Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Pairing: Eddie Diaz/Evan Buckley
Summary: Buck is a nervous flyer, Eddie receives a love confession in a voicemail, and Chris just wants his dad to be okay.
Warnings: presumed dead (for like an hour but Eddie goes through it)
-
Buck hated planes.
There was a reason he had driven all around America when he was finding himself - and no, it wasn’t just because he loved the Jeep more than life at that point.
Statistically he knew that planes were safer than cars (fatal plane crashes clocked with a rare likelihood of 1 in 11 million), and since working as a fireman he had seen so many fender-benders that he had no illusions of car safety.
Despite all of that, something deep within him shuddered at the thought of air travel.
To be locked into a metal tube that was soaring through the air at crazy speeds, shoved in like sardines with strangers for hours on hours of cramped travel? Not appealing.
Still, his friend had invited him to his wedding in Florida, which was over a 37hour drive away, and Buck could only manage to get 3 days off.
He was going to send his excuses along with a nice gift, but Bobby had said he should go, Hen had made a joke about Buck having no friends outside of the 118, and Eddie -
Eddie had just raised an eyebrow at him, told him which suit to take with him and that was that. Buck could never say no to Eddie.
Which is how he found himself sat on a plane home, legs uncomfortably tucked in front of him, still slightly hungover with only an hour left until landing.
Buck liked his statistics. He liked his facts. He found comfort in knowing as much as he could about worst-case scenarios, but as he watched an anxious-looking flight attendant say something that looked a lot like ‘hydraulic failure’ he cursed every internet spiral he had ever had.
He was going to die on this fucking plane.
-
The voicemail appeared seemingly out of nowhere.
Eddie frowned down at his phone with contempt, muttering something unintelligible about technology sucking.
He would deny the pout that pulled at his lips after realising he’d missed Buck’s phone call. It had been 3 days and he missed his best friend. Sue him.
At first he tried redialling, but after 2 failed attempts to connect he tapped into his voicemail instead.
“Eds… I don’t - I don’t think I have service right now. I don’t even know if this will send.” Something about Buck’s tone sent ice through Eddie’s veins. “I don’t even know why I’m doing this - I - this is dumb. I just -“
There was scuffling, and Eddie could imagine Buck fidgeting in his seat, hunching over to make himself smaller as he spoke into his phone as clearly as possible in a quiet tone.
“I - it’s just… The other day Christopher complained that I hadn’t made pancakes in the morning for a while because I haven’t been over as much, which is stupid when I think about it because there’s nowhere I would rather be. But we’ve been weird. I’ve been weird. I’ve been avoiding your house because every time I’m there it’s so clear just how much I can’t have what I want.”
Eddie frowned, unsure of where Buck was going with this. He had never wanted the man to move out of the house, but Buck had got it into his head that he had to leave, and that had been that.
There was no way Eddie could get him to stay, not without begging or confessing to something that he hadn’t even been able to say aloud to himself yet, so Buck had left. Eddie had regretted it every day since.
“It’s like I’m punishing myself for - never mind. That’s not important. The point is I didn’t think about how that would affect Christopher. I thought he didn’t need me anymore and I… Eddie I want to make pancakes in your house for the rest of my life. I wanna make them for - for dinner. ‘Cos why not! If it makes you and Chris smile I’d make them all the time, for every meal -“
A woman shouted somewhere around Buck, and Eddie’s knees weakened as for the first time he realised this was sent on the plane.
Buck wouldn’t call for no reason on a plane.
“I - fuck - my happy place is watching TV with you on the couch, a-and when I’m ill or hurt - because my luck is historically shit - I dream of us watching it cuddled up in bed instead. As long as I’m with you, I’m happy, because - because I love you.”
Eddie fell to the couch, breath stuttering in his chest as he listened to Buck’s increasingly frenzied speech.
“I am so in love with you. I - it’s actually ridiculous how insanely in love with you I am. I have been for years - for so long Eds. Maddie said,” he broke off with a wet laugh, “She said i’m pathetically head-over-heels.”
There was a pause, long enough for Eddie to hear the panicked voices of those around Buck as the chime of the PA system cut through the chatter.
Buck let out a shaky breath, shuffling the phone closer to his mouth and continuing to speak in a low tone.
“Tell Christopher that I love him, and that I’m really sorry to be leaving him this way. Tell him that if I had a choice I would come home to him. To both of you. Every time. Every-“ Buck’s voice cracked, thickening with tears, “Every time Eddie. He’s my - my kid. In every way that matters, he’s my kid and I’m so sorry I was never brave enough to say that to his face.”
He was going to be sick. Eddie was honest-to-god going to be sick.
“And Maddie. Oh my god Maddie. Tell Chim that I know he’ll look after her and I can’t thank him enough for that. Tell Jee - tell her and baby Daniel that Uncle Buck loves them. I don’t think I have enough ti- Bobby, Thena, H - just, our family. Tell them I’m so sorry.”
Eddie’s free hand clawed at the flesh of his thigh, willing the sob that had been building in his chest down.
“I love you. Eddie I love y-“
The sob punched its way out of him as the end of message tone splintered the silence of the room, Eddie scrambling to save the message before it could default delete.
Once sure it was saved he froze up, phone tumbling uselessly to the floor as his brain screamed viciously at him.
He had insisted Buck go to the wedding. He had made fun of his fear of planes, had promised him he’d be safe.
He had killed Buck.
-
Buck was man enough to say that he can be dramatic at times.
Most of the time.
Almost always. He was almost always dramatic.
Still, he thinks that it’s more than valid to panic when the plane starts making funny noises. Especially when the flight attendant had mentioned a fault!
Or at least, he thought that’s what she said.
Come to think of it, he had never been very good at reading lips.
But the turbulence had been very scary, and the woman next to him had panicked, which didn’t help his panic, and before you knew it he was making a final call to Eddie revealing far too much information that he was otherwise set on taking to his grave.
Because that’s what he thought he was doing!
He was sure he was in a plane that was about to nosedive into the ground below, meaning he wouldn’t have to be around to deal with the agonising rejection he was sure would follow his confession.
Once safely on the tarmac (which he did not drop to his knees and kiss, despite how much he wanted to), Buck had checked his phone, praying to a god he didn’t believe in that the voicemail hadn’t gone through.
2 missed calls from: Eds🤠
“Shit.”
Buck fidgeted, running through multiple escape plans in his head as he waited for his luggage at bag claim.
He could move to England; change his name to Oliver and adopt a ton of dogs. He could fake the accent easily, it would be totally believable.
That would mean getting on another plane though, and he had made a promise to himself less than ten minutes ago to never step foot on one of those death traps again.
Resigned to his fate, Buck ordered an Uber to Eddie’s house, spending the entirety of the ride cursing past-Buck for parking at the Diaz residence.
It was possible that he could manage to jump in the Jeep and hide away before Eddie could make it out to stop him.
He could see the Jeep now, the Uber slowing to a stop just outside of the Diaz house.
The Diaz house that had the front door wide open.
The Diaz house from which a voice he would recognise in a choir of thousands shouted out in fear.
“Dad?”
Running away was no longer an option, bag slung over his shoulder as he sprinted towards the house, practically racing through the open door.
“Chris?”
Buck stuttered to a halt at the image before him.
Christopher was knelt by his dad’s side, eyes filled with tears. Eddie was staring catatonically at the floor.
“Buck? I don’t know what happened. George’s mum dropped me off and he was just sat here -“
“Hey, it’s ok buddy. Let me just…” Buck moved to kneel beside him, waiting for Chris to shuffle to the side slightly before reaching out and gripping at the flesh of Eddie’s shoulder. “Eddie.”
-
Time stopped having meaning.
Eddie wasn’t exactly sure how long he had sat there after his phone had fallen, and he didn’t particularly care.
Why would he, when no amount of time could bring Buck back.
He felt himself drifting, detaching from his body and floating away. Weightless. Meaningless.
The next time he was aware of his surroundings it was darker. Probably around 5pm if he was to guess.
He was distantly aware of someone by his side saying something, but everything sounded like it was underwater. He couldn’t move his head, couldn’t move his body.
All he could do was stare emptily at the phone which held Buck’s last words. How silly that a hunk of metal and wires could hold something so precious.
The voice kept speaking, light pressure touching his arm, shaking.
He knew he should do something. Move. Speak. Look at the person beside him.
It felt important for some reason, an innate tugging within him to protect, to calm, to reassure.
Looking away from the phone felt impossible, almost as if it would be admitting to himself - to the world - that Evan “Buck” Buckley was dead.
Eddie’s best friend. His support. His partner at work and in life. The man that Eddie had been desperately trying to convince himself he wasn’t in love with, but that he was now sure had been the love of his life. His fucking soulmate that he had not only let slip through his fingers, but had sent to his death.
As if mocking him, a hand he would recognise anywhere squeezed at the joint of his shoulder, pulling him back down and into his body.
Eddie never believed in ghosts, but he had never been so thankful to be wrong.
Buck’s name escaped his lips like a prayer.
“Eddie?” The hand squeezed. “Eddie I need you to look at me.”
He would follow Buck to the ends of the earth if he asked, but it still took everything within him to turn his head.
His breath caught in his chest as his eyes locked onto Buck, kneeling by him, clear as day.
“I’m going crazy” he wheezed. “You’re - how are you here?”
“Eds I -“
The Buck-ghost was cut off by a wobbly voice, “Dad?”
Eddie’s head snapped towards Christopher, tear tracks on his cheeks and eyes full of worry. Instincts took over, bundling his kid close to his chest as he apologised over and over under his breath.
“Dad I don’t understand.”
“Buck - he called me. He - mijo he’s gone -“
“What? Dad you’re not making any sense.”
“Eddie, I -“
“Buck’s right there.”
Eddie froze again, Chris’ hands gripping desperately onto the front of his t-shirt as if he could stop another breakdown from pure will alone.
“You - you see him?”
Chris frowned at him as if he’d grown a second head, looking over his shoulder to Buck. “Yes?”
Eddie let out a shaky breath, moving a hand to latch on to Buck’s forearm, whimpering as they made contact. He was alive.
He turned to look at Buck properly, eyes scanning over every inch of his face. Buck was beautiful; breathing; alive.
Whilst Eddie took a moment to consolidate the fact he hadn’t been the reason for his best friends early demise, Chris began to question Buck.
“What did you tell him Buck? Why - why would he think you’re not here?”
The other man winced, “I may have, uhh. I had a little panic attack on the plane and I might have called your dad to say - um - to say goodbye?”
Chris levelled him with a blank look. “He thought you were dead?”
“I-I’m pretty sure, yeah that’s what happened.”
Chris slapped Buck’s arm, “Not cool Buck!”
“I thought I was dying! I thought -“
Chris interrupted him, hitting again with each word. “So! Not! Cool!”
“I know! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, okay?”
“You broke my dad!”
“Superman, I know I messed up, but can you please stop hitting me so I can explain -“
Eddie cut them off, collapsing forwards until his head rested just over Buck’s heart. “You - you’re never getting on a plane again.”
“Uh - yeah. Agreed. Never again.”
“You’re never leaving me for three days again.”
“Easy. Done.”
“You -“ Eddie broke off, tears finally coming to his eyes, “you can’t leave me Buck.”
The words sat heavily between them, Chris wiggling out of his dad’s arms and heaving himself to his feet.
“I’m going to… I don’t think I should be here for this.” Chris’ glare softened. “I’m glad you’re not dead but don’t break him again please.”
“Yeah, sure thing Chris.”
The two men stayed unmoving until the bedroom door closed, Buck immediately moving to pull Eddie more securely against him, pressing a kiss to his hairline before he could overthink it too hard.
“I’m so sorry Eddie. I’m so so sorry.”
“I thought you were dead.”
“I know -“
“No you don’t know. I’ve - you’ve died on me before, for three minutes seventeen seconds and it almost killed me.”
Buck shuffled uncomfortably, muttering under his breath. “You would’ve been okay.”
He tensed, grip tightening almost painfully as he practically growled,“You’re a fucking idiot Evan Buckley.”
“Wha-“
“I wouldn’t have ‘been okay’. Don’t you get it?”
“Okay, bad wording -“
“Bad wording?”
“If - if this is about the message Eddie I swear to god I thought I was dying. I wouldn’t - we can ignore everything I said, okay? We can - we can just go back to how we were before.”
“No.”
“N-no?”
Eddie finally pulled back, both hands landing on Buck’s shoulders. “You said you loved me.”
He held him there as Buck tried to duck his head, not allowing him to hide. “Eds please…”
“You can’t take that back Buck, not when -“ Eddie broke off, moving one of his hands up to cup Buck’s cheek, “Not when I just had to think about everything I had lost.”
Blue eyes met brown. Hope shone back.
“What - what are you saying?”
Something about Buck’s confusion made Eddie brave, words he had held back for months came rushing out with such passion that he shocked himself at the self-assuredness in his tone.
“I’m saying that all I could think about was how I would never get the chance to talk to my best friend ever again. How I’d never get to tell my partner that I… I’m gay, Buck.”
Buck blinked dumbly. “You’re what?”
Eddie was on a roll, ignoring Buck’s question in favour of finally letting out his deepest repressed thoughts. “I didn’t want you to move out. I hate that you moved into that shitty apartment with your shitty hot tub and your shitty new neighbours. It sucks and I hate it. You should’ve stayed here. Where you belong. With family - me and Christopher. I should’ve made you stay, should’ve told you that you didn’t need to give us space. I never want space from you! It makes me feel mad because I always loved having space to breathe, but since you came into my life it’s like I can’t breathe fully without you around. I was suffocating every second I was in Texas without you - every fucking day was hell.”
“But you -“
“Talking of hell - watching you in relationships is horrible!” A slightly maniac laugh escaped him, feeling lighter already. “I have hated every single person you’ve dated! Hated! For years I told myself it was just because they didn’t deserve you - that they treated you badly - but the truth is I was so jealous of them. I wanted to be them, and I hated every time they touched you like they owned you. You were never theirs, not really.”
“Eddie!”
He blinked, looking at Buck who all of a sudden looked very pale.
“I need you to speak to me as if I am a child and understood nothing that just came out of your mouth because if what you’re saying is… I just. Please dumb it down. Please.”
Eddie took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. “I’m gay and I’m in love with you.”
Buck’s shoulders dropped, “That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”
Without wasting another second, Buck surged forwards, connecting their lips.
There were no fireworks, no sudden epiphany.
It was comfort; warmth and belonging. The understanding that of course this was it. Their last first kiss. The acceptance of their forever.
Eddie broke away first, chest heaving for air as he rested their foreheads together. “So…”
“Im in love with you too, by the way. If that wasn’t clear enough already.”
Eddie laughed, achingly fond, entwining his hand with Buck’s. It was short-lived, replaced with a haunted look as reality set back in. “This doesn’t discount how fucked that voicemail was.”
The taller man curled slightly in on himself, squeezing Eddie’s hand. “I know - I’ll apologise as much as I need to, for as long as I - if I had thought - I panicked. I’m sorry.”
The words hung in the air for a few moments, Eddie leaning back so he could clearly see Buck’s face, a small smile pulling at his lips as a thumb brushed across his birthmark. “Just… keep kissing me like that and I think we’ll be ok.”
Buck lit up, grinning. “I can do that. Totally.”
Emboldened, Eddie continued. “And move in. Tomorrow - if Chris is ok with that.”
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley
Summary: Buck takes his Diaz boys to family day at the nursing home, Eddie gets a shovel talk, Chris finds someone to info-dump about dinosaurs to, and Buck? Buck is starting to believe that he deserves happiness.
Part One
It would be a lie to say that everything had been fixed as soon as Bobby and the team apologised for the way they treated Buck after the lawsuit, but hope is a strong thing, and he was dizzy with it.
Buck’s first call back on the rig had felt like coming home, adrenaline coursing through his veins and a smile on his face as he ran towards the fire by Eddie’s side.
There had been hiccups, sure. Bobby had still faltered when giving him his assignment, as if he was having to physically force himself to let Buck loose, and Chimney had given him a worried look every three seconds.
Buck could look past all that though, blinded by the relief of being back where he belonged.
“So they are letting you back on calls?” Beatrice asked, peering at him over her tea.
“Yeah. It’s an adjustment for sure, a-and I still sometimes feel like they think I’m going to… I don’t know - fall over or something.” Buck sighed, but brightened up within seconds. “It just feels amazing to be back in the thick of it, y’know? I’m back at Eddie’s side and it’s just - it’s just right.”
“And your Captain?”
“He’s getting there. I - I understand his reasoning now, and it’s… nice? To know he cares for me. There was a solid few months where I wasn’t so sure.”
Catalina raised an eyebrow. “Love should be supportive Buck, not dismissive. Mas vale solo que mal acompañado.”
“They’re not bad company Catalina, but I appreciate what you’re saying. I - I think a lot of mistakes were made, but I started it -“
“Ay, dios, not this again.”
“I know I know!”
Beatrice leaned over the table, swatting the back of Buck’s hand lightly. “Everyone deserves forgiveness. You’re not the exception to that rule just because you made an emotional choice.”
He nodded, averting his eyes as he picked at the end of the tablecloth. A silence settled over them for a moment - not uncomfortable, but not easy either - broken moments later by Irene.
“Well I for one don’t understand how you can concentrate around such attractive men.”
Martha rolled her eyes, “Because he’s not a raging whore, Irene.”
“There’s a special place in hell -“
As the two devolved into bickering, Beatrice leaned towards him, patting his arm lightly. “As long as you’re happy Buck, that’s all I care about.”
He felt a sappy smile pull at his lips. “I am Bea, really I am.”
“What about that Eddie?” Catalina asked, smirking as Buck’s cheeks reddened, “He’s your novio, no?”
“Catalina!” Buck whined, covering his face as the older woman cackled.
“That is not a denial, ese!”
“I - he -“
Beatrice laughed, poking Buck’s red cheek. “That’s not a no, honey.”
“He’s - we’ve not - that’s not been… brought up yet.”
“But you want it to be?” Irene asked, wiggling her eyebrows salaciously.
He was saved from answering the question as Rodney yelled on the other side of the room, demanding that Buck join a game of cards.
-
“Everything is awful. Why is this top still wrinkled? I literally just ironed it.”
Buck couldn’t help but grin as he leaned against the door frame, watching Eddie straighten out his henley for the fourth time.
“Eds, you look amazing, it’s all going to be fine.”
Eddie huffed, making eye contact with Buck through the mirror. “They hate me Buck, I can at least look presentable.”
“They don’t hate you.”
“Beatrice was ready to hit me before you called her off!” Eddie whined, turning around and walking a few steps over to Buck to rest his head on his shoulder.
Buck snorted, bringing a hand up to rest on the back of Eddie’s neck. “She would never hit you.”
“Bu~uck”
With a laugh, Buck lifted Eddie’s face, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He was still shocked every time he did it, and a sappy part of him was sure that he’d never get used to the gentle ease of kissing him.
He, Evan Buck Buckley, could kiss Edmundo Diaz whenever he felt like it. Buck had been using that privilege a lot the past few days.
“You’ll be absolutely fine, Bea is excited to see you and Chris. She said so yesterday.”
“She’s excited to see Chris.” Eddie pouted.
Buck rolled his eyes fondly, kissing the pout until it was gone. “You look gorgeous.”
Eddie sighed, standing back up to his full height and rolling his shoulders, muttering under his breath as Buck walked out to the living room. “For a dead man.”
“I heard that!”
Christopher looked up at him from the sofa, “Hi Buck, does this look okay?”
He snorted, “You’re just like your dad, superman.” At Chris’ titled head, Buck laughed. “You look amazing. Is that a new t-shirt?”
“Yes! Tia Pepa bought me it, do you like it?”
"I love it buddy, is that a velociraptor?"
"Yeah! Did you know that it's brain was really big compared to its body size so it would've been a smart dinosaur?"
"Tha-that's so cool! You know who would love that fact?"
Chris sat up even straighter, smile widening. "Who?"
"Hector. I'll point him out to you once we get there, ok?"
"Okay!"
The two of them quietened as Eddie wandered into the room, ruffling Chris' hair absentmindedly and walking right past them to the shoe rack. The furrow in his brow was a clear indication that he was deep in thought, staring at the shoes as if they had personally insulted him.
“Why is dad acting so weird?” Chris asked, scrunching his nose as he watched Eddie give up on choosing shoes, instead ‘fixing’ his hair in the mirror by the front door.
“Your dad… how do I say this?”
“Is scared of old people?”
Buck burst into laughter as Chris giggled, Eddie turning around and scowling at the two of them. “I’m not scared of old people -“
“Oh you totally are, Eds!”
“No I’m not!”
Christopher walked over to his dad, patting him on the arm. “You’ll be okay, if they scare you that much you can just run away. I don’t think old people are very fast.”
That set Buck off again, howling at the unimpressed look on Eddie’s face.
“Thank you so much for that advice mijo” he said, sarcasm dripping from his words.
Chris smiled obliviously, “You’re welcome!”
-
Four different pairs of shoes, two mini panics and one drive later, they arrived at the nursing home.
“Buck!” Lottie cheered, opening the door wider, “And these must be Eddie and Christopher, how lovely to meet you! I’m Lottie.”
Chris grinned up at her as Eddie said hello, Buck stepping inside like he owned the place.
“How’s it going inside?” Buck asked, peeking around the corner.
“Chaos, but what’s new. Beatrice has been waiting for you, been staring at the door for the past twenty minutes.”
“I know, I know we’re a bit late. Someone,” he looked at Eddie pointedly, “took about forty minutes to get ready this afternoon.”
Eddie flushed, avoiding her eye as he helped Chris into the hallway.
“I was ready before him and I had to come home from school and have a shower!”
The flush deepened as Lottie laughed, “Oh really?”
“Buck!”
The second they stepped into the main room Beatrice leapt up from her seat, walking over to him at full speed.
“Bea! I’m so sorry we’re late -“
She waved off his words, pulling him into a warm embrace. “You’re here now and that’s what matters.” She pulled away, both hands cupping the sides of his face. “My boy.”
Buck flushed, smiling fondly. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
She patted his cheek lovingly, letting go and turning towards the other two, eyes settling on the youngest. “You must be Christopher.”
“Hi Beatrice! Buck’s told me a lot about you,” he grinned, ever the charmer, leaning into her open arms. Eddie watched closely, something within him settling as they hugged, Beatrice hugging him with the same intensity as Buck.
“Oh please, call me Bea. Any family of Buck’s is family of mine.”
“Okay Bea!”
As her attention finally fell on him, Eddie swallowed heavily. Through her smile he could read a warning, and he glanced over at Buck.
He had been looped into a conversation with Rodney, introducing their son with enthusiasm that would normally fill him with fondness - the current panic outweighed that, and now all Eddie wanted was for Buck to turn around and save him.
Buck didn’t turn around.
Beatrice looped her arm around Eddie’s, smiling up at him innocently. “Hello dear. Would you like to see the rose garden? Buck has done such a wonderful job starting its renovations.”
Martha stepped up to his other side, smirking. “Yes, we really ought to show you it.”
The man felt a bead of sweat roll down the back of his neck, frantically looking for anything that could get him out of the conversation.
With no such luck, he plastered on a smile and nodded, allowing himself to be pulled outside.
“It looks lovely,” he croaked, “very… green.”
Martha scoffed. “Green? Really?”
Beatrice let go of Eddie’s arm, moving to stand in front of him, smile long gone.
“Now, I think we need to have a talk. Don’t you?”
Eddie shuffled nervously, clearing his throat. “Uh, yes. Yes we should.”
Martha gave Beatrice a look, nodding towards the external doors before moving to give them space. Eddie realised with a drop in his stomach that she had gone to guard the exit.
Before his brain could run awry with the thought of being beaten up by an old woman, Beatrice spoke.
“Buck may have forgiven you, but we both know that boy accepts what he thinks he deserves and that is next to nothing.”
Eddie winced. “I know. Things are - I’m still earning his forgiveness every day. I don’t take it for granted.”
Beatrice crossed her arms. “When he came to me he was so hurt and confused. He wanted to get back to his family, sure, but he could barely even say your name without tears building up in his eyes.”
Eddie stared at the floor, distantly hoping it would open and swallow him whole. Beatrice kept going.
“Buck holds such love for the whole team - so much that it was drowning him. All he wanted was to get back to the family he had there, and no one would even look at him.”
“I’m not proud of how we treated him - how I treated him. It was wrong.”
“So why did you?”
Eddie crossed his arms defensively over his chest, as if it would protect him from the emotion that had began to claw at the inside of his ribs.
It would be so easy to let the twinge of indignant rage at the invasive question take over - to lash out and demand to be left alone. Buck was worth the discomfort, though, and so Eddie let out a long breath before speaking.
“I missed him every day. I just… I’ve never been good at feeling - my father…” he trailed off, scrunching his face up in a desperate effort to suppress the tears that threatened to fall. “It’s not an excuse, I know that. It’s just easier for me to be angry than to… feel.”
Beatrice hummed, acknowledging but still giving him space to think of his answer.
“I think it was easier for me to pretend that he was a villain than to think about why he did what he did. I had no energy left after Shannon di- was gone, and anything I did have needed to go to Christopher. Buck…” Eddie’s voice dropped to a whisper, “I think I was so used to Buck being there that when he suddenly wasn’t it felt like - like he had done it on purpose. That he was leaving me just like my wife -“
He broke off, scrubbing at his cheeks to hide the few tears that had escaped. He must not have been very subtle, Beatrice placing a gentle hand on his arm in comfort. Still, she didn't speak.
“My abuela called me out for it - you know? Told me I was an idiot for keeping Evancito away from Chris after it all went down. I think… I think she knew before I did what he was to me.”
“She sounds wise.”
"The wisest.” Eddie agreed, straightening his spine slightly. “I know that I’m lucky that Buck could find it within himself to forgive us, and I don't take it lightly. I promise. He just… I have never met anyone that loves like he does. So fully.”
“It’s rare.”
“I know. He - I'm pretty sure that he's it for me."
Beatrice squeezed his arm gently. “I haven’t known him long, but one thing I know for certain is that come hell or high water that boy will always make his way back to you.”
Eddie huffed a laugh, finally brave enough to look at Beatrice’s face. She looked kinder now, eyes softer and a small curve to the sides of her lips.
“The important thing, Eddie, is to make sure that you meet him there. He deserves to experience a love as strong as the love he gives.”
Something passed between them then. An understanding; a promise.
She tilted her head. “You’ll treat him right?”
“As best as I can.”
“You’ll make an honest man out of him?”
“As soon as he lets me.”
She nodded. “Right then.”
He stumbled slightly as deceptively strong arms pulled him down and into a hug. Just as he was beginning to relax into it, she spoke once more, tone icy. “You hurt that boy again… just know that I don’t mind spending my last years in a cell.”
Eddie was freed from her grip, her sudden sunny smile disorientating him. He blinked.
“Right! Well, I know a lot of people who want to get to know the famous Eddie. Let’s go back inside shall we?”
“Right - uh - yes. Okay.”
As they approached the doors, Martha gave Beatrice a look. “All good?”
“Yes I think we have an understanding, right Eddie?”
He nodded so quickly it sent a twinge down his neck. “Yeah - I mean. Yes. We do. Have an understanding.”
Martha narrowed her eyes at him before stepping aside, “Hurt Buck again and I’ll kick you where the sun doesn’t shine.”
-
Eddie was man enough to admit that his knees went weak with relief at the sight of Buck and Christopher, hurrying over to them and wrapping his arm around Buck’s waist for comfort.
“You okay?” Buck asked, hand resting over his, “I was wondering where you got to.”
“Fine! Totally fine.” He winced as his voice came out two pitches higher than usual.
Buck looked between him and a smug-looking Beatrice, a fond smile on his lips. “Uhuh. Well, you missed Millicent’s daughter - she seemed lovely, but she was just popping in before her shift at the hospital.”
Forcing himself to calm down, he focused on the warmth of Buck's hand, “Meet anyone else?”
“Rodney’s son Freddy is a mechanic,” Buck said, pointing over at the small group in the corner, “and that’s his wife Leila and their daughter Tia who just turned three.”
Eddie nodded, pressing a kiss to his birthmark before tuning in to Chris' conversation with a man in tortoiseshell glasses.
"- was only the size of a turkey! Jurassic park got it wrong 'cos they made them big and scary - not that they weren't scary. They had very very sharp claws."
