*insert witty phrase*

they’re right

when i was in elementary school, i thought that the reason we were supposed to capitalize the first letter of people’s names was as a sign of respect, so i always refused to capitalize the name of my fourth grade teacher or george bush, because i did not respect them

lower case (derogatory)

Sorry for who-posting in the year 2019 but the Doctor is actually so named because he wrote and successfully defended a dissertation at an accredited university whereas the Master completed a 2-year graduate program in his chosen field, which points to the existence of a third less-advanced and less-specialized counterpart, the Bachelor

The Bachelor is never seen in the show because he’s still living with his parents on Gallifrey, listlessly applying for jobs and stress-eating

I thought the bachelor was being fought over by 12 women in a big house

galaxy brain:  The Bachelor Tv show has featured the same man for every season but he regenerates like the doctor

The 1971 Gene Wilder film is objectively the best Charlie and the Chocolate Factory adaptation because all subsequent media has tried to make Willy Wonka relatable, or at least warped in a fun and sympathetic sort of way, but Gene Wilder stared the source material in the face and said: "No, there's something deeply and dangerously wrong with this man. I'll have done my job correctly if you look up at the screen and see nothing human behind those eyes."

He was playing a billionaire and he knew what that meant.

dude seeing these Mega high quality images of the surface of mars that we now have has me fucked up. Like. Mars is a place. mars is a real actual place where one could hypothetically stand. It is a physical place in the universe. ITS JUST OUT THERE LOOKING LIKE UH IDK A REGULAR OLD DESERT WITH LOTS OF ROCKS BUT ITS A WHOLE OTHER PLANET? 

#venus has a low render distance

This post just got extremely funny

terrifying and incomprehensible to the human mind?

be not afraid

This might be the worst offer I've ever received but it would take all of my strength to not accept.

werewolf boyfriend simulator

you will not see the gates of heaven

So, the Onion just gave up on satire altogether, is what we’re saying. Can’t say I blame it.

a singular scuit. just one. 

an edible cracker with just one side. mathematically impossible and yet here I am monching on it.

when brittish colonists settled in the americas they no longer had to preserve biscuits for storage or sea voyages so instead baked them once and left them soft, often with buttermilk or whey to convert cheap staples/byproducts into filling items to bulk out the meal to make a small amount of greasy meat feed a whole family. considering hardtack biscuits were typically eaten by dipping them in grease or gravy untill they became soft enough to eat without breaking a tooth this was a pretty short leap of ‘just dont make them rock hard if im not baking for the army’ but didnt drop the name because its been used for centuries and people forgot its french for ‘twice baked’ back in the tudor era, biscuit was just a lump of cooked dough that wasnt leavened bread as far as they cared thus the buttermilk biscuit and the hardtack biscuit existed at the same time. ‘cookies’ then came to america via german and dutch immigrants as tiny cakes made with butter, sugar/molasses, and eggs before ‘tea biscuits’ as england knew them due to the new availability of cheap sugar- which is why ‘biscuit’ and ‘cookie’ are separate items in america but the same item in the UK the evolution of the biscuit has forks on its family tree