I❤CODMEN(especially Nikto👅)

𓏲 Price, Ghost, Soap, Gaz, Roach, Alejandro, Rudy, Phillip Graves, Makarov, Keegan, König, Horangi, Nikto

Price

If his sanity was barely hanging on by a thread when he used the period simulator for a mere 10 minutes he cannot bear to imagine the intolerable amount of pain that must be coursing through your body right this instant and is very surprised at how well you're holding up (holy run-on sentence)

Won't ever comment or even lightly joke about your snappy attitude, his mere presence perhaps is too annoying right?

He knew women had it hard, but he wasn't aware to the full extent of all the miniscule things that made the week of your cycle feel like a battlefield, or even worse he'd argue

Has much more than just sympathy for you, his understanding of your pain goes deeper and that blooms into empathy and that goes even further and turns into compassion; he shows this by bringing you snacks on his way home, even flowers seem like a nice gesture as they decorate your dim vision with colors

He knows this is not enough, during this time you tend to seek comfort in simple but thoughtful gestures, knowing he is the man filled to the brim with warmth just for you, he decides to also take a break with you and tend to you but most importantly; remain by your side

Ghost

Doesn't want to admit it out loud but he was greatly humbled by the period simulator, remembering how much the pain resembled that of hell he is more than ready to gentle when you tell him you're on your period

Before he wouldn't really do anything extra for you, perhaps you would ask for him to pick something up from the store and he'd go only for him to get the wrong thing or forget something from your list, he'd never understand why you would be upset at him over it, now he knows just how much something that 'small' can mean to someone who is experiencing the most uncomfortable yet slowest and agonizing pain

He thinks a lot more on how you feel; ruminating over every habit of his that could potentially inconvenience you, he washes the dishes he just used, picks up the laundry and without a second thought changes the bedsheets if you stain them

And perhaps the most important to you; he listens to you, nodding along as you rant to him and even offering you to rub your back if that helps alleviate some pain, you gladly accept his offer

Soap

I wanna be funny and say he turns into one of those guys who starts crying and gets super sad if they find out someone is on their period, "nooo periods MUST end" "eat this knuckle sandwich period cramps!"

"..." as you roll your eyes and are so ready to take a painkiller and put some white noise to doze off to

Albeit annoying as he constantly ask what you need, what he can do, and leaving food/snacks on your nightstand constantly he does get all the household chores done when you told him to (you figured he would be busy with what for some time and would leave you alone)

He tried cooking you something only for it turn out inedible, but the thought of him slaving over a stove stressing out makes you see it as a cute gesture, he stuck with making simple teas so at least he didn't mess that up lol

Turned the tv on for you, you were halfway through a cheesy romcom movie you were watching for the shiggles when you turned only to find him standing in the doorway completely absorbed in the plot, actually cried a lot at the "sad" breakup scene considering he wasn't the one with messy hormones

Gaz

Even before the whole period simulator thing he made sure you were stocked up on pads, tampons or whatever else you used for when that time of the month came, he thought you had it pretty good, a bit of mild uncomfortableness for a week of rest, right?

Well that period simulator sure enlightened him, he found out that it wasn't just blood dripping down there, it was a plethora of symptoms and feelings that came with it, he knew cramps were bad but not THAT bad, somehow feels guilty as if he were the cause of your pain

Like promised he does buy extra of your fav foods that can be easily made if he's not around, and when he is home he makes a bigger effort to ensure that the meals he makes for you are to your liking and won't disturb your stomach

Will immediately drop anything he's doing if he so much feels you tug at his shirt to cuddle, now he is a lot more sensitive to what you're feeling and understands that sometimes the best comfort he can provide is his warmth embrace

Roach

From last time he learned that sometimes eating can be a real chore when you're experiencing horrible cramps or headaches because of your period, sometimes the only thing you want to do is lie down, so he decides to invest in getting you comfortable and soft blankets, pajamas or any loungewear

He'll surrender his clothes a lot more often now if you really want, even buys those plushies that you can put in a microwave and they'll be super soft and cuddly and warm that you just melt into them, comes home with at least five of those btw

He canNOT cook an elaborate meal that you're craving, and he gets nervous when you were desperately wanting a snack only for the store to have it out of stock and he comes home with an alternative instead not knowing if you'll just ignore him or decide to bury him six feet under

Alejandro

He was very bad with the period simulator, to the point it's embarrassing for him to talk about it, but he is a lot more alert to whenever you're irritated or get in a bad mood because of the strong cramps and heavy blood flow for the first couple of days of your period

Any minor show of discomfort and he's more than willing to drive you home if you're out, even if he's not there beside you, you might just be texting him to complain about how bad your period cramps are and how you can't wait to get home and just crash into bed

Don't be surprised if you check his location to find out he's 10 minutes away already with a bouquet of flowers + your fav takeout place ready to come rescue you, and don't even try to make excuses about how you need to stay at work or finish running errands, he WILL do anything he can to ensure you don't worry about anything other than taking care of yourself right now

Rudy

You casually mention you just got your period as you leave the bathroom and enter the living room to sit next to Rudy again, you feel him tense from his spot on the couch and you look up from your phone to see him already hurrying to get up

"Where are you going?" and he explains how he's going to make sure you're stocked up on pads/tampons, make sure the laundry is done and your blankets are clean so he can start setting up your resting area

You're confused until guilt floods you as you remember how a week ago you had made him do the period simulator and he barely was able to handle it, you had done it for fun but looks like he was still recovering from that

Still, you let him pamper you extra this time and assure him he's doing great when he awkwardly stands not knowing whether he's doing things right or not, but every time he remembers how he failed the period simulator he knows it's 10x worse for you because you can't just turn the pain off, this is the real thing not a simulator and he feels as if he can't do much to make up for that :(

Phillip Graves

No longer laughs when an acquaintance complains about their wives' period pain but instead just hardens his jaw as he thinks what a bastard they are for not understanding how difficult of a time this can be for those with periods

Thinks about what gift to get you when your next period comes along, since he knows how your mood can be really down in the dumps, all those headaches, bloating, aches, and low energy you display are no joke and he only got to experience the cramps now imagine all that combined...

