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and words are futile devices

Today's Seal Is: Ya Really Mean It?

“I keep the lights off. I do the dishes. I call it a day and it doesn’t answer me. I cry into my coffee cup. I forget what my thumb is for when it isn’t hovering over your name in my phone. I wait for you. I listen for you. I pretend to be better than I am. Less selfish, less desperate, more necessary. I say your name until it doesn’t sound like a word anymore. I tell myself that this kind of hell is important, but I don’t believe it. Still, I say it. Still, I breathe easier. I open myself up like a Matryoshka doll, hoping to find you inside, but it’s just me. Again and again, it’s just me. There is no version of this story where I am not sick over you, where my body is not taut with the effort it takes to not be with you. The truth is, some pain just isn’t worth it. Sometimes, the hurt gets old. Sometimes, you get tired of being the one who has to heal.”

Does it ever get better