Right to Rant

Hey, Future Lillian,

It's me.  You know, past you?  Anyway, you decided to write this letter to yourself.  Sounds like fun (except it's not really, because I don't know if you remember, but your emotions were all over the place when you decided to write this thing)

Anyway, how's it going? Have you made it? I sure hope you did.

Listen, you're going through some rough patches back in my time, so I just need to know.

Are you finally okay?  Are you finally okay with who you've become?  Do you see the person that everyone else sees?  Have you become the person you always wished you could be?

How's Rach?  Surely, you remember the roughness she's going through currently.  I hope that she sees the light in the world now.  I hope she found some true friends.  That is one of her biggest fears, you know.  That she won't ever find true friends.  That she'll just be forever lonely or forever bullied.

I know I am going to sound like a terrible person for saying this... but have you broken the news to Shelly, of how she isn't our best friend? I sure hope you have at this point.  How'd she take it?  If you haven't broken the news, that's fine, I guess.  It's a hard conversation for me to have, no doubt it will be the same for you.  But it must be torture.  I know how you feel.  I am not enjoying being on the end of her 'motherly' stick.

Honestly, I am so conflicted about her.  Naomi told us that Shelly's cons seems to overpower her pros.  In a way, I completely agree.  I don't know.

I just hope that you've managed to become comfortable with who you really are, whoever that may be.  I don't know right now, but maybe you do.

I don't know what else to say.  I just know that I wanted to write you a letter.

Thanks for staying strong.. for the both of us.  Thanks for lasting as long as you have.

I haven’t been on here in a long while, and the last time I was on here, I was doing Image descriptions, which I intend to go back to, should I remember to come back to tumblr once in a while.

Nah.

It’s a been awhile since I’ve ranted.

And now that I’m back, it’s... a lil melancholic?  I don’t think that’s the word I want.  But... I’m not here to sad rant or angry rant as I have in the past.

I’m... grateful. I guess.

All day, I’ve been cleaning up my computer of old files that I don’t need, don’t look at.  It’s just... time to let them go.

And I have a lot of Doctor Who related stuff, which I knew I’d encounter going into it.  But what I didn’t realize was how much depressing stuff I had in my unsorted pictures.

Lots of quotes of being sad, of being lonely, of being depressed and unseen.

And I realize.... well I realized a lot of things, all in one instance

1) Doctor Who was my life preserver.  It helped me strive to find some joy in my life.

2) So were those quotes.  They were something tangible, something that physicalized the pain I was feeling

3) As I thought of logging back into Tumblr, I realized that I’ve always journaled in some form to get my head clear.  I properly started journaling at the beginning of the pandemic, when I was forced to stay away from my best friend.

But I never really needed a physical journal.  I’d always kinda used Tumblr as my journal.

4) How... how much things have changed.  Since two years ago.  Since five years ago.  Since however long ago I opened this account.

Since my last login:

 I’ve graduated.  I actually graduated and now I refer to those last two years as my years in hell.  And it makes sense.  I can vividly remember the pain and anger and anguish I felt as I journaled/ranted/typed it out.  And .. I cannot believe that I am who I am now, where I am now compared to that person

I have a boyfriend.  He was there, under my nose and he’s a dream come true, everything I could’ve asked for in a partner and more

I travel a lot with the people I love

I’m calmer.

I’m unlearning a lot of bad habits and my interpersonal relationships are getting stronger every day

my sister is better off.  She’s suddenly (or at least, suddenly to me) running to me, throwing my advice back at me, self regulating, communicating... and the hardest thing to accept?  She’s suddenly seeing me.  She acknowledges how much I take on and how hard I work

My bestie broke up with her toxic ex and the two of us realized just how much of a wedge the ex was trying to put between us.  So we’re slowly getting ourselves back into the habit and the space of being each other’s besties.  Visiting each other.  Calling each other.  Messaging each other.  Little things like that.

Do I still hate life sometimes?

Yeah.  Vehemently.  I’m just real tired of the hand I’ve been dealt.  I’m woefully overdue for a win.

But... reflecting on everything.  The people I’ve met who screwed me over big time, who treated me like trash.  The people I’ve kept in my life and now the people that I’ve gained, I know... I know things’ll turn out just fine.

I don’t need to think about the people of my past anymore.  I don’t need to wonder why I wasn’t enough.  They’re not meant to be.  I don’t need to live wholly in the world of Doctor Who (though I very much will because I owe this show a lot and I hold it very dearly to my heart.  SIDE NOTE: I MET DAVID TENNANT VERY RECENTLY AND AHHHHHHHHHH???????)

But I no longer need it to be my whole life.  My life preserver.