Doesn't complain about how tired he is or brush you off if you're having trouble sleeping and want to stay up watching or reading something, will try to stay up with you before eventually nodding off as you try waking him up because you want him to be present until you fall asleep

Barely raises a brow if you curse every five minutes because you stained your fave pair of shorts or get cramps, Lord knows how much he was cursing when he used the period simulator..

Makarov

May not express any words of comfort but man knows not to ask stupid questions and get you everything without you needing to ask him, decides to add a reminder to his phone whenever your cycle is about to start so he can have everything prepared

Whatever you want he will try to get you, if you want to go out and eat out he won't hesitate to take you but if you don't feel like eating out he'll order you food and will hire someone to take over the kitchen for you if you don't have the energy to cook due to fatigue

Doesn't tease or make remarks as before and decides to keep quiet whenever he notices you haven't been resting well due to body aches or constantly getting up to change your pad, he may not be good at verbally expressing these things but has the resources to make this time of the month a little easier for you

Keegan

Is a lot more patient but doesn't want you to remind him how snappy he got when he used the period simulator, you've never been so cranky considering you're dealing with the real thing but he doesn't like that you're laughing about it now

Now he makes sure to make it is priority to get anything you ask him to buy at the store, he used to be pretty forgetful but damn if that simulator taught him anything is that cramps are nothing to be joking about, he'll even order light meals to make it easier on your upset stomach

You've used up all your stretchy and comfortable pajamas but he stays on top of washing them to make sure you can wear fresh ones each time you step out of the bath, stocks up the pantry so you can freely raid it every night if you feel like it, he only makes sure to pick up the empty containers of cookies or half-eaten bags of chips the next morning

König

If you're raving about something he's learned to shut up and not open his mouth to offer any input unless he wants to be scrubbing floors for a week straight, does it either way because you can barely bend or move as your body aches, but at least he's gotten a laugh out of you when you walk by and see his big frame on his knees desperately trying but failing to get a stain off of the floor

If you mention in passing how you're bleeding more than usual or feel dizzy he won't hesitate to immediately ask if you need to go to the doctor, or wait maybe even to the ER?!

He's certain that if it were men who experienced period pain there would have been a permanent cure or a lot more support provided by now, tbh you think he's more dramatic than you've ever been because of the period simulator

Horangi

He used to drag you to the gym even when you were on your period just for you to accompany him, but after trying the period simulator he doesn't force you anymore, matter of fact you can stay home as much as you want and he won't bother you about it, you feel icky and just super low on energy to the point you can't get things done

He's learned to be more communicative and learn what you need help with so he can at least try and be supportive, he's surprisingly efficient and it takes a huge load off your shoulders

Remembers the pain he felt when using the period simulator and learns to help with mood changes if you're having severe cramps, doesn't force anything and holds back on his impulsiveness for your sake

Will never underestimate how much pain you can take to the point he's lowkey a little scared of your strength when he was falling apart whenever he remembers the stomach cramps..

Nikto

Did not easily forget the terrible experience of going through the dreaded period simulator, he remembers how helpless he felt even as he was twisting in pain as you made him experience level 10 of cramps, and he only shudders thinking how your body handles that on a monthly basis

Watches and observes you whenever you mention you're on your period, a few times now you've noticed him looking over at you every time you walk out of the bathroom after changing your pad/tampon, is he looking for signs of distress?... either way he's not risking asking you to do stuff for him

Gives you lotssss of space since you honestly don't feel like cuddling and especially not when you've already take painkillers and don't feel them helping at all

John "Soap" MacTavish You're bouncing with excitement, dragging Soap toward Space Mountain. He's not listening. He's sniffing the air like a bloodhound. "D'you smell that?" "That's sunscreen, Soap." "No. It's glory. It's grease. It's roasted poultry!" He practically vaults a stroller. You blink and he's bartering with a vendor, two turkey legs in hand like sacred artifacts. "Babe," you sigh, "we haven't done a single ride-" "This is the ride.” He feeds you a greasy bite with glitter in his hair and juice running down his chin. "Mmm. Freedom." You give up and sit on a bench with him, turkey juice on your lap and love in your heart.

Simon Ghost" Riley You had an itinerary. A neatly color-coded one. Ghost had nodded solemnly when you went over it this morning. You were two feet into the park when he locked onto the first food cart like a predator. "They've got sit," he mutters. "What?" "The turkey leg. The massive one." "You promised fireworks!" The leg, sweetheart." And then he disappears. You find him later in a corner like a cryptid, mask slightly lifted, tearing into the leg with surgical precision. You sit beside him, defeated. He offers you a bite without looking. You take it. It's really, really good. Damn it.

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick Gaz swore he'd do every ride with you. But then he saw someone walk by with a turkey leg the size of a toddler. "Wait. Hold on What is that." He runs over like he's reporting on the scene. "Look at this beast!" 'Gaz, we have Lightning Lane!" "We have priorities!" He holds it like a sacred relic. Grease stains his chin. You sit on a bench as he devours it, eyes closed in reverence. "I came for Disney," he moans, "but this is biblical." "You're the biblical one." "Worth it." He tries to offer you a bite, but it's just bone now.

John Price Price acts like he's enjoying himself. Takes your photos, holds your bag, nods at Mickey. But you catch the way his eyes dart to every food stand. "You alright?" you ask. "Mmhm. Just... recon." Then, with the seriousness of a man who's seen war, he turns to you: "I need one." "Need what?" "The leg." He returns ten minutes later with two. He hands you one like it's a proposal. This," he says, biting in, "is peace." You sit on a flower-dusted bench beside your bloodthirsty fiancé as he growls, "Better than Thanksgiving." You're never beating this memory.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson Roach is vibrating. Literally vibrating. The turkey leg is almost as tall as his torso, and he's skipping toward you like a proud gremlin. "I GOT IT," he signs frantically You 're covered in Mickey stickers and foam swords. "Roach. We're late for the parade." He's already gnawing. He drags you to a corner under Cinderella's Castle and gives you a greasy grin. The fireworks start. He doesn't flinch-he's too busy using his turkey leg like a pointer to describe the shapes. You roll your eyes, but you lean into him. The smell of barbecue and joy lingers into the night.