The man nodded, listening intently. "I see. When Buck was telling us all about you he failed to leave out that you're a palaeontologist-in-training!"
Chris smiled, ducking his head bashfully in a move that was so painfully like Buck that Eddie had to take a deep breath.
"I said he was a certified genius, Hector." Buck replied, smiling. "That should've been a given."
Hector smiled, eyes flitting to Eddie. "Ah, you must be Buck's partner. Nice to meet you. You have a wonderful son."
"Thank you, I -"
He was interrupted by a tall old woman hurrying over, "There he is! Eddie where have you been hiding?"
"Hiding from you more like. We were having a little chat," Martha replied, smirking at the offended look she got in reply.
"Without me?" Irene screeched, hand over her heart. "How am I supposed to know what's happening around here if I'm not involved in conversations?"
“Ever think that's the reason? You heifer.”
Chris tilted his head, watching the two women devolve into an argument, Hector awkwardly (and very unsuccessfully) trying to calm them down.
“Dad? What does heifer mean?”
Eddie blinked, exchanging a look with Buck before ushering Chris forwards. “Uh… let's go have a look at the buffet table!"
Buck watched as Eddie helped Chris get a plate, walking over to Beatrice's side.
"So I noticed you stole Eddie away for a little bit there," he said, eyebrows raised, "anything I should know?"
She shook her head, a small smile on her lips. "Just a chat amongst new friends.”
“Friends? It went well then.”
Beatrice smiled, clearly catching on to the anxiety in Buck’s words, placing a light hand on his arm. “I am happy for you, Buck. He seems a good egg.”
“Yeah?”
“But if that changes, you just let me know, okay?”
Buck nodded, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Thank you Bea.”
“For what?”
“Just… everything.”
Beatrice tilted her head slightly, “How many times do I have to tell you you’re family before you understand?”
He could feel his smile turn sheepish, ducking his head. “A few more?”
She rolled her eyes, not unkindly, and looped her hand around his arm. “Let’s get you fed. None of mine go home hungry.”
Buck huffed a laugh, walking over with her to join his boys.
-
The rest of the afternoon passed surprisingly quickly, Buck making sure to introduce Eddie and Chris to everyone with a bright smile.
Eddie learned that Beatrice had three children, Joy, Tilly and Simon, and four grandchildren (five now, including Buck). They couldn’t visit today, her daughter Joy on a trip to visit her brother in Australia where he had moved four years ago.
“I’ll go see Tilly tomorrow,” Beatrice had said, a mist clouding her gaze “I’ll take you to see her sometime Buck. She was around your age when… she would have liked you.”
Buck had hugged her close, eyebrows furrowing in sympathy. “I’d love that Bea.”
Eddie also learned that Mabel and Clarence were married, with one of their granddaughters currently dating a woman named Jenny. He was told this fact as soon as Clarence realised that he was with Buck ‘in the biblical sense’.
“Our Annie’s got herself a girlfriend! She’s one of those beegees like you! Do you know her?”
Mabel had facepalmed beside him as Buck let out a booming laugh, “LGBTs, sweetheart. The BeeGees were a band, remember?”
“What kind of name is a BeeGee?” Chris asked, nose scrunched up.
At one point, Irene had managed to corner him, asking after Bobby once more. “How serious is your captain about his wife, really?”
“Um… very?”
“Shame. I still think I could take him.”
Eddie shook his head, eyes wide. “You really, really couldn’t.”
Irene hummed, eyes roaming up and down the length of Eddie’s body. “And you -?”
Before he could even conceive a response, Buck materialised beside him, arm wrapping around his waist. “Gay! He’s gay. And mi-“ he broke off, clearing his throat awkwardly, “Just - back off Irene. Shame on you.”
The woman laughed, flapping her hand dismissively. “Can’t blame a woman for looking.”
Buck had practically dragged Eddie away, too busy pointing threateningly at Irene to see the clash of humour and interest playing out across Eddie’s face.
Three hours after arriving, Catalina introduced her daughter Rosa, a very brightly dressed woman who immediately launched into a discussion with Buck about the best ways to irrigate the garden.
With him distracted, and Christopher talking to Lottie, the woman pulled him aside.
“I’m not here to give you another lecture, I’m sure Bea has done that already.” At Eddie’s grimace she let out a little laugh. “I just wanted to say thank you. Buck seems… lighter. Brighter.”
Guilt flashed through him once again. “He used to be even more. He’s still - he’s getting back to where he was before. 118’s golden retriever.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t get caught in the regret” She smiled kindly, patting over his chest “El amor lo perdona todo.”
“Love forgives everything?”
“Sì - and what is Buck if not love incarnate?”
He was just about to reply as Chris tugged on his jacket, voice quiet. “My legs are starting to hurt.”
He pressed a kiss to the top of his head, locking eyes with Buck across the room, unspoken conversation happening in seconds.
“Thank you for telling me mijo.” He looked back at Catalina, smiling. “And gracias.”
-
Their goodbyes were kind but efficient, bundling Chris into the car and getting back home in record time.
“I’m sorry” Chris mumbled, frowning as Eddie massaged the cramp out of his leg.
“Never apologise for making sure you’re okay, superman.” Buck said, voice slightly muffled from his place in the kitchen, heat pack currently spinning in the microwave. “You come first, always.”
Chris pouted, “But Bea -“
“Bea would say the same.” Eddie interrupted, muttering a small apology as Chris winced at a particularly painful area. “We probably wouldn’t have stuck around for much longer anyway, it was getting late.”
Chris grumbled but acquiesced, accepting the heat pack as Buck handed it over.
It was a testament to Buck’s place in his kid’s life that Chris let Eddie do this with him in the house. Vulnerability is not a Diaz strong suit, and it warmed something within his chest to know that Buck was helping break that cycle somewhat.
“Are you less scared of them now dad?”
“Mijo I was never scared -“ he gave a laughing Buck a glare, “I was just… nervous to meet Buck’s friends.”
“And now?”
Buck leaned against him, grinning as he placed his chin on his shoulder. “Yeah Eddie, what about now?”
Rolling his eyes, Eddie smiled. “I’m glad I went. It was nice to meet people that love Buck almost as much as we do.”
Christopher grinned widely at that, “Yeah! We’re still your favourites though, right Buck?”
Eddie could feel Buck’s smile grow, the man moving to collapse on the couch next to Chris and squish the boy into a careful hug. “Always and forever. No one can replace my Diaz boys.”
“Good.” Chris looked at Eddie, a flash of mischief in his eyes before he turned to look up at Buck. “Do you love us enough to buy pizza?”
“Chris!”
His exclamation was cut short as Buck let out an enthusiastic “Of course!”.
Eddie sighed, though the fond smile stayed on his lips. “He’s got you wrapped around his finger.”
“It’s the eyes,” Buck admitted, poking Chris’ cheek lightly as the boy laughed at him, “Who can say no to those puppy eyes?”
Chris smiled even wider, nodding. “Carla says they’re my best weapon.”
-
Later, with Christopher settled in his bedroom for the night, Buck sprawled out on the couch as Eddie collapsed next to him and leaned until his head rested on his shoulder.
They relaxed into the silence for a few minutes, Eddie shuffling closer to the heat of Buck’s body as he spoke.
“I know she’s a sweet and lovely woman, but Beatrice is genuinely scary when she wants to be.”
Buck snorted. “Bea?”
“Yes! Her and Martha!”
“Now Martha I can see, but Bea?”
“She threatened me with grievous bodily harm.”
Buck laughed at that, loud and beautiful, head thrown back. “Grievous bodily harm are you kidding me?”
“No! She said she’s not scared of jail -“
Buck dissolved into giggles as Eddie pouted. After a few minutes, Buck let out a breath, calming himself. When he next spoke, his voice was soft.
“Is it bad to say that makes me happy?”
Eddie turned in his arms and levelled Buck with a blank look, “You want me to be threatened by old women?”
“No? I - I just - I’ve never had someone give a partner the shovel talk for me before,” Buck shrugged, fond smile on his lips, “it’s nice.”
“Yeah, well, good thing that won’t be happening again.”
“Oh?”
“This is the last shovel talk you’ll ever need Buck. You’re stuck with me.”
Buck rolled his eyes, impossibly fond. “Oh no, what a hardship.”
Eddie grinned, pushing him down onto the couch and kissing the sarcasm off of his lips. Hands tangled in the mess of curls atop Buck’s head, he pulled away with a smile.
“You do realise it’s my turn next right?”
Buck blinked dumbly, eyes stuck on Eddie’s kiss-bruised lips. “Huh?”
“To introduce you.” Eddie smiled wider, pressing a quick kiss to his birthmark. “To Abuela and Tia Pepa.”
“I-I’ve met them before Eddie. Multiple times.”
“I need to introduce you as my boyfriend.”
Buck stilled, wonderment spreading across his face. They hadn’t said it out loud yet, and Eddie’s chest tightened at the thought of Buck still not being aware of how much he wanted him - needed him.
“I - really?”
“I know we still have a lot to work on. I need to regain your trust and work on my issues with Frank.” Eddie shrugged, trying to control his face so not to give away the vulnerability that rushed forwards. “But I want to do that together, to be yours, if you’ll have me.”
“If I’ll - what? Eddie, I - I want everything you’ll give me.” Buck breathed in shakily, hands gripping on to Eddie’s hips as he pulled him even closer, guiding the man to straddle his lap. “I want you - in every possible conceivable way.”
“Even though -”
His words were swallowed by Buck, connecting their lips in a passionate kiss. The moment they ran out of air, Buck pressed their foreheads together. “Always. No matter what.”
Buck met his gaze, searching for something he must have found, as in the next moment he took hold of Eddie’s ass and squeezed.
“Buck!”
“That feel real to you?”
He snorted, letting his head fall on to Buck’s shoulder. “You’re such a dick.”
The earlier tension fell away, Buck nosing along Eddie’s exposed neck, pressing a kiss to the corner of his jaw. “Thinking about my dick, Diaz?”
He muffled a moan into the fabric of Buck’s shirt, hips lurching forwards as Buck’s teeth sank shallowly into delicate skin. Eddie gripped blindly, fingers tightening around Buck’s arm as he chased friction.
This was a line they hadn’t crossed yet, and Eddie had never felt more alive. His body was thrumming with anticipation, hyper aware of every little movement that Buck made below him.
“I - Buck.”
He grinned against Eddie’s skin, sucking another mark on to his collarbone as his hands squeezed once more. “You know our 12 off on Monday?”
“Yeah?”
“Chris will be at school.”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “Oh - yes.”
Buck’s hands left their place on his ass, one moving up to grip Eddie’s chin. He guided him so their lips could connect once more in a filthy kiss.
“Until then… can you promise to be quiet for me?”
Eddie’s chest heaved, “If it means you keep touching me.”
Buck just smirked, grabbing him under the thighs and jumping to his feet, striding into the bedroom in record time. “Ever been deep-throated?”
“Dios mio -“
His smirk widened as Eddie’s fingers bit into his shoulder, gently kicking the door closed behind him. “I’ll take that as a no.”
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley
Whumptober #17 : Coma / #23: ICU
Summary: in the aftermath of the lightning strike, eddie must deal with his feelings for buck. meanwhile, buck is stuck with a bitchy version of bobby who forces him to reevaluate his life.
Word count: 5,881
-
Eddie was getting sick of hospitals.
He hated the beeping; he hated the uncomfortable waiting room chairs; he hated the stupid hospital coffees, and Eddie especially hated the amount of natural disasters that the man he was in love with kept finding himself in the middle of.
What the fuck even was an dry thunderstorm?
Buck had tried to explain it to him earlier that morning, and Eddie thought he had understood it, but all that information had left his brain the moment he saw the lightning connect with Buck's body.
Now all he knew for certain is that he hated dry thunderstorms.
Don't get him wrong, Eddie hated everything that tried to kill Buck (he still gave the pier death glares when driving past it), but he especially hated this one because it had succeeded.
For three minutes and seventeen seconds Buck had been dead.
Not breathing. No pulse. Dead.
For three minutes and seventeen seconds Eddie had to try and imagine a life without Buck in it. A life where he would never see his smile again, never hear his loud laugh, never see his cheeks flush to a colour that almost matched the birthmark by his eyebrow.
A life where he would never have the chance to tell Buck he loved him - was in love with him.
A hand on his shoulder disrupted his thoughts. "Eddie, I know you're worried but if you keep bouncing your leg I'm going to lose my mind."
He flashed Hen an apologetic smile, leaning forwards so he had elbows on both of his thighs in an effort to keep them still. His focus returned to the double doors.
Hen’s grip tightened slightly. "Buck's a fighter, and he's got you and Chris and all of the 118 to fight to get back to."
"I just -" Eddie's throat constricted, tears jumping to his eyes, "I keep seeing it when I close my eyes. He was just... hanging."
"Eddie..."
"When he was hit I - I couldn't pull him up. There wasn't enough slack on the safety rope and I just -" He broke off into a sob, collapsing in on himself. "I couldn't get him - I couldn't -"
There was some shuffling, Hen moving to kneel in front of him to pull him into her arms. Her shoulder gave him a small space of privacy to fall apart, to weep without the fear of judgement.
"You did everything right, Eddie. You were hit off of the truck and you still raced right up to get to him. He's here, in the hospital. You got him here - this team got him here."
He couldn't find it in himself to speak, instead letting Hen’s soothing voice wash over him. Not long after, the double doors swung open, a woman in scrubs approaching.
"Edmundo Diaz?"
Eddie launched to his feet, swiping at his eyes aggressively. "That's me." The doctor looked around at the group that had formed around him questioningly. "We're all family, you can speak freely."
"The first thing to focus on is that Evan is alive."
"Buck." Eddie and Chimney spoke in unison, exchanging a look.
"Pardon?"
Chimney at least had the wherewithal to look sheepish. Eddie did not. "He - he's called Buck."
"Right. Buck is alive, but he has been placed in a medically induced coma to give his body time to heal from the internal damage he’s sustained. He is in the ICU, a nurse will let you know the exact room in a moment. I ask that you keep it to two people in the room at a time.”
“So he - we can see him?”
“In a few minutes, yes.”
With that, the doctor left. Eddie had to make a conscious effort not to run after her, clenching his fist as he forced himself to stay still.
“Maddie will be here soon… uniform went to inform her.” Chimney ran his hands over his face, “His parents too - can’t see this going down well.”
“Christopher… I need to call Carla.”
Bobby stepped forwards, looking almost as wrecked as Eddie. “Athena is coming to get me so I can get some home comforts for Buck. I’ll talk to Carla about Chris… let her know you won’t be home tonight.”
Eddie accepted with a nod, knowing his captain needed to stay busy, breathing shakily as a nurse approached. He followed her wordlessly, aware that Chimney was right by his side.
The two of them faltered just outside of the room, the nurse sensing the hesitation and offering them a small smile. “He has some wires, and the monitor will be beeping, but he is stable for now. It looks scarier than it is.”
Eddie nodded, glancing at the door. As soon as she pushed it open, he stepped past Chimney and made a beeline for Buck’s bedside.
The man looked pale, a spiderweb of bruising twisting around his tattoos. He was sure there was a proper name for them - certain that Buck would know the answer if he asked.
The two of them were silent for a while, Eddie desperate to break it.
“Do you think he knows?”
Chimney looked up at Eddie, frowning slightly. “Knows what?”
“Does he know how loved he is?”
He could feel the man’s eyes on the side of his head, but Eddie couldn’t seem to rip his focus away from Buck.
Chimney sighed. “I want to say that he does... but you know more than anyone how he doesn’t seem to believe that he is wanted.”
“He was dead, Chim.”
“I know.”
“He’s - three minutes and seventeen seconds -“
“You counted?”
“I couldn’t breathe Chim. I couldn’t - for three minutes and - he -“
When Eddie was less emotionally wrecked, he would find it embarrassing how easily the sobs came out of him again. He had never cried easily, tending to bottle things up and up until they exploded out of him - usually in private.
Now though, Eddie couldn’t find it within himself to give a single fuck.
“Oh - Eddie… um-“
Chimney flapped about for a minute, moving from his seat and coming to pat his on the back. The older man’s panic punched a laugh out of Eddie, the craziness of the situation finally dawning on him.
Now hysterically laughing through the tears, Eddie threw his hands up in the air, turning to face Chimney.
“Buck got hit by lightning.”
“Uhhh…” Chimney backed away slightly, “Yeah Eddie. He was.”
“Who the fuck gets hit by lightning?”
“I -“
“Buck! Buck is who! He gets crushed by engines and attacked by tsunamis but apparently that’s not enough!” He wiped at his eyes, distantly aware that his voice was raised, “It’s God’s greatest joke that Buck is a magnet for disasters!”
Chimney looked thoroughly concerned now, eyes wide and hands outstretched in front of him as if approaching a wild animal. A nurse came to enter the room but Chimney shook his head.
“Hey, buddy. It’s been a day, huh? But Buck is okay. He’s just resting... he's got through worse than this.”
Eddie jumped to his feet, stumbling slightly as he caught a reflection of himself in the window. He looked insane, there was no other word for it. All at once, he froze, tears now passively falling. "I - sorry. Sorry Chim."
“Man, you don’t have to apologise to me. I just -“ his face dropped, focusing back on Buck in the hospital bed, “I was supposed to go up that ladder.”
Chim’s lip wobbled, tears eventually winning and spilling down his cheeks. “It was supposed to be me, and now I have to tell Maddie that her brother -“
It was Eddie’s turn to not fall apart. He laid a hand on Chim’s shoulder. “Is a stubborn idiot. But an idiot that was doing his job.”
That got a laugh out of Chim, scrubbing at his eyes. “Yeah. Jesus I need to look better before the Buckleys get here or I’m so screwed.”
Eddie gestured between them, “I think it’s safe to say that ship sailed a while ago, Chim.”
Their shared laughter lasted just a few moments, smiles dropping as both of their attention returning to Buck’s unmoving body.
“He will be fine, right?”
“He has to be.”
-
Buck was pretty sure he was dying.
His parents loved him, Maddie was married to Doug, and Daniel was alive.
For a coma dream - or at least Buck assumed he was in a coma, maybe he was actually just dead and this was purgatory - his brain wasn’t exactly too creative.
Bitchy-Bobby said as much, glassy eyed and mean. “Poor Evan Buckley, wanting parents that love him so much he actually convinced himself any of this could be real. Boo-fucking-hoo.”
Buck narrowed his eyes, arms folded defensively across his chest. “You’re kinda a dick.”
Bitchy-Bobby grinned, “And you’re kinda dying! This is a fun game, let’s play some more! Gaze through the magical window and see yourself die in real time!”
Buck’s brow furrowed, gaze snapping to the blank hospital wall which was crumbling, revealing a glass panel.
Looking through the glass and seeing himself in a bed was surprisingly not the weirdest thing he had seen in the past five minutes.
He took a moment to tune Bitchy-Bobby out, eyes flitting over the scene before him.
Real-Bobby was sat with his head bowed at his bedside, hands clutching a rosary as his mouth moved silently - praying, Buck guessed.
Eddie was sat on his other side, clutching his limp hand as if it would keep him upright.
He didn’t know how long he had been watching them when Real-Bobby stood up, stretching his back with a wince. “I’ll be right back.”
Eddie didn’t immediately react, but as soon as the door closed he moved closer to Buck, free hand reaching over to lie on Buck’s cheek.
“You need to come back.” His voice was hoarse, from crying or lack of use Buck couldn’t tell. “The team needs you. Bobby needs you. Buck - I need you. Chris needs you. This can’t be the thing to take you out, okay? Chimney would never forgive himself and I-“
Buck placed his hand on the glass, desperate to comfort Eddie as the man broke into a sob. He watched as Eddie rested his forehead on Buck’s hip, shoulders shaking with the force of his cries.
After a few moments he recollected himself, breathing shakily. If his voice had sounded bad before, it was nothing compared to how wrecked it was now.
“I need you to be okay. I don’t know how to do this without you. I need my partner.”
Buck let out a shaky breath, hands clenching into fists as Eddie continued to cry. The sight made him ache, wanting nothing more than to break through and tug the man into a fierce hug.
Behind the glass Bitchy-Bobby burst into laughter, “Now this is funny.”
Buck whirled around, anger coursing through him. “This is funny to you?”
“Evan Buckley: the man who gets left behind. Now you’re the one leaving him.”
“You know what Bobby? This version of you sucks. You’re such an asshole.”
“I’m just saying it how I see it!” Bitchy-Bobby grinned, downing some more drugs. “You’re still here, aren’t you?”
Buck growled in frustration, turning back to the glass and hitting it with all of his might. “Eddie!” he yelled, pummelling the window with his fists, “Eddie I’m coming!”
“That won’t work!” Bitchy-Bobby sang, making a sad trumpet noise as Buck’s next hit did nothing. “You really think getting out of here is that simple? Maybe you really are all muscle and no brain.”
Buck ignored him as he took one last look at Eddie, growling with frustration and walking back out of the room, purpose in every step.
-
Eddie had been booted out of the hospital after 22 hours - dragged would be a more apt word actually, Karen having to take his hand and walk him out the front doors.
He came home to an empty house. Chris was at school, still unaware of Buck’s condition, which gave him just enough time to fall apart in the comfort of his own home.
Karen stayed with him (god Eddie loved that woman), rubbing circles into his back as he sobbed.
She forced him to shower as she made up a lunch, making sure he was at least somewhat presentable for when Chris was due home.
He forced himself to eat despite the taste of ash in his mouth, numbness spreading through him as he settled his focus on informing his son.
For an hour he sat silently on the couch, Karen sat where Buck should be, counting down the seconds.
Christopher knew something was wrong the second Carla opened the door, his smile dropping as he looked between Eddie and Karen.
“Dad?”
“Mijo -“
“Is Buck dead?”
His voice trembled with the question, hands tightening on his crutches as he searched his dad’s face.
“No Chris, but he’s not - he’s in a coma-”
Eddie winced as his voice gave out, pushing up on to his feet and crossing the room in a flash, pulling Chris into his arms as the boy let out a pained noise.
Carla and Karen had a quiet conversation behind them, one that barely registered to Eddie. All he could focus on now was his son.
“He’ll wake up though, right?” Chris whispered into his chest, crutches falling to the floor as he moved his grip to his dad’s t-shirt. “Buck has survived before. He - he’s coming back.”
Tears burned in Eddie’s eyes, “Your Buck will do everything to come back to you - to us. He’s strong mijo. I can’t - I can’t promise anything, but I know. I know in my heart that he is gonna be okay.”
Chris burrowed even further into the safety of his dad’s chest, wetting the fabric of the t-shirt with his tears. Despite the pain it caused him, Eddie pulled him closer still, desperate to give as much comfort as he possibly could.
“Can I see him?”
The question was impossibly quiet, but it lanced through Eddie all the same. “Not when he’s in the ICU, bud.”
Christopher pulled back, face scrunched up. “That’s not fair! He needs to know that I need him to wake up!”
“Chris -“
“No! He needs to know! I need to tell him dad!”
Eddie’s throat constricted. He felt too weak, too raw to argue with him.
Thankfully, Karen stepped in. “He knows how much you love him Chris, but your dad can tell him again when he goes to see him tomorrow. You can write it down and everything.”
“But -!”
Carla backed her up. “We’ll look into it Chris. If there’s a way to get you in there, we’ll do it. But that is the best option right now, okay?”
Taking a steadying breath - a tool he had learned from therapy post-tsunami - Christopher nodded, wiping angrily at his eyes before heading towards his bedroom.
“Mijo -“
“I need to write to Buck.”
His tone left no room for argument, and Eddie felt too fragile to push. Instead he looked at the two women in front of him, gave them a strangled thank you, and started to cry again.
-
Buck was going to apologise to Bobby - the real one that is - if when he woke up, because he had just punched him clean in the face.
The constant insults had finally poked the frustration boiling in Buck over the edge, shouting as fake-Bobby hit the floor. “Fuck!”
“That’s a bad word.” Buck whirled around to see a younger Christopher gazing up at him, head tilted slightly.
“Superman?”
“Who are you talking to?” Fake-Bobby asked, spitting out a glob of blood, “there’s no one there.”
“I know I didn’t punch you that hard. You can see Chris.”
“Oh you mean the dead boy?”
Buck’s stomach tightened, fear contracting his muscles. “What?”
“He means I died.” Chris replied, chirpy. “You lost me, remember? I drowned.”
Buck stumbled back slightly, “No. No you - Chris you survived. You made it out.”
“You lost me. I drowned.”
Buck shook his head, as if the action could cancel out the words he was hearing. “No! I looked for you and you - you made it to the field hospital. You survived -“
Christopher shrugged, smiling. “You killed me Buck. You didn’t care enough to look.”
The words contrasted so severely with Chris’ facial expression that it took Buck a moment to process the words.
“That’s not true Chris - I never stopped looking for you. I love - you’re my s- my best friend. I would never give up on you.”
“But you did.”
In an instant, Buck staggered as if hit with physical force.
He felt sick, heart racing as he reached out towards Eddie’s son - his favourite kid in the world - his superman.
His hands met thin air. The boy was gone.
He couldn’t breathe.
-
"I hope you can hear me Buck. I, uh. I have a letter from Chris. He wanted to talk to you but there's a no kid rule in the ICU so it's just me. Sorry." Eddie cleared his throat uncomfortably, shuffling in his seat. "Here it is."
He looked at Buck's resting body, taking a long look before averting his eyes to the page.
"Buck. I need you to know that I love you and I need you to wake up. I need your breakfast pancakes. I need you to come with me on our zoo trips. I need your random facts and I need you to help me with my homework. I need you to-"
Eddie's voice faltered, emotion clogging up his throat as the words on the page blurred. This kid was going to kill him.
"I need you to be there to look after my dad at work. I need you to come home and sit on our couch and be just Buck. I miss you. I love you Buck and you need to wake up. Please wake up."
Eddie let out a long, shaky breath. Placing the letter in his pocket, he reached over to lay a light hand on to Buck's covered ankle, thumb pressing in to feel the pulse.
He stared at the rise and fall of his chest with a prayer-like reverence, that and the pulse reassuring him that his partner was still alive, still clinging on.
All of a sudden, the rise and fall stopped.
Machines began to beep like crazy, Eddie springing to his feet as nurses rushed in.
“He’s not breathing.”
“Other stats?”
“HR 130 and climbing, O2 dropping -“
A nurse grabbed Eddie’s arm, pulling him away and out of the room. He didn’t resist - couldn’t.
Maddie rushed to his side, fresh coffee forgotten in the machine. “Eddie? What’s happening?”
He opened his mouth but no noise came out, gesturing weakly at the ICU window. She grabbed on to his arm with a bruising grip as they stood side by side, watching as a doctor raced past them and into the room.
After what felt like a millennia, with drying tears on both of their cheeks, a doctor came out to speak to them.
“His lungs just… gave up. We have him on a tube, and will keep him on it until his stats recover.”
Eddie swayed into Maddie’s side slightly, blinking dumbly as the woman spoke. “And then?”
The doctor hesitated. “Let’s focus on the now first, okay?”
Eddie ripped his arm from Maddie’s grip, raced to the nearest bin, and vomited up his breakfast.
His body contorted as it rejected the possibility of a life without Buck, knees burning against the hard waxed floor. Light footsteps approached his side, Maddie patting his back.
At the contact, Eddie let tears fall once more. “I love him Maddie.”
The words were no more than a croak. Maddie’s hand paused for a fraction of a second, just enough to let Eddie know she had heard him, before returning to their ministrations.
His confession hung in the silence between them, raw and fragile, and yet she said nothing. Panic had just begun to grow when the woman paused entirely, moving to kneel by Eddie’s side.
“I love my brother. He would fight like hell to get back to any of us,” she said, tears evident in her voice, “but I know there’s nothing that will make him fight harder than you and your son.”
Eddie let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, releasing his vice grip on the side of the metal can and unsteadily rising to his feet. He offered Maddie his hand, helping her up.
“He would do anything for you.” He replied.
She smiled. “I know he would - but Eddie, even a stranger could see that he would do the impossible for you and Christopher.”
He stood slightly taller, “Good thing that’s exactly what we need him to do now then.”
Together, they walked back into the room together, clinging on to each other's hand in an effort to keep themselves up.
Eddie couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from the artificial rise and fall of Buck’s chest. He knew logically that the tubes were breathing for him, but it still calmed him to see the movement.
