LEAGUE AND NICOTINE

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THIS STUFF

I BOUGHT IT

MONTHS AGO

TRIED IT ONCE

I THOUGHT IT WAS HORRIBLE

IT WAS STICKY AND CEMENTED MY LIPS TOGETHER

IT GOT ON EVERYTHING 

IT DIDN’T SUPER-STAY

I THREW IT INTO MY DRAWER WITHOUT ANOTHER THOUGHT

AND THEN OUT OF THE BLUE I DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN

HOPE IN MY HEART, PEACE IN MY SOUL, I DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN

I READ THE DIRECTIONS

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SAW THE LIGHT

I COULD SEE CLEARLY NOW, THE RAIN WAS GONE

TURNS OUT

YOU HAVE TO PUT THE RED STUFF ON FIRST

WAIT FOR IT TO DRY

COMPLETELY (I MISSED THIS STEP BEFORE)

IT SHOULD BE SO DRY AND IF YOU KISS THE BACK OF YOUR HAND, NO MARK SHOULD SHOW

AND THEN I PUT THE BALM ON (I ORIGINALLY TRIED PUTTING THE BALM ON FIRST…. DON’T DO THAT.)

AND IT GOT RID OF ALL THE STICKINESS

AND THE RED DOESN’T EVEN GET ALL UP IN THE WHITE BALM

IT WAS A MIRACLE 

THIS STUFF IS THE FUCKING BEST

IT STAYS ON FOR A REALLY LONG TIME

IT DOESN’T GET ON ANYTHING

AS IN, LONG ENOUGH TO FORCE YOU TO SCRUB IT OFF AT THE END OF THE DAY

THAT IS A DREAM COME TRUE BUT ALSO A NIGHTMARE LIKE

THIS IS ME JUST BEFORE WENT OUT THE WHOLE DAY

HELL YEAH I FELT HELLA CUTE AND POWERFUL RIGHT THIS IS THE POWER RED LIPSTICK HAS ON ME

WELL LATER I RETURN HOME AND CHANGE GLASSES AND WOWIE IT’S STILL THERE AWESOME

THEN JUST FOR SCIENCE I DECIDED TO SLEEP WITH IT OKAY

I WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY LIKE THIS

AND THEN AGAIN FOR SCIENCE, I DIDN’T RUB IT OFF AT THE SHOWER JUST TO SEE IF IT WAS WATERPROOF TOO AND

Back in 2008 I traveled to Japan with my high school, and because it was the 20 year anniversary of our “sister city” partnership, the mayor of our sister city paid for our entire group to go to Tokyo Disney Sea. We were all elated, got in when the park opened, rushed to do everything we could.

Well, there’s a little ride near the front of their Tomorrowland where you ride around on a little rollercoaster-style pod. Kind of like bumper cars meets the disney tea cup ride but it’s also in water. It’s wicked fun and even though it was November, my friends and I were all willing to go on. One of my friends was wearing a scarf her host family had knitted for her, and on one of the turns of the ride, it flew off her neck and we watched in horror as it drifted across the water and got sucked under another pod carrying people.

We get to the end of the ride and explain to the attendants what happened, and as soon as she lets slip it’s from family, they all but rocket into action. They shut down the whole ride, and not only did they get the scarf out of the machinery, they blow-dried it for us so she could wear it again. It was freaking remarkable.