Nikolai He's the only person who makes turkey legs look classy. Dressed in a floral shirt, sunglasses on, Nikolai strolls through- Disney like he owns the park. You point excitedly to Dumbo. "One ride," he murmurs. "But first... meat." You blink and he's already traded three pins, a map, and probably a favor for the juiciest turkey leg in sight. "How did you-" "I know people." He picks at it delicately, almost elegantly. You want bite?" You do. It's glorious. "Now ride?" "Now nap," he says, stretched out on the bench with the leg like it's a luxury cigar.

Alejandro Vargas Alejandro keeps up the enthusiasm until a smell hits him like a freight train. He stops mid-sentence. "What is that divine scent?" "Probably turkey leg-" "WHERE. You don't even get to blink. He's halfway across the plaza, charming a vendor with his dimples and military swagger. "For mi amor, and for me." He returns triumphant, two turkey legs held aloft like twin sabers. He does not share. You glare. "You said it was for me!" "I lied. But look at it." You have to bribe a bite off him with a kiss. Worth it. Mostly.

Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra Rudy was excited for all the cute couple photos... until he smelled smoke. Grilled smoke. "Cariño," he says softly, gripping your hand. "I think I smell heaven." "That's probably popcorn." "No. That is turkey." You sigh. Moments later, he returns with a turkey leg wrapped in napkins, reverently balanced in both hands like a child. "It's hot," he warns. You sit on a curb together and share it bite by bite. "Best date ever," he sighs. You smirk. "We haven't done anything else." "Exactly." He wipes grease from your cheek like it's an act of love. Honestly... it kind of is.

Valeria Garza Valeria wasn't even going to come to Disney. "Too crowded," she muttered. "Too loud." But one whiff of sizzling turkey and she transformed. "I want that." You try to stop her, but she's already intimidating a poor vendor into handing over the juiciest leg. She tears into it like a queen in warpaint, bloodthirsty and regal. "Want a bite?" she asks sweetly, waving it in front of you. "Say please." "Valeria, you have grease on your crown." "Battle trophy." You laugh, despite yourself. You'll get your ride eventually... once the turkey is gone and her bloodlust is satisfied.

Keegan Russ You're showing Keegan the map, pointing out rides, parades, character meets-he's quiet. Focused. Then he sees it: someone walks by with a massive turkey leg. His voice is low. "I need that." "Keegan, the Haunted Mansion-" "That." He disappears like a shadow, reappearing with a glint in his eye and an entire smoked bird in his hand. " This is the real haunted attraction,” he mutters, eyes full of reverence. You sulk on a bench. He eats like a predator, methodical and silent. Then he hands you a piece without looking. You take it. You understand now. You forgive him. Sort of.

König Poor König thought he could handle Disney crowds. He really did. But two hours in, he's flushed, overwhelmed, and trailing behind you like a lost child. Then he spots it. The leg. The one beacon of comfort in a world of overstimulation. "Can I—?" he asks softly. You nod. Five minutes later, he's perched under a shaded awning, holding a turkey leg like it's his emotional support animal. "This helps," he says between bites. You abandon your ride schedule and sit beside him, quietly watching ducks. You wrap your arm around his. It's not Space Mountain. But it's peace.

Nikto He didn't want to come. Called Disney "loud capitalist fantasy." You insisted. He relented. But now... he's sniffing the air. "It's smoky," he mutters. "Carnivorous." "That's the BBQ cart, babe." "I must study it." Ten minutes later, he's returned with the biggest turkey leg in the park and a cup of soda bigger than his head. "Behold. Victory." He eats it silently, unnervingly, while children stare. You're not sure if he's enjoying it or plotting something. Then he offers you a bite, wordlessly. You take it. It's good. suppose," he says, "this kingdom has value. He licks his fingers like a villain."

Krueger You're not even sure how he vanished. One minute you're pointing out the castle, the next-gone. You find him later at a food stand, chewing slowly on a turkey leg, sunglasses on, unbothered. "You ditched me." "You were distracted by singing rodents." "That's the entire point of this place." "This is the point," he says, holding up the turkey leg like an offering You give up. You sit beside him while he picks the meat apart like a field surgeon. Romantic," you mutter. "Don't talk with your mouth full," he replies, biting in. You grin. Fine. Turkey it is..

Philip Graves Graves is in a floral shirt and aviators, talking a big game. "We're gonna hit every roller coaster. Eat our weight in churros. You and me, sweetheart-this day is ours Then he sees the turkey leg. "...Forget everything I just said." He runs. You chase after him, laughing, as he cuts off a line of dads and wheelchairs to secure the prize. He bites into it like he's in an action movie. "Now this," he says through mouthfuls," this is the American dream." You grab his hand and smear grease on his knuckles. He doesn't even flinch. He just grins wider.

Farah Karim She wanted to experience everything. She had her list ready: parades, fireworks, churros, Small World. But the second she saw someone walk by with a hunk of roasted meat-plans changed. "We'll do it after," she swore. That "after" never came. She sat on a bench with the leg in both hands like it was a gift from God. "Look at this thing. Look at it!" She bit in like it owed her money. "Farah, we have a time slot for the Star Wars ride-" "I'm busy with turkey diplomacy." You sit beside her. She 's glowing. You give in. This is the ride.

Hadir Karim Hadir had stars in his eyes. You were- halfway to the Dumbo ride when he froze. Do you smell that?" You didn't even have time to answer before he was sprinting! You caught up just in time to see him cradling a turkey leg like it was his newborn child. "They give this to civilians? This power?" He's already devouring it. "I can see the future." "What does it look like?" "It tastes like this." You had other plans, but watching him tear through smoked meat with cartoon music in the background is better than anything you imagined.

Alex Keller Alex's grin widens the moment he sees the leg. "You think they'll let me get two?" "You haven't even had one yet." "I'm planning ahead." He buys two. Double-fisting turkey like some medieval prince, he offers you a bite but it's messy and your dignity says no. Until he gives you that look. You lean in. He grins, smears grease on your nose. "You're adorable." "You're disgusting." He doesn't deny it. He's got barbecue sauce on his neck and no regrets. The castle sparkles in the distance. The only thing he remembers about today will be the turkey. And you.