"We should call Bobby," Maddie said from his side.
"Yeah."
Neither of them moved.
"In a minute."
"Yeah."
-
Buck’s breathing returned to normal with a snap, fake-Bobby smirking at him as he wiped the last of the blood from his lips. “You’re on a tube now.”
Buck’s medical knowledge that he’d absorbed from working in the firehouse was enough to know that tubes were bad.
“My lungs gave out, didn’t they?”
“Ding ding ding! Another ten points to Buckley!”
Too aware of his ever-disappearing grip on vitality, Buck couldn’t even spare the time to roll his eyes, rushing back to the room with the window.
Just like before, he gazed on to his unconscious body, a large tube in his mouth.
Maddie was sat by his side, his parents stood at the foot of the bed as Chimney hovered awkwardly in between.
The conversation was stilted, most of it spent staring at Buck, when Margaret spoke.
“When do we have to take him off the tube?”
“That isn’t our decision.” Maddie said, frowning slightly as their mother took a step forwards.
“I know the doctors will let us know when it’s an option, but the decision will be down to us.”
“No mom. It’s not.”
“What do you mean?” She asked. “If we’re not his power of attorney then it’s you, surely.”
“I haven’t been that for Buck in years mom.”
“Then who?”
“It was Bobby for a while -“ Their dad let out a scoff, pushing his glasses up, but stayed silent as Maddie gave him a quick glare. “- but now I think it’s Eddie.”
“Eddie?”
“Yes Eddie - you know, the one who’s been here every day since the accident? His partner Eddie.”
"The friend from work?"
Chimney fidgeted, unable to stop himself from cutting in. “He’s more than that -“
“Yes, yes we know you firefighters bond, but really, having a workmate hold this much power is ridiculous.” Phillip’s words were dripping with condescension.
Chimney’s face failed to hide the awkwardness, visibly withholding his next words as his eyes flickered to Maddie.
Buck just frowned, zoning out as his mother continued to talk.
'Friend from work' did not even come close to explain Eddie's importance in his life. He was his best friend, his person, his safe space.
Eddie had given him a soft place to land; handed him the keys to his home and the trust to be in his son's life. They had built a family together, unconventional but perfect all the same.
He was the first person he wanted to talk to when he had good news or bad news. He was there for each celebration, every triumph and failure, and every life lesson.
When he pictured his life, it was Eddie that was the person he envisioned growing old with. They would champion Christopher as he grew and flourished, hold each other as he crossed the graduation stage, sobbing with pride. They would go back to their home where they would host their family, knowing that at the end of the day he could always rely on Eddie to be there. At night, he would walk past the couch and into their bedroom and -
Oh.
Oh.
He was in love with Eddie.
-
Eddie felt like he was truly losing his mind.
Watching Buck’s parents pretend to give a shit about their son was discombobulating.
He wanted to grab them by their shoulders and shake, scream at them for taking up time at Buck’s side that his real family should have, and tell them in excruciating detail just how much they had failed their son.
As it so happens, Eddie was too exhausted by the emotions that came with watching your best friend get killed by lightning, so he instead settled for pulling faces at their backs - no better than a six year old child.
Athena had caught him, raising an eyebrow in a way that was so unimpressed that he actually shrunk in on himself. He didn’t do it again (at least not when he knew she was visiting).
All bets flew out of the window, however, the day he heard they had been discussing removing the tube that was keeping Buck alive.
Bobby had warned him the moment he had entered the hospital that morning, the Captain having walked into a ‘disagreement’ between Maddie and the Buckley’s a few moments earlier.
“They just found out about the power of attorney. They’re not happy.”
“They really thought Buck would have them listed? They’ve barely spoken since he was 16! They’ve not been here, we have! I have!”
Bobby laid a stabilising hand on his shoulder. “We know that, no one here is questioning you both.”
Eddie shook his head, clenching his jaw as he forced himself to settle. “Why were they even discussing it?”
Bobby’s face fell into a carefully constructed mask. “They were discussing next steps -“
“The doctors haven’t said anything yet, have they?”
“No. No they… they wanted to remove the tube.”
“What! He hasn’t even been on it for a full two days! It could work any moment now! Why would they -“ He cut off as his breath failed to come, eyes widening in panic.
“Eddie. Eddie! I know. I know. They can’t do anything, no one is going to touch Buck until he’s ready to come off of it, okay?”
He nodded, breath coming short and shallow. Bobby talked him down, ever calm and present, until Eddie could breathe deeply once more.
“I’m right here, and when you’re ready, we’ll walk in there together and deal with this.”
“Athena on stand-by?”
Bobby raised his eyebrow, a shadow of a smile on his lips, “Should she be?”
“Maybe just… stand in between me and Margaret.”
“Got it.”
-
Buck wasn’t sure how long he had been stood at the window. Time had definitely passed, but his side of the room was suspiciously quiet. Bitchy-Bobby was nowhere to be seen, which was either a very good or a very bad sign.
Buck hoped it was good.
People had been visiting him: Athena, Hen and Karen, Ravi, Chimney, even Josh from dispatch came to check on him. By far the most frequent visitors had been Bobby, Maddie and Eddie.
It was Eddie that was sat with him now, Maddie distracting their parents with a coffee run and Bobby retreated to the hospital chapel.
“They’re going to come in and remove your tube this afternoon Buck, and I need you to fight. I can’t help you with this one, and it’s killing me. I just… I need to know that I’ve said this to you. I don’t have long. Maddie is barely keeping your shitty - sorry - your parents out of the room but she knows I need to say this. She said it might give you some more reason to try. So…”
Buck pressed a hand to the glass. “I’m trying Eddie I promise.”
Eddie cleared his throat.
“You can’t die before I can tell you that I love you. I love you so much, Buck. It’s fucking torture - you can’t die without kissing me. I can’t go through life knowing that I didn’t get to know what your lips felt like - that I didn’t get teach you how it feels to be loved wholly. I would never leave you, so you need to wake the fuck up.”
Buck faltered, tears running down his cheeks as his chest rattled. “Eddie,” he breathed, crowding against the glass, “he loves me.”
“Wake up so I can tell you to your face. I need to see your smile and your beautiful eyes, Buck. If - when you’re ready I’m going to take you out on the best date of your life.” Eddie let out a wobbly laugh, running his hands over his face. “Enough of me talking at you. I’m sure you’re getting tired of my voice by now -“
“Never.” Buck whispered.
“We have a visitor for you. More of a stowaway than anything, but…” he trailed off, opening the door. Crutches echoed through the room.
Buck’s tears began to fall in earnest. “Christopher!”
With Carla’s help, they got Chris in the room, settling him on the bed. The boy took care to not lean on any wires, his hand falling to rest over Buck’s heart.
“Hi Buck. It’s me. Oh, and Carla.”
“Hi Buckaroo.”
“I know dad read you my letter but I really wanted to see that you were okay myself. Dad told me the machines are helping you heal, so you need to let them. And you need to come back, wherever you are, because we need you.”
Eddie wiped his tears away silently, leaning against the wall in order to stay standing.
Christopher moved closer, voice dropping to a whisper. “Dad has been really sad Buck. I don’t know how to make it better, but you do. After mom died you helped, so I need you to come and help again. Please.”
“I’m coming Chris,” Buck promised, taking one last look at them before stepping away from the glass. “I’m coming!”
As soon as his back was turned, he began to run.
He ran past his parents, calling after him with promises of family dinner.
He ran past his sister, bruised and hurting.
He ran past his brother, past a Chim and Hen who didn’t recognise him, past ghost-Chris and Bitchy-Bobby.
He didn’t stop until he reached the end of the hospital corridor, double doors replaced with a brick wall.
“No!” Buck shouted, channelling all of his energy into his voice, “I want to wake up! None of this is real. My family - my real family needs me!”
“Evan, we are your family.” Margaret said, arms open, “We love you.”
Phillip stood tall behind her, smiling softly. “We love you son.”
Buck shook his head, stepping back. “You’ve never said that to me. Never.”
Maddie hunched over beside them, a shaking hand pulling away from her abdomen, drenched in blood. “Evan… please.”
Buck tore his eyes away, stomping down the need to help his sister. “You’re not real. None of this is real.”
“Of course this is real” Daniel frowned, “We’re all real.”
“No you’re not. You’re dead - I failed you and you died.”
“You didn’t fail me, Evan. You were a baby.”
“You died!”
Bitchy-Bobby stumbled over to them, leaning against Daniel’s side with a burp. “He’s right. He couldn’t save you.”
“Oh fuck off! You’re nothing like Bobby! Bobby is a kind, loving Captain. Stop wearing his face!”
“Listen to yourself, kid. You’ve officially lost it.”
Buck let out a yell of frustration. “I don’t have time for this! Christopher needs me and I need to tell Eddie that I love him!”
He stomped his foot, ground shaking with the impact. Buck stumbled, ground opening up in front of him.
He stared, everything within him screaming against jumping into the abyss.
“Hey!”
Buck looked back up, corridor now empty, bar one person. It was Chris, older now and smiling. “It’s gonna be okay kid.”
With a nod, Buck leapt.
-
It was subtle at first.
A slight twitch of a hand against Eddie’s cheek. A stutter amongst steady breaths. Fluttering of the eyes.
Eddie didn’t look up from his current intense study of Buck’s hand - ever since the tube had been removed and Buck had taken his first independent breath he couldn’t find it within himself to look at his chest in fear the breaths would stop again - until a change in the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor had him whipping his head up.
He froze as he registered what he was looking at. Buck’s blue eyes met his, holding him steady in his gaze.
“Buck?”
He blinked, a slow mundane movement, but it lit something within Eddie.
He righted himself immediately, crowding towards Buck, hands flying up to cradle both sides of his face.
“Buck. Oh my god Buck.”
“Eds.”
A laugh of pure relief spilled from Eddie’s lips as he tilted forwards, resting their foreheads together. “You did it. You fucking did it.”
“Y’r not jus’ friend fr’m work.”
The words were slurred, but clear enough that Eddie made a small questioning noise.
Buck tried again, frowning slightly at the lack of control he had over his mouth. “Love you.”
Eddie pulled away, the motion pulling a confused whine from Buck, only settling when Eddie remained very much within reach. Tears steadily streamed down his face, Buck’s eyes half-lidded as they traced over every visible inch.
“You - I was supposed to - you asshole! I had been working up to saying that this whole time and you just -“ Eddie cut himself off with an incredulous laugh. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Buck smiled, pure and bright, eyes dropping to Eddie’s lips with a burning intensity.
It pulled a snort out of Eddie. “As much as I want to kiss you, Buck, I’m not doing that ‘til I know you’ll be able to take it.”
Buck frowned, but acquiesced, lifting his hand up to attempt grabbing at Eddie’s t-shirt.
“I’m not going anywhere.” he promised, pressing the call button.
“Ever?”
“Well - I’ll go to get Chris at some point, but I’ll bring him right back here.”
Buck nodded shallowly. “Good.”
Their little bubble burst as the door swung open, nurses rushing in and performing checks. Eddie made sure to text the group chat to let them know Buck was awake, and soon the room was full of their 118 family.
Eddie kept his promise, staying right by Buck's side as their family fussed over him, never straying from his eyeline. It was only when Carla arrived with Chris that he moved, helping Chris back on to the bed and reclaiming his place by Buck.
"Hey superman," Buck grinned, lifting his hand for a shaky fist bump.
Chris ignored it, falling forwards into Buck's chest, curling around him with all the clumsiness of an upset child. It must have hurt, with aching scars and bruises from CPR, but Buck didn't make a single sound.
He just held Christopher close, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, and locked eyes with Eddie.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley
Whumptober alt.1 : jealousy
Summary: Eddie's POV of this fic. When Buck suddenly starts appearing happier after the lawsuit, Eddie's jealousy threatens to undo him.
Word count: 9,125
-
Seeing Buck miserable wasn’t something that Eddie enjoyed.
Buck was sunshine. He was joy, smiles and laughter. Seeing him in any other state came with an intense feeling within Eddie’s gut that drove him to try and fix whatever was wrong - to save Buck from tears.
After the first few shifts at the 118 Eddie’s place as Buck’s protector had been cemented, in and out of the workplace. He was the one people came to when they were worried about Buck, he was the one who held Buck when he cried. It was a role that Eddie cherished, so when it was ripped from him on a random afternoon as he sat across from Buck in a boardroom, he felt unmoored.
It felt like an attack, and as Shannon’s death was used against him as ammunition Eddie felt something within him crack. Defences rose tall as mountains around him, trapping any emotion he had for Buck firmly outside. Hurt flipped into anger, always an easier feeling for Eddie to hold on to, and he let it drown him.
When Buck tracked them down in the grocery store Eddie didn’t have it within him to pretend everything was fine. He was exhausted from spending the night comforting Chris through multiple night terrors, which was only made worse when the one thing Eddie could think of to make it better was Buck. He couldn’t have Buck, not anymore, and so seeing him approach like nothing was wrong had sent him over the edge.
“You’re exhausting” he had shouted, and Eddie watched as the words landed, sharp and vicious.
Suddenly this rage within him found a sick satisfaction in the way Buck’s light had been dimmed - physical tangible proof that his life was worse without Eddie in it. It was horrifically addicting.
So, on Buck’s first day back to the 118, Eddie kept his distance. He stopped talking every time Buck walked too near, refused to look in his general direction, scoffed at every attempt the man made to act like everything was normal.
Buck eventually stopped trying, disappearing during meal times and avoiding common areas, and Eddie convinced himself that he was glad Buck was feeling the repercussions of his actions.
The pit in his stomach was bottomless, and every time that Eddie said or did something that made Buck shrink just that little bit smaller he felt that pit get impossibly deeper. He just couldn't seem to stop - he was drowning and he was dragging Buck down with him.
-
All that to say, when Buck was suddenly happier it threw Eddie off.
It wasn't a big change, but Eddie knew Buck to a concerning level. He could detect the beginnings of a headache from an eyebrow twitch, so the subtle looseness of his shoulders was practically screaming at him when he clocked in for his shift.
Eddie itched with the want to interrogate him - to know what, or who, had him feeling happier - but the very thought of actually speaking to him, of looking into the eyes of the man that he had been ignoring for weeks, was so overwhelming that he pushed the idea aside instantly.
Instead, like a creep, Eddie watched him.
Buck kept to himself as usual, head bowed as he went through his chores. He was silent, something that should have made the firehouse feel eerie, but it was an adjustment that he felt sorry to say he had gotten used to since Buck’s return.
He hadn’t heard a Buck research monologue in months, though he remembered the last time with painful clarity: Buck had lit up as he talked about the etymology of common phrases (he had been particularly enthused by the middle age origin of ‘to give a cold shoulder’ - the irony of which was not lost on Eddie).
That shift during dinner Eddie heard Buck's ringtone blare out from downstairs, a frown instantly marring his face.
Everyone that could be calling him (barring Maddie and Athena who he knew for a fact were both currently working) was up in the loft with him.
Curiosity gnawed at him, watching Hen with relief as she went down to check on him.
"He said it was a friend," she shrugged upon her return, "and that he wasn't hungry."
"It's not like we want him eating with us anyway," Chimney spat, "I wouldn't want anything I said to be used against me again."
Beside him Bosko frowned, but said nothing.
Eddie murmured his agreement, but his brain was buzzing. A familiar green-eyed monster reawakened deep within him, starving and angry.
It prowled as he forced himself to finish his meal, impatient. It supplied a myriad of reasons why he would be in such a rush, each option worse than the last.
Eventually he became fixated on the idea that Buck had a date, an idea so horrific that for a moment Eddie genuinely wasn’t sure if he was going to vomit or not.
The monster roared.
Anger quickly swelled to replace any doubt, seething at the idea that Buck was finding any joy with another person - that he could possibly share the warmth of his smile with a stranger after he had left Eddie out in the cold.
At the end of that shift Eddie watched as Buck rushed out the second their time was up, a deep-set frown on his face as he clenched the metal railing.
-
The cage fights did little to siphon the anger that filled him.
On bad days he would feel so full of it that his skin would ache, too focused on holding himself together that he would go very quiet at work. No one seemed to notice - or if they did, they were making the choice to give him a wide berth.
Eddie was finding that most of his days were bad days recently.
The bruises that he got from the fights helped to keep him grounded, serving as proof that he was still here, still breathing, still human.
It was his personal penance, a deal between him and God. Eddie didn’t deserve soft things - had proven time and time again that he destroyed any good in his life - and so the only physical contact he deserved was rough and callous, meant to hurt.
The pain, though temporary, was one of the only things that could distract him from the thoughts of Buck and his new ‘friend’.
His chest felt tight every time his thoughts wandered into the minefield that was Buck’s life. He felt insane, a near-constant lump in his throat that grew each time he thought too hard on it, his brain creating an endless supply of scenarios of what (or who) Buck could be doing at any given point of the day.
-
Eddie poured all of his leftover energy into being there for Christopher. His son needed him more than ever, though with that need came more attitude.
He had dealt with tantrums before, especially during the early months after Shannon left him with a toddler in El Paso, so he had some idea on how to weather them. The pleas for Buck were the thing that broke him.
Once when Chris had been particularly mean, screaming that it was Eddie’s fault that Buck didn’t want to come around anymore, he had to leave the room. Everything within him stung, and it took all of Eddie’s conscious effort to withhold the words that raced around his head.
“I miss him too.” He wanted to shout. “I hate that he’s done this to us. I hate that I can’t see him. I hate that he’s moving on and we’re stuck here waiting-”
Eddie was a father - a single father at that - so he didn’t have the luxury to stay away. So he screamed into his pillow, calmed himself enough to face Chris again, and tried his best to let his kid’s anger roll off of his back.
-
After a particularly long four-alarm fire that had interrupted their usual meal time, Eddie was so ready to eat something that he had followed the masses up to the loft without checking that Bosko had come with.
When she didn’t join them at the table he frowned, knowing she had been starving - had heard no end to it on the drive back to the station - so as a good work partner he went to find her.
She had probably gone to wipe the grime off from the call so he rushed over to the bathroom, calling out her name as he pushed the door open, promptly freezing as he caught sight of Buck.
Buck had been crying, his face a mess and his hair rumpled from running his hands through it anxiously.
Eddie felt his face turn blank as he bit down the overwhelming urge to kneel by his side and tug him into a fierce hug, instead muttering something to Bosko and whirling around and out of the room before he could act upon it.
They made it up to the loft before she spoke.
“You’re being a dick.”
He flinched at Lena’s words, “What?”
“All of you. To Buckley. You’re being dicks.”
“Bosko,” Cap warned, voice stern, “Careful with your language.”
“Sorry Captain Nash, but it’s true. I haven’t wanted to say anything when working under you - I don’t know how you run your house and I would never try to jeopardise anything, but before I leave I have to be honest. You’re being cruel to him.”
“He sued us!” Chimney shouted, throwing down his garlic bread on to his plate to free up his hands, “He sued this whole department!”
“He sued Bobby.” She corrected, pointing at him. “I don’t know why, but there must have been a good reason. He loves this team, anyone with eyes can see it! Why else would he stick around when all of you have been treating him like nothing better than a house cleaner for the past month, huh?”
“Firefighter Buckley should not have been cleared for duty -“
“But he was! Cooper said he was cleared by the department.”
Hen’s face slackened, eyes flitting between Lena and Bobby. “What - so why?”
Lena let Hen’s question sit for a moment, narrowing her eyes. “I don’t know, but what I do know is that there are multiple stations across LA that would be happy to have a firefighter like Buckley on their team - actively on their team.”
“He wouldn’t leave the 118.” Eddie barely recognised his own voice, ignoring the sharp look he received from Hen. “He wouldn’t.”
Bosko grabbed two plates, piling food on to them and heading back for the stairs. Before walking back down, she turned back to address the group as a whole. “Why would he stay?”
-
Bosko’s question looped around in Eddie’s head like a broken record.
Why would he stay?
On one hand, Eddie knew how much the 118 meant to Buck. It was his home, a place he had found the connections he had been missing throughout his life. A place where he could fulfil his life’s purpose amongst those he called his family.
The thought that Buck would leave that was laughable, impossible - so insane that if anyone had even suggested it weeks prior he would’ve asked them if they were feeling okay.
Now though? Eddie could see sense in Lena’s words, and that scared him more than anything.
Buck was being blocked from going on calls - something that Eddie had initially found relief in, but now filled him with such burning regret that he found himself periodically rubbing at his chest as if it would relieve the building pressure.
He wasn’t one to question Bobby’s calls - had never questioned authority, let alone Bobby’s - but doubt had been sowed by Bosko, a seed which only grew the more Eddie reflected on the past weeks.
Eddie had thought that being man behind would be good for Buck, to give him more time to recover from the horrors he had gone through, as well as giving the team some much-needed breathing room after the lawsuit reopened old wounds. It was a good idea, but it just… never ended.
Why would he stay?
The 118 was Buck's family - the man had said as much multiple times, had fought for them, bled for them, cried for them.
But he had been avoiding Buck like the plague - all of them had.
It had been hard at first. Eddie was so used to orbiting Buck like the sun, constantly pulled into his gravity and warmth, that the thought of being apart from him seemed impossible.
Then, his anger had brewed during Buck’s absence from the 118, growing until it rivalled that gravity, becoming a force in its own right.
Eddie was weak to Buck’s eyes though, always had been, so it became self-defence to avoid them at all costs. The easiest way to do this was avoiding Buck, and so began the cold front.
The thing with Eddie and avoidance was that once he started it was very hard for him to stop. He was a pro at compartmentalisation, a skill he had to perfect to survive the emotional battleground that was his childhood. A facet of that which he had never quite learned was how to unpack any of it after the fact.
He knew that was called repression; he knew it wasn’t healthy - hell, he even knew that he was long overdue a meeting with a therapist. But angry Eddie wasn’t logical Eddie, and without Buck to pull him out, he fell further into the well of rage and denial.
Why would he stay?
Eddie ran to the toilet, gripping the porcelain rim as he heaved up dinner.
He didn't know why he would stay.
-
Eddie found himself sat at the Wilson house the next morning, Christopher and Denny happily playing xbox in the next room over.
“I went by his place yesterday” Hen confessed, eyes glaring holes into the tabletop, “he didn’t answer the door.”
“So he’s ignoring us now?”
Hen shrugged. “Nothing that we haven’t been doing to him for the past month.”
Eddie shuffled in his seat, uncomfortable. “Well - he deserves it.”
His voice fell flat, Hen arching an eyebrow at him in disbelief. “Does he?”
The green eyed monster roared. “Yes! He told that lawyer -“
“Nothing that isn’t on public record,” Hen interrupted, frowning, “I checked. We don’t - we don’t even know if it was Buck that told him that. One specific-enough google search brings up pretty much everything he mentioned.”
“Shannon…?”
“Yes. The action report is public.”
“Well - he - I don’t…” Eddie swallowed heavily, looking down at his hands. “Maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to us.”
“I guess… I’m still going to check on him tomorrow.”
Eddie said nothing, but the guilt he had been burying began to bubble once more. Hen said nothing when he went quiet, not because she didn’t care but her eyes had the same glaze that his did, mind running a million miles a minute.
-
That night, Chris curled up next to him on the sofa, tear tracks drying on his flushed cheeks.
His son had been on a high around Denny, a mood that had instantly soured when the other boy mentioned Buck.
Eddie had quickly made excuses to leave, having grown a sixth sense for these meltdowns over the past month, and had bundled him into the car within minutes.
"I don't understand," Chris whispered, clutching at his blanket, "did I make him angry?"
"Wha - no, mijo. No."
“But why - why won’t Buck come ‘round anymore?”
Eddie let out a shaky breath, clenching his jaw. “He just… he needs some time, Chris. Some space.”
His son frowned, “Buck never likes being on his own.”
Eddie’s heart stuttered, another wave of guilt rolling over him. “Sometimes people change -“
“No! Not my Buck. He wouldn’t-“ he broke off as tears re-emerged, stealing his breath. “If he’s on his own he’s sad, dad. We - we can’t let him be sad -“
“Mijo -“
“When we were on the fire truck he said - he - he said that we would always have - have each other. He promised!”
Chris began to cry in earnest, curling into an even smaller ball.
Eddie felt the burn of tears in his own eyes, voice thick. “Sorry - I’m sorry mijo. You’re right, okay? You’re right. I’m sorry Chris.”
“We - we need - to bring him - home!” Chris wailed, latching on to Eddie’s arm with a fierce grip as his chest heaved with the intensity of the sobs. “Buck - I -“
Eddie’s face shattered as he pulled Chris to his chest, rocking him back and forth akin to when he was a baby. Pressing a kiss to the top of his head, he whispered a promise into blond curls. “I’ll fix this Chris.”
-
Eddie glared at his reflection in the car wing mirror, dark circles mocking him.
Dealing with Chris had exhausted him, but even after he had managed to get the boy to sleep he was unable to find peace himself. It wasn’t until two hours before his alarm that he made it to bed, having stressed cleaned every inch of the kitchen, and another hour before his brain had quietened enough to even consider sleeping.
He had just dropped Chris off to school, the LA morning traffic doing nothing to help his mood, when the ringing of his phone distracted him enough to tear his gaze away, Hen's name flashing across the screen.
“He’s not at home.”
“What do you mean he’s not home?” Eddie frowned, swiping the screen to stare at the ‘find my friends’ app. “I’m telling you he’s there.”
Buck had never removed him from the app - whether out of hope or forgetfulness, Eddie wasn’t sure. Some nights he would just open it and stare at Buck’s icon, settling once he knew he was safe in the loft.
“Well, if he is then he’s ignoring me. Again.”
“That’s it - I’m coming and I’m bringing my key.”
“Eddie I don’t think that’s the best -“
“I’m already in the car. I’ll be there in 20.”
As Eddie pulled into the parking lot, he spotted Buck’s Jeep immediately. It was parked in his usual place.
Walking into the building, he stepped past Hen, knocking on the door. “Buck open up.”
At the returning silence, he exchanged a look with his friend before unlocking the door. “We’re coming in.”
His eyes were drawn to the phone on the counter, stepping in as a lick of panic ran through him.
“Buck?”
“Eddie… I don’t think he’s here.”
“No his phone is - his Jeep - Buck!”
Breaths quickening, he went up the stairs two at a time, scanning the bedroom before swinging the bathroom door open.
No Buck.
“Buck!”
As he thundered back down the stairs, Hen looked at him with wide eyes. “Where would Buck be at 9am in the morning?”
“He - he drives everywhere. His Jeep is parked out front.”
“You don’t think…”
“Think what, Hen?”
“The phone calls at work…”
“What - you think he went back to his 1.0 phase?”
“He never wanted to go back there, but if he felt like he was alone…” Hen trailed off, hands clenching at her sides, “he said it made him feel like shit, but yeah. I can see it happening.”
“So you think he could be -“ Eddie cut himself off, not wanting to think about it. “He’s not stupid, he wouldn’t go to a hookup without his phone.”
“Right.”
The two of them stood in silence for a few moments, Eddie grabbing the phone from the table and opening it up.
Buck’s wallpaper was still the same: a photo of Chris at the zoo holding a plush penguin. The sight made Eddie’s heart squeeze, guilt building as he unlocked the phone with his face scan.
There were no notifications, nothing that could tell him where Buck had gone.
“Should we call Athena?”
The words were out before he could stop them, looking up at Hen worriedly.
“I don’t know Eddie, it’s not even been a whole day. Maybe he’s just at a neighbours house?”
“Buck has awful neighbours. The guy next door is a scam artist, and the woman down the hall is an antisocial asshole.”
“Huh?”
“He tried offering her cookies once as a welcome to the building gift and she said that it was embarrassing for a grown man to bake - that it was effeminate or something. He got the kicked puppy look, was weirdly determined to make her like him and I banned him from speaking to her again.”
Hen looked at him weirdly, “Right. Okay.”
“I’m going to call Athena.”
“I really don’t think -“
A familiar voice rang out from the corridor, a soft knock on the half-open door following. “Buck?”
Eddie wrenched the door open, looking at Bobby in shock. “Cap? What are you doing here?”
“I came here to speak to Buck” he frowned, papers clenched in his hand, “why are you here?”
Hen walked over to them, “We’re looking for Buck.”
“He isn’t here?”
Eddie shook his head, holding up Buck’s phone. “His Jeep is in the lot. We don’t know where he is.”
