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祝日 / Permanent Vacation
we're not kids anymore.
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@bedtime--thoughtz
Lifesaver
I would say she kinda saved my life. She’s the reason I’m not having suicide thoughts multiple times a day after having that for months. When I’m around her it’s like I can finally see life in colors again. The black and white is fading a little and a sense of life is shining through.
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Alice
Sometimes I have this rather “cute” and interesting dissociations where I feel like Alice in wonderland when she’s super tiny and the world around her seems so big and I’m looking through her eyes on my world and wonder how I never notices before that the coffee machine is almost half as big as I am. At least from my perspective.
Das bist nicht du. Das ist gerade die Krankheit und nicht du. Die Krankheit nimmt gerade sehr viel Platz ein und du musst versuchen, Dinge zu tun, um sie klein zu halten und ihr diesen Raum nicht zu geben. Dinge für dich. Dinge, die dich größer machen.
Was meine Therapeutin gestern bei unserem Notfall-Termin gesagt hat
Mein Kopf schreit so laut “Los, mach es jetzt, jetzt sofort! Bevor sie dich in die Klinik stecken können und du dort gebrainwashed wirst!” Doch ich bleibe sitzen, ganz still, und bewege mich nicht. Ich lasse den Gedanken einfach ihren Raum und warte, dass sie vorüber ziehen. “Toll, das war sehr erwachsen und vernünftig” würde meine Therapeutin jetzt sagen. Aber das sehe ich nicht. Für mich war es feige, nicht darauf einzugehen oder meinem Kopf einen ebenso blöden Kommentar hinzuwerfen, sodass er endlich den Mund hält. Aber das ist schon okay, ich werde noch lernen, es zu sehen und ich werde noch lernen, gut zu kontern. Und ich werde in die Klinik gehen und lernen mein Leben wieder richtig in den Händen zu haben. Auch wenn meine Angst und Panik ins unermessliche geht und ich nichts mehr möchte, als mein Leben wieder zu haben. Zu leben, zu lachen, zu reisen, zu genießen, ganz normal zu sein und mich trotzdem besonders und toll zu fühlen. Es wird schon irgendeinen Sinn haben, dass es so läuft, wie es läuft. Vielleicht bin ich in ein paar Jahren glücklich über diese Umstände und über das, was daraus resultiert.
Ein gestrandeter Wal in der Badewanne
Also lag ich da in der leeren Badewanne, aus der das Wasser langsam durch den Abfluss wich, und fühlte mich schwer wie ein gestrandeter Wal, dem langsam das ganze Gewicht seines Körpers und seiner Seele auf die inneren Organe drückt und er droht bald zu ersticken. Doch ich war nicht dabei zu sterben, das signalisiert mir mein kräftig schlagendes Herz indem es laut durch meinen Rücken auf die Wand der Badewanne pochte. Ich würde leben, auch wenn es sich nicht gerade so anfühlt. Ich werde einer der gestrandeten Wale sein, die mit der Hilfe anderer wieder zurück ins Wasser geschoben wird. Denn nicht alle gestrandeten Wale müssen zwangsläufig sterben. Ein paar von ihnen werden leben, sie werden wieder schwimmen und die typischen Walgesänge singen. Auch wenn es Ihnen gerade aussichtslos und unmöglich scheint, wie werden leben.
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Ich habe Angst, so unglaubliche Angst. Angst vor dem Leben und vor dem Tod. Angst vor dem was kommt und vor dem was war. Angst vor den Menschen und vor mir. Ich hab einfach so unglaubliche Angst.
How do you deal with emotions in a non-destructive way?
And my running feet could fly
Each breath screaming
"We are all too young to die"
Florence + the machine - Between two lungs
Sparkle moment of today #3
Having a session with a substitute therapist today cause mine is on vacation rn and she was one of the most heartwarming and lovely people I’ve ever met. She prettty much looked like a cute little chubby mouse and was just saying the right things at the right time.
I don’t know what the exact definition of an anxiety attack sounds like but in my case it was always an enormous feeling of fear and panic that was sneaking up. My body started to shake, I was hyperventilating, tears came up, my throat and chest felt like I’m going to suffocate, my body got so heavy, I felt like I’m numb to everything around me and my whole body was prickling like it feels like when you go back inside after a walk in the winter.
Some people call it an anxiety attack when they get these waves of panic where you feel like you can’t handle your life right now but it’s nothing you would really recognize when you look at that person. I’m not saying my example is worse than this. Because right now I don’t have these huge panic attacks anymore. I’m getting more of these “little” ones and I’m working on not playing them down and taking this situation seriously. This feeling of the anxiety attacks totally changed. When I used to have these heavy ones my biggest fear was anyone noticing and judging me for that. Right now my biggest fear is dying from it. It’s just feeling the panic on my chest, maybe some tears in my eyes and a little shaking. But it’s like I’m looking into deaths face. That’s new and it’s super odd but it’s okay, cause it’s a problem I’m working on and it will get better eventually. And that’s all I can say to that.
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26/07/2018
The day I got my diagnosis: Borderline
Sparkle moment of today #2
Train riding over the bridge, seeing the water reflecting the beautiful sky, everyone on the train being just quiet for a moment
When your new therapist tells you to go to hospital cause the struggles you have with your mental health are too heavy after you’ve been told that you’re just a little depressed and that everyone has bad days too, by people for years.
And when she tells you like a week later that it’s not all as bad as you think and that you’re not really that sick and that you just have to go out, meet people and live your life cause that’s the key to recovery.
Could someone please take me serious just for once and stop talking my problems down? Thanx bye
Noticing weeks later that she is such a lovely person and was probably just testing out how I react on different responses and is finally taking me serious and guys please go all to therapy, it’s so worth it (had like 10 out of 80-100 sessions, can see the ups and down already coming but I’m still optimistic it’ll all be good at the end)
Sparkle moment of today #1
My therapist and I complimenting each other’s hair and outfit and totally meaning it.
When your new therapist tells you to go to hospital cause the struggles you have with your mental health are too heavy after you’ve been told that you’re just a little depressed and that everyone has bad days too, by people for years.
And when she tells you like a week later that it’s not all as bad as you think and that you’re not really that sick and that you just have to go out, meet people and live your life cause that’s the key to recovery.
Could someone please take me serious just for once and stop talking my problems down? Thanx bye
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Wenn ich nichts esse, geht es mir schlecht.
Wenn ich esse, geht es mir schlecht.
Wenn ich nur ein bisschen esse, dann geht es mir ein bisschen besser, aber gut ist von allem so weit entfernt.
Why is gaining waight so hard?