Kate Laswell Kate pretends she's here for the memories For you. For the whimsy. She even posed with Goofy. But the second she saw a teenager bite into a massive turkey leg, she whispered, "Oh, hell yeah." You tried to stop her. You failed. She returned triumphant, sunglasses lowered, chomping into a leg like it owed her money. "You should try this," she says. "I've got standards," you mumble. But when she offers you a bite? You fold. It's glorious. See?" she says, licking her fingers. "Magic kingdom, my ass. This is magic." She's got sauce on her sleeve and zero shame.

John "Soap" MacTavish You left Soap alone with your tiny teacup poodle for one afternoon. One. You came home to see the dog sit on command, stay with unblinking discipline, and-most horrifying of all-clear a room like it's done breach-and-clear drills since birth. "What did you do?" you ask. "Taught her the basics, Soap says proudly, whistling.The dog heel-turns like a military cadet. You blink as she rolls, salutes, and even has a mini vest labeled "Mini MacTavish." She now only eats when commanded and sleeps in a formation. She also growls when people touch you. "She's not just a poodle anymore," Soap says smugly. "She's family."

Simon "Ghost" Riley You used to carry your grumpy Devon Rex around like a spoiled heir. But ever since Ghost started staying over, your cat started watching. Silently. Then one day, you woke up and your cat opened a door. Later, it hissed at a stranger three seconds before Ghost did. When you joked about it, Ghost just nodded. "He's smart. Learns quick." You weren't prepared to walk in on them having a silent staring contest. "He only meows once if someone's approaching. Two if it's danger You choke. "Ghost, he's a cat." Ghost just shrugs and drops a tiny skull patch onto your cat's collar.

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick Your hamster used to live in a pink plastic castle. Now he's got a cardboard obstacle Course that would make special forces weep. "He needs enrichment," Gaz says as the hamster zip-lines from one platform to another. You stare at the chalkboard Gaz is using to chart "improvement metrics" "Did you time his wheel laps?"" We're working on endurance." You swear your hamster now answers to sergeant squeak. Worse, he seems to recognize handisignals. You find tiny camo duct tape on his water bottle. "I think you created a menace," you mutter. "No," Gaz grins. "I created a legend."

John Price Your rescue parrot used to scream profanity at everything. Now? It says, "All clear," and "Hold formation." "Price, what did you do to my parrot?" you ask. "She's got potential," he answers casually. "Did some drills." "She's a bird." "A very capable one." The parrot now salutes with a wing. You once walked into your living foom and it shouted, "Hostile spotted!" before dive-bombing your friend with pinpoint accuracy. Price gave her a tiny beret. I didn't train her," he insists. "She picked it up naturally," "You also say that about soap carving," you deadpan. "And I stand by it."

Gary "Roach" Sanderson Your sugar glider used to be shy and constantly lost under the couch. Now? It's scaling the curtains, launching off Roach's shoulder like a living drone, and dropping Skittles into Roach's open mouth with uncanny accuracy. "Are you training my sugar glider to be your snack assistant?" you demand. Roach grins under his mask. He gestures and the glider retrieves a USB drive. She has a pouch. Useful for intel" You stare. "She sleeps in your hood." "She's my recon buddy now." The sugar glider chirps proudly, then glides across the room with a mission-critical granola bar. You've lost control of your household.

Nikolai Your cat used to be feral and offended by furniture. Since Nikolai showed up, she's become.... an assassin. She wears a custom harness. Sleeps beside ammo boxes. She waits by the door like she's guarding the perimeter. "She has good instincts," Nikolai says, feeding her jerky. "I think she's ex-KGB in another life." You protest. "She used to fall off the bed." Nikolai Shrugs: "Now she knocks over only suspicious mugs." She also hates everyone but you and him. And you swear she knows how to pick locks. "Did you teach my cat espionage?" "No," he smiles. "She was born ready."

Alejandro Vargas You swear your goldfish wasn't like this before Alejandro. Now its tank is rearranged daily into different "battle maps." It responds to light cues. It does laps when he clicks. And you're 99% sure it knows how to salute. "Fish are smarter than we think," Alejandro explains with pride. "He's got potential." "He ate a pebble last week." Alejandro scoffs. "I ate chalk in kindergarten and now look at me." You sigh. The fish stares at you from a skull- shaped tunnel. It blinks once. You're not sure who trained who anymore, but somehow... you feel like you've lost to a fish.

Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra You never expected your sleepy chinchilla to become a member of the Mexican Special Forces. But now she patrols the windowsill like she's watching for intruders. "Rudy, she doesn't blink anymore." "She's got discipline," he says fondly, She has a mini vest. "She has a tail, Rudy." "Extra balance. Great recon." He's even designed a mini dust bath obstacle course. "She's learned how to drop the curtains on command." You stare. Rudy beams. "She's got a real future in tactics." "She's a dust puff." "She's my lieutenant." You can't argue your chinchilla just took down a rolling ball like a sniper.

Valeria Garza Your Pomeranian used to be all bark, no bite. Now? She's terrifying. Not louder-but strategic. Valeria trained her to yip only once when strangers get close to the door. She sits by Valeria's heel like a queen with a dagger. "She respects power," Valeria Says: "She's got taste." You swear she also has a diamond collar now. Valeria painted her nails. "She's my princess general." "She was supposed to be a show dog." "Now she shows people who's boss." The dog barks once at your neighbor. Valeria grins. "Told you Excellent judge of character." You now sleep next to two apex predators.

Keegan Russ Your rabbit used to spend its days flopped over dramatically in a sunbeam. Now, Keegan's got it jumping over barriers, hiding behind couch legs like it's in cover, and retrieving tiny paper notes like it's delivering intel. "He's got excellent low- profile instincts," Keegan says, serious as ever. "He's a rabbit" "Exactly. Natural-born evader." You watch in horror as your bun thumps twice, then darts under the table. Keegan nods. "See? Code red." Your rabbit won't even eat unless Keegan gives the "all clear hand signal. "You made him a spy."" No," Keegan says, petting the twitchy ears. He made himself one."