Bobby swallowed nervously, avoiding their eyes. “I … I’m scared he might have done something stupid.”
“What do you mean?” Eddie’s voice sounded dangerous, flat and sharp.
Bobby raised the papers in answer, “He put in for a transfer.”
Eddie froze, Hen demanding to see the papers. As she checked through the pages, her voice dropped to a breath. “He said - at the end of our last shift he said that we didn’t need to deal with him for much longer.”
Rage was much easier to feel than guilt, so Eddie let it spill out with a shout. “And you didn’t say anything?”
“Hey! I came to check on him - I actually spoke to him which is more than any of you have done in weeks!”
That sobered him up immediately, desperation gripping him as he looked to Bobby. “What do you mean you’re worried he’s done something stupid?”
“I think… I need to call my wife.”
“Bobby.”
The captain sighed, looking physically weighed down with stress. “When Buck first joined the 118 he said that this was all he had - I didn’t believe him at first, but …”
Eddie felt sick. “You don’t think he…”
“He’s never been very good at self-preservation, and that was when he thought he had a reason to stick around.”
Hen’s face twitched, the woman running out of the door and down the corridor without another word. Eddie couldn’t focus, Bobby’s words bouncing around his head like a swarm of angry bees.
The two of them stood there, frozen, until the woman’s return.
“I checked the roof. He’s not there.”
The statement seemed simple enough until Eddie thought too deeply about the implications. “He wouldn’t -“
Hen shrugged, a slightly crazed look in her eyes. “I don’t know Eddie! I don’t know what he would do anymore because none of us know what kind of headspace he’s been in! We. Haven’t. Been. There.”
His skin itched, aching for the release that only the cage fights would bring.
Eddie’s fists clenched. “What about Maddie? She could’ve picked him up - he could be fine. He is fine. He’s with Maddie, surely.”
The relief from the temporary explanation was soon dashed as Maddie answered Hen’s call.
“No he’s not here. Why is something wrong?”
“Did he tell you where he was going?”
“No.” Maddies voice sounded tight, and Eddie had the awful realisation that she hadn’t been talking to Buck either. “We - Chimney -“
He could feel vicious words building up in his throat, storming into the bathroom before he could upset anyone further.
Door closed, he gripped the sides of the sink with an iron hold, glaring at himself in the mirror. Eddie had never been great at self-love, but now the hatred he saw at his own reflection was so visceral that it made a muscle in his neck twang.
As the possibility of Buck being in danger became greater, the anger that had been sustaining him vanished, leaving him with suffocating guilt and anxiety that threatened to choke him.
He glared at his reflection even harder, until his vision blurred. Wincing, he pried his aching fingers from the sink and turned on the tap, leaning down to splash cold water on his face.
He needed to keep it together. He needed to find Buck.
-
Eddie wasn’t sure how long he had been in there exactly, but when he came back out it was to carnage.
Hen and Athena - the latter of which must have either made an impossibly quick journey to the loft, or Eddie had truly lost too much time digging his fingers into the chipped edge of the sink bowl - were huddled together over Buck’s phone whilst Bobby paced the length of the kitchen.
Maddie and Chim were stood by them, the woman closed off and teary as Chim tried to talk to her. She ignored him.
Upon seeing him, the captain approached, a firm hand landing on his shoulder. “We need you to think of anywhere he could have gone. I’ve already said the gym and the coffee shop on Third, but you know him best.”
Eddie scoffed, an ugly sound, and scrubbed at his eyes. “I knew him. Past tense. I - jesus Bobby he could be anywhere -“
“You don’t believe that. I know you don’t.”
“I - maybe the…” he trailed off, eyes flitting to Athena, “do you really think he’s in trouble?”
“I don’t know.” Bobby said, jaw tight. “That’s what scares me.”
Eddie let out a long breath, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Do we - if something’s happened… this is our fault, cap. All of it.”
Bobby swallowed heavily, not replying and instead stepping aside to give Chim space to join the conversation.
“Any ideas?”
Bobby shook his head, “Did Maddie come up with anything?”
“Maddie’s… not exactly talking to me right now.”
Eddie glanced at Chim, frowning. “What do you mean?”
“She’s upset about how we’ve been treating Buck at the station.” At Eddie’s flat look, he continued. “I just - I was so angry that he would go after us that I kinda just… I was a dick.”
“We were all dicks, Chim.” Eddie’s voice sounded hollow, surprising even himself. “It wasn’t just you.”
“Well, he’s supposed to be like my brother, so-” Chim cut himself off, shrugging as he scrunched his face up. Eddie pretended he couldn’t tell how hard he was forcing himself not to cry.
Before he could even think about what to do, Athena clapped her hands loudly, gaining the attention of all in the room. “Right, here’s the plan.”
-
They split off into groups: Hen with Maddie, Chim with Bobby, Athena was due into work, and Eddie was tasked with staying home just in case Buck made his way back to the apartment.
He had tried to argue against this, but one sharp look from Athena was all it took to silence him.
So, he was trapped patrolling the boundaries of Buck’s empty apartment and the corridor outside with only panicked group chat messages for company, worst case scenarios swirling around his mind.
They ranged from Buck getting into an accident to being kidnapped and held for ransom. The worst scenarios were darker still, where instead of Buck being hurt by some unknown, he was hurting himself: with a knife, from a rooftop, in the sea -
He would later blame the exhaustion that a day of worrying about Buck had caused for the way he reacted when he saw the man in question stumble out of the elevator, yawning and sweaty and so beautifully alive.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
Buck flinched backwards, hissing as his shoulder hit the wall. “Wha-?”
Eddie could feel his chest heaving with the effort it took to refrain from reaching out and touching him, craving the reassurance that the warmth of his hold would give him. He knew he would crumble the second blue eyes met his own, so he looked everywhere but.
“Your phone and your Jeep were still here. We thought - I need to call Athena.”
“W-why would you call Athena?”
“To call off the hunt for you!”
Buck shifted, hugging himself. “I- No one asked you to do that. Did you - did you break into my loft?”
Eddie frowned, “I didn’t need to break in. I have a key, remember?”
“Well I’m fine as you can clearly see.”
Eddie felt the familiar heat of rage burning low in his stomach as Buck walked over to the door nonchalantly, as if he couldn't see the effort it was taking to look unbothered. The fact that he could continue to hide himself from Eddie boiled that rage over.
“Don’t fucking be sarcastic with me right now.”
“Why do you care?” Buck hissed, whirling around to face him. “Y-you haven’t given a shit in months Eddie. Don’t - don’t pretend to now.”
The growl escaped him before he could stop it, all control gone as he met Buck's eyes. “You were gone.”
“I was out. I don’t owe you or anyone my location -“
Forgotten jealousy flickered back to life.
“We thought you hurt yourself Buck! You put in for a transfer and then disappeared!”
“I was doing you all a favour! You wanted me gone so I finally listened. You don’t get to be mad at me for that.”
The words drowned the possessive angry monster that had taken over, pure unfettered hurt replacing it with the suggestion that his life would be in any way better without Buck's presence in it.
“We never - what - we didn’t want you gone.”
“Oh yeah? So what has the past month been Eddie? No- none of you even look at me at work, you’ve all but iced me out of the station and hey, I got the message. L-loud and clear.”
The panic from the day was well and truly gone, leaving behind exhaustion and hurt.
“Buck -“
“No! I don’t know why you think you can just - just come in to my apartment and yell at me when you haven’t even talked to me in weeks.” Eddie was frozen, unable to stop Buck snatching his phone back. “G-get out.”
Eddie's breath caught. “What?”
“Get - get out.”
The two of them stood for a moment, Eddie internally scrambling for anything that he could say to fix the gaping crater that had cracked open in front of them. The possibility was taken from him as the door slammed in his face.
-
Eddie walked unevenly to his truck, calling Athena as he rested his head on the steering wheel.
“Yes?”
“He’s okay. He just got home.”
“Buck’s okay? You’re sure.”
“Okay enough to kick me out of his apartment, yeah I’m sure.”
“Where was he?” Athena demanded, tactfully ignoring the self-pity in Eddie’s voice. He wasn’t sure if he was grateful or kind of offended - he replied instead.
“Out.” He spat, “Wouldn’t tell me where.”
“Well what matters is he is back now. And he looked alright?”
“Yes Athena he was fine. Limping a bit but nothing - look if you’re so worried why don’t you go and check on him.”
“I’m already in the car, and you need to watch your tone with me, boy.”
“I - I’m sorry Athena. It’s just… it’s been a day.”
She sighed, and Eddie could just envision the tightness of her jaw. “I get that. Thanks for letting me know, I’ll be at his in 30.”
As the call ended, he sat up straight, running a hand over his face with a groan. His emotions were still running rampant, but he knew he needed to get home to relieve Carla.
With a deep breath, he pushed aside his worries and turned on the engine. He would spiral about it later.
-
The next day, Eddie had to force himself out of bed. He had barely slept, tossing and turning as the coldness in Buck's blue eyes haunted him.
In another life, Eddie would have just let himself rot under the weight of his mistakes, but he didn't have that luxury. Rolling out of bed, he forced himself into the kitchen and began on breakfast, glaring at the clock.
He had five minutes before he needed to wake Christopher. Five minutes to stitch himself together - to pretend that he wasn't coming apart at the seams.
He spent those five minutes staring a hole into the kitchen floor, trying (and failing) to think of anything but Buck.
“Mijo, it’s time to get up!”
Chris grumbled the whole way to the bathroom, then grumbled to the kitchen table.
“Good mood?”
Chris levelled him with an unimpressed glare, the beginnings of the teenage years shining through. “It’s a Tuesday. We have a maths test.”
“Oof.”
“Can I just be sick?”
At Eddie’s raised eyebrow, Chris huffed, starting to eat his omelet as he mumbled about the uselessness of trigonometry.
It was only in the car, two minutes away from the drop-off zone, that Chris asked the question Eddie had hoped to not hear.
“Did you… have you spoken to Buck?”
Eddie’s hands clenched around the steering wheel, “Uh, yeah buddy.”
“So he’s coming over?”
“Not - not tonight, Chris. He’s got a… thing. But soon.”
His son slumped in his seat, dejected. “Oh.”
Eddie swore internally, pulling up outside the school. “He said he’s really excited to see you though, bud. He’ll come over soon.”
The lie tasted bad in his mouth, knowing that there was a real possibility that this was just going to make things worse. Not that Buck didn’t want to see Chris - Eddie was positive that he did - but getting him over to the house after the awful argument yesterday didn’t seem too feasible.
Chris was blissfully unaware of his dad’s internal monologue, perking up with a grin. “Really?”
“Yeah, Chris. Have a good day at school.”
“Okay!”
-
Eddie wanted to go over to Buck’s.
The urge gripped him with such intensity that he ended up locking the front door and hiding his phone on a high shelf, just to put obstacles in between him and contact with Buck.
With no shift until tomorrow, he instead committed himself to cleaning the house, top to bottom. It helped him burn off some of the restless energy that threatened to eat him alive, but his mind was still loud.
He was so full of regret. That was one of the few consistencies throughout Eddie’s life. It muddied his childhood memories, overshadowed his marriage with Shannon, constantly reminded him of his absence during Christopher’s first years of life, and now it had fucked up his relationship with Buck which was arguably the strongest and healthiest friendship he had ever had in his life.
On some nights, before the whole lawsuit mess, Eddie could have sworn that Buck and him were teetering on the edge of something new. Something more. Something beautiful.
The what-ifs and could-have-beens just made the regret that much sharper.
Blinking back into awareness, he stopped scrubbing at the coffee stain on the countertop, moving to get his phone down from the cupboard. It was ringing, an alarm to pick Chris up from school.
Eddie let out a breath, vowing to make the rest of the day as normal as possible for Chris. As soon as his son was in the car, he shut his phone down and didn’t turn it back on until the morning.
-
After receiving a text from Bobby to arrive an hour before his shift, Eddie had rushed to drop Chris off at school before high-tailing it to the firehouse.
He was the first one to show up, greeting Bobby at the bay doors.
Eddie knew he looked like a wreck, his lack of sleep evident in his appearance and his voice. “We need to fix this.”
Bobby didn’t look much better, nodding gravely.
“It’s my fault. I just -“ The older man sighed, shoulders slumping with the weight of the world. “I was so focused on not losing another child, that I took away the only joy -“
Eddie averted his eyes as Bobby wiped at his face, guilt burning in his throat. He waited until his captain shifted, patting his shoulder. "We all messed up, cap. He's - he was supposed to be my best friend and I completely iced him out."
Bobby shook his head, taking a deep breath as doors closing rippled from outside, announcing the arrival of Chim and Hen.
“We have today to convince Buck to stay,” he muttered, grimacing, “I cant delay his transfer request more than that.”
“Do you have a plan?”
“I have a hail mary.”
“Good enough for me.”
As the other two firefighters approached, Bobby directed them to his office, out of earshot of B-shift.
-
Eddie sat at the table waiting for only five minutes. He knew that because he was checking the time every three seconds, as if he could suddenly develop superpowers that would bend the very fabric of reality.
Still, when Buck reached the top of the stairs by Hen’s side, he felt his breath catch.
Bobby spoke first, “Buck. I need to start with an apology.”
Eddie nodded along with Chimney, though couldn’t open his mouth to speak.
“We all do” Chim said.
“I…" Buck faltered, looking at Hen before nodding warily, "Okay."
Bobby took a long breath. "I was blinded by my want to keep you safe that I forgot that my duty as your captain does not extend past your time at work. I let my personal bias blind me and I... I held you back from returning to work."
Buck stepped forwards slightly, grabbing on to the back of a chair as if it would help him remain upright as the weight of the words hit him. Eddie’s hands twitched, instinct screaming at him to rush to his side in support. He gripped his own thighs instead.
"I was wrong to do it, and I was wrong to not welcome you back." Bobby continued, clearing his throat as his words began to sound strangled "I set the tone and I should've stopped when I saw how upset it was making you, but I just - I couldn't seem to stop."
Eddie swallowed heavily, unable to tear his eyes away from Buck. The man swayed slightly, as if Bobby’s words had physically collided with him.
Chimney was next to speak. "I was an ass. I'm sorry." Hen hit him in the back of the head. "Ow! What, that was from the heart!"
"Chim."
"I should've heard you out - I just. I got so angry that you could sue us that I didn't stop to think why. I made it hard for you at work, and I made it hard for you to speak to Maddie -"
Buck shook his head at that, voice quiet. "It was my choice not to speak to Maddie. She didn't reach out either, but that wasn't your fault."
"Still. I'm sorry."
Buck just nodded, averting his eyes back down to the table as Hen started to speak. His face was tight, and Eddie envisioned cradling it in his hands, using a gentle thumb to smooth out the lines. His grip on his thighs tightened - he distantly wondered if he would leave a bruise - when Hen coughed in his direction.
Startled, his eyes widened. "I..." It came out as a croak, face heating as he realised he couldn’t speak. All the words that he needed to say felt jammed in his throat, a lick of panic racing through him.
So, he did the only thing he could think of. He got out of his seat with shaky legs, walking over to Buck as the man raised his head. He faltered within arm distance, all confidence gone as Buck still stood defensively behind the chair.
Eddie waited.
Time stood still, breath caught in his chest as he waited for Buck to make a decision.
Eventually Buck stepped aside, opened his arms, and something inside of Eddie snapped. He closed the distance, head finding the crook of his neck as if a magnet pulled him there, tears falling as the encompassing feeling of home settled within him.
Eddie’s eyes fluttered. It was the closest he had been to Buck in over a month, and his body was ravenous for any contact.
"I'm so sorry Buck. For everything. I - I should've had your back." His whispered voice gave out as Buck closed his arms around his back, pulling him closer. “I've just been so angry all the time. I - I'm going to get help. I promise, ok? I just need us to be ok again. I'll make it ok."
“Okay”
It was almost silent, Eddie feeling the vibration on his cheek more than hearing the actual word, but it lit a fire within him. He grabbed on to him, lips brushing the soft skin of his neck, as the team hugged around them.
For one perfect moment, everything felt okay again.
When the team pulled away Eddie knew he couldn’t continue to cling to Buck. It took conscious mental effort to detach himself and move backwards, skin tingling.
He was so in his head, still caught up on the feeling and warmth of Buck’s skin on his, that he hardly heard the conversation going on. His attention was snapped back to the present as Buck’s voice wobbled.
“No - Bobby I’d love to go to a Grant-Nash party. I just have… plans. On Friday.”
Jealousy punched through him so harshly it almost stole his breath away, unable to stop his frown. “With who?”
There were a few seconds where Eddie analysed every inch of Buck’s face, trying to pull any possible clues from his micro-expressions. Did he have a date? Was it the first? Second? Third? Was Buck in love?
Then a shout from downstairs.
Buck scrambled towards the stairs, face stuck somewhere between panic and joy. “I’m fine! I’m sorry I didn’t see the time!”
“Too late!” the voice called back, “We’ve come to rescue you!”
Eddie watched, frozen, as Buck raced down. He felt lost, and looking at the other 118 members he could tell he wasn’t alone in that. Hen was the only one who seemed somewhat clued in, a small smile on her lips as she slowly made her way to the stairs.
“Hen?”
“Just… come on guys.”
-
The one thing Eddie didn’t expect was a group of old people crowding into the firehouse.
They had formed a messy semi-circle around Buck, fussing over him as he smiled exasperatedly, a similar face to the one Christopher made when Pepa paid just a little too much attention to him.
A fondness arose within Eddie at the pure care that seemed to pour out of them. Buck deserved that softness.
“Buck you have been crying?” A short white-haired woman exclaimed, grabbing Buck’s chin and analysing his face. “You said you were fine.”
The man in question flailed his arms, “I am! I am!”
Near the back of the group a portly balding man stepped forwards, fist waving in the air as he yelled. “Who made Buck cry?”
Before Eddie could even think about speaking, Buck called out, silencing the chatter. “Everyone! I am fine. Thank you for coming to check on me but really, I’m okay.”
Bobby, forever braver than Eddie when it came to conversations, cleared his throat as he stepped forwards.
“Buck, who are these people?”
“Uh… cap these are my friends.” Buck smiled, hesitant but bright, gesturing to the group with slight jazz hands. “Beatrice, Martha, Irene, Catalina, Geraldine, Hazel, Rodney, and Millicent.”
Eddie felt his brow furrowing, turning Buck’s words over in his mind. ‘My friends’. Eddie had never heard of these people before - he definitely would have known if Buck had befriended half a care home. It hit him then, green eyed monster shrinking faster by the second, that Eddie had been an even bigger idiot than he’d previously thought possibly.
Buck didn’t have a date on Friday - he had friends. New, old friends, and for weeks Eddie had been losing his mind with jealousy over pensioners.
One of which was now storming over to him, finger raised and scowling heavily. “You!”
Buck called out, “Bea, no -“, but Beatrice was faster.
“You have a lot of explaining to do, young man.”
Buck moved to intercept, halting as Eddie held up his hand to stop him. He faltered just for a moment, making a split-second decision to chase what he wanted.
“I know I have a lot to explain, but I think it’s best if I have those conversations with Buck first. If he’s okay with it then…” he trailed off, looking over her head and catching Buck’s eye. At the softened gaze, Eddie stood taller, confidence rushing through him as he turned his attention back to Beatrice. “Maybe we could talk about it on Friday? I could even introduce you to Christopher.”
The woman looked between the two with a wisp of a smile. “If Buck deigns to bring you on Friday, I look forwards to meeting your son. I’ve heard a lot about him.”
Eddie exhaled, nodding slightly. He had the impression that was as close to approval he would get from her until a conversation was had.
She turned away, walking over to Buck who leaned down to give her a hug, receiving a kiss on the cheek before she walked back over to the group. “Come on ladies -“
“Ahem.”
“- and Rodney. Buck is fine, and he’s still working.”
“Well you can all leave, I want to get to know this man a little better.” A tall woman (Eddie thought she was called Iris? Irene?) winked at Bobby.
Buck stood between her and Bobby, akin to a shield. “He’s married, and his wife would kick your ass.”
Irene quirked an eyebrow, looking at Bobby who just nodded. “She would.”
Behind him, Chim leaned towards Hen, speaking quietly under his breath. “We need to get those two women in a room.”
“You want to witness a murder?”
Eddie snickered, unable to tear his eyes away from Buck as he hugged his friends goodbye, posture relaxed and loose in a way that he hadn’t seen in weeks.
As the firehouse returned to relative quiet, Chimney burst into laughter.
“Buck, you need to tell me how you managed to befriend an army of pensioners.”
Buck shrugged bashfully, “I helped Bea out, and she kinda just… claimed me?”
Hen snorted, “Sounds about right.”
“We’ll figure out another time for our barbecue. They seem nice.”
Bobby and the others made their way back upstairs, leaving Eddie and Buck to stand opposite each other in hopeful silence.
As soon as their eyes met, Eddie’s mind was made up. “Come over after our shift? Christopher misses you.”
Buck lit up. “Please.”
-
As the door closed behind them, Eddie swallowed heavily, hands hanging uselessly at his sides.
Buck shuffled awkwardly, the unspoken words feeling like a physical entity that stood between them.
They didn’t have much time to simmer in the quiet, Christopher shouting from the kitchen.
“Dad?”
Crutches clattered on linoleum floor, speeding up as the boy rounded the corner. “Buck!”
The man fell to his knees, opening his arms up wide for the boy as he ran full speed, an ‘oof’ escaping him as they collided.
“Hi Christopher.” Buck’s voice cracked slightly. Eddie forced himself to stay still, watching the two most important parts of his life reunite. “It’s so good to see you buddy.”
“I missed you so so much! I’ve got so much to tell you, do you remember the whole situation with Henry and Melissa? Well there was a party and he didn’t invite her -“
He allowed Chris’ rambling to fade into the background, eyes fixed on Buck’s side profile. He looked the happiest he had in weeks, eyes shining, nodding along and asking questions as Chris spoke.
He was so enamoured that he didn’t register Carla until she placed a hand on his shoulder, raising her eyebrow knowingly and heading out the front door.
Eventually Chris dragged Buck over to the couch, showing off his newest lego set and demanding that he help with construction. The distraction gave Eddie enough time to escape to the kitchen and start (or rather re-heat) dinner.
The tension was still heavy in the air, thick with words unsaid, but Eddie couldn’t help but feel optimistic about it all.
Buck was in his house, talking with his kid, sitting on his couch. He was here, and Eddie never wanted to let him go again.
Eddie was very aware that his thoughts around Buck were not exactly normal. He had never felt this way about any of his exes, and he wasn’t sure if that spoke to his sexuality, or if it was just what Buck did to him.
He supposed it didn’t matter, considering he couldn’t imagine ever being in a relationship that wasn’t with the man. Eddie could wait.
As the evening progressed, he couldn’t help but watch Buck’s every movement.
He watched as Buck sat through and actively listened to all of Christopher’s ramblings.
He watched as Buck enthusiastically ate abuela’s reheated arroz con pollo, eyes misting slightly after the first bite.
He watched as Buck told Christopher a story from their shift, arms flying around as he re-enacted how Chimney had got stuck on a ladder.
He watched as Buck settled into the couch cushions, looking at Chris with such soft eyes that it stole his breath away.
He watched, and watched, and watched.
By the time he settled Christopher to bed, Eddie felt so full of anticipation that he thought he might explode.
-
Once they had resettled on the couch, Buck finally broke the silence that had been building between them since leaving the firehouse.
“Is everything ok Eddie?”
Taking a shallow breath, he pushed aside all the anxiety and made a decision. If he was going to fix this, he needed to be honest.
“I thought you had got in a relationship.”
Buck blinked. “What?”
Eddie continued. “The phone calls, the sudden improvement in your mood, the way you were rushing out at the end of a shift...”
“Oh. Uh. Nope. Just - just hanging out at a retirement home” Buck laughed awkwardly, looking anywhere but at Eddie.
The avoidance drove him mad, so he moved closer, the side of his thigh now touching Buck’s. Decision made, he allowed his voice to drop an octave. “Do you understand how ridiculous it was for me to be so jealous?”
“Y-you… what?”
“I was blindingly jealous - over - over an old woman.” Eddie laughed, running his hand through his hair.
Buck blinked dumbly. “Beatrice?”
Eddie moved impossibly closer, breath fanning over Buck’s chin as he did his best to restrain from kissing him. “You’re not hearing me Buck.”
“Eddie.” Buck’s breath was hot, fanning over Eddie’s lips and breaking the last facet of self-restraint he had.
“I want to be the one you smile at.” Eddie placed a kiss on Buck’s cheek. “I want to be the one you call.” A kiss on his forehead. “I want.” A kiss on his birthmark. “To be.” Eddie hesitated slightly, lips brushing Buck’s as he spoke his final word “Yours.”
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” Buck whispered, eyes fluttering shut, “I - I can’t if you don’t -“
He looked so beautiful, flushed and breathing heavily. Eddie wanted to ravage him.
“I don’t want to pretend that you don’t make me insane anymore, Buck. I love -“
Buck surged forwards, hands grabbing at Eddie’s hair as he slung his leg over, knees bracketing hips. Eddie responded immediately, hands grabbing at Bucks hips to hold him steady as he licked into his mouth, swallowing all the needy sounds that escaped the taller man.
Eddie groaned, eyes rolling back in his head from the rush of blood that travelled downward, leaving him feeling dumb with want. He had imagined this very scenario countless times, but never did he realise just what a turn on the weight of Buck’s body on his would be.
He had never felt small in his prior relationships, tending to date petite women. In comparison, Buck was massive, a solid hunk of a man who could easily cover him. It was maddening, and he never wanted it to be over.
The thought lanced through him like a hot iron, pulling away from Buck with a wrecked gasp.
“I know this doesn’t magically fix everything,” Eddie said, panting, “but I want this. I want us.”
“That’s everything I’ve ever wanted,” Buck breathed, tears falling from his eyes.
Eddie’s heart stuttered, releasing his iron grip on the flesh of Buck’s hips and gently wiping the tears from his pinked cheeks. “You can have it - it’s yours. I’m yours.”
Buck smiled, though the glee quickly soured into something else, eyes glazing over. Eddie frowned, one hand returning to rest on Buck’s lower back as the other cupped his jaw.
“Hey, where did you go just now?”
The blond blinked, voice quiet. “What if you change your mind?”
Something twisted in Eddie’s gut, lust officially dampened, replaced with gnawing guilt. He knew it wouldn’t be easy and earning his partner’s forgiveness was going to take time, but seeing the pain he caused playing so clearly across Buck’s face made him ache.
When he spoke, Eddie tried to channel as much of the love as he could into his voice - to show how certain he was about this - about them.
“What I feel for you is real. Christopher loves you. Your home is here, with us. That’s not going to change.”
Buck blinked away tears, “You promise?”
“I swear.”
They looked at each other for a moment, but to Eddie it felt like a lifetime. The watery blue eyes captivated him, and he watched as a lifetime played out in front of him - one of joy and laughter, breakfast pancakes with their son, endless factoids and passionate kisses. He wanted it all with Buck: domesticity, partnership, marriage - fuck, he even wanted their ashes to be mixed together so they were one in death.
Vocalising that was too hard - the situation too raw and fragile - so instead Eddie poured everything he could into their next kiss.
It was slower, but no less passionate. Instead of the heat of lust and desperation, he did his best to channel the all-consuming love and gentleness.
As they pulled away once more, foreheads pressed together, Eddie spoke into the space between them. “Will you have me?”
Buck laughed, a quiet fond thing, and tangled his hands into Eddie’s hair. “For as long as you’ll have me.”
“So, forever.”
Buck stilled for a moment, a small whine escaping him as he dipped his forehead to rest on Eddie’s collarbone. “Forever sounds doable.”
Pairing: eddie diaz / evan buckley
Whumptober #6 : medical restraints
Whumptober #7 : “Tell me you’re ok, and i’m fine.”
Summary: In a particularly aggressive warehouse fire, Buck helps Eddie escape. A secret is outed in the aftermath.
Word Count: 2,597
Warnings: major character death, descriptions of injury
“Ed - Eddie? You need to wake up. Eddie!”
Eddie groaned, blinking open his eyes. His PASS alarm was screaming on his chest, so loud near his face that he had to strain to hear Buck's shouts.
“Yes! Oh thank god, Eddie.”
