calculator, which has variables for each letter of the alphabet so I put them in (it also keeps saying batteries are low so I’ll change them as soon as we’re done here)

So (S)T(HE)Y is 380,000 and I stored that in A for later

I then realized I forgot to store the numbers for R and M so I did that really fast

So T(H(IM)ER)M is 21,902,400 and I stored that in B

Why did I store them in A and B? Because pronouns are usually set like “she/her”, “he/him”, “they/them”, etc. They have a dividing line between them which, I say happily, matches the division symbol on my calculator

So if your pronouns are sthey/thimerm, I’m happy to say that your gender is

Which I decided to make back into letters, and it would be spelled “Agcdififh” OR “Qcdififh” depending on if you want “1 7” or “17”

(I then spent two minutes trying to open the back of my calculator to change the batteries)

When I was a child, from the time I was about four and could understand things, my mom told me and my brother that we should have a secret word. That way, if we were ever in trouble or felt unsafe and we didn’t want the people around us to know we needed her to come get us, we could let her know. So she let us pick the word and my brother and I chose the phrase “peanut butter cups.” (I’m happy to share the phrase now since both my brother and I are adults now). 

I used the phrase twice in my life. Once, I was at a friends house when I eight years old. Her dad got really drunk and was throwing things against the wall. I was really scared and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself on the phone when I called my mom to come get me because I didn’t know if he would get more violent if I asked her to come get me. So I called her and was calm and after a couple minutes I asked “Hey mommy, did you get me those peanut butter cups from the store?” And she said “I’ll be right there.” And she came and got me within minutes. 

Second, I was a teenager spending the night at a friends house. Her brother and dad were drinking and they started talking about things that made me uncomfortable - ie: what they liked to do to women. My friend didn’t seem perturbed and said that was normal for them and that I shouldn’t worry. But I was worried because they were really drunk and I was 15 and the only ‘woman’ around that wasn’t related to them. I went in my friends room, told her I needed to call my mom and say goodnight. Before I hung up with her I asked “Next time we go to the store, can we get some peanut butters cups? I’ve been craving them.” And she came and got me, just like that. 

Reduces puffy eyes💫

1/3c Greek Yogurt

1/4 of a cucumber

Blend until smooth, apply under eye and leave for 15-20 minutes

Blackhead removal💫

1 egg white

Thin tissue

Brush

Apply the egg white to your face and place the tissue over it. Smoothen out with brush and leave for 10-15 mins.

Glowy skin💫

2 tbsp honey

2 tbsp greek yogurt

Egg white from 1 egg

1/3c oatmeal

1/2c hot water

Mix and leave on for 10-15 mins.

Hydrated skin💫

1/2c raw ground oatmeal

1/2c water

1/2c milk

1 tbsp honey

I repeated the experiment later, wearing the boots but otherwise my usual clothing and mimicking the expression I thought I’d had at that moment. People parted like I was Charlton Heston.

I now wear that style of boots whenever possible. I recently had a man do a double-take as I walked by and ask me, politely, where I had served because I “looked like a soldier.” I’m not current or former military. I was wearing a flowy purple peasant top and looked as un-soldierlike as possible.

Wheel like you’re gonna win the Indy 500 and don’t care how.

Your crutches are short swords; walk like you can see them buried in the bodies of anyone who crosses (in front of) you.