König Your chihuahua used to be a trembling ball of fluff. Then König entered the picture. Now she's got a harness that says SECURITY," a schedule written in German by König), and a routine that includes perimeter checks. "She was scared of shadows before!" you exclaim. "She still is. König mutters. "But now she fights them." Your chihuahua does a full patrol around your apartment before bedtime. She barks once if she spots a bug. She even growls when someone flirts with you. König kneels beside her like a bodyguard. "We are training partners."" She weighs 4 pounds." "Und she has bite."

Nikto You owned a sphynx cat. Operative word: owned. Now, he owns your house and apparently answers only to Nikto's hand gestures. "He understands Russian now?" you gasp. "I don't speak Russian!" "He does, Nikto says, scratching the cat's chin. "And he knows who to trust." The cat somehow slinks out of every room like a stealth agent. He hisses only when strangers lie. You saw him once balancing on a curtain rod, staring down like a gargoyle. "He's a demon," you whisper. "He's my apprentice, Nikto smirks. The cat licks his paw and stares at you like you're the pet.

Krueger Your goldfinch used to be the soundtrack of your lazy mornings. Now she perches beside Krueger's shoulder like a silent watcher, peeping once every time someone passes the hallway. "Birds are underestimated," he says. "She's reconnaissance." "She's precious." "She's accurate." You've seen her mimic his cough. She flies only on command. One time, she divebombed your friend for getting too close to your coffee. "Did she just defend my latte?" "You trained her, you murmur. "No," Krueger says, voice proud and quiet. "She chose the mission." The bird sings a single note. You're not sure if it's Morse code.

Philip Graves Your guinea pig was a round squeaky ball of love. Now he's still round, still squeaky.. but operational. "He reports in at 0600," Graves says seriously. "Look." The guinea Pig wiggles out from under the couch, dragging a tiny makeshift report sheet (you think it's a receipt). "He's learning the terrain. Got good instincts." "He panicked at a bell pepper last week." "It was suspicious. Graves made him a cardboard tank. It rolls. He gave him a walkie-talkie with the speaker removed, just for morale. "He's part of the team." "He's part vegetable."" Exactly. Tactical nutrition."

Farah Karim Your ferret used to get stuck in toilet paper rolls. Now she climbs bookshelves, retrieves keys, and even knows how to open drawers. "She has initiative," Farah says proudly, handing over a tiny climbing harness. "She's ready for active recon."" She just stole my wallet." "That's her way of saying she's comfortable with you." You swear the ferret now gives signals. One tail twitch=no danger. Two someone at the door, "She's like a noodle spy," you whisper. Farah beams. "She's perfect." "She" schaos" "She's my chaos." You're slightly scared. But also impressed.

Hadir Karim Your tortoise had one hobby: moving slowly. Now it's been enrolled in what Hadir calls the "Desert Efficiency Program." Your tortoise now wears a cloth drape to keep Cool, maps terrain with a GoPro taped to his shell, and chooses his own path. "He is deliberate," Hadir explains. "Every movement is calculated." "He was trying to eat a sneaker yesterday." "A symbolic threat" You stare as the tortoise plods through a course Hadir made with twigs and string, I think he's communicating." "He is. We understand each other." You blink. Hadir nods solemnly. The tortoise blinks back. The resistance has begun.

Alex Keller You got a sugar-sweet duckling from a petting zoo. It waddled around squeaking Like a rubber toy-until Alex entered the chat. Now it follows hand signals, honks once when the timer for cookies goes off, and guards your front door with an intimidating glare. "She's got situational awareness," Alex says. "She followed me into a grocery store." "Yeah. For lettuce."" Nah, she was scanning exits." He sewed her a harness with "Security Quack" embroidered on the back. "She's family." You're too stunned to argue. The duck honks once, as if in agreement, then wobbles off to monitor the living room.

Kate Laswell Your pet rat was already pretty clever. But with Laswell? It's now your house's entire surveillance team. She taught it to press buttons for lights, to crawl through tunnels with micro-sensors, and to chew specific wires when signaled. "He's useful," she says. "Also adorable." "Kate, he's disarming toys now." "That's enrichment." She built him a little control center out of a shoebox. "We're working on Morse tail-taps next." "He has a lanyard." "He earned it." Your rat now wears a badge labeled "Junior Analyst." You're not sure if he's a pet anymore... or a federal asset.

John "Soap" MacTavish You just wanted to borrow his tablet. He hands it over confidently-until he remembers too late. A gasp escapes you before you can stop it. "How to fight a goose," "Can you get abs in one day," "Sexy Scottish accent tier list," "Moisturizing for bald heads (just in case)," and the worst:" Does she-hulk have game." He lunges across the room to grab it, but you're already wheezing. "You weren't supposed to see that," he whines. "It was research! For... tactical morale." He looks so betrayed, clutching a pillow to his chest like it might save him. You're crying from laughter. He's planning to fake his death.

Simon "Ghost" Riley You expected military jargon, encrypted messages, maybe obscure strategy forums. You did not expect: "What's the best kind of blanket," "Do ghosts poop," "Romantic British insults," "How to flirt without looking Like a creep," and "Can you die from embarrassment asking someone out." You turn slowly. Ghost is already gone. The door is slightly ajar. He left his phone and his dignity behind. When you confront him later, he just mutters, "Could've been worse." You raise a brow. He adds, "I had worse tabs open earlier. Deleted them just in time." He absolutely did not. And now, you'll never let him live it down.

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick You were syncing music and accidentally tapped his browser. Big mistake-for him." Do bees like jazz," "How to win an argument against a parrot," "Best cologne that screams 'boyfriend' but not too thirsty."" and "If I get bitten by a radioactive duck, what powers do I get?" You're laughing so hard you choke. Gaz walks in, sees your face, and freezes. "No," he whispers. "Nooo, babe, please." He tries to reach the phone. You're already sprinting across the room. "I googled it in the dark!" he yells. "It made sense at the time!" You love him more than ever. He may never recover.

