The Only Sound In My Head Is AAAAAA

"Is that so?" Eris asked him, her three eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Oh yes!" Eido said excitedly from behind her screen as she pulled out three more wolves and set them down on the table. "In my monster manual, entries for wolves are a considerably lower challenge rating than the ones for dire wolves."

"Can I speak with them and explain that we mean them no harm?" Eris asked.

"Uh… We probably should have done that before I tried to light 'em on fire." Drifter said.

"They are animals,” Eris continued. “Perhaps they will not understand your murderous intent, especially considering how woefully ineffective it was."

"Hey!" Drifter protested.

"Actually, Eris," Eido said as she began rolling multiple sets of dice with two hands behind the screen while she repositioned another one of the wolves, using her third and fourth hands to scan through a datapad as she talked. "It is not yet your turn but, because you are a Druid, please make an additional perception check."

"Hmmm…" Eris began to look through a small cloth bag in front of her.

"You can use mine. It's right there." Drifter said.

"I do not wish to use your dice. Eido has kindly provided me with my own. I will use them." Eris answered him.

"Ok but mine's right there."

"And it just rolled a four."

"So?"

"It is inauspicious." Eris explained.

"What? Just because I'm shifty don't mean my dice are suspicious too. Besides, if I was gonna cheat I'd be rollin' high, not low."

"Not suspicious." Eris clarified. "Inauspicious."

"The hell does that mean?" Drifter asked her.

Across the table from them, Saint-14 laughed and took another sip of the cold carbonated syrup-water that the Drifter had insisted was traditional for these gatherings.

"Of ill omen, unlucky… doomed," Eris intoned.

"Doomed!? Did you curse it or somethin'?"

"No," Eris said flatly. "Would you like me to?"

Saint laughed again.

"I'd really rather ya didn’t," Drifter told her.

"Very well. I believe this one has twenty sides. I will roll it." Eris' die clattered across the table landing next to the Drifter's. Hers was green with sparkles. When she leaned over the table to examine the roll the sparkles glinted in the light from her eyes.

"Oh… oh that's really pretty. Where'd you get that?" he asked Eido.

Eido giggled. "I had them specially made. I thought Eris would like them."

"I do," Eris said. "And I am even more pleased that the roll is a seventeen."

"That's very good." Eido tapped softly on her datapad and they heard a few more dice rolling behind the cardboard stand where they could not see.

"With that roll, Eris," Eido explained, "You are able to determine that these are not simply dire wolves."

"Oh ho! Very good, Eris!" Saint said as he ate another of the Drifter's crispy olive-stuffed cheese balls.

"What are they?" Eris asked Eido.

Eido hunched forward slightly. The top two of her four eyes peeked over the cardboard. "With your knowledge of nature and your attunement to all living things in the natural world, you, Hincal, Druid of the Moon, are very certain that these dire wolves are… " She paused for effect. "Not alive!"

Eido raised all four of her arms into the air and wriggled her twelve fingers.

"What?" Eris tilted her head and frowned.

"Ah shit," Drifter began rubbing his chin through his beard and studying the board.

"What? What does that mean?" Eris asked looking from Drifter to Saint-14.

"Wait, Eido… does that mean that they are…" Saint stopped and started scanning his character sheet. "…undead?"

"Oh Yes." Eido said, attempting to make her voice as ominous as Eris'.

Drifter snorted.

"Ha! This is wonderful!" Saint-14 shouted excitedly.

"Wonderful? Why is it wonderful." Eris asked.

Drifter shook his head and sighed. "Because they're zombies."

Saint began gleefully pulling out dice from his dice bag. Then he frowned and leaned down, picking up a second dice bag from the empty chair beside him and began pulling out even more dice.

"Why are zombies… wonderful?" Eris asked.

"Because…" Saint stood up, held his arms out wide, and shouted into the Drifter's galley. "I AM A CLERIC! HA HA HA!"

"Yup," Drifter groaned. "I was worried this was gonna happen."

[Two hours later]

"Isamu, Cleric of Morodin" Eido said, barely restraining her glee. "Roll your second death save."

Saint-14 rolled a bright purple twenty-sided die across the table. It stopped slightly off the map, but still on the table, between where Eris and the Drifter were sitting.

"Ah… do not tell me the number, my friends. Simply let me know if it is good or bad," Saint said.

