im the beta male thats gonna ruin your night

At the sex shop asking if I can buy a regular sized dildo I can put in my unremarkable asshole but they recognize me as the hero of legend regardless

*pointing at a plushie* you know that thing would cuddle you if you died right

Way to kill the mood with your big cock #whatdoineedthatfor

uses my powerful magnetic field to create detailed images of your organs, skeletal system, and all the other soft tissues in your body

uses my powerful magnetic fields to create 69 love songs

You smoked dog weed

FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT you are allowed to feel proud of yourself for things that might seem silly to other people, like getting better at a video game or putting together a nice outfit for the next morning or finishing a book. You deserve to feel proud for your accomplishment.

I threw a dog at a land mine

you know apparently you're not supposed to give kittens and cats saucers of milk? yeah what you're actually supposed to give them is 1-2 Modelo tall boys. easy mistake to make, happens to the best of us.

sir please calm down i didnt "edit" crash bandicoot into your wedding pictures he was an invited guest

poking at Ur hand with my nose to get you to pet me

you're going to try and bite it aren't you?

im not gonna lie i will straight up be biting it yes

they used to make smackable technology. you used to be able to hit your tv when it didn't work good.

It just shifted to spanking your puppy’s ass, to make them take that thick knot. Like the good little play thing they are.

i don't really think it's like that at all