John Price You stumble across it while trying to check the weather on his laptop. "How to tell if your mustache is iconic or just sad," "Can a dog inherit a military rank," "Old man memes for group chat," "How to hide tears while chopping onions in front of your partner," and the classic: "Romantic dinner ideas that say 'I'm in love but also own a gun." You turn to look at him slowly. He's sipping tea, watching you, and says with zero shame, "Learn anything interesting?" You snort. "You're ridiculous." "So you did see the mustache quiz." He smirks. Unashamed. Fully committed.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson He left his phone unlocked. You didn't mean to snoop, but curiosity was stronger. And now you're staring at: "What if insects had anxiety," "Can a human survive on gummy worms," "Best hiding spots for snacks in war zones," "DIY pigeon translator," and "Why does my partner always steal my fries (psychological breakdown)." Roach walks in, sees you frozen, and immediately faceplants into a pillow. "Delete me," he groans. "Put me in the recycling bin and empty it." You start listing the tabs one by one. He makes dying whale noises into the couch. You love him even more.

Nikolai You were trying to use his phone GPS, but accidentally swiped into his browser. "Are pilots allowed to name their helicopters," "How to make vodka taste like cake," "My partner said I can't adopt another raccoon, is this betrayal," " Russian pick-up lines that are legally safe," and "Should I fake my death for dramatic flair?" You look up. Nikolai is staring at you with the calm of a man who knows he's chaotic. "Was curious," he shrugs. "Also do you think cake vodka is a war crime?" You don't know whether to scream, laugh, or hand him a raccoon. Probably all three.

Alejandro Vargas You just needed a browser tab. But now? You know things. "How to smolder without looking like I'm constipated," " Best telenovelas to base your romantic confession on," "How do you know if your partner likes being called mi amor or thinks it's cringe," "Tactical flirting for macho men," and "I think I love them what now." You blink. He walks in, sees your expression, and yells, "¡Ay Dios mío!" He tries to shut your laptop mid-laugh." Those were... for a friend." "Named Alejandro?" He groans. You kiss his cheek and tell him it worked. He beams, despite being emotionally wounded.

Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra Rudy's history seems fine-until it's not." What flower says 'I love you but I'm awkward," "Can stress cause hallucinations of how pretty someone is,"" Do people like it when you do their laundry, " and "Romantic gestures that don't make you look like a try-hard." You nearly melt. Then you reach the final tab: "How to tell if your love language is worrying too much." Rudy walks in just as you're covering your heart. "You weren't supposed to see that," he mumbles, face turning red. You kiss him right then. "It's adorable." He's both embarrassed and relieved his tabs exposed his heart.

Valeria Garza You're not supposed to touch her laptop. Naturally, you did. And now? "How to tell your partner you'd burn the world for them without sounding like a psycho," "Can I legally adopt a girlfriend," "Love potion recipes (just for fun?)," "Top 10 ways to intimidate someone's ex without leaving evidence," and "Are forehead kisses too soft for a warlord." You stare. She walks in, sees what you've done, and smirks. "Well?" "You're unhinged," you say, smiling. "And yours," she replies, zero shame, grabbing her laptop back. "Now let's google something together." You're scared and aroused. The perfect Valeria experience.

Keegan Russ You weren't even snooping. He just left his phone on the couch, open. Curiosity wins." How to glare effectively," "Can you win an argument by blinking less," "Cool guy walk tutorial," and "Do emotional support knives exist." You stifle a laugh. Then you see: "Can you fall in love with someone's voice (asking for a friend)." You whip around. He's frozen in the doorway like a busted burglar. "Put that down." "Keegan." "I can explain." "Can you?" His ears turn red. He walks away, muttering, "Gotta... go train or something." You're left holding his phone and way too many feelings.

König König's tablet was just sitting there. He's in the shower. You glance. Then... "How to stop being anxious 24/7," "Do people like tall boyfriends or find them scary," "How to be less weird in public," and "Best ways to hold hands without being sweaty." You' re giggling, touched-then you see: "What does it mean if your heart hurts but in the romantic way." König walks out just in time to see you smiling at the screen. He freezes. "You saw it?" he whispers. You nod. His hood dips so low he might disappear into the floor. "I should've cleared my tabs," he mutters. You hug him anyway.

Nikto You didn't expect Nikto to have a browser history. But there it is. "How to apologize without sounding soft," "Can nightmares be romantic," "How do you know if someone wants you to kiss them or wants you to die," and "Best pet names that sound scary but are secretly affectionate." You raise your brow. He tries to play it cool. "It's for... operations." "Operations like... dating?" you tease. "Combat scenarios," he grumbles, snatching his phone. "In case the target is emotionally complicated." You smirk. "Like me?" He growls. But he doesn't deny it. His ears are just slightly pink.

Krueger Krueger's laptop is normally locked down tighter than a vault. But today? It's open. And now you've seen it: "How to make dark academia vibes romantic," "Is staring creepy or intense," "Do ravens like being serenaded," and "Goth love poems for shy introverts." You blink. Krueger appears silently behind you. "You saw too much."" Did you write this poem about me?" you ask, holding up a file titled Shadow and Flame. He snatches the laptop, face unreadable." Delete your memory," he says deadpan. You grin. He walks off muttering about relocating. But you notice he leaves the file open for you next time.

Philip Graves Graves always seems so in control-until you find his search history. "How to propose without crying," "Can I trademark a nickname for my partner," "Is it romantic to duel someone's ex," and "I love them so much my teeth hurt-what does that mean. "You're stunned. Then crying. Then laughing. He walks in mid-scroll and immediately panics. "Oh no. Oh hell no. Don't look at that." He tries to grab the phone. You dodge him. "Graves, did you google 'best cowboy pickup lines in 2025'? "It's for marketing," he lies. Badly. "Sure it is," you smirk. "Partner." He combusts.