"Um…" Drifter said softly.

Eido covered her mouth with two of her hands.

The Soulfire glow from Eris' eyes briefly shifted the colour of the die as she examined it and then turned to Saint. "It is… inauspicious," she intoned.

"I see," Saint said.

"But… he has one more death saving roll left, does he not?" Eris asked.

Drifter sighed. "He's prone, unconscious, and has eight zombie dire wolves around him. I don't know if we can get to him in time."

"Can we not drag him to safety?" Eris asked.

"We can't outrun them. But if we leave him, they might stay and eat him and let us go."

"What?" Eris looked at Drifter, incredulous. "No!"

"It is probably for the best, Eris." Saint said, his accent making him seem even more grave as he nodded sagely.

"Absolutely not," Eris told him.

The plate of olive-stuffed cheese balls was now empty. The carbonated syrup-water was gone. Saint's seven-layer dip was now just a sour cream-smeared container next to a bowl containing the small crumbs from triangular corn chips. The Derelict made its low rattling hum all around them and the Drifter stood up from the table in his galley to put his kettle on to boil for more tea for Eris.

"Hincal, Druid of the Moon," Eido said to Eris. "It is your turn. What will you do?"

"How many bolts do you have left for your crossbow?" Eris asked Drifter.

"Four." He called over his shoulder from the other side of the room.

"And you have no more spells left?" Eris clarified.

"Just the one cantrip that does between one and ten fire." He said as he returned to his seat.

"I see. Very well," Eris said. "On your turn you will stand behind me and shoot. They should attack me first."

"I dunno that this is gonna work out, Moonlight." Drifter said gently.

Behind her DM screen, Eido gasped, looking from one to the other and then back again.

"Then we die." Eris said. "We are not leaving him behind."

"Ok then," Drifter shrugged. "You got two attacks in your giant badger form. Bite and claws. What you doin' with 'em?"

[Another hour later]

"Hincal, Druid of the Moon, roll your death save please." Eido said, her four eyes wide.

Eris rolled her twenty-sided die and they all watched it land on a sparkly green two.

"Uh… that's uh… in-suspicious, ain't it?" Drifter asked.

Eris sighed. "Yes."

Eido's four eyes turned to the Drifter. "Lanlar, the Magnificent. It is your turn. What will you do?"

"You should run," Eris told him.

Drifter shook his head. "I'm a wizard. My physical stats are garbage. The time to run was an hour ago when our cleric went hard-down. I don't think I'm gettin' away from four zombie dire wolves. They don't get tired. I do."

"You should at least try." Eris said. "You have no more ammunition and the only magic you have at this point is your pitiful fire sparks which barely do any damage."

"Thanks for that vote of confidence," Drifter said dryly.

"Ha!" Saint chortled.

"Perhaps you could… throw your quarterstaff and ask them to… fetch?" Eris deadpanned.

Saint almost fell over he started laughing so hard. Eido also was overcome with giggles.

"Well at least we can still make the dead guy laugh."

Drifter looked over at Eido. "What I will do, is congratulate Crabcakes over here on her very first TPK."

"Oh ho!" Saint slapped the table. "Yes indeed! Well done, Eido!"

"What does TPK mean?" Eris asked.

"Total party kill." Eido said with awe in her voice as she looked shyly from Eris to Drifter to Saint. "I have never done this before," she added.

"I see. Yes," Eris said. "Commendations, Eido. You have vanquished us in combat."

"That was a well done trap." Drifter said. "I knew as soon as you said they weren't alive that Saint was gonna go all-in and we were doomed. Well, little sister, here's my character sheet." Drifter handed Eido the paper from in front of him. "I believe you get to rip 'em all up or light 'em on fire in front of us or somethin'."

Eris and Saint-14 also dutifully handed Eido their character sheets.

Eido held one sheet in each hand and brought all three character sheets toward herself, looking at them in delight. Then, giggling, she handed each character sheet back to its respective player.

"Please wait one moment," the Eliksni scribe said. And then very quickly, all four of her hands began rapidly pulling miniatures, dice, and small pieces of plastic terrain off of the table. When the game table map was completely clear Eido wrung her two lower hands as her two upper hands reached down, picked up the edge of her map, and after waiting a moment to make sure everyone was watching, she flipped it over with a flourish. On the other side of their carefully drawn forest encounter was a different map. It portrayed a darkened cavern with pillars containing strange runes and ghostly tendrils. Clumps of small glowing mushrooms were in some of the corners.