“Buck?” He shifted slightly, the screeching alarm dying out, it cries still bouncing around his skull.
“Eddie you need to get up.”
“What?” He frowned, looking around for Buck and finding only rubble. Before he could complain too much, his eyes tracked black oil seeping across the floor towards him. His head was pounding but he didn't need the full power of his brain to know that oil + fire = boom. “Fuck. We need to move - Buck?”
“I’m fine, I think I’m trapped on the other side of this big chunk of ceiling. I - can you move?”
Eddie forced himself up, reaching for his radio and cursing as he touched broken plastic. "I think I've hurt my leg. My radio's shot - can you radio in?"
"No."
"Okay - fuck - we just need to start moving."
"Can you walk?"
A strained groan escaped Eddie's lips as he forced himself from his seated position up onto his feet. He had definitely received some crush damage to his lower left leg, a sharp and sudden pain rushing through it as soon as he put weight on the limb.
His answer came out as a rush of breath. "Yes."
"We need to get back to the main corridor," Buck reasoned, "the one with the metal slats. It should be out of this room and to the left."
Eddie took a deep breath, chest tightening as he began to hobble towards the doorway. Blocking him in was a large piece of drywall, climbable, but it was going to hurt like a bitch.
“Buck… how’s it going on your side?”
“Peachy!” The sarcasm dripped from his words, though Eddie could hear the smile. “I just love being trapped in burning buildings!”
Eddie laughed, “Make that two of us.”
With great effort Eddie began to climb over the drywall, keeping up a steady stream of colourful language as he manoeuvred his bad leg.
“Damn Eds, you kiss your mother with that mouth?”
Eddie didn’t reply, gritting his teeth as he finally tumbled over into the opening of the corridor, wincing as he hit the floor.
“Shit - Buck you with me?”
“Always. You out the room yet?”
Eddie frowned as he tried to figure out where Buck’s voice was coming from. It sounded no quieter than it had in the last room, but before he could think on that too hard Buck was speaking again.
“Eddie? Dude talk to me.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m out. Not feeling too good though if I’m being honest.”
“You’re injured?”
“Just my leg.” Eddie forced himself to his feet, finally taking in the state of the room he was in. “We have bigger problems in here. The door separating us is blocked.”
“I - I’ll figure it out. Just head on I’ll be right behind you.”
Eddie started towards the door, frowning. “No! Are you crazy? I’m not leaving you.”
“Okay! I- I know you wouldn’t I don’t know why I - just - give me a minute to think.”
A sudden shake unbalanced him, bad leg twisting awkwardly. “Floors unstable, careful Buck!”
Grasping at the wall to right himself, a sob of frustration built up in his throat, knee weakening as a particularly strong wave of pain clattered through him. His vision whited out for a moment.
"I - Buck -" His voice didn't come out as anything stronger than a whisper, eyes falling shut as he did his best to breathe through the pain.
"Eddie."
His eyes flew open, Buck standing right in front of him, turnouts grey with dust.
"How did you -" he turned to look at the caved in doorway, Buck blocking his view. "The door -"
"I kicked it in - we don't have time for this we need to move."
Eddie shook his head, eyes hungrily tracing over Buck's entire body. "Are you hurt?"
Buck offered him a little smile, shrugging. "Neck hurts like hell."
"I should check -"
"Eddie, as much as I appreciate the thought, we need to get out of here before that oil catches fire. Burned to a crisp beats an achy neck. Are you okay to move?"
It made sense - of course it made sense. Eddie nodded, doing his best to shake off the feeling of wrongness that sat uncomfortably in his throat.
“Yeah I can move. Just might be a bit slower than normal.”
“Progress is progress. Let’s go.”
The two of them moved through the open doorway that lead them out to the main warehouse, staircase now in view.
Fire blazed on the far side of the warehouse, thickening the air with black smoke. Eddie eyed the metal walkway, trying to figure out if they could make it before the fire reached them.
Buck grunted, leaning heavily against the wall. “Not gonna work, Diaz. Need to go the other way.”
“You don’t know that!” Eddie shouted, desperation seeping out of his every pore, “That’s the quickest way -“
“You know as well as I do that whole walkway will collapse before we make it halfway across. You’d have better luck skydiving without a parachute.”
The bizarre phrase was enough to take the fight out of him. “Where’s all your Buckley positivity gone, huh?”
Buck huffed a laugh, mumbling under his breath. “Apparently you’re not feeling too positive right now, buddy.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Now move. We’re going this way.”
Eddie would trust Buck no matter what, so he followed blindly.
It felt like they were moving forever, fighting through the heat and the rubble until they made it to a rusty metal door. An external fire exit.
“Reckon we can make it out this way?”
Eddie let out a victorious sound, “You’re a genius, Evan Buckley.”
“Right back at you.”
Buck flagged behind, letting Eddie push open the door.
He had never been so glad to feel the cold night’s air in his life, a bubble of laughter escaping him as he gripped the cool metal of the fire escape railing.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
-
Eddie stumbled as far away from the warehouse as possible, urging Buck along. As they made it back onto the street, almost in view of the fire engines, the blond brought him to a halt.
“Buck?”
“Eddie…”
The warehouse exploded, the two of them ducking as debris flew over their heads. Screams echoed from over by the engines, Eddie faltering as Buck placed a feather-light hand on his arm.
Eddie frowned, “Are you okay?”
Buck smiled, a small sad thing, and met his eyes. “Tell me you’re ok, and I’m fine.”
“I’m okay, but Buck -“
“I love you. Tell Chris I’m sorry.”
A shout came from behind him, Eddie spinning around to see Chimney racing towards him.
“Eddie? Cap! Hen! It’s Eddie!”
“I -“
Chimney reached him first, fussing over him until Hen reached them with a medical bag. The two slipped into their paramedic roles, Bobby looking on with wet eyes, as if they couldn’t believe he was stood in front of them.
“Chim, Hen, I'm fine. You should check Buck. He said his neck was hurting.”
“Eddie..." Hen was looking at him with pity and unshed tears in her eyes.
Confused, Eddie turned, finding only empty space. "What? He's -“ His words cut out, breath quickening at the absence of his best friend. “He was right there. Chim - you must have seen him - he was - he made it out with me.”
“Eddie. You came out alone -“
“No. No! He was right here with me! He -“
Eddie couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think.
Bobby grabbed his shoulder, tear tracks down his cheeks. "Eddie, his PASS alarm - he never moved from that room. We were on our way in when -“
"No! I was - he was talking to me. Cap, I swear he was with me. He - jesus, he got me out Cap! He found the exit - he was right there -"
Eddie was distantly aware that he was hyperventilating, legs giving out as he collapsed into Bobby's arms.
Salty tears fell into his open mouth, a scream ringing through his ears.
The scream sounded as if it had been ripped from someone's bleeding chest, agony resounding throughout.
He couldn’t breathe - couldn’t think - couldn’t -
-
Eddie woke up to beeping. For a split second he could have sworn it was his PASS alarm - that everything was just a bad concussion dream.
The smell of antiseptic doused those hopes pretty quickly.
Bobby was sat at his side, rosary clenched in his fist. Eddie did his best not to move, needing a few minutes without the pressure of acting normal.
When the pressure in his chest grew too great, he opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling, unblinking. “He was there Bobby.”
His captain startled, rosary placed down as he rushed to the bedside. “Eddie?”
“Buck. He was there.”
“You hit your head when you landed. A bad concussion -“
Something in his words rattled around his brain, hope igniting within him for the first time since he escaped that stupid house. If head trauma was what he needed to see Buck, then head trauma he would have.
Without warning, Eddie forced himself upright, lurching forwards to smash his forehead against the metal sides of the hospital bed. He felt faster than he was, Bobby launching himself at him and stopping him from making contact.
“Eddie!” Bobby’s voice was wrecked, a twinge of terror in his tone.
“Get off me! Get off me!” He shrieked, fighting against Bobby’s hold, “I need him! Bobby I need him!”
Nursing staff rushed in, swarming the room like angry bees. He couldn’t calm, barely noticing the tears rushing down Bobby’s cheeks as a severe looking woman injected him with a relaxant.
-
The next time Eddie opened his eyes he was immediately aware that he was held down. A strap was gently placed over his chest, allowing very basic mobility, whilst his wrists and ankles were strapped to the sides of the bed.
Normally this would make Eddie panic. He hated being restrained.
He couldn’t find it within himself to care about such trivial things. Not when he remembered that Buck was gone. Left behind. D -
His brain cut him off before the last word, not allowing him to think that far.
A doctor came into talk to him, asking probing questions that Eddie ignored. He said nothing, wouldn’t even look at him.
At one point the doctor had turned to the nurse and asked to speak to Eddie’s power of attorney. The question punched a noise out of him, tears flowing down his cheeks as the nurse muttered something something ‘deceased’.
Dead.
Buck was dead.
-
Time flowed by in a confusing haze.
“Eddie?”
Turning his head to the side he was met with Hen’s worried face. He blinked, feeling too tired to do anything else.
“I know it might feel like too much… to talk to me that is, but Eddie… we have to tell Christopher.”
The very mention of his son’s name made him shrink in on himself, nauseous. “No.”
If Christopher knew, then it meant it was all real. For the first time ever he was not only glad that Chris was in Texas, he wanted him to stay there. He said as much.
Hen looked scandalised. “You don’t mean that Eddie.”
“You don’t know what the fuck I mean.”
“Hey. I get you’re upset-“
“I left him there!” Eddie shouted, the restraints tugging at his wrists with the force of it. “He - I left him behind. I didn’t have his back -“
“Eddie you thought he was with you -“
“But he wasn’t! He was dead a few feet away from me and I-“ He broke off, eyes widening with panic, chest freezing as reality crashed over him.
“… Eddie?” Hen stepped closer to him hesitantly, concern written across her face.
“He - he was dead.” Eddie stared unseeing at the wall, the sight he had been repressing finally coming to the front of his mind. “He was - his neck. It - oh god, Hen. I was staring at his corpse when I woke up. He never - he never spoke to me did he? He - I can’t do this. I can’t -“
Nurses rushed in again, Eddie frantically whipping his head up to look Hen in the eye before they could knock him out again. The woman looked broken, tears running steadily down her face, hand pressed over her mouth as if she was forcing herself to not be sick.
“I left him there. I left him to burn - I left … Buck … I can’t -“
Eddie’s vision began to fail as Hen stumbled out of the room.
As his body went lax, his brain provided him with a detailed image of Buck’s body, slumped like a puppet with cut strings. Vacant blue eyes missing their spark. Red lips coated with coughed-up blood.
-
“Edmundo”
Eddie blinked to awareness, greeted with the sight of Pepa at the foot of his hospital bed. The pity written across her face was enough to pull a keening noise from his chest.
“Eddito, ¿qué pasó?”
The question made him sob, Pepa rushing to pull him into a hug. It was awkward, stilted by the restraints, but he let his forehead rest on his aunt’s collarbone.
“Ayúdame, tia.”
She pulled him even closer, childish words spoken with such desperation.
“I’m here sobrino, I’m here.”
Eddie didn’t know how long he had cried, but he finally pulled back from his aunt and saw the dried tear tracks on her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
“No, you do not apologise for mourning, ¿entender?”
“Buck - he -“
“I know. I know.”
Eddie shook his head, trying to clear the image of Buck’s body from behind his eyelids. “I don’t know what to do.”
The whisper hung heavily in the air, Pepa placing a comforting hand on Eddie’s cheek.
“When mi esposo died… I was a wreck. Mama helped - your abuela, she picked me back up. I leaned on mi familia. I know things are tense with your parents but you have family that love you. You have people here in LA.”
“Buck wasn’t… we weren’t -“
“But you loved him.”
The statement choked him, the possibility of what could have been wrapping around his throat in a vice grip. All he could do was nod.
“He knew that, Eddito.”
“How?”
“The life you gave him, with you and Christopher? He knew, and he loved you too.”
“Pepa…”
“Our Evancito wouldn’t want you to fade away. He would want you to carry on. To live for him.”
“I can’t -“
Her face hardened, determination set in every line. “You’re a Diaz, Eddito. We are strong. We brave the storms.” She softened again, thumb brushing a stray tear away from under his eye. “You take this time to fall apart. You’ve survived before, y sobrevivirás a esto también”
He let out a shaky breath, nodding minutely. Pepa pressed a kiss to his hairline, moving away to sit on the chair by his bedside. “One step at a time, but today you mourn.”
Permission given, Eddie averted his eyes to the ceiling and let the rest of the tears fall.
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley, evan buckley & christopher diaz
Whumptober #5 : phobia
Summary: 5 times Buck helped Chris with trauma related to the tsunami + 1 time Chris helped Buck
Warnings: panic attacks, mentions of minor self harm
-
1.
Buck was still in a state of shock as Eddie walked towards the door, Christopher safely sat on the couch. It had been less than 12 hours since he had seen them last, battered and bruised in a tent.
“Oh and one last thing - he hasn’t had a proper shower. That was a fight I wasn’t going to pick last night, and to be honest it looks like you haven’t either.”
Buck shuffled uncomfortably, scratching the back of his head. “Y-yeah I guess I was just too tired. They held me back for a blood transfusion - didn’t get home til 2 am.”
Eddie’s hand clapped down on his shoulder. “Not judging you Buck, just… you kinda stink.”
“Wh- thanks, man.” Tension dropped from him as he laughed, shrugging Eddie’s hand off.
Eddie grinned, eyes flashing, before shouting his goodbyes to Chris and leaving the two of them alone.
“So, what do you think about a movie marathon, superman? Your choice.”
“Captain America! Do you have popcorn?”
“What kind of house do you think I’m running here? Of course we have popcorn!”
“Yay!”
-
Three movies, a lunch and multiple hot chocolates later, Buck knew it was time to start getting ready for bed. First step: shower.
“I don’t want to.”
Buck blinked, Christopher crossing his arms so severely that he’s worried he might actually bruise his ribs.
“Buddy… do you wanna tell me why?”
Chris sniffed, avoiding eye contact as he mumbled something unintelligible. At Buck’s prompt, Chris spoke again, slightly louder.
“Don’t want to be in the water.”
“Oh,” Buck said, nodding. “I - I get that, superman. To be honest I haven’t… I haven’t had one yet myself.”
“You’re scared too?”
Buck ran his hands over his face. “Kinda, yeah - I’m just… not enthusiastic to be in it again.”
Christopher nodded seriously. “Same.”
Buck took a moment, shifting his weight off of his bad leg. “Here’s an idea. How about I go first. You can sit outside the door and talk to me so that I can be brave. Then we’ll switch.”
“Okay… that sounds alright I guess.”
Pride welled up within him, a smile overtaking his face as he patted Chris’ shoulder.
Door cracked slightly open, enough so that Chris could hear everything that was happening but not enough for him to see into the room, Buck stripped down and stared at the running water with an awful feeling of dread.
Logically he knew he was safe. He was in his apartment, Chris was just outside, and he could make the water stop at any moment by pressing a button.
Internally, he was screaming.
“You ok Buck?”
He broke out of his thoughts with a shaky sigh, “Y-yeah. Just getting in now.”
“You’ve got this!”
Chris’ words pushed him on, stepping under the water. He withheld a gasp, hand flying to the plastic shower chair to ground himself. It was steady, unyielding.
He took a breath.
He mechanically went through the motions of his shower. Soap, shampoo, face wash. Buck elected to ignore his hair routine, skipping the conditioner and turning off the water.
Chest heaving erratically, he stepped out, towelling himself down and throwing his pyjamas on to his still-damp skin.
“See? Perfectly safe.” He announced, exiting the bathroom with a slightly false smile. “Ready?”
Chris looked at the shower warily. “You’ll be here the whole time?”
“Yeah buddy. Right here.”
“And you’ll come in if I need you?”
Buck crouched down, offering his pinky. “I promise.”
Chris hooked his finger around Buck’s. “Okay.”
He limped into the bathroom, door left ajar like before. Buck sat himself down so his back was against the wall, hands resting on his thighs.
“All ok Chris?”
“Um… could you maybe - what’s the weirdest animal life cycle ever?”
So, Buck ranted on about kangaroo births (“the Joeys are birthed when they’re tiny and they climb up the mother and into the pouch where they get big!”) and whale evolution (“I’m telling you Chris, they had legs.”) for the full five minutes it took for Chris to shower, doing his best to keep the boy distracted.
When Chris had emerged, hair wet and slightly shaky but clean, Buck had given him a massive hug.
"Thanks for helping me to be brave, Buck."
It had been said with such a big smile that it almost keeled the man right over, feeling unworthy of such blind faith. He swallowed down the hard emotions that rose to the surface, and helped Christopher over to the air mattress.
He would cry about it later.
-
2.
It was two days after the tsunami when Buck first got a call from Eddie.
Buck was just getting into bed, sore and aching from his head down to his toes, when his phone rang out. He tried his best to ignore the ice that rushed through his veins, and answered with what he hoped was a normal tone.
“Hello?”
“Buck -“
He scrambled out of bed, heading down for his shoes before he could even get his words out. “Eddie? Is everything ok?”
A cry came from the other side of the line. “He - Im sorry to ask you this but do you think you could come over? Please?”
Eddie’s voice was heavy with exhaustion, and if Buck closed his eyes he could imagine him sat hunched on the floor. Another cry rang out, Eddie murmuring something under his breath.
“Of course, I-I’m on my way. Heading out right now. Is - is it Chris? Is he ok?”
“He won’t wake up. He keeps crying out and he won’t wake up -“
“I’m coming Eddie. We’ll fix this. I’m coming.”
Buck made the journey in record time, probably breaking a few traffic laws in doing so. The door was unlocked when he arrived, so he pushed his way in, eyes immediately landing on Chris’ open door.
“Buck!”
The man’s heart stuttered, Christopher’s scream sending him right back to the cold harsh waves of the tsunami. A noise of pure panic and desperation. Buck stumbled forwards, crashing to his knees at the bedside, holding back a wince as pain shot through his joints.
“I’m here superman. I’ve got you, we’re safe okay? I’m right here Christopher.”
He barely registered Eddie, the man backing off to the end of the bed, never straying too far from his kid’s side. Chris turned over on to his side, still trapped by sleep.
“Chris, buddy. Superman I’m right here. You’re at home. Chris wake up for me -“
Chris blinked his eyes open, face still drawn, and pulled Buck towards him. He allowed himself to be moved, resting a hand on the top of the kid’s head.
“The waves -“
“They’re gone. We’re safe. I’m right here, your dad is here too. He’s going to keep us safe.”
Chris searched the room for his dad, bleary eyes finding him sat by the foot of the bed. “Dad?”
Eddie exhaled shakily, sitting up straighter. “Right here mijo.”
“It felt so real.”
The words were barely above a whisper, but they punched through the two men’s chests with a fury.
“I know buddy, and I’m so sorry it scared you, but it was just a dream.”
Chris sniffled, left hand remaining gripped to Buck as his other hand reaching towards his dad. Eddie moved in a flash, Buck shuffling over slightly to allow him to join the hug.
The three of them stayed in that position for what felt like forever, whispered reassurance and soft sobs filling the room.
When Chris eventually fell back to sleep, Buck untangled himself from the Diaz huddle, wincing as his legs screamed discomfort.
“Thank you.” Eddie breathed, unable to tear his attention away from the steady rise and fall of his son’s chest. “He… thank you.”
“I’d do anything for you two Eds, you - I’m just sorry I couldn’t stop it. If I hadn’t taken him to the pier -“
“Don’t.” A hand grabbed his, squeezing. “Just don’t.”
Buck’s heart thumped heavily against his ribs, so hard it almost cut through the silence. ‘I’m yours’ it yelled, ‘anything, everything is yours’.
Eddie didn't let go.
"We should think about getting him some help."
Eddie nodded, "I was talking with Bobby and he said he could see what LAFD therapists were good with kids."
"Good. That's good." Buck was scared to move, not wanting to disrupt the fragility of the moment.
Eddie was the one to move, though he kept his hold on Buck's hand, adjusting the two of them so that their backs rested against the wall and they were pressed together shoulder to hip.
They fell asleep like that, hands intertwined, protecting Chris from the dreams that threatened to disturb him.
-
3.
Buck hadn’t moved from his sofa in an entire day, Eddie’s words from the grocery store still ringing around in his head.
He missed Christopher every day, but the way Eddie had spat his insults made it that much clearer that he wasn't going to be allowed to see the kid again.
It didn’t help that despite the anger being aimed his way, Buck could see that Eddie was just hurt. He had done that to him - to them - and it made his chest ache.
He wasn't expecting the call from Carla, mind racing through a long list of worst-case scenarios in the few seconds it took for his body to react.
"C-Carla? Is everyone ok? What's - who-"
"Everyone is alive Buck, breathe."
He took a steadying breath, "Okay. I - hi Carla."
"Hi Buckaroo. I'm sorry to be calling you out of the blue, but I need you to come to the house."
"Wha- huh?"
"Eddie is at work and -" she cut off, a sob that Buck would recognise anywhere echoing through the tinny speaker.
"I'm on my way."
He swallowed down the nausea as he followed the route to Eddie's house, guilt choking him. It had been weeks since he had stepped through the front door, and knowing he was there without his best friend's knowledge was enough to make him pretty shaky.
Chris needing him overruled everything though, and so he raced into the house without hesitation, skidding to a halt in front of the boy and almost crashing into Carla.
"Chris? Hey, superman. I - It's Buck, buddy. I'm here."
"Buck?" he wailed, tilting forwards and almost off of the sofa into waiting arms. Chris' fists bunched up the fabric of his shirt, holding him so tightly Buck found it a little hard to breathe.
"School sent him home. He was sick in class." He met Carla's eyes over his shoulders, question clear. Buck had seen Chris when he was ill before, had cared for him even, and he had never been this distraught. She continued. "They were learning about natural disasters, and they played a video."
His stomach clenched, shushing Chris as another wail escaped him, beginning to rock him side to side. “Oh buddy, I’m so sorry. Do you wanna talk about it?”
“No!”
Chris careened further forwards, Buck moving to accommodate, ending up sitting cross-legged so that he could let Chris fall into his lap. Realising what he was doing, Chris let go of his top and locked his arms around Buck’s neck instead.
“Okay, okay. That’s alright. I’m not going anywhere Chris. I’m right here.”
As Chris sobbed on to his shoulder, Buck kept up the murmurs of reassurance, Carla retreating to the kitchen to clear up the leftovers from lunch.
When the tears finally started to decrease, Buck attempted to unhook Chris from around his neck. The motion was not received kindly, tears threatening to ramp up once more.
“I’m not going anywhere Chris, I just need to see your face okay? I need to make sure you’re okay.”
Chris sniffled, loosening his hold so that Buck could pull away just far enough to see him. With a gentle hand, he wiped the tears from Chris’ face.
“There’s my superman.”
Chris breathed in, chest still stuttering from the force of his earlier sobs, and attempted a smile. “Hi Buck.”
“You’ve been so brave today, Chris. I’m really proud of you.”
“They just - I wasn’t ready to see it -“
“Chris you survived something so scary, it’s understandable that being reminded of it makes you panic.”
“It was so embarrassing, Buck. I - I threw up.”
“Everyone has thrown up before bud, no one’s going to blame you for being ill, okay?”
Chris nodded tearfully, “You… you’re staying?”
“U-until your dad comes, yes.”
Hands grabbed on to him again, nails biting into the flesh of his bicep. “No! You have to stay ‘til bed. I… I need you to tuck me in.”
Buck swallowed heavily. He was weak when it came to Christopher, but Eddie had made it clear that he didn’t want to be around Buck anymore. There was a very fine line in between being called over for a crisis and overstaying his welcome.
“I- ok buddy. Whatever you need.”
-
Hours later, Buck could feel Eddie’s sharp gaze boring into the side of his cheek, though he refused to turn around and look at him.
He kept his focus on Chris, the boy finally calm but still holding on to Buck’s arm with a vice grip, as Carla brought Eddie into the kitchen. He had managed to transfer himself and Chris up on to the sofa about an hour ago, the boy now sat in the space beside Buck.
“Should we put on an episode of a documentary, superman?”
“I’ve been waiting for you to come over to finish that Sahara one we started.”
He winced, glad Chris couldn’t see the hurt on his face, putting all the positivity into his voice. “Thank you! Yeah let’s put that on shall we?”
He navigated to the episode quickly, turning up the volume to a level where they could no longer hear the whisper-discussion in the kitchen.
“How big is 9.2 million km?” Chris asked, settling against Buck’s shoulder, hands slightly loosening.
“It’s almost the same size as China.”
“A whole country?”
“Yeah! Did you know that the Sahara actually takes up almost 8% of the land on Earth?”
Chris gasped, then laughed as the narrator on the documentary parroted that fact.
Buck tensed as he felt Eddie step back into the room, the man coming to sit on the other side of Christopher.
“Hi mijo, I heard you didn’t have the best day today?”
Chris wilted, shaking his head. “It was bad, but then Buck came and he made it okay.”
Buck could feel the tears building in his eyes, turning his head so that he didn’t have to look at either Diaz. All that he could hear in that was all the times Buck hadn’t been here - and how he wouldn’t have been if Eddie wasn’t on shift.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Buck’s staying, right?”
He blinked the tears away, slapping a smile on his face as Chris turned to him. “It really should be up to your dad -“
“No you said you weren’t leaving!”
“Okay - okay Christopher I’m sorry. I just - it’s your dad’s house -“
“You never had to ask to stay before” Chris argued, frustration evident, “It doesn’t make sense.”
Buck was conflicted, finally looking up at Eddie for help. His face was unreadable, but as Chris turned back to him with something akin to desperation written across his face, Eddie spoke.
“Buck will stay until you go to bed.”
"See, Buck? I don't see why you made such a big deal out of it." Chris huffed, settling back into his side and facing his dad, "Mr Green was talking about nature and disasters, and he -"
As Chris' face scrunched up, Eddie placed a hand on his son's shoulder. Buck's neck burned as he realised this was the closest the two had been in weeks. They waited a few moments for Chris to speak again, Eddie stepping in when he didn't.
"Did you tell your Buck?" Chris nodded. "Can he tell me?" Chris nodded again.
As Eddie turned his eyes to him, Buck swallowed heavily. "Uh - they were learning about natural disasters. Footage of a tsunami was showed." He mouthed the rest so that Chris wouldn't hear, "he threw up in the classroom."
Eddie nodded solemnly, ducking so that his face filled Chris' vision. "I'm sorry Chris, that sounds like it was very scary."
"Yeah."
"I'll tell you what, since you were so brave today you can choose what we're having for dinner."
Chris brightened immediately, demanding pizza and beginning to fill in his dad about the documentary they had been watching.
The rest of the evening was stilted, Buck feeling like a stranger in a place that he once considered a home, so unsure of what he was allowed to do that every single movement and word was second-guessed.
Chris was blissfully unaware of the tension, just happy to have both men together once again. His voice soothed Buck, every hard-won laugh filling him with a sense of achievement.
By bedtime, he was knelt by Chris' bedside, hyperaware of Eddie stood just one step behind him. It was close enough that if he concentrated hard enough, he could feel some of the heat radiating from him.
Buck did his best to ignore him, focusing all of his energy on the kid in front of him.
"I've missed you Buck" Chris whispered, comforter tucked under his chin, "where have you been?"
"I... I got hurt, buddy, and I made a mistake."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm better now - or I'm getting there."
"Have you said sorry? For the mistake?"
Buck dug his nails into the flesh of his bad leg to stop the tears stinging at his eyes, offering a small smile. "Yeah superman, but it was a pretty big mistake."
Chris frowned sleepily, "I hope you get forgiven soon Buck. Dad and I need you."
Buck didn't reply to that - couldn't. He pressed a kiss to Chris' hairline instead, rising to his feet and leaving the room so that Eddie could finish settling him in.
For a split second Buck considered waiting for Eddie to come out, to try and have a conversation. The thought was quickly dismissed as he remembered how he had been yelled at yesterday for trying to force his way back into the 118, and by extension Eddie’s life.
He couldn’t overstep that line and make him uncomfortable in his own house. He wouldn’t.
Buck slipped his shoes on, escaping the Diaz house with tears finally falling down his cheeks.
-
4.
"He wants you to come with us," Eddie said, offering the olive branch. Buck was so happy that he would have agreed to anything there and then, saying yes before the other man had finished his sentence, "they're going to the beach."