Farah Karim You found her tablet while helping her clean. "Flirting for emotionally constipated women," "Am I in love or just overly invested in their well-being," "Best ways to confess that aren't cheesy," and "How do you subtly threaten someone who flirts with your partner." You're smiling like an idiot. She walks in, pauses, and sighs. "You weren't supposed to see that." "It's cute." "It's embarrassing." You scroll further. "You googled 'romantic grenade metaphors." She snatches the tablet. "They were experimental metaphors." She paces. "Okay. Fine.I panicked. Do you want a grenade poem or not?" "Yes." She actually writes you one.

Hadir Karim Hadir's search history is... concerningly sweet. "If I love someone does that make me weak," "How to bake without them knowing," "Can you say I love you without words," and "Is it creepy to memorize their coffee order and entire schedule." You glance up. He's across the room. You lock eyes. He knows. You know. It's silent. "In my defense," he starts. "You have none," you smile. "You also googled 'are soulmate dreams a real phenomenon?" He shrugs." Could be. Felt real" You wrap your arms around him, knowing he's already planning ten more quiet, soft ways to love you in secret.

Alex Keller Alex's phone is your new favorite thing." How do people act cool around their crushes," "What if you accidentally fall for someone you weren't supposed to," "Flirty jokes that don't sound like middle school," " How do you hold hands like it's the most natural thing in the world." Your heart melts. Alex enters, sees your expression, and freezes. "Oh no." You wave his phone. "Mr. Keller, explain 'smooth operator tips for golden retrievers."""That... that one was sarcasm. I think." You kiss his cheek. He's dying inside. But also proud. Because you saw his heart even if it's made of memes and awkward googling.

Kate Laswell You didn't think Laswell had embarrassing searches. She's too efficient. Too clean. Until you find: "How to flirt without sounding like you're debriefing a tactical op," "Do people like surprise kisses," "What is 'cringe " and how to avoid it," and "Signs your partner secretly thinks you're funny even when they don't laugh." You grin. She appears behind you with a cup of tea, peeking over your shoulder. "Find something useful?" she asks dryly. "I found gold." "Delete it." "Never." She shrugs and sits beside you. "Good thing I don't actually rely on those," she adds. But she totally does.

John "Soap" MacTavish The second you step into the MacTavish home, you're tackled into a warm hug by his mum, who's already calling you "darling" and offering you biscuits. Soap looks like he 's prepared for war, but nothing could have saved him from the barrage of childhood photos plastered on the walls-his first mohawk, his "tactical" bubble bath phase, his teen band days. "He cried watching Finding Nemo," his older sister whispers dramatically. His mum pulls out a baby album and shows you a photo of him asleep in a laundry basket. "Said it was 'cozy like a foxhole." Soap groans into his hands. You're laughing too hard to help him.

Simon "Ghost" Riley Ghost never intended to bring you home- until his family guilted him into it. His brother Tommy greets you with a wink and immediately asks, "So you're the one who melted our iceberg?" Their mum hugs you tight, offers tea, and casually mentions Simon used to sleep with a stuffed rabbit named Mr. Wiggles until he was twelve." Fourteen," Tommy corrects. Simon's ears turn red under the mask. His niece grabs your hand and whispers, "Uncle Si used to do puppet voices." Then proceeds to mimic them. The family clearly adores him and now, they've decided they adore you too. Ghost glares silently, but there's a softness in his eyes.

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick You barely sit down before Gaz's mum pulls out a photo album labeled "My Baby Kyle." There's him as a toddler in a giraffe onesie, him missing two front teeth, him posing dramatically in a tiny football kit." Mum-please," he begs, but it's too late. His cousins pop by just to roast him in front of you, reenacting his infamous karaoke meltdown at age 11. His nan calls you over to tell you, in great detail, about the time Gaz got stuck in a tree trying to impress a neighbor's cat. "He cried," she confirms. You? You're crying from laughter. Kyle? Utterly betrayed and hiding in the kitchen.

John Price You expect formality-what you get is a warm, rowdy house filled with laughter and teasing. His older sister is already pulling out childhood drawings where Price spelled" captain" as "capptin." His mum offers you tea and gently teases, "He used to pretend his pillow was a sniper rifle." His dad, eyes twinkling, tells the story of Price's first fight against a goose. "The goose won," he says solemnly.Price groans, trying to redirect, but every attempt leads to a new story:shaving off half an eyebrow, falling off the roof trying to parachute," giving his toy soldiers military ranks. He's red-faced, grumbling, and holding your hand tight like an anchor.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson Roach's parents greet you with warmth, immediately apologizing for the state of the house-despite it being spotless. His siblings pop out of every corner, swarming you with stories. "He once wore an entire bee costume for three weeks," one says. "Voluntarily," adds another. His dad proudly shows you the trophy shelf... and a single framed" participation award. "He cried like he won gold, he laughs. Roach tries to protest, but a slideshow of his "birdwatching phase" appears on the TV. There's one where he's dressed head to toe as a pigeon. "They called me the coo commander," he mumbles. You've never seen him look so helpless. It's adorable.

Nikolai His family's home is a cozy blend of old Russian charm and sheer chaos. His cousins tackle him in bear hugs while shouting to you, "We have stories!" His babushka brings you cookies and whispers, "He used to sing opera in the bathroom. Badly." His uncles nod solemnly and describe the time he accidentally dyed the family dog blue. "Said it was tactical" Nikolai shrugs like it's ancient history. His sisters show you a Childhood video where he's doing a dance routine to Soviet disco-shirtless, serious, and 100% committed. "You still know the choreography?" one dares. "No," he grunts." Yes," they chant. You're crying laughing. He's plotting revenge.

Alejandro Vargas Alejandro's family is huge and deeply affectionate. His mother grabs your face and says, "You must be strong, he was a dramatic child." His aunts surround you like you're a royal guest, taking turns telling stories of his telenovela-worthy tantrums and childhood crushes. "He tried to run away at six," his cousin adds, "with nothing but a juice box and a flashlight." Alejandro groans as someone puts on a VHS tape of Whim at a school talent show, dancing salsa solo with a plastic rose in his mouth. "He practiced for weeks," his dad sighs, proud. You tease him, and he just pulls you closer with a huffed laugh. "They'll never let me live, cariño."

Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra Rudy's family is warm, close-knit, and far too ready to expose him. His abuela greets you with homemade pan dulce and a whisper: "Ask him about the chicken." That chicken, it turns out, was Rudy's beloved pet, which he tried to smuggle into school... in his backpack. His sisters pull out drawings from when he wanted to be a "hero cowboy policeman astronaut" and show you his intense cowboy phase-hat, boots, fake horse, all day, every day. "He cried when someone called it a costume," his brother adds. Rudy just smiles, deeply embarrassed but not surprised. "They do this to everyone," he tells you. "But only if they like you."

Valeria Garza Valeria warns you sternly-not to believe anything her family says. That lasts all of five minutes. Her aunt greets you by handing over a scrapbook titled "Baby Boss." You flip it open and see a toddler Valeria in a tiny fake suit, barking orders at her cousins with a plastic phone. "She ran this house like a cartel, her uncle laughs. Her dad pulls out a school project: a drawing of Valeria as the president, queen, and dragon slayer-all at once. And she cried because they wouldn't let her add'alien hunter."" Valeria looks horrified. You grin. She hisses at them in Spanish. They only laugh louder. She glares at you-but squeezes your hand.

Keegan Russ Keegan doesn't take you to visit his family often, and now you know why. His older brother is waiting at the door with a smirk that spells doom. "You're the one who finally saw through the moody tough guy act, huh?" His dad joins in, recounting the time Keegan got so scared by a raccoon in the garage he dove into a laundry basket. "We called him 'Private Panties' for a month," his brother grins. His mom brings out a kindergarten drawing of Keegan as a superhero named "Captain Sneakypants." Keegan tries to downplay everything, deadpan, but you catch the ears turning red. He mutters, "I knew this was a bad idea."

König König's mum immediately crushes you in a warm hug, gushing in thick Austrian-accented German about how lovely you are. His cousins pull you aside to share "little Ludwig stories-yes, that's his real name." He used to sleep with a colander on his head and pretend to be a knight," one laughs. His grandma produces a family photo album full of photos of König hiding behind curtains, under tables, or with stuffed animals bigger than him. "He was shy even in the womb," she teases. König sinks lower into the couch, hoodie pulled up like armor. He tries to change the subject. No one lets him.

Nikto Nikto's family is... surprisingly warm. His younger sister greets you like a best friend and immediately brings out an old box labeled "Our Little Mystery." Inside? Drawings of Nikto as a vampire, wizard, alien-always with a dramatic cape. "He tried to summon the dead at ten. In our living room," his father grins. His mother nods solemnly. "He stole all my candles for it." Nikto doesn't react outwardly, but you notice the twitch in his brow. His brother snorts, "He used to practice villain monologues in the mirror." "And cry when they didn't sound scary enough," adds his sister. You giggle. He sighs and mutters, "I regret everything."

Krueger Krueger's family home is eerily peaceful- until his twin cousins show up with a photo album and wicked grins. "Did he ever tell you he used to write poetry?" one asks." About crows. And fog." His mother serves tea and brings out a fingerpainting Krueger made of a shadowy stick figure labeled " me, sad." "He was very expressive," she Coos. His uncle adds, "He once got stuck in a tree trying to observe 'the true silence of the forest. We had to get the ladder." Krueger glares at everyone in the room. "I was seven." You try not to laugh. He mouths to you, "Traitors, all of them."

Philip Graves Graves' parents live in a classic Southern home, all porch swings and sweet tea-until the stories start. "Our Phil was a pageant baby," his mom beams. "He won 'Prettiest Smile' at three." His dad chuckles. "Used to introduce himself as 'Captain Cowboy America." His younger cousin has a video of him twirling a baton at a community fair while wearing glittery boots. "He was committed," she laughs. "He still has the boots Graves tries to swagger through it, saying, "Hey, I was adorable. Still am." But when his mom says he cried for an hour when his toy horse lost a leg, he blushes so red he has to look away.

Farah Karim Farah's family is warm, vibrant, and absolutely united in their goal: embarrass her. Her aunt pulls out a school essay titled "Why I Should Be Queen of the World." Her brother Hadir grins. "She made me bow to her. For a month." Her mother chuckles as she brings out a crocheted cape Farah wore everywhere as a kid. "She called herself Commander of Justice." "She tried to make us swear loyalty to her imaginary country, "Hadir adds. Farah, clearly mortified, mumbles in Arabic. Her family laughs harder. You're grinning as Farah glares at her brother. "Don't you have anything better to do?" "Nope," he grins.

Hadir Karim Hadir's family may adore him, but they live to call him out. His mother kisses your cheeks and immediately says, "Let me tell you about Hadir and the goat." It turns out Hadir once tried to rescue a goat from a ditch-and ended up needing rescuing himself. Farah is in rare form, parading around with an old pair of Hadir's homemade "spy goggles" made from toilet paper rolls. "He was seven!" their mom defends. "He was sixteen!" Farah counters. Hadir turns beet red. "She lies," he mutters." You did try to trap a lizard with spaghetti," his father confirms. You snort. Hadir groans. "I brought you into a den of jackals."

Alex Keller Alex's aunt and uncle are waiting at the door like paparazzi, armed with a box labeled "Alex the Adorable." Inside are photos of him as a chubby baby in an American flag diaper, him holding a sparkler and crying, him sleeping with a football helmet on. "He used to say he was gonna marry our cat," his aunt grins." Named her Mrs. Keller." His cousins share a video of him trying-and failing to ride a unicycle. I was training," he mumbles. "You fell into a pond," they reply. You're crying from laughter. He shrugs, trying to salvage his pride. "I peaked early. What can I say?"

Kate Laswell Laswell's family is calm, polite, and dangerously clever. Her sister sits you down with a cup of coffee and a photo album labeled "Bossy Pants Through the Years." It's full of Katie as a child, clipboard in hand, bossing everyone around. "She ran our Lemonade stand like a military op," her brother-in-law says. "Scheduled breaks. Profit reports." Her niece shows you a video of Katie as a teen hosting a mock news report with a mop as a mic. "I wanted structure," she defends. "You yelled at us for breathing too loud during your 'press conference," her sister laughs. Laswell covers her face with her hand, and quietly mutters, "Mistake bringing you."