"What is this?" Eris whispered.

"I dunno," Drifter whispered back.

Eido continued to giggle but said nothing as she set each player's miniatures down on the map inside of a small ring marked "restraints."

Then, Eido sat back down and peeked her top two eyes over the edge of her DM screen again. All four of her hands gripped the top edge of the cardboard, two on each side of her head as she looked around at all three of her players.

"You awaken to near darkness." Eido told them. "You are alive, even though you very clearly remember being torn apart by zombie dire wolves. However, each of you is tied up very tightly and you cannot move."

"Huh," the Drifter said, nodding.

"The memories of the battle still haunt your waking minds." Eido continued. "You can hear soft drops of water in the distance. Drip. Drip. Drip. It is the only sound other than your breathing and the occasional scuffing as you writhe around against your bindings. After a short while, a light appears in the distance. Someone is approaching."

"Should we call for help?" Eris asked Drifter and Saint-14.

"Look, Moondust, you do you, but I ain't sayin' shit," Drifter told her. "I don't what in the hell is goin' on but I'm thinkin' maybe I don't want anyone to know I'm awake yet."

"Hmmm… perhaps you are correct." Eris said. "Eido, how long were we asleep? Have we had the benefits of a long rest?"

"No, you have not. And, in fact, both you, Hincal," Eido gestured toward Eris with one of her hands. "And you, Isamu," Eris gestured toward Saint-14, are keenly aware that not only are you not rested at all. You are very certain that you were, in fact, dead. And that now you are very much not."

"Hold up," Drifter interrupted. "Are we zombies?"

"No," Eido said. "And as you are thinking these thoughts, before you can do anything, a tall, robed figure appears and walks to the middle of the room where you can all see it. In all of your minds, you hear its voice."

"In our minds?" Eris asked. "Is it using telepathy?"

"Yes," Eido continued. "It is. And it says…" Eido stood and began to sway from side to side keeping her two lower hands well hidden behind the DM screen. She used one of her upper hands to cover her face and made her voice grinding and strange. "I have brought you all back from the dead…" She pointed at each of them with her free hand. "And now you are mine to command until such time as you have earned your freedom. For I…"

Eido excitedly used her two lower hands to lift a figurine from behind the thin cardboard barrier and place it in the middle of the map. It was humanoid but had what looked like a pale gray squid for a head, with long tentacles reaching out from where its mouth would be and skeleton bone hands sticking out from the sleeves of its robes. "Am Tazam-Klee, the Alhoon! And you are now my vassals! Hahahahahaha!" Eido raised all for of her hands up to the ceiling and shook them as she did her best, most menacing, maniacal laughter.

"What is this, Eido?" Saint leaned back and asked her.

"Is that a mindflayer that's also… a lich?" Drifter asked, incredulous.

"Yes!" Eido answered him. "And this is where we will end our session," she continued. "Your characters will all be returned to full health with a long rest but…" Eido paused for dramatic effect. "You will also gain a new set of saves that will go next to your death saves."

"Hmmm…" Eris picked up and ran her fingertips over the new minature to 'see' it better with her fingerips as Eido spoke.

"If you attempt to defy Tzam-Klee's direct order, you will roll a saving throw, just like you did with your death saves. If you succeed, you can continue your action. But if you fail, you will gain a point of disobedience. Once you reach five points of disobedience, Tazam-Klee will deem you unsuitable for his needs and you will…"  Eido leaned forward.  "Instantly…"  Eido leaned forward again.  "Die."

"Well that is just devious!" Drifter said, laughing.

"But what if this… this creature… asks us to do something we cannot allow ourselves to do?" Saint asked Eido.

"You will have the ability to refuse five times and you will have to ration those opportunities carefully and decide each time whether or not it is worth it to try to disobey," Eido answered him.

"And what is it we will be asked to do?" Eris asked.

"You will find that out…" Eido looked around the table, from Drifter's face, to Eris', to Saint's before she continued, "...next session."

Saint-14 clapped his hands slowly and loudly. Drifter also applauded. After a moment, Eris joined in as well.