Buck’s breath caught, “Oh?”
“To be honest Chris has been anxious about it, so he wants us both there.”
“Right - that makes, uh, makes sense.”
Eddie’s brows furrowed, “Buck?”
“Yeah? No I mean of course I’ll be there. If Chris wants me there I’ll be there - so, yeah. If you - you can send me the details.”
Eddie looked at him weirdly, "If you don't want to -"
"I want to!" Buck interrupted, hands clenching at his sides, "I - I want to be there. I will be there."
Eddie shrugged, and Buck felt a stab of pain. Before, Eddie would have been able to see through his fake smile and to the panic underneath. It wasn't a skill someone could possibly lose so quickly, so the only explanation Buck could land on was that Eddie just didn't care to look anymore.
He had broken the ease between them, and now he needed to man up and deal with the consequences.
If that means forcing himself into a situation he definitely wasn't ready for in order to prove to Eddie that he was serious about fixing their connection, then that is exactly what Buck would do.
-
Buck held his breath as his feet hit the sand, now the closest to the ocean that he had been since the tsunami. It was an annoying thing that his brain had been doing since turning down the road that led to the beach, announcing every inch closer to the water as if Buck wasn’t already acutely aware.
Before he could move, Buck took a deep breath. He had always loved the beach, loved the unpredictability of the waves as he surfed and the weightlessness that came from bobbing in the water.
He tried to pull on that love now, doing his best to keep a smile on his face as Christopher turned to him, babbling on about something that had happened the other day at school.
His teacher was waiting midway down the beach, a small group of children already around her, a few parents stood a little further away. Buck fell back as Eddie registered Chris, slipping both hands into the pockets of his shorts in order to secretly dig his nails into the flesh of his thighs, the pain grounding him.
He watched militantly as Chris joined in with the set activities, making sure to slap a reassuring smile on every time Chris looked back at him. He could feel Eddie’s presence by his shoulder, but the man had been dragged into a conversation with two mothers and Buck was too out of it to pretend to pay attention.
“Buck! Look!”
He knew logically that Chris was only shouting out of excitement, but it went through him like a shot anyway. He was halfway across the gap before he even realised he had moved, crouching beside Chris urgently.
“What is it bud?”
“It’s a moat! You said that medieval castles used those to stay safe right?”
Buck ignored his shaking limbs as he nodded with what he hoped was a reassuring smile, noticing the eyes of the other children on him.
“That’s right superman! They actually date as far back as ancient Egyptians and Mesopotamians, but they were most famous and widely used by those in Medieval Europe.”
“That’s interesting,” the teacher (Buck thought her name was Mrs Miller?) nodded encouragingly, “Henry actually had a question about the effectiveness of moats, didn’t you?”
Buck looked over to the red headed boy, ready to receive a question.
“I mean they look cool but did they actually work?”
“You’re right, they do look cool, and it’s even cooler because yes they actually did work. They stopped attackers from getting too close to the castle walls, and slowed forces down enough to be accurately hit by archers who -“
He found himself pulled into an impromptu history lesson, allowing his love for knowledge to push his anxiety to the side for the moment.
Once he had finished talking, he retreated back to the parents, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly at their questioning looks.
“Just explaining the origins of moats” he shrugged, “you have some really inquisitive kids - it’s a good quality to have.”
Eddie gave him a look, one that Buck didn’t have the brain capacity to decode right now, and turned to the others. “Buck could’ve been a teacher in another life.”
As the attention turned back to the children, Buck crossed his arms across his chest, nails biting into his skin as a particularly big wave crashed against the shore.
Buck focused on his breathing.
An undetermined amount of time later, Chris was tugging on Buck’s top, gaze shifting between him and Eddie nervously.
“You ok superman?”
“The… the waves are getting quite close.” Chris said, voice quiet, not wanting the other children to overhear. His hand remained fisted in the white fabric.
Buck swallowed heavily, nodding. “Do you remember learning about the tide?”
“How the moon pulls at the ocean?”
“Yeah, just like that. Well the tide comes in land twice a day, and it goes out twice a day. This is the second high tide.”
“So… this is normal?”
Buck nodded again, “Very normal.”
Chris hummed, fist loosening. “Promise?”
Buck smiled, offering his pinky finger wordlessly. Chris hooked his own around it, standing taller.
“It’s not that I was scared,” Chris said, “I know you’d save me again. I just - I thought I’d check.”
He turned around, walking away before Buck could argue that he hadn’t saved him last time. Eddie’s gaze burned into his cheek.
He kept his eyes forward.
-
Later that evening when Chris was settled in bed, Buck hesitated by the front door.
He felt frayed around the edges, skin too tight and limbs too heavy. The whole day had taken it out of him, and masking his panic around a bunch of excited children and nosey parents had made him itchy.
Pretending that he was fine whilst sat in the Diaz house was a whole different monster, and it took a lot more energy than he expected. There was something in the air, particularly on the Diaz couch, that made him want to relax. His muscle memory made him want to melt into the couch cushions, to tell Eddie every single thought on his mind.
He couldn’t, so he sat uncomfortably straight, and the second Christopher had left the room Buck remained standing.
That’s where he was now, stood by the front door, unsure of his place in Eddie’s life.
“Where are you going?”
Buck froze, shoulders hunched up to his ears. “Uh.”
“Were you… sneaking out?”
“No!” Buck flinched at the speed and sound of his reply, clearing his throat as he willed his voice to sound normal. “No I wasn’t.”
“Can you look at me?”
Eddie waited patiently as the other man steeled himself, turning around to face him with an awkward smile and averted eyes.
“Uh - hi.”
“Hi.” Eddie crossed his arms, “Are we going to talk about this?”
“About what?”
“Let’s start with today.”
“I- I. Okay.”
Eddie nodded towards the sofa, staring at Buck until the man moved, following close behind. He frowned as Buck sat up too straight, huffing as he collapsed comfortably on to his side of the couch before lifting his leg to nudge Buck backwards and into the cushions.
“Relax.”
Buck scrunched up his nose in an effort to keep control of the emotions that were swirling inside of him, nails biting into the palm of his hand.
At his continued silence, Eddie let out a frustrated breath. “You’re never this silent, man. It’s starting to freak me out.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t do that, Buck. Did - was today so awful? You didn’t have to come if-“
“Yes I did.”
“What?”
“I had to come Eddie. I - I had to show you I was serious about fixing this. Fixing us. I just…”
“Just what? You barely looked at me all day - I had to make conversation with Julia. You always save me from her gossip spiels.”
“I’m -“
“If you say sorry one more time I might scream.”
Buck shuffled uncomfortably, looking determinedly at the floor, hunching slightly in on himself as he forced out the words he had held in all day. “I hadn’t been to the beach since…”
He couldn’t finish his sentence, throat closing up.
“Oh, Buck.” The words were impossibly soft, “You - I didn’t realise.”
The laugh that escaped Buck was half panic, half bitter. “You weren’t looking.” He regretted the words the second they were spoken, back-pedalling. “Not that you should have to - I know messed up and nothing is the same -“
He broke off as Eddie’s hand landed on his shoulder. “I should’ve seen it.”
Buck shrugged. Eddie’s hand didn’t move.
“Are you… are you ok?”
“I handled it.”
“But are you okay.”
Buck tried to laugh, horrified when it came out as a sob instead. He tried to smother it with his hand, but was unable to as Eddie grabbed him by the shirt and pulled.
His sobs were muffled slightly by the mass of Eddie’s chest, a tan hand immediately coming up to stroke through golden curls.
Buck could quite happily never move from this position ever again.
“You were so brave, Buck. So brave.”
“I just stood at a beach,” Buck mumbled, words coming out as stuttering gasps, “It shouldn’t be a big deal.”
“But it is. You pushed through the fear for Christopher.”
“Not… not just for him.”
Eddie was silent. The only reason Buck didn’t freak out was the continued repetitive motion of hand through hair. It was calming, and soon his shoulders stopped shaking.
Tears dried up, he no longer had an excuse to stay hiding in the warmth of Eddie’s chest, extracting himself with a pitiful sniffle.
Eddie’s hand left Buck’s hair, but before he could mourn the contact it landed instead on his cheek, thumb wiping away the last falling tear.
“Stay.”
The one word held so much weight that Buck felt a bit uneven, chest tightening with the pure want that rushed through his entire body. He had dreamed of Eddie saying a variation of that for months - normally followed by clothes being shucked off, not that Buck was thinking about that right now.
He wasn’t.
Mostly.
“Eddie?”
“I mean it. Just… stay?”
“Yeah - of course.”
Eddie smiled, eyes raking up the entire length of his friend’s body, softening dangerously. “Good.”
For once, Buck let himself hope.
-
5.
Buck would never have thought in a million years that he would be lucky enough to say that he was Eddie Diaz’s boyfriend.
He still felt giddy every time he thought about it; he was sure that he had blushed more in the past three weeks than he had in his whole entire life.
Buck had never considered himself to be a religious man, but he was starting to believe in some higher entity purely for the fact that Eddie Diaz’s existence was nothing short of a miracle.
Created by God or not, he made sure to worship every inch of his partner, whispering sweet nothings against every scar, wrinkle and freckle.
In return, Eddie kissed him like he was something precious - like someone to keep. The first time it had made Buck cry, overwhelmed with the pure unfettered gentleness.
There was a sense of serenity that settled deep within him whenever he was with his Diaz boys: a bone-deep belonging, his heart resting with the knowledge that it was held in gentle hands.
It had been almost two years since the tsunami, and Chris had settled massively. His therapist Dr Nims had really helped him, and the boy had grown to not only hold less fear around water, but to actively seek it out.
There were other things that had happened, of course. There had been a world-wide pandemic, Eddie had been shot (something that still kept Buck up at night when he thought too hard about it), Eddie left and then returned to the 118, and Buck wished he could say that was all that had gone on.
Throughout it all Chris had been so strong. Buck was amazed at his resilience, but the worry of when he would snap ate away at the back of his mind. It especially nagged at him when everything seemed to be going smoothly - something that Buck never trusted, not fully.
With things going so well, he had been terrified to tell Christopher about the relationship change, but the kid was so happy that ‘his Buck’ was going to be around even more. He didn’t even seemed shock by the idea that Buck was in love with his dad (Buck was in denial that he hadn’t hid his crush well at all, because really if a 9 year-old could see it how did everyone at work not know? Or did they know? Was it that obvious? He didn’t want to think too hard about that).
-
Of course, nothing could stay perfect forever.
Eddie was covering for Martinez on C-shift, leaving Buck and Chris alone for an entire Saturday.
It wasn’t a new thing, Buck having babysat (not that he ever used that word - Chris hated it and Buck think it discounted just how much joy he got from being around him. They were hanging out, so that’s what they called it) countless times when Carla was unavailable.
What made this hang-out different, however, was the massive storm that was ripping its way through LA.
Buck was going a little bit insane knowing that Eddie was having to respond to calls without him watching his back. It was making him itchy and distracted, to the point that he almost snapped the handle off of a mug he was washing.
“Buck, he’s going to be fine.”
He snapped his head over to Chris, giving him an apologetic smile. “I know he is, buddy. I just -“
“You want to be out there with him.”
Buck nodded, exhaling as he ruffled Chris’ hair with a small smile. “You’re too smart for your own good, do you know that?”
Christopher wiggled away from the hand, laughing as he tried to flatten his curls. “Can’t you do the washing up later? I thought we were going to play Uno.”
Buck raised an eyebrow, drying off his hands on a towel before heading towards the living room. “Oh we’re not just going to play Uno, kid. I’m going to beat you at Uno.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be nicer to me now that you’re dating my dad?”
The question came out of nowhere, Buck choking on an inhale. “Huh?”
“My friend Gemma’s mum’s boyfriend bought her a playstation when they first started dating.”
“It sounds like her mum’s boyfriend was overcompensating.”
“What’s overcompensating?”
“When you go overboard to make up for something - so in this case maybe he wasn’t a fun guy and he thought he needed to buy Gemma’s acceptance?”
Chris hummed thoughtfully. “If I pretend you’re boring will you buy me a playstation?”
Buck thought of the playstation he had hiding in his loft, ready for Christmas, and internally winced.
“No.”
“Boo!”
The two of them settled into their Uno game, a news channel playing in the background as Buck dominated the first round.
-
The panic attack seemed to come out of nowhere.
One moment Chris was laughing and pointing at something on the TV - a news segment about a particularly grumpy cat - and the next he was grasping his chest and struggling to breathe.
Buck crawled over to kneel by his side, “Chris, you’re okay. You’re safe.”
Chris grabbed on to him, eyes wide with panic and mouth slightly open.
“Breathe in with me ok? In for one, two, three-“
As Buck counted, he watched as Chris struggled to follow, fingers gripping on to him so hard that there would surely be bruises there later.
“You’re safe. I’m here. Keep breathing, that’s it. You’ve got this superman. One, two, three -“
It felt like hours before Chris’ breaths evened out, Buck’s hands shaking as he held the boy’s shoulders.
“There you go.”
Chris started to cry, letting go of Buck in favour of harshly rubbing at his eyes.
“Hey, hey, none of that Chris,” he frowned, gently stopping Chris from continuing the motion by moving his hands away from his face, “it’s just me, bud. You’re okay.”
“Can - turn the TV off.”
Buck listened immediately, understanding dawning on him as he saw video footage of an ongoing rescue of a family trapped in a flooded basement. He turned the screen off, stomach twisting uneasily at the sight.
“It’s so stupid -“
“No superman. It’s not stupid.”
His voice raised, “Yes it is! It’s been years Buck! I- I like going to the beach. I like swimming. I -“ he broke off, a frustrated growl cutting through the words. “I should be fixed by now.”
Buck rubbed at his forehead, skin aching from the depth and length of his frowning. There was so much wrong with that sentence, but he didn’t even know where to start.
With a sigh, Buck began. “Christopher, you’re not broken okay?” As the boy went to speak, Buck raised his hand. “No, let me say this. Please. I know it feels like you should be ‘over it’ by now, but I know as well as anyone that trauma can stick with you. You’ve been so amazing these past few years, getting back into the water and trying all these new things. This doesn’t take away from any of that, do you understand?”
“But Buck, you were there and you’re fine and -“
“I still get nervous when I see strong currents in water.” He admitted. “Bobby doesn’t like using me in water rescues if he can help it.”
Chris blinked, “What?”
“Trauma… ok let’s think of it like this. Back when we were cavemen we had to be ready to respond to danger, because there were so many things that could hurt or kill us. To survive, our bodies had a system: fight, flight or freeze. When we saw something that made us think of danger, our brain would send a huge amount of adrenaline so that we could either fight the danger, run away, or be still enough to hide from it. When we were in - in the tsunami, do you remember feeling like your heart was beating really fast but you felt a weird sense of strength?”
“Yeah. I was a bit shaky but my brain felt buzzy.”
“That was our brains helping us survive, by giving us as much energy as it could to make sure we could look after ourselves.”
Chris nodded slowly, “So it was good that it did that?”
“Exactly. The thing is, we’re not cavemen anymore. Evolution happened - I know you know all about that -“
“Got an A on that paper” Chris said, smiling slightly as Buck ruffled his hair.
“Yes you did! The point is, evolution happened and our brains kept that system, but the way humans lived changed - what happened to us was awful, but it was a very very rare occurrence. We’re not exactly having to survive saber-tooth cats or dire wolves that hunt outside of our houses anymore.”
“Or woolly mammoths!”
“Those too! But our brain doesn’t know that. So sometimes when we get really scared, our brains think that we are about to face a woolly mammoth and it sends a ton of adrenaline into our system, but with nowhere to go it makes our bodies go a little bit weird.”
Chris sniffled, “It makes us panic?”
“Yes. It’s - it’s not a failure or anything. It’s your body trying to look after you, to keep you safe. All your work with Dr Nims has helped you process everything that happened on that day, but your brain will always want to protect you because it wants you to be safe. So sometimes, when we see something that reminds us of a horrible thing that happened to us even if it was a long time ago, our brain reacts and does its best to protect us.”
Christopher sighed, shoulder slumping slightly. “I guess… that makes sense. It just doesn’t feel nice.”
“I know buddy, but you know that your dad and I are always going to do our best to be here for you right? You’re allowed to not be ok sometimes.”
“I know.”
Buck smiled, opening his arms in offering. Chris sniffled again, shuffling in to them and resting his head on Buck’s chest.
“I love you, Buck.”
The words were said so quietly that Buck almost didn’t catch them, eyes misting over as he pressed a kiss to the top of his head.
“I love you too, superman.”
-
+ 1
Eddie knew it was going to be a bad call the second they arrived on scene.
A water main had broken inside a water park - which doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, those parks are meant to hold water, right?
The thing is, there reaches a limit of water one pool can hold. Throw in a malfunctioning wave machine and you’ve got yourself a ready-made disaster.
It was chaos the moment they got through the doors, Chim rushing to the side of a lifeguard with a possible broken arm as Bobby began to bark orders. Hen was quickly stolen away to give CPR to a man in his 50s, who upon revival promptly coughed up lung-fulls of chlorinated water.
Buck flinched at the sight, fists clenching and unclenching by his side as they listened to Bobby’s plan.
It only took a minute for Buck to bolt towards the worst of it, shouting as a child caught in the current hit their head on the side of the pool wall. He started after his partner, though wasn’t quick enough to reach him before Buck leapt into the water.
“Buck!”
Eddie could see the exact moment Buck started to panic, unconscious child in his arms as he fought against the current. He saw the barely formed 'Christopher' on his lips, and dived in despite Bobby's yells.
He reached them just as Buck froze up, hand flying to the back of Buck's neck and squeezing hard. The action was enough to temporarily snap his attention back to the present, the two of them struggling back to the sides of the pool, handing off the child to Hen.
"Almost out Buck," Eddie reassured, boosting him out of the water and on to the side before following him out himself.
Bobby was staring at Buck as if he would break, the man hyperventilating on the linoleum floor. Without any word, he shot to his feet and ran out of the building.
“Cap -“
“Go.”
Buck scrambled into the fire engine, chest heaving, Eddie hot on his tail.
“Buck I need you to breathe.”
“I - the water -“
All at once Eddie recognised the glaze in his eyes for what it was: a flashback. Crowding into Buck’s space, Eddie placed a hand on each side of his face, willing him to look up.
“You’re not at the pier Buck. We are in the fire engine. You are safe. There is no threat -“
“I lost him. Eddie - I’m so sorry. I-I had him -“
Eddie shushed him, moving one of his hands to grip at the hair by the base of his neck. “You saved him, you hear me? Christopher is safe. You got him out, cariño.”
Buck whined, leaning forwards until his forehead rested on Eddie’s clavicle. “Didn’t - he - I lost him Eds.”
Eddie hugged him closer, moving so that he wrapped around Buck as much as humanly possible. He knew the taller man found pressure comforting, constricting even tighter as Buck let out an exhale. All the while he kept up the mantra “you saved him”, knowing he would speak until his voice was hoarse.
He eventually calmed enough to breathe regularly, but as Eddie pulled away he noted his eyes were still glassy.
“You need to stay in here until we’re ready to head back, okay?”
It was a testament to how out of it Buck was that he didn’t argue, just melting into the seat of the fire engine silently.
-
Two hours later, they were back at the Diaz house.
Eddie leaned over and unclipped his seatbelt, doing the same for his own before exiting the truck and walking around to open the passenger door. Buck just stared at him, like he was seeing but not really registering what was happening.
Eddie frowned slightly, taking hold of Buck’s hand, guiding him out of the car, through the front door and towards the couch.
“Sit here.” He instructed, placing Buck down, “I’ll be right back.”
A strong hand grasped at his wrist, Eddie shushing him as Buck let out a small wounded noise. “I’m not leaving you. I’ll be one second, ok?”
Buck didn’t look up, but his grip loosened, hands falling limply onto his lap. Eddie took the moment, rushing over to Chris’ bedroom.
“Hey mijo, can I ask a favour?”
“Huh?”
“We… we had a bad call today, and Buck needs our support. Could you -“
Before he could finish his sentence, Chris was on his feet, slipping his arms through his crutches. “How bad?”
“It was a kid, he got caught in the water.”
Chris nodded solemnly, making Eddie’s heart squeeze with the maturity. The two of them rushed back over to Buck, Chris sitting on the sofa next to him while Eddie knelt in front, hands resting on Buck's knees.
"Hi Buck."
Chris' voice was carefully soft, winning the man's attention immediately. Tears continued to fall passively down his face, but Eddie could see the way some of the tension bled from Buck's shoulders.
When he spoke, Buck's voice was hoarse. "Chris? You're ok?"
"I'm okay, see?"
Eddie breathed in sharply as Chris offered his wrist to Buck, leaving it there patiently until Buck wrapped his fingers around his pulse point, head still bowed.
“You’re - you’re okay.”
It was a statement, spoken to reassure himself, but Chris answered again anyway.
“You got me out Buck. I’m safe. You’re safe… Dad is here too, and he’s going to make it alright.”
Eddie ducked his head lower, putting himself in Buck’s eyeline. “I’m here, baby. We’ve got you.”
Buck breathed in, slow and shaky, and finally lifted his head. His eyes were red-rimmed as he opened his arms towards Chris.
The boy leaned into the embrace immediately, resting his head on Buck’s shoulder. Eddie was quickly pulled in by Buck’s other hand, the three of them curling up on the sofa.
“This is your brain just trying to keep you safe,” Chris said, clumsily patting Buck’s arm, “but you don’t need to be scared because we’re at home and we’re safe. There’s no sabre tooth tiger.”
Buck’s laugh was barely a breath, but Chris brightened exponentially. “Thanks superman.”
“Why a sabre tooth?” Eddie asked, unable to help himself.
Chris, ever the teenager, rolled his eyes and gave Buck a look that clearly said ‘get a load of this guy’. “It’s evolution dad, you wouldn’t get it”
Any offence he would have felt was null and void the second Buck began to smile. So, Eddie sat back and watched his son continue to speak to Buck in a low voice, moving on to vamp about the game he had been playing recently because he knew that Buck sometimes just needed to hear someone he loved speaking to him, something in his chest settled.
Their family was hard-won; a patchwork of trust and tragedy and love. It was precious. Sacred.
When Eddie thought about the ring hidden in his truck he didn’t feel any anxiety. Instead he felt… he felt ready.
He pressed a kiss to Buck’s birthmark, made a silent promise to himself, and smiled.
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley
Whumptober #3 : isolation
Summary: after the lawsuit buck struggles with loneliness, and starts volunteering at an old people's home.
Word Count: 11,115 || eddie’s POV || pt2
Warnings: bad mental space
If Buck could build a time machine, there are three things in his life that he would change.
The first, and most glaringly obvious, is that he would have marched up to Chase Mackey and slapped the business card out of his hand. He then would scream at past-Buck and tell him what an idiotic move pursuing the lawsuit would be.
If that wasn't satisfying enough, he would go even further back to the truck bombing and position himself in such a way that when the truck went over it didn't just land on his leg. It would be kinder, he thinks, to have it all just be over. To save the 118 the extended guilt of his desperation to hang on to his imagined place in the family.
If he was the most honest with himself though, there was only one true answer for what he would do with his time machine. He would go back to before he was conceived and save the world the trouble of bringing Evan Buckley into it.
Unfortunately he hadn't figured out time travel just yet, and is instead stuck with the usual man-behind duties that comes with being the 118's biggest nuisance.
After dropping the lawsuit, and telling Chase Mackey in no uncertain words that he wished he never saw him and his cockroach face again, the naïve child in Buck was convinced that he would be able to be with his family again.
He would be able to forget how they replaced him so easily with Bosko, to tape over his nameplate like he was an inconvenience. Everything would be okay once he was back in his rightful place, knees knocking against Eddie's in the engine, joking around with Chim and Hen, and cooking with Bobby.
None of that happened.
He was allowed back in the fire station, but there was no welcome whatsoever.
Hen was the only one that could stand to look at him, and even then those looks were few and far between, often with a noticeable nose-scrunch of disappointment.
His words were ignored, often as if he was never even in the room with them, reminding him so strongly of his childhood that after two hours of stilted attempts to make conversation he just closed his mouth and didn't open it again for the rest of his shift.
He was no longer welcome in the kitchen, no longer allowed at the table during family dinners. Not that it was said in plain English - they wouldn't say such a thing to his face - but it was made clear in the way all conversation stopped the second he got too close.
The cold stares and scoffs hurt worse than the silence itself.
Buck began bringing some food in, escaping to the roof during meal times. He never felt very hungry these days, but forced himself to eat the tasteless food nonetheless. He didn't want to give Bobby a reason to call him unfit for work again.
Bosko was still acting as Eddie's partner, and Bobby had placed him firmly as man-behind.
Every. Single. Shift.
The first four shifts were understandable, Buck convinced himself. He had hurt them with the lawsuit, and they needed some time to accept that Buck was back in their space. They didn't need to be distracted on calls.
But by the time the fire engines sped out of the firehouse on his tenth shift, a mop clenched in his fists, Buck knew that he had been a fool to think he still had a place in the 118.
He couldn't even use the common rooms comfortably anymore, having to sneak into the bunkroom for power naps when the others were called out to large fires just to keep himself going through a shift.
If he wasn't doing a menial chore, he was making himself scarce. Hiding in the place he once thought of as a second home, avoiding hateful stares from those he once called family.
Eddie's looks cut him the deepest, feeling physically sick every time he thought about their relationship before he had fucked everything up. They had been teetering on the edge of something beautiful, dancing around the blooming love between them with light steps and smiles full of possibility.
He would never know the feeling of Eddie's lips on his, would never be welcomed back into the Diaz house to help Chris with his homework, would never have another zoo day with his favourite people.
He missed Eddie something fierce, but his chest ached to speak to Christopher again. Buck knew that he wouldn’t understand why he was gone, and at night when his thoughts turned particularly vicious he wondered just what Eddie had told his kid about why Buck wasn’t welcome at the house anymore.
He felt their loss as if it was a physical mass on his chest.
-
His life outside of work was somehow even emptier than at work.
He had abstractly been aware that his whole life was linked to the firehouse - that was the main reason he had gone through with the lawsuit in the first place. He was desperate to get back to the only family he had, blinded by his terror of being alone.
Being aware and knowing, however, were very different monsters. It was quite pathetic actually, how he was able to completely kill his social life in one foul swoop.
Maddie was his only family member that didn't directly come from the 118, and even then he had lost her. She had not talked to him once since the lawsuit began, her last words to him were ones of disappointment and a bullshit statement about staying neutral.
She had chosen Chimney, had chosen the 118.
The problem was Buck couldn't even be mad at her. He understood why she took their side, because why would she not?
He was her annoying kid brother who kept making mistake after mistake, and she was finally in a relationship that she felt safe and loved in. Buck wouldn't ever ask her to give that up for him - he wasn't worth it.
That didn't mean that he didn't selfishly miss her though, sometimes so much he choked on it.
His loft was silent, phone lying uselessly on his bedside table, void of any notifications. He couldn’t even find stress relief in baking as all he could think of was that there was no one to eat the things he made anymore.
Near the end of his first 24 off, Buck had the horrifying realisation that he couldn't remember the last time he had spoken. He tested his voice out, a croaky broken sound, and flushed with shame.
That night he watched a documentary about the adult loneliness epidemic, tears burning down his cheeks. His brain grasped on to the statistics like always (1 in 6 people worldwide experience loneliness, 81% of which report anxiety or depression) and then the tears increased as he realised there was no one to listen to his research spirals anymore.
-
By his fifteenth shift back at the 118, Buck had officially lost all hope of fixing his mistakes.
Any and all attempts at breaching the space in between and his family? friends? co-workers had been pushed aside with such intensity that it was impossible for Buck to ignore anymore.
Eddie couldn't even look at him - in fact Buck couldn't remember the last time he saw the honey brown of his eyes.
He was not wanted here. Not anymore.
Being a firefighter was the only thing Buck knew how to do. It was his life's purpose, and he wouldn't sacrifice that for anyone. If his family didn't want him anymore he would just have to accept it - it was clear now that he couldn't change Bobby's mind, his captain wouldn’t even give him the chance to try, and the others had made it clear what they thought of him.
He survived on his own once; he could try again.
It would be harder this time, now that he knew the addicting feeling of being wanted, but he could start again. Things would never be the same, but deep down Buck thought he didn’t deserve it to be - he had lucked out with the 118, and things like that don’t happen twice.
