Awesome Wordiness

Do you remember that day we - yeah I don’t even have to explain. You must remember it. The day we broke up. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up a bit. I know I was the one who broke up with you. I know you were taken by surprise, and I know I took your heart and smashed it in tiny pieces. With your favourite guitar. I know how you felt afterwards. I know how your friends worried about you and how they blamed me for crushing your spirit. I am to blame, and we both know it.

But I never told you how I felt afterwards. I thought you should know. First I thought I had done the right thing. I was sure of it. That changed real quick. I missed your messages, your jokes, your laugh. I even missed stumbling over your shoes. It took me a while to realise that I didn’t just “miss the comfort of being in a relationship”, but that I actually missed you. You, my best friend. My dictionary. My definition and my plot line.

I won’t get into all of that right now, because there is something else I find more important right now. It’s you. It will always be you. And later today, in just a couple of hours, I will tell the whole wide world that it will be you until the day I die. I will give you my hand, my heart and every single one of my quirks. I will give you myself. After that awful day I broke up with you, we got back together. Even if no one believed we would, we made it. We made it and we are going to get married. Tied together forever. I used to be terrified of that idea, but now I’ve never been more excited to start something new. A lifetime of stumbling over your shoes. A lifetime of having to deal with your insecurity. A lifetime of you. I can’t wait.

Sunshine, I want you to know that I wasn’t okay when we were apart. But we are okay now. We are more than okay and all my dreams have come true. Even my nightmares have turned into something beautiful. You did that and I can’t thank you enough.

You won’t be reading this, ever, I know. But they say writing is therapeutical. They say writing makes it easier to cope, and I thought maybe I should try. I’m not sure what to write about. They said to list the things that are going through my head right now. But that’s easy, I just think about you.

I think about the way you tucked your phone under your ear when calling and cooking at the same time. I think about how you spent all day figuring out the Rubix Cube (and eventually cheating). About your particular love of zooming sounds and your unremarkable love of a creek in the mountains. I think about what I would have said to you if I had known you would go. I still don’t have an answer. I’m still speechless.

You left, baby. You left and I don’t know why. Won’t you explain? Won’t you just yell at me and say you hate me? Won’t you let me have a goodbye? I feel like a loose end, only tied down at one side and the wind is driving me crazy. I feel like I’m getting lost. Anchor me. Just once more. I promise I can do it without you after you help me just once more.

Everything can be turned into art, every sigh and every hesitating shrug, every broken heart and healed scar, every push, pull, and every hug.