just a side blog for my feelings

I miss Caden.

I miss the way he smiled at me. I miss the way he annoyed me. I miss all the little things I’d notice about him, the way the only real way you could tell if he was drunk was to get him on the dance floor. The way he loved attention. How he always sat in the same spot on his counter in the apartment he used to live in. The way he would die for his girls. The parking spot he always took. The way he used to sit in his car for who knows how long just to be there. How he’d name every stuffed animal, and they all had meaning behind them. The way he took care of his appearance. How he smoked cigarettes - but only when he was drunk (or at work… or feeling like one). The way he aaaaalways wanted to drink. Our never ending conversations. The way he didn’t give a fuck about anyone other than himself, unless it mattered. Usually. The way he was always ready for a fight. How easily he would get mad, too. How he was trying to mend the relationship with his family, same as I was. I miss his hair and the way it felt to lay behind him in bed, holding him despite what seemed like his best efforts to curl into an impenetrable ball. I miss how smart he seemed all the time, except when he didn’t. I miss our little bouts of smart assery with eachother. I miss waking up next to him, but I also miss accidentally staying up until 6 am every time we were together, no matter the circumstances. I miss the way he’d complain about his job, even though it sounds like the cushiest place I can imagine for him.

I wish you hadn’t reached back out.

But you found peace in Brandon, when all I ever seemed to bring you was stress. It doesn’t take a genius to understand why you chose him. I just wish you hadn’t reached back out, so I could continue hating you, instead of missing you. Sitting in the silence in my car tonight, I understood the appeal. Sorry I couldn’t see it sooner. Sorry I wasn’t ready to appreciate everything you had to offer.

I’ll try to do better, for next time. Whoever they may be.