He never wanted to be a burden, but the longer he stayed and pushed, the more he was dragging out the inevitable. It was a pattern that had been happening since he was a child, but like an idiot Buck always expected this time to be different. It was Einstein himself that declared insanity was the act of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Who was Buck to ignore Einstein?
He was midway through writing up his transfer request papers, all engines out of the station and on their way to a four-alarm fire, when an old woman called out from downstairs.
Buck shoved the papers into his back pocket, rushing down the stairs two at a time. "Ma'am?"
"Oh goodness, ma'am makes me feel ancient. Please call me Beatrice."
Buck smiled and offered his hand, noticing a steadily bleeding cut on her left leg. "Hi Beatrice, I'm Buck. Can I ask what happened?"
She accepted his hand, following him over to a chair. "Old age happened, dear. Cracks in the pavement."
Rushing off to grab a med kit, he returned to her side, kneeling down as he pulled on a pair of medical gloves. "I-It doesn't look too deep, but I'll clean it up and apply gauze if that's ok?"
"If that's not too much hassle. I'm sorry, I would have just gone back to my home but the fire station was right there."
"That's what we're here for Beatrice," Buck smiled up at her encouragingly, ripping open an alcohol wipe. "Little sting."
Beatrice watched him closely, humming slightly as Buck pressed the gauze over the cleaned wound. "Am I going to survive, doc?" She asked teasingly, "Or am I going to lose the leg?"
A small laugh ripped it's way out of Buck, surprising himself. "You'll be g-glad to know your leg will be just fine. Might have some pretty gnarly bruising, but you will live."
"Ah, saved by a handsome firefighter, just wait until I tell the ladies. I'm going to be the star of bingo night."
Buck laughed again, a tightness he hadn't been aware of lessening in his chest. "I'm happy to have been a help. Will you be ok to get back home?"
"Should be, dear. It's not a far walk." She patted his cheek kindly, his brain unhelpfully supplying the information that it was the first time someone had touched him in weeks.
He was suddenly very unwilling to be left alone in the station again, mouth moving before he could think. "I - I can walk you if that would help?"
Beatrice lit up, "Oh wonderful! That will really boost my credit at the home."
Buck laughed, righting himself and offering his arm. "Lead the way, Beatrice."
-
That was how he found himself stood outside a nursing home on a Thursday afternoon, five grey-haired women cooing over him as he flushed darker than his birthmark.
"Who is this handsome man?" One lady asked, looking between him and Beatrice with fascination.
"This is Buck, he's the darling firefighter who fixed up my leg." she replied, allowing her friend (who he later learned was called Mabel) to check her over for any injury.
Pushing past them, a tall woman with curly grey hair offered her hand to shake, Buck doing so with a smile. "The name's Irene, and my dear you are welcome to come and visit us any time you'd like. Ouch!" She turned to glare at the woman who had just elbowed her, "Martha!"
"Stop flirting with the poor boy, sorry about them dear. Thank you for helping our friend."
Buck ducked his head slightly, "It was no worries, honestly. It was a pleasure to help you Beatrice."
The mentioned woman stepped forwards and reached for his cheeks, Buck ducking down so she could reach. She placed a kiss on his forehead with such care that it took all of his willpower to hold back tears. "I hope to see you again, Buck."
"Me too. Enjoy bingo night, ladies!"
He smiled as the women waved him off, jogging back towards the firehouse with a new sense of hope.
Everyone was still out by the time he got back, so Buck finished up his transfer request and put it in his locker for safekeeping.
He knew it was the right choice, but his heart was stubborn. He would give it five more shifts, and then if nothing changed he would leave.
-
Three days and two shifts of continued isolation and dirty looks later, Buck found himself stood outside of the nursing home once more.
The sun had just started to set, and Buck shifted from foot to foot nervously as he tried to get himself to knock on the door.
“Hello?”
A woman in a uniform opened the door, looking at him warily.
“Uh - hi. Sorry. I’m uh - I’m Buck and I -“
The woman’s face lit up. “Beatrice’s Buck?”
“Yes?”
She laughed, shaking his hand. “We were starting to think the ladies were making you up. It’s lovely to meet you. I’m Lottie.”
“Ha - uh I’m very much real. Nice to meet you.”
“What brings you back here?”
“I was… are there any v-volunteer spots open here?”
“Oh always. You can just come in and chat with them, but we just need to take down your details for safeguarding.”
“Right. T-that makes sense.”
He followed Lottie inside, filling out a form and stepping through into the main hall. Within an instant, he was descended upon by a group of women.
“Beatrice! Buck is here!”
“You weren’t lying he is a handsome man-“
“Hello again stranger, it’s Irene -“
“My goodness you look even bigger out of uniform -“
Beatrice hobbled over, waving away everyone and grabbing Buck’s wrist in a soft grip. “Vultures the lot of you! Shoo!”
Buck just laughed, waving to the women and letting himself be guided by Beatrice over to a few chairs in the corner of the room.
“I’m sorry about them, as you can tell we don’t have many handsome visitors coming through our doors.”
He shook his head with a smile. “I’m sorry to drop by without any warning -“
“Pfft. Nonsense. You’re always welcome here sweetheart.”
The easy acceptance warmed something within him, a soft thank you escaping him. She stared at him for a moment, looking into his very soul, and placed a hand on his.
“You look troubled, Buck. Would you like to tell me what’s going on?”
“It - it’s a long story Beatrice. I’m not sure it’s fair for me to dump it on you.”
“Poppycock. Come with me, I’ll show you the rose garden. We can chat there.” she leaned in, voice dropping to a whisper as she nodded towards a severe-looking woman who was leaning towards them, “That way we can avoid the nosey hag listening in. Bonnie never can keep a thing to herself.”
Buck barely withheld his laugh, following Beatrice outside.
The rose garden was small but quaint, with a soft breeze and a lovely smell. The foliage was slightly overgrown, and the brickwork chipped.
“It’s seen better days that’s for sure, but there’s a bench over here we can sit. Now, tell me everything.”
“How far back are we talking here?”
“As far back as you feel you need to go.”
So he did.
He talked about his childhood, about his sister, about travelling, about the 118, about Bobby and Chim and Hen and Eddie and Chris. He choked up as he spoke about the bomb in the truck, accepting her hand as he went on to explain the events of the tsunami. He struggled through explaining the lawsuit, how missing Christopher felt like a stab to the heart, Bobby's betrayal and the cold front he was receiving at work.
When he was finished, she wiped his tears with her handkerchief.
"Every dog has their day, Buck." she said kindly, "Life has not been fair you recently, that's true, but you haven't let it change who you are."
"You don't know that, Bea."
"I know that you are a kind young man who is doing his best, and that is something to be proud of."
“I just - I have no one left.”
She gripped both of his shoulders, waiting until he looked at her before speaking. “If they don’t want you anymore that’s their loss. I know I’m just an old woman, but you have a whole babble of women who want to talk to you, and a few old men I’m sure we can get on board as well. You’re not alone anymore, not as long as I’m alive. I am claiming you as grandson number three.”
Buck huffed a laugh, pulling Beatrice into a gentle hug. “Thank you.”
“Now, it’s painting night tonight. I’m sure if you stick around we can find a spare seat for you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He spoke that night more than he had in the past two months combined, falling into the easy chatter and making a few more friends. Roger and Clarence had somehow pulled him into attending a poker night on his next afternoon off, and he had signed up to do some restoration work in the garden on his 48 off.
Before leaving for the night, Beatrice had made him put his number in her phone, a grey brick of a thing that she told him she didn’t really know how to use.
He added tech lessons to his mental list, pressing a kiss to her cheek before leaving for the night. Something within him felt lighter, setting off into the night with a purpose that grounded him.
-
His good mood must have seeped into his work, as he was earning some curious looks mixed in with the glares during his next shift.
Never enough that anyone approached him to ask about it, but Buck still felt the unasked questions hanging over him.
Last week that would have crippled him - he would have tried to approach them to explain himself, to use the curiosity as an in for a conversation, only to come out of it feeling worse than before.
Now, Buck just focused on the menial tasks set before him, letting his mind wander to how he was going to start fixing the garden. The focus helped the time go faster, distracting him from the innate wrongness that he felt every time he thought too hard about how much had changed.
Buck ignored Bobby’s call for dinner, knowing by now that it no longer included him, and continued checking the supplies in the ambulance. He would eat when a call came in, not wanting to walk past everyone to get to his new spot on the roof.
He was mid-count of the gauze pads when his phone rang. Buck jumped, hand flying to his pocket as his heart beat out of his chest.
It had been so long since the phone was actually used for anything that he didn’t quite know what to do, frowning before answering the call.
“Hello?”
“Buck? Can you hear me?”
His shoulders dropped, tension oozing out of him in a split second, an easy smile gracing his face as Beatrice shouted on the other line.
“Yes Bea, I c-can hear you. Is everything ok?”
“Yes yes everything is fine, sweetheart. I was just talking to Violet, and she wanted to ask you a question. Oh- how do I-“
“Can he hear me?”
“I don’t know, speak louder I think -“
“Buck! Can! You! Hear! Me!”
He snorted, clapping a hand over his mouth at the sound. “Yes, I can hear you Violet.”
“Ok! I know you said that you would help us with the garden, but I forgot the plants you told us to get. Lottie is taking us to the garden centre tomorrow and we need to know!”
“No worries Violet, I will send them in a text message to Beatrice, okay?”
A little scuffle rang through the speaker, Beatrice shouting again. “I don’t know how to read those Buck!”
“It’s ok, I’m sure Lottie does. You can get her to help.”
“What a good idea! Thank you!”
“Of course. I’ll see you ladies on Friday o-ok? Bright and early.”
“Oh wait! Rodney wanted to ask if you were still coming tonight - Rodney! I’m on the telephone with Buck!”
Buck put his head in his free hand as Rodney stole the phone, wincing slightly at the volume. He could imagine his stance, the man standing with the microphone practically inside his mouth.
“Are. You. Coming. Tonight?”
“Yes Rodney. I’ll be there.”
“Bring. Booze!”
Buck laughed, “I’m pretty sure that was the one rule I was told I can’t - can’t break.”
“Fight the system, Bucko! Bring me gin!”
Another scuffle, Beatrice’s voice cutting through what sounded like an argument beginning in the background. “Ignore him. See you soon dear. Have a good day!”
“You too!”
Shaking his head fondly, he hung up, immediately adding the number to his contacts and sending through the list of supplies needed for the garden.
The smile stayed on his lips as he began recounting the gauze, freezing as soon as someone cleared their throat next to him.
Hen stood at the ambulance doors, arms crossed over her chest and eyebrow raised inquisitively. “Cap called us for dinner.”
Buck frowned, confused. No one had expected him to join since he came back, in fact they counted on him not being there. “I uh - I’m not hungry.”
Hen shifted slightly. “Who was that on the phone?”
“A friend.” It was a curt answer - too sharp to be played off as normal.
“Uhuh.”
Bucks frown deepened, turning back to the gauze pads. He felt intensely uncomfortable, unable to read between her words. It was childish, but he decided to just pretend she wasn’t there until she went away.
After a few moments Hen realised what he was doing, making an aborted movement. “I… I’m glad you have people. Outside of us.”
The words were hesitant, almost as if she was unsure why she was saying them, and Buck couldn’t stop the scoff that escaped him at the suggestion that he still ‘had’ the 118.
He bit back the words that he wanted to say - the long list of reasons he knew he was no longer considered family - and instead steadfastly counted the pads, ignoring the weight of Hen’s heavy gaze on his cheek
He didn’t offer an explanation for the noise he made, knowing that she was smart enough to understand. She walked away after another minute of silence, Buck letting out a long heavy breath.
At the end of his shift, he raced out of the firehouse like his life depended on it.
-
“Bucko!” Rodney cheered, throwing an arm over his shoulders jovially. When the nurse looked away, he lowered his voice into a mock-whisper, “did you bring the gin?”
“Sorry Rodney, they frisked me on the way in.”
“Oh boo. Can’t an old man get drunk anymore?”
Buck laughed, heading further into the common room where a circular table had been dragged into the centre. Around it sat 7 people, 2 free seats open for them.
“Ready to lose all your cash?” Clarence grinned, tapping the table excitedly, “It’s not often we get new competition.”
An unfamiliar woman, who quickly introduced herself as Catalina, laughed loudly. “Oh please, the only one who loses their money on this table is you.”
“Amen to that.” Hector cackled, dividing up the chips between the players, “Are we ready to start?”
“¡Dale!”
“Take it easy on me,” Buck laughed, “I haven’t played poker in a while.”
“You’ll be fine, chico. Just don’t trust a thing Mickey says and it’ll be plain sailing.”
“Hey!”
“You lie like a rug and you know it.”
“It’s poker, you can’t tell the truth all the time!”
The game passed by with laughter and lighthearted threats (and one not so lighthearted swearing match between Rodney and Ivy that ended up with a nurse having to threaten their poker privileges for the next month), Catalina eventually winning over three quarters of the whole pot.
“¡Tomen! Royal flush!”
Buck turned to Rodney, laughing in disbelief. “How does she keep doing that?”
“I don’t know but that’s me out.” He said, throwing his cards on to the table, “I only had a double. I’m telling ya Bucko, there ain’t no way to win when she gets on a roll.”
He laughed, folding with his straight, and leaning over the table to shake a grinning Catalina’s hand. Buck left that evening with an invite to the next poker night, and a promise of a poker lesson from Catalina.
-
The 118 didn't feel like home anymore.
Buck should have felt more shocked at the realisation, but no matter how hard he turned over the truth in his head he couldn't manage much more than bland acceptance.
The building itself was nothing special, just four walls and a roof.
It was the people that had made it his home. Bobby's parental care and the near-constant smell of cooking food; Chimney's wicked sense of humour and arsenal of movie facts that he could somehow apply to every situation; Hen's sarcasm and her endless supply of empathy; Eddie's... everything.
Buck had become more familiar with the firehouse since returning to work than he had in the years of being a proud LAFD member, having cleaned every inch of it twice-over in deafening silence.
He was horrified to realise that a part of him had begun to hate it - a place that had once been so sacred and integral to the very being of Evan Buckley now becoming just another place where he felt like an inevitable failure.
He couldn't even find sick satisfaction in it being Bosko's last shift before transferring back to her original station, all repairs from the tsunami finally finished. He had long since lost the belief that her departure would mean being back at Eddie's side.
Buck supposed Beatrice was right when she said that she'd rather the devil she knew than the devil she didn't (spoken directly after she had called Martha both her best bosom friend and also a mighty heifer in the span of two minutes), because the thought of Eddie getting yet another partner to replace him caused such nausea that he had actually knelt by the toilet for a few minutes as his breakfast threatened to make a reappearance.
He had then managed to work his way into a panic attack as he thought about all the different ways a new firefighter could fail at protecting Eddie - he may not like Bosko but she was a proven badass and he trusted her to not let his partner die.
What if Eddie’s new partner was a probie who made a stupid mistake, or a psycho who would hurt him on purpose, or what if they didn’t know how to manage with the pressure of the LAFD and left Eddie in the lurch, what if, what if, what if -
He had just managed to get his breathing back under control when the engines pulled into the station, though one look in the bathroom mirror was enough to know Buck looked like a train wreck. Pale cheeks and red-rimmed eyes were enough of an indicator that he had been sobbing, let alone the dried tear tracks that had burned into his skin.
Buck was powerless but to pray that no one needed to come into the bathroom until he had collected himself, thanking his lucky stars as the thunderous noise of hungry firefighter’s feet rushing to the loft echoed through the empty room.
However the universe could never be that kind, not to Buck, and so it was Lena Bosko who ended up wandering in.
She didn’t notice him at first, washing off a particularly stubborn patch of grease from her cheek, eyes eventually finding him frozen in the reflection of the mirror. “Jesus Christ, Buckley!”
Buck winced, offering an awkward wave. “I - sorry. Didn’t think anyone was coming in here.”
She turned to face him, face drawn in concern. “You look like shit.”
He huffed, attempting his best to smile. “Thanks.”
“No really.” She stepped forwards. “Are you ok?”
Buck nodded fervently, trying to look anywhere but directly at her. “Mhm. Um - I just wanted… it’s your last shift here today?”
“Yeah?”
“Just - good luck. And thank you for having - for having Eddie’s back.” The words came out strained, painful as they left his lips. The truth rang out though, gratefulness impossible to hide. “I know we didn’t really - uh - talk. At all. But thanks.”
Her frown deepened, more out of concern than distaste. “Of course… and sorry. I should have made more of an effort. It’s just with the way things have been -”
“No! No, you uh - no one here talks to me anyway, so,” he shrugged, a pained smile accompanying the attempted joke, “no hard feelings.”
Lena nodded, eyes searching him for something and seemingly coming up empty. “For the record? You deserve better than this.”
“Sure.”
They could both tell he didn’t mean it.
“Bosko?” Eddie’s voice called out, getting louder as he approached the bathroom, “Food’s getting cold!”
Noticing the panic in his eyes, Bosko moved towards the door. “Don’t get your panties in a twist, Diaz! I’m coming!”
Despite her best efforts, she didn’t intercept in time, Eddie swinging the door open with a smile. “Cap made lasagna, so you gotta -“
His face shuttered the second he registered Buck was in the room, tone icy. “Let’s go.”
Buck shrank into himself, hating the way he couldn’t make himself look up at the man he used to do everything with, flinching as the door fell shut behind them.
He took the next few minutes to collect himself, splashing water on his face before forcing himself out and into the main firehouse, clutching his chest as he almost walked straight into Bosko.
“I brought food.” She offered a plate like a lifeline, nodding her head towards the parking lot. “I know you don’t actually know me that well yet, but I think we should talk.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
-
It was Hen that cornered him at the end of their shift, walking up to him in the locker room as he did his best to get out before the rest of the team needed to get in.
“Buck.”
“Hen.”
“I just…” she sighed, thumb and index finger pinching the bridge of her nose. “Are you doing ok?”
He must have looked at her as if she was insane, because Hen held up her hands defensively, a look of guilt flashing across her face. “I know, dumb question.”
“You want the honest answer?”
“Yes.”
“No I’m not, but I’m better than I was last week.”
She nodded, eyes drifting to the glass walls of the locker room, frowning slightly as they landed on Chimney. The older man’s arms were folded across his chest as he stared at the two of them, anger and curiosity warring in his gaze.
She saw Buck clock it, his shoulders drawing in instinctively.
“They just need time.”
Buck faltered, hand gripping the strap of his bag like a lifeline. “They?”
“I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not hurt, but it’s been long enough. I don’t like seeing you like this.”
“I’m only ‘like this’ because you all decided you can’t stand me. I know the lawsuit was the wrong play, and I- I have apologised a million times, but all I was trying to do was get back to my fa- this team. Chase Mackey was a poor choice but I didn’t know what else to do.” He winced as his voice broke, grabbing the completed form from his locker, Bosko’s offer to join the 136 still fresh in his mind. “But don’t worry, you won’t have to deal with me for much longer.”
“What does that mean?”
Buck shouldered his bag, walking out, ignoring Hen as she called after him again.
“Buck! What does that mean?”
He veered towards Bobby’s office, slamming the transfer papers down on the desk before fleeing the station.
-
He powered his phone down the second he climbed in the Jeep, heading home for a scalding shower and nap.
He hated how he felt in the loft. It magnified his loneliness, blank white walls and minimal furniture highlighting just how easy it would be for him to leave LA behind.
The only personalisation was on the fridge, drawings from Chris tacked on next to pictures of him, Eddie and Chris on various trips. It was painful to look at, but Buck couldn’t find it within himself to take them down.
He stared at the most recent photo, taken three days after the tsunami. Eddie had taken it when coming back from a shift, both Chris and Buck passed out on the sofa with a nature documentary playing on the TV.
The scene was so domestic, casual in a way that Buck had never had before. It was the trust of a child, placed in his shaking hands by a father who would fight to the ends of the earth to ensure his son was safe - a pure display of love.
Buck remembers feeling dizzy with it, intoxicated by the unfettered belief Eddie had in him. Christopher was something precious, a bundle of joy and endless curiosity, and Buck was trusted with him.
He let out a shaky exhale, scrubbing at his eyes angrily. He wanted to talk to Christopher so badly, but the few times he had tried to approach Eddie it had ended horribly. The message was clear: he wasn't worthy to be in Chris' life anymore.
Frustrated and tired, Buck collapsed on to his bed and wished his evening away. A deep sleep claimed him, brain helpfully supplying him with the worst moments of his life on repeat.
He didn't hear the knocks on his door.
-
Buck was out of his apartment early the next morning, leaving his phone on the kitchen counter.
The only person that called him was Beatrice, and considering he was about to spend the whole day with her he didn’t want to be carrying the dead weight around. It would be just another reminder of his failures, and he was really going to try and make this 48 off into a positive that would distract him from the transfer papers that were probably being processed right this moment.
Without enough time to go to the gym, Buck elected to get his exercise via a walk to the nursing home. There was a perfect breeze, and for the first time in what felt like forever he let himself take a moment to just enjoy the warmth of the sun.
“Buck! Welcome back” Lottie grinned, opening the door for him, “I hear you’re doing some work on the garden today?”
“It’s supposed to be a team effort, but I’m fully expecting to be ordered around today by people who will just sit and watch.”
Lottie laughed, nodding. “And you would be entirely right. They’ve made some pretty extravagant plans, so get ready for some hard labour.”
Before Buck could reply, Irene rushed over to him, grabbing his arm and pulling. “Come on, handsome. It’s showtime!”
Waving bye to Lottie, he allowed himself to be pulled into the garden, greeting the mini-council that had convened on the gravel. Beatrice made sure that she got the first hug, excitedly telling him about their trip to the garden centre, before a woman with dyed pink hair and bright green eyeliner called Geraldine demanded that they started by planting the begonias.
Not that Buck was worried about potentially wasting most of his 48 off, (it had been so long since he had a social calendar at all to speak of that he knew he wouldn’t be too picky) but he was pleasantly surprised to find that being ordered around by nit-picking seniors was a surprisingly enjoyable way to spend the day.
The women had made such a detailed plan that Buck was sure there was no way he would be able to get it finished over the next few days. He said as much, staring down at the blueprints Hazel had sketched out, and was witness to the first of many votes of the day.
The show of hands ended up with a choice to focus on getting all the plants in the ground and to leave the more physical labour of the broken brick for Buck’s next day off.
By noon, Buck had worked up a sweat, stripped down to his muscle tee. He was absently aware of the looks he was getting from some of the women, Beatrice already having to shoo away some of the residents that were not part of the gardening society that had started to gather by the doors.
“You know,” Irene started, an impish grin on her lips, “you look rather like my John when he was younger.”
“Oh Irene! Leave the poor man alone.”
“What? I’m just saying!” she leaned forwards, mock whispering, “John was my first husband. Lovely man. Very active if you get what I mean.”
Buck choked on a laugh, cheeks blazing as a chorus of women scolded her. “I - uh - thanks? I think?”
“Stop scandalising my grandson” Beatrice scolded, hitting her shoulder with her handkerchief, “do ignore her Buck, she wouldn’t know propriety if it hit her in the face.”
“Just because I am greying does not mean I can’t appreciate an attractive man when I see one.”
“Greying implies it’s a relatively new development. You’ve been ‘greying’ for over a decade” Martha snarked, voice flat.
“Why you-“
-
By the time Buck left, it was dark outside and his bad leg was aching like hell. It was his fault really, he had spent a large amount of the day crouched down, putting a lot of pressure on his knee and ankle.
He would’ve called an uber but with his phone left at home, Buck had no choice but to walk back. He couldn't find it within himself to be too upset though, a part of him healed after spending the day around people who actually wanted to be in his presence.
It was a long and painful walk, and the first thing Buck wanted to do was collapse on to his bed and not move for hours. That was the singular thought that kept him going, stepping out of his apartment lift with a yawn.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
Buck flinched backwards, hissing as his shoulder hit the wall. “Wha-?”
Eddie was stood in front of him, breathing heavily, looking everywhere but his face. “Your phone and your Jeep were still here. We thought - I need to call Athena.”
“W-why would you call Athena?”
“To call off the hunt for you!”
Buck winced at the volume, arms hugging around his own waist. “I- No one asked you to do that. Did you - did you break into my loft?”
“I didn’t need to break in. I have a key, remember?”
Buck frowned, walking over to his door and pushing it open. “Well I’m fine as you can clearly see.”
Eddie followed him, whole body taut with rage. “Don’t fucking be sarcastic with me right now.”
“Why do you care?” Buck hissed, running a hand through his hair out of frustration. “Y-you haven’t given a shit in months Eddie. Don’t - don’t pretend to now.”
His lungs froze as Eddie’s eyes finally locked with his, honeyed irises sharpened with anger. “You were gone.”
“I was out. I don’t owe you or anyone my location -“
“We thought you hurt yourself Buck! You put in for a transfer and then disappeared!”
“I was doing you all a favour!” His shout rang through the apartment. Buck hated shouting, tried to avoid it when he could. He took a breath, the next time he spoke with control. “You wanted me gone so I finally listened. You don’t get to be mad at me for that.”
“We never - what - we didn’t want you gone.”
“Oh yeah? So what has the past month been Eddie? No- none of you even look at me at work, you’ve all but iced me out of the station and hey, I got the message. L-loud and clear.”
“Buck -“
“No! I don’t know why you think you can just - just come in to my apartment and yell at me when you haven’t even talked to me in weeks.” He paused for breath, chest heaving as he snatched his phone from Eddie’s grip. “G-get out.”
The words sounded foreign on his tongue. He never thought he would ever deny Eddie anything, but his skin was crawling and all he wanted was to be left alone.
“What?”
The word sounded so small, Eddie’s voice hardly audible above Buck’s slightly panicked breaths.
“Get - get out.”
Buck could feel tears rushing to his eyes, throat closing up slightly as he watched Eddie’s face fall. He stood firm, only allowing himself to crumble when the door was closed and he was left alone in his apartment.
His sobs came hard and fast, the ruined happiness of his day and pain in his leg all mixing together, adding on to the grief of his lost family.
-
Once the sobs had petered out, he began to crawl over to his couch - not finding enough energy within himself to attempt the stairs - when a harsh knock was rapped on the door.
Another sob broke out of him, voice strained "Go away!"
"Buck? Buck it's me."
He scrambled to his feet, ignoring his wince as he ripped the door open. "'Thena?"
"Hi baby."
Buck's tears began to fall again (how he had enough water left in his body to produce them, he had no clue), a small whine falling from his lips as Athena pulled him into a hug.
She made quick work of getting him comfortable, a hot drink pressed into his hands and a blanket thrown around his shoulders as he settled on to the couch. She sat on the edge of the table, leaning forwards.
"Why are you here?" he eventually asked, speaking into his mug.
"I figure I haven't been checking in nearly as much as I should have been, and I can only apologise for that Buckaroo."
"D-don't. It's my fault."
"Buck?"
"I sued Bobby - I sued your husband and I - I ruined everything." His voice was hoarse, gaze firmly fixed on the floor. A few moments passed, the silence filled with reflection.
When Athena spoke, her words were obviously measured. "I love my husband very much, and I trust his judgement."
"Athena -"
She raised her hand, continuing. "But I know he was wrong to hold you back."
A breath Buck didn't know he was holding escaped in a rush, head hanging low. "You mean it?"
She placed a hand on Buck's knee, squeezing. "Yes Buck. Bobby... he loves you, and I know that he was holding you back out of a place of care." She ignored Buck's scoff, continuing on. "But it wasn't his choice to make."
"No it wasn't."
"The lawsuit was a bit of a jump."
Buck shook his head, gripping the hot mug. "You think I don't know that? As soon as I sat down in front of the team I knew I had messed up. Chase has a way of sounding l-like he knows everything and I was sad and angry and he just -" Buck broke off, a growl of frustration rattling through his chest. "I dropped it as soon as I realised what I was doing! We w-won, but I turned down the money because I wanted to come home. I wanted to be back with my family and they hate me. They hate me and they won't talk to me and I can't see Chris and they -"
He could feel his breaths becoming too shallow again, Athena leaping into action and taking the mug out of his hands, disappearing for a second before pulling him into her embrace once more.
"Shhh, you're okay Buck. I'm here. You're okay."
"I just - just wanted to be back with my family. I don't have a-a-anyone else."
The words were muffled, spoken into her shoulder, his broken heart clear in every syllable.
"And Maddie?"
"Is with Chimney. I - she didn't say it but I didn't want to ruin what they have. I couldn't - she deserves to be happy."
"Oh, Buck. She was worried about you today. When... you should check your phone when you're ready. I've let everyone know that you're safe."
Athena stayed for another half an hour, only leaving once it was clear that Buck could barely stay awake. She made promises to call him the next morning, making sure he would keep his phone on him next time he left the loft.
-
His sleep was restless, broken by an aching in his leg and a million thoughts. So by the time Buck's alarm went off at 8am he was well and truly over the day.
He hated cancelling plans with a passion, but as he pushed himself into a seated position and his vision whited out from pain in his leg, he thought it probably wasn't realistic to continue with the garden.
The phone rang five times, Beatrice's voice breaking through the silence of the loft. "Morning dear! When do you think you'll be arriving today?"
"Hi Bea-"
"Oh no, what's happened?"
Buck laughed despite himself, his croaky voice betraying the bad end to his night. "Uh - I'm really sorry but I think I'm going to have to cancel today. My leg is acting up and I didn't have a good night."
"Of course, of course! Looking after yourself is the most important thing."
She stayed on the phone with him for another five minutes, and as soon as he hung up he let himself melt back into the couch cushions. That is where he stayed for the next few hours, only moving when there was a commotion in the corridor outside of his door.
Before any dread could settle in his stomach, a voice cut through the noise. "Would you two just be quiet, we're here to see Buck. I don't mind sending the two of you away before we do."
"You wouldn't send me away just because of this hag would you?"
"Watch who you're calling a hag Martha!"
"Oh bite me Irene."
Buck opened the door, a grin on his lips. "Ladies!"
Beatrice pushed past the other two, pulling him into a tight embrace. "Sweetheart, you look tired."
"It was a long night."
She hummed, patting his cheek and walking past him into the apartment, leaving him at the mercy of Irene and Martha. As they fought over who would hug him first - which ended up in both of them trying at once - Buck asked the question that was burning on his tongue.
"Not that I'm not happy to see you, because I am, but how exactly did you know where I live?"
"Those papers you signed? I broke into the office and looked at them." Martha explained, as if it was nothing. "Beatrice was worried about you and we wanted to make sure you were okay."
Irene nodded, "You look peaky dear."
Buck stepped aside to let them in, cringing slightly. "I-I'm sorry for the mess. It's been a while since I, uh, expected company."
He shied away from the intense look Beatrice was giving him from her place by the fridge. She had been looking at the pictures, and the unasked question hung heavily in the air. He nodded, confirming the suspicions, that they were of Eddie and Christopher.
The three women filled up the emptiness of the loft in a way Buck would never have dreamed of, laughter and stories bouncing off the walls as they made a soup for him.
He had asked to help but had been ushered away, told to take a shower and get changed into some new clothes. Buck obeyed, feeling infinitely better as the water pounded down on to his back.
Irene tried to give his sore leg a massage - an idea immediately shot down by Martha with claims it was just a way for her to ‘get her grubby hands’ on him. He eventually settled with a heat pack on the worst of the aching muscle, painkillers taken with lunch.
It wasn't until they began cleaning up that the door knocked once more.
Muted panic must have shown on his face, Irene patting his arm to get him to stay sat as Beatrice made her way to the door.
"Hello?"
Maddie was stood there, looking at her with deep confusion. "I - uh - is Buck...?"
"Maddie?"
She peered around Beatrice, eyes softening as they landed on him. "Buck!"
He stumbled from his chair, rushing over to her and sweeping her into a hug. It had been weeks since he had seen her, and as he buried his head into her hair she squeezed him tightly.
"You're okay," she breathed, stepping back to look at him properly, "when Hen called and asked me... she thought you were with me and I- are you okay Buck, really?"
"I asked for a transfer, but other than that yeah I guess."
"You what?! But Buck - you love the 118."
"When I was part of the family, yeah. Now I just... I can't be there anymore."
She frowned, clearly wanting to say something, but stopping herself. He shuffled uncomfortably, bringing her attention back to the other women in the room who were currently watching as if witnessing a live soap opera.
"Uh..."
"Oh! Right! Sorry this is so rude. Maddie, meet Beatrice, Martha and Irene. Ladies, this is my sister Maddie."
A chorus of hellos, hot drinks and gossip (mostly about Buck’s life and the mysterious pie thief in the nursing home) later, the Buckley siblings were waving off their visitors.
“Are you sure you don’t want a lift back?” he asked, “It’s really no problem.”
“No, no. We ordered one of those Umber things.”
“Uber, Martha. It’s an Uber.”
“He knew what I meant.”
Beatrice ignored them, cupping both of Buck’s cheeks. “You are worth the effort it takes to regain your trust, honey. If you want to let them, then that’s your decision, but you owe them nothing.”
“Bea…”
“I mean it.”
She held his gaze until he nodded, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I expect to see you at family day next Friday.”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Good luck tomorrow. If you don’t text me by noon I’ll be starting a rescue mission to your station.”
Buck laughed, “Appreciate it.”
Maddie just smiled, raising an eyebrow teasingly as the door closed behind them. “Only my brother would get adopted by a nursing home full of people.”
Buck shrugged sheepishly, “They’re actually really cool. I’m helping them redo their garden.”
“Of course you are.”
Now alone, the elephant in the room was much harder to ignore. As Maddie let out a long breath, he knew he couldn’t hide from it much longer.
“Why didn’t you tell me what was happening at work, Buck?”
He winced, “You were so disappointed in me after the lawsuit, and Chimney… it was just easier to leave it alone.”
“I didn’t agree with what you did, but Buck, I’m your sister. I would’ve had your back.”
“Mads, I love you, but you didn’t call me either.”
Now it was her turn to wince, nodding. “That’s fair.”
“I just - I missed you so much Maddie.”
“I missed you too.” she pulled him into another tight hug. “We’re ok, right?”
“Yeah. We’re okay.”
-
Buck had currently been sitting in his Jeep for five minutes, engine still running, as he looked at the bay doors. He had never been so anxious to walk in to the firehouse before in his life.
He could just drive away, avoid everything and leave LA.
His plotting was quickly dashed as Hen came to stop by his door, gesturing for him to roll down the window.
"You planning on actually coming in or...?"
"I'm thinking about it."
"Mhm. Come on Buck, I'll walk in with you."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?" At his look, she sighed. "I know I've been a shit friend, but this is me trying. Okay? Let me try, please?"
Buck rolled his shoulders, swallowing heavily as he turned off the ignition. He waited for Hen to move to the side before opening his door, sliding out.
She walked with him to the locker room, and then gently guided him up to the loft. At Buck’s weird look, she just smiled. “Trust me?”
Beatrice’s words rang through his head, step only faltering for a moment before he followed her to the kitchen.
Sat at the long table were Bobby, Chimney and Eddie. Their conversation halted as he walked up to them, but before he could turn and walk away cursing himself for trying, Bobby stood.
“Buck.”
Freezing in place, he looked at his captain warily.
“I need to start with an apology.”
Eddie and Chimney nodded, the latter speaking, “We all do.”
“I…" he exchanged a glance with Hen, the woman smiling reassuringly, "Okay."
Bobby took a long breath. "I was blinded by my want to keep you safe that I forgot that my duty as your captain does not extend past your time at work. I let my personal bias blind me and I... I held you back from returning to work."
Buck stepped forwards slightly, grabbing on to the back of a chair as if it would help him remain upright as the weight of the words hit him.
"I was wrong to do it, and I was wrong to not welcome you back." Bobby continued, clearing his throat as his words began to sound strangled "I set the tone and I should've stopped when I saw how upset it was making you, but I just - I couldn't seem to stop."
Buck forced himself to take a deep breath, clenching his jaw as he held back tears.
Chimney was next to speak. "I was an ass. I'm sorry." Hen, who had moved to stand next to him whilst Bobby was talking, hit him in the back of the head. "Ow! What, that was from the heart!"
"Chim."
"I should've heard you out - I just. I got so angry that you could sue us that I didn't stop to think why. I made it hard for you at work, and I made it hard for you to speak to Maddie -"
Buck shook his head at that, voice quiet. "It was my choice not to speak to Maddie. She didn't reach out either, but that wasn't your fault."
"Still. I'm sorry."
Buck just nodded, averting his eyes back down to the table.
"You already know that I think this went on too long, but I need to tell you just how much I regret that any of this happened in the first place. You're my friend and I should have at least heard you out. I'm sorry and I hope you can learn to forgive me."
Buck heard some shuffling, and a pointed cough from Hen.
"I..." Eddie's voice gave out, Buck looking up just in time to see him walk in his direction. The man faltered a breath away, question clear in his eyes.
Buck swallowed down the mixed emotions, stepping out from behind the chair and opening his arms slightly. The movement was all the permission he needed, Eddie burying his head into the crook between Buck's neck and shoulder as he hugged him tight.
"I'm so sorry Buck. For everything. I - I should've had your back."
The words were whispered into his skin, accompanied by a few stray tears. Despite himself, Buck wrapped his arms around Eddie's back, a hand finding its way to the nape of his neck.
He could never deny Eddie anything - not really.
"I've just been so angry all the time. I - I'm going to get help. I promise, ok? I just need us to be ok again. I'll make it ok."
Buck trembled, tears finally falling. "Okay."
"Oh Buck" Hen breathed, rushing over to him. She seemed unsure of what to do, hovering there until Buck reached his arm out. She joined the hug, Chimney following suit and hugging around both Eddie and Hen.
Bobby hesitated, not moving until Buck looked up at him. He had always been told he wore his emotions clearly on his face, and as Bobby began to move he knew it was true.
His captain came around behind him, encompassing the whole team with his arms.
"I'm sorry, kid."
-
Later, once they had untangled themselves, Bobby spoke again. “I understand if you still want to put through your transfer request, but… I hope you won’t be too mad that I didn’t put them in. If you’re willing, we all would like to try and convince you to stay. Stay at the 118.”
Buck nodded silently, lip wobbling. “I just missed you all so much.”
Bobby smiled, “How about a family BBQ? This Friday, at mine and Athena’s. I’ll even make the salsa you like.”
Buck’s tentative smile dropped, “Oh I - uh - I can’t do Friday.”
“Oh. Of course, sorry. I didn’t mean to rush -“
“No - Bobby I’d love to go to a Grant-Nash party. I just have… plans. On Friday.”
Eddie couldn’t hide his frown. “With who?”
At that moment, almost as if the universe Herself was in on the joke, a loud yell came from the bay doors.
“Buck it’s half past twelve!”
He swore, wiping his eyes before rushing for the stairs, “I’m fine! I’m sorry I didn’t see the time!”
“Too late!” Beatrice called back, “We’ve come to rescue you!”
Buck groaned, but was unable to wipe the smile off of his face as the entire gardening society (plus Rodney and Catalina) piled into the firehouse.
“Guys, I’m really fine. You didn’t have to do this.”
“Where are your coworkers?” Geraldine demanded, “I’m ready to give them a piece of my mind.”
“I’m really fine -“
“Oooh, let me speak to the handsome one. I don’t mind giving him a piece of my mind.” Irene said, winking at someone behind him, “I swear they don’t make men like that anymore.”
“Back off you old bat, you’re embarrassing our boy.”
“Martha I swear to all that is -“
“Guapo, your eyes are swollen-“ Catalina scolded, narrowing his eyes. “Bea your boy’s eyes are swollen!”
“Buck you have been crying?” Beatrice exclaimed, grabbing his chin and analysing his face. “You said you were fine.”
“I am! I am!”
“Who made Buck cry?” Rodney yelled, fist waving in the air.
Buck took a deep breath, stepping back before raising his voice. “Everyone!”
The chatter stopped, Buck scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably as all eyes turned to him. “I am fine. Thank you for coming to check on me but really, I’m okay.”
Before any of them could speak again, a throat cleared behind him. Bobby was the one to brave a step forwards towards the chaos, the rest of the team hanging back by the stairs.
“Buck, who are these people?”
“Uh… cap these are my friends.” He smiled, gesturing to the group with slight jazz hands. “Beatrice, Martha, Irene, Catalina, Geraldine, Hazel, Rodney, and Millicent.”
Bobby nodded a hello, Chimney waving as Hen gave them a big smile.
“Thank you for looking after him.” Hen smiled, walking towards them, obviously piecing together the context clues, “I’m glad to know he had all of you.”
Eddie hung back, brow furrowed as his eyes flitted from Buck to the group.
Beatrice walked forwards, arms crossed, only stopping a few paces away from Eddie. She looked up at him with a scowl. “You.”
“Bea, no -“
“You have a lot of explaining to do, young man.”
Buck moved to intercept, halting as Eddie held up his hand to stop him.
“I know I have a lot to explain, but I think it’s best if I have those conversations with Buck first. If he’s okay with it then…” he trailed off, looking over her head and catching Buck’s eye “Maybe we could talk about it on Friday? I could even introduce you to Christopher.”
Buck’s heart fluttered, softening at the extended olive branch. Beatrice looked between the two of them, a small smile creeping on to her face.
“If Buck deigns to bring you on Friday, I look forwards to meeting your son. I’ve heard a lot about him.” She turned away, walking over to Buck who leaned down to give her a hug, receiving a kiss on the cheek before she walked back over to the group. “Come on ladies -“
“Ahem.”
“- and Rodney. Buck is fine, and he’s still working.”
“Well you can all leave, I want to get to know this man a little better.” Irene winked at Bobby.
Before Martha could chime in with an insult, Buck was blocking Bobby from the woman. “He’s married, and his wife would kick your ass.”
Irene quirked an eyebrow, looking at Bobby who just nodded. “She would.”
Martha grabbed Irene’s arm, “I’m going to take her before she tries to climb the other one like a tree. Devil woman.”
“Get your filthy hands off of me!”
“Then move!”
Buck hugged them all goodbye, promising to call Beatrice after his shift. As the firehouse returned to relative quiet, Chimney burst into laughter.
“Buck, you need to tell me how you managed to befriend an army of pensioners.”
He shrugged bashfully, “I helped Bea out, and she kinda just… claimed me?”
Hen snorted, “Sounds about right.”
“We’ll figure out another time for our barbecue. They seem nice.” Bobby clapped him on the shoulder, heading back up to the loft with the others, leaving Buck and Eddie stood by the engines.
“Come over after our shift? Christopher misses you.”
“Please.”
-
Buck almost cried when stepping into the Diaz house, a sense of home that he hadn’t felt in ages crashing over him.
Christopher had been ecstatic, clinging on to him for an hour after he had arrived as he caught him up on all the school gossip Buck had missed.
As for Eddie, a weird energy simmered between them as the night continued on, the man watching him with an intensity Buck couldn’t name.
When Christopher was happily tucked into bed and the two men had retreated to the sofa, Buck finally broached the topic.
“Is everything ok Eddie?”
“I thought you had got in a relationship.”
Buck blinked, sure he had heard wrong. “What?”
“The phone calls, the sudden improvement in your mood, the way you were rushing out at the end of a shift...”
“Oh. Uh. Nope. Just - just hanging out at a retirement home” he laughed awkwardly.
Eddie moved closer, the side of his thigh touching Buck’s. “Do you understand how ridiculous it was for me to be so jealous?”
“Y-you… what?”
“I was blindingly jealous - over - over an old woman.” Eddie laughed, running his hand through his hair. Buck’s eyes tracked the movement.
“Beatrice?”
He moved impossibly closer, breath fanning over Buck’s chin. “You’re not hearing me Buck.”
“Eddie.” The name fell from Buck’s lips like a prayer, going slightly dizzy with the proximity.
“I want to be the one you smile at.” Eddie placed a kiss on his cheek. “I want to be the one you call.” A kiss on his forehead. “I want.” A kiss on his birthmark. “To be.” Eddie hesitated slightly, lips brushing Buck’s as he spoke his final word “Yours.”
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” Buck whispered, eyes fluttering shut, “I - I can’t if you don’t -“
“I don’t want to pretend that you don’t make me insane anymore, Buck. I love -“
Buck surged forwards, hands grabbing at Eddie’s hair as he slung his leg over, knees bracketing hips. Eddie responded immediately, hands grabbing at Bucks hips to hold him steady as he licked into his mouth, swallowing all the needy sounds that escaped the taller man.
If Buck thought he felt dizzy with want earlier, it was nothing to how he felt now. He was drunk on the feeling of Eddie’s body underneath him, something he had dreamed of but never thought he would deserve.
As Eddie pulled away for air, Buck felt himself chasing his lips, ignoring the way his own lungs screamed for air.
“I know this doesn’t magically fix everything,” Eddie said, panting, “but I want this. I want us.”
He didn’t realise he was crying until Eddie let go of his hip, hand coming up to gently brush the tears from his face. “You can have it - it’s yours. I’m yours.”
Buck smiled so widely he thought his mouth would split from it, fondness warring with doubt. Underneath the elation of the moment was dread - the worry that any second he would wake up from a dream and realise it was all a lie.
Reading the change in mood, Eddie cupped Buck’s face like it was something precious. “Hey, where did you go just now?”
“What if you change your mind?”
“What I feel for you is real. Christopher loves you. Your home is here, with us. That’s not going to change.”
They sealed it with another kiss, this one slower but no less passionate.
They had a long road ahead; rebuilding trust, having difficult conversations and starting new routines, but Buck knew all the struggle would be worth it. He had his family back, a house-full of pensioners who wanted the best for him, a boyfriend, and a lifetime to learn.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley
Whumptober #2 : taking accountability
Summary: After a one night stand that ended horribly, Buck's hook-up shows up at his work... as the new firefighter.
Word count: 3,920
-
The bar was packed, booming music doing nothing to distract Buck from the nerves settling in his gut.
He was no stranger to going out for a drink, aware that at one point in the evening he would be going home with a gorgeous woman - one who would leave as soon as they were done with him. It wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but to have someone’s full attention for a few hours was enough. He made it enough.
A gay bar was new territory: an attempt to answer the question that had fizzled in the back of his mind ever since that threesome with Conor and a particularly persuasive woman they had met on a night out back when he had first come to LA.
He knew he liked women - he knew how to make them feel good, how to flirt and how to behave. His reputation at the firehouse was enough proof of his successes, even if it had got him (temporarily!) fired recently. He was back at the 118, and very determined to keep it that way.
Men were an unknown, but something about it just made sense. Going through the fire academy Buck had seen a wide variety of muscled men that had made him stare, a light fuzzy feeling at the back of his mind when he watched their arms flex as carry large weights or their thighs bulge as they squatted. He had thought that was normal up until overhearing one of his flatmates calling a man gay for complimenting another dudes ass.
So here he was: in a gay bar, surrounded by attractive men, knee deep in a gay crisis.
Typically by this point in the night Buck would have made his way on to the dance floor, but his nerves instead directed him to the bar, desperate for some liquid courage. He had just downed the last of his drink when a voice broke through his internal monologue.
“You look nervous.”
Buck jumped slightly, eyes widening as he turned to the man beside him who was leaning on the bar in a way that drew attention to his well-toned arms. It was enough to make Buck’s brain blue screen. “Uh -“
The man smirked, looking Buck up and down appraisingly, “I don’t bite. Unless you ask, of course.” At Buck’s hitch of breath, the man softened slightly, smirk turning into a smile. “Can I get you a drink? No strings attached.”
“I - I - Yes please. I’m Buck.”
“Eddie. This your first time here?”
“Uh, is it… is it that o-obvious?”
Eddie laughed, teasing. “Just a little bit.”
Buck shuffled in his seat, head dipping downwards. “I’m kinda new to this - I feel weirdly out of my depth.”
“New to LA or new to gay clubs as a whole?”
“Been in LA for about a year now. So the second one.” He chanced a look back up, looking through his lashes.
“Well in that case, can I give you a celebratory blowjob?”
Buck spluttered, face turning red as his mouth dropped open, cheeks warming even further as the man burst into laughter.
“It’s a shot. Amaretto, Irish cream and whipped cream.”
“Ri-right.”
Eddie decided to be merciful, turning around to talk to the bartender, giving Buck a few moments to collect himself. He had been a bartender in Peru - had made hundreds of these shots himself - and yet all logic thought left his brain every time he looked too closely at Eddie’s face.
As the shots were placed on the tabletop in front of them, Eddie slid one over to him, lifting his own with a wink. “To new experiences.”
Buck felt too flushed to speak, simply lifting his in response, eyes dropping to his drink as he brought it to his mouth.
“Nu-uh. Not so fast.” Eddie reached out, gently placing his fingers under Buck’s chin and tilting his head back slightly so their eyes met. The contact burned his skin, head spinning an embarrassing amount. “Keep eye contact. I don’t plan on having bad sex for the next few years.”
“Sure”
The single word sounded more like a croak, all of Buck’s energy currently being poured into not making a complete idiot of himself. So he did as he was told, staring into brown eyes as he downed the shot.
“Good boy.”
A small whine escaped him at the words, unable to stop himself from swaying into Eddie’s orbit. As if he was fully aware of the effect he was having on Buck, the man’s smirk returned, nodding towards the dance floor.
“Wanna dance?”
Buck was on his feet before he had fully digested the question, letting the bass pulse through him as Eddie placed a hand on his lower back, leading him to an opening on the floor.
There, Buck allowed the music to guide him, cheeks flushing as Eddie slid behind him, strong hands on his waist and broad chest flush to his back. Buck was a little bit taller than Eddie, but as they melded together in the haze of music, he leaned back and allowed his head to rest on Eddie’s shoulder. From this position he was leaving the expanse of his neck open, something that seemed to delight Eddie massively.
“Oh!”
The noise was swallowed by the music as Eddie teased his lips up the pale skin, teeth scraping along the pulse point. He didn’t leave a mark - that at least deserved more of a conversation - but the act made Buck’s stomach do a flip nonetheless.
As the song switched to a new one, Eddie pressed one final kiss to Buck’s earlobe, leaving his mouth there as he talked. “Wanna get another drink? Or maybe we should talk.”
Buck whined as Eddie pulled away, twisting around so that they were face to face. Being able to see the slight flush of Eddie’s face was a good compromise, and Buck found himself unable to do anything but trace every line of his face with his eyes.
Aware he wasn’t going to get a response, Eddie made the decision to lead Buck over to the bar, ordering two waters before leading him outside to the smoking area. He sat down at an empty picnic bench, patting the bench beside him.
“Sit.”
Buck scrambled into the space, sidling into the older man’s space and smiling as a strong arm wrapped around his back.
“So… you always this quiet?”
The question won him a laugh, Buck shaking his head. “I - no? It’s- it’s quite funny actually, the trick is usually getting me to shut up.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah I… you make me n-nervous, I guess.”
Eddie tilted his head, taking a deep sip of his water and prompting Buck to do the same. “Good nervous or bad nervous?”
Buck rushed to answer, shuffling even closer. “Good! Definitely good!”
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
A smile crept its way back on to Eddie's face, hand coming up to hold Buck's chin, thumb running over his lips, pushing ever so slightly in. A sparkle in his eye told Buck he had decided something, and soon Eddie was straightening his spine and leaning into Buck's space.
"Prove it." He whispered, lips ghosting his, sitting so tantalisingly close that it drove Buck slightly insane.
Throwing all nerves out of the window, Buck closed the gap, grabbing on to Eddie's jacket as he poured all of his feelings into the kiss.
Kissing men was different than women. Not dramatically so, but enough that it made him slightly dizzy, loving the slight stubble that rubbed against his upper lip.
Eddie was the one to pull back (Buck would have happily let a lack of oxygen kill him, but he was distantly glad that Eddie was present enough to avoid asphyxiation), eyes half-lidded as he looked Buck up and down. "Fuck."
"It's Buck actually," he grinned, slightly breathless.
"Wanna get out of here?"
"Please."
-
Buck woke up held against a naked broad chest, cradled in strong arms as if he was something precious.
He couldn’t remember the last time someone had let him stay, and he didn’t think he had ever been made to feel small and protected. It was a novel feeling, but one that Buck welcomed.
They had talked for hours last night after a few rounds of mind-blowing sex that made him reconsider everything he had ever known, the conversation flowing with an ease that was wholly unfamiliar to Buck.
It was addicting.
Everything about Eddie was addicting when he thought too hard about it - his hands, his lips, his eyes; the way his voice dropped an octave as Buck made him feel good. Hell, even this man's bed-head made Buck go a little bit insane.
Watching the man sleep was probably creepy, but Buck couldn’t help it. His eyes drunk in every small crease and crevice, doing his best to remember every single detail. He was so invested in the sharp of his jaw that he didn’t even notice brown eyes blinking open. It wasn’t until a small smile softened the lines of his face that Buck realised, cheeks reddening in an instant.
“Uh - hi.”
His smile widened. “Mornin’”
Eddie pulled Buck closer still, pressing the ghost of a kiss to the corner of his mouth. The soft Texan accent made Buck melt, chasing after the man’s lips with a goofy smile that he couldn’t wipe off of his face if he tried.
"Morning to you too, cowboy."
Eddie huffed a laugh, nosing at the juncture of his jaw. "Y'r so beautiful."
Buck's whole face went hot, a small whine escaping him. "Eds -"
He felt the grin against his neck, Eddie placing small kisses across his face until he reconnected their lips. They fell back into soft kissing as easy as breathing, Eddie’s fingers drifting to rest against the pulse point of Buck’s throat.
The softness stole Buck's breath away, heart stuttering at just how right this felt.
The moment shattered as a scrape of a key in the door made Eddie launch himself halfway across the room, desperately scrambling for his clothes. “You - fuck - you need to go. Please.”
Buck’s body moved on autopilot, stomach sinking as he tugged his trousers back on. Trying his best to ignore the ice spreading through his veins, the firefighter swallowed down his nausea and went to step towards the bedroom door, stuttering to a halt as Eddie threw his hands up.
“The window. You - you have to go out the window.”
If there was any doubt in his mind, it was settled at those words. The final nail in the coffin was the woman’s voice drifting through the house as the front door opened.
“We’re back!”
Buck couldn’t even meet his eyes, grabbing his shirt in a clenched fist and backing over to the window. He couldn’t speak, words caught in his throat as he did his best to will away the tears that were clawing upwards.
With a last desperate look back, Eddie hesitated with his hand on the door handle. “I’m sorry.” He left then, closing the door behind him quickly, leaving Buck to escape out the back window like a bad mistake.
-
Going back to his packed house-share rubbed salt into the wound, Theo cheering as he walked in still wearing the same clothes from last night.
“Buck got laid!” He announced, jeering slightly.
Buck flashed an uncomfortable smile, rushing upstairs. He had twenty minutes until he needed to leave for his shift, and he was determined to scrub his skin raw, erasing all trace of calloused hands and too-soft kisses.
He winced slightly at the hickeys that covered his hips and upper thighs, hating the flash of lust that rushed through him at the thought of someone placing claim on him so obviously. Eddie wasn’t his - Buck was nothing more than a dirty secret.
He avoided looking at them as he finished up his shower, getting changed in record time and storming out the front door.
He was not in a much better mood by the time he reached the firehouse, resting his head on his steering wheel for a few minutes to try and muster the energy to slap on a happy face.
He must have failed, Hen cornering him almost as soon as he got out the Jeep.
“What’s up buckaroo? Thought you’d be jumping up and down to tell us about your body index bullshit. You were so excited about it on Thursday.”
Chimney guffawed, “You had an actual date? Like a sit down, talk to the person date?”
“Well - no. We met at the bar -“
“So you had a bad hookup. Not a date if you just meet them and bang them, probie. I thought you were over that?”
He deflated even further, Hen elbowing Chim in the ribs. “What he meant to say, was ‘oh no, we’re sorry you’re sad Buck, please tell us what’s wrong.’ Because we care. Right, Howard?”
“Uh - sure. Yeah.”
Buck shrugged, doing his best to look unbothered as he waved off their words. He was still on thin-ish ice with Bobby and he didn’t want to be too open with the team in case he messed something up. He knew he could be a lot sometimes, and he was still earning their trust. He wasn’t going to push it too far, especially when it was clear they still thought he was an idiot.
“Nah it’s fine. Chimney’s probably right I don’t know what I was thinking. Bygones and all that right?” The fake cheer he injected into his voice was grating on his own ears, but Chimney seemed to buy it, