The Long One

good. you’re of sound mind and body and all that?

good. ok, now, you understand that this is permanent. if you decide you don’t like it, you can’t change your mind. you won’t have a human body anymore and even if we still had it the surgery to put you back is so dangerous that we don’t do it. you understand all that? this isn’t a movie. you can’t just jump between them. you do this, there’s no undoing it.

well, you still seem eager, so we’ll take you. want to see her? follow me

this is her! we call her W-239, that’s her batch number, but you can keep the same name you use now or you can pick a different one; it’s up to you. she’s 35ish feet long from nose to tailtip and she weighs just shy of a thousand pounds

yeah, dragons are lighter than you’d expect from the size since they have to be able to get off the ground. oh, her wingspan is huge, thereabouts ninety feet! we’re not sure, her wings have never been open

no, she just has a vat-grown brainstub. all it does is keep her lungs and heart running and turn the iv nutrients we give her into dragon cells. she’s barely even alive. your brain is what gives her all the personality.

oh, no, the surgery is really safe as long as we go this way. we just knock you out, pop your brain out, and splice it into her spinal cord so you can control her body. it sounds scary, but it’s really not. there’s a reason your batch number starts with 200, we’ve literally done it hundreds of times and never had a single failure. don’t worry at all

yeah, you’re gonna get to be that. it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

ok, follow me. this part is somewhat embarrassing. we need you to strip down so we can take 360° scans of your human body. no, it’s a legal thing. if you ever decide you want to look human again for any reason, you can do some shapeshifting magic. dragons are good at that sort of thing. you won’t be human, but you’ll be just about impossible to tell without DNA testing. anyway, we give you scans of your former body in your exit packet just in case, so you can look as close as you can to how you look now

arms up. arms out. arms to your sides. legs apart. bend forward. bend back. squat down? stand on your tiptoes? ok, nice, that’s all of them.

ok, come lay down here! we’re gonna put this iv in you to deliver the anesthetic. you’re gonna feel a little pinch- good. you did it! ok, this is room-temperature, so it’s gonna feel cold in your arm as we push it. just try to relax and count backwards from ten with me, ok? when you wake up, you’ll be in the new body!

10… 9… 8…

7… 6…

5…

ok her heart rate is stable. she’s coming up; turn the lights down

hey. you awake? can you hear me? don’t try to move your head, you’re still really drugged. i’m impressed you even moved that much. just blink once for yes and twice for no, ok?

good. hold still, i gotta test your nervous responses. eyes look good, frill retraction is- yeah, that’s good, ok, follow my finger with your eyes- ok, that’s perfect

how much do you remember? do you remember the surgery? the Ambassador Project? good, you’re up to speed. you’re in a clean room right now to try to limit your exposure to the environment and stress out your new senses

yeah, your eyesight and smell are going to be a lot more sensitive than you’re used to. touch and taste will probably be about the same, though your palate will likely change, and your hearing will be less sensitive but not in a way you won’t adjust to

try to focus on the scents. you can smell all of us individually, can’t you? is that interesting?

you think you can talk? that one’s usually kinda hard for new dragons.

“hungry.” yeah, i bet. we can bring you some sashimi if you want. we have an in-house chef who makes it for our dragon residents because fish makes up such a significant part of a dragon’s diet. does that sound good?

ok, we’ll get you a sampler plate in a bit. think you can lift your head? you won’t be able to eat if you can’t

ok, you’re still struggling a bit. tell you what, i’m gonna give you an adrenaline shot to help you burn the drugs off. this is gonna sting a bit; your scales are so thick that i have to punch in between your talons where they’re softer. ready?

hey, don’t hiss at me. you’re ok. pushing adrenaline now…

see, isn’t that better? you’re not thinking through pudding anymore, huh? can you lift your head now?

there you go. go slowly, girl, your balance probably isn’t back yet. i’d hate for you to roll right off the operating table. yeah, let me get you a mirror.

do you like it? oh, your eyes are getting watery- it’s ok, i promise. we recruit from therians for a reason. welcome home.

want to try out your wings and tail? no, you can’t fly, but you can move them around a bit. be careful with your wings, this room isn’t big enough for you to open them fully, but we’ll get you outside soon enough, don’t worry

i’m gonna turn the lights back up. it’s gonna get brighter. don’t worry, your pupils will handle it

think you can stand? be careful now, you weigh half a ton and if you fall i can’t catch you. just go one foot after the other- there you go! look at you!

”Jesus Christ, what is that?”

”How is it alive?”

"What does it want?"

”Will it hurt me?”

”Will it hurt my children?”

It's only natural to ask questions like this when encountering such a disgusting creature, but rest assured- it's quite harmless!

Meet the hampter.

Hammers are Europe's largest species of insect. They are mostly found in plains, mountains, parking lots, underpasses, the savannah, landfills, trees, and shurbs. They are heavily endangered because they are too stupid to drink water if it's not in a water bottle manufactured for small animals. But evolution has produced a remarkable solution: a female hamper can lay thousands of eggs every day! Most of her young will die of dehydration, but the sheer numbers of hamspers makes it inevitable that at least some will find a water bottle and thus survive to sexual maturity.

Hapster biologist Dr. Lexapro Beaufort said in an interview, "I know of them. They like to sniff around in the dirt for seeds and grass and discarded cigarettes. They like to dig holes in the ground. They were not created by the same God that created everything else."

They can even be kept as pets! One proud hamser mommy had this to say. "Yeah, mine is named Keith and he fucking sucks. He just hides in a hole and only comes out when he hears me rattling my adderall prescription."

I, knowing that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, waited carefully for the lab director to be deep in conversation with someone else on the other side of the laboratory. And then I took my chance.

Test tubes, as it turns out, are really bad as shot glasses. Their shape turns any liquid inside into a stream, so you really can't knock it back quickly - it takes a couple seconds. Additionally, the best way I can describe the taste of virus concentrate was "sterile rot". A very unique kind of bad! Made worse by the test tube's inefficiency as a shot glass.

(by the way we were studying bacteriophages, not animal viruses. these viruses are too specialized on attacking prokaryotes to even recognize our cells as targets at all, according to studies.)

(but also like. if the viruses managed to successfully switch hosts and killed me with a violent infection, itd still be worth it.)

What does it take to make African mythology real? Everything we had. Over 70% of our Kickstarter Backers came from Tumblr. Thank you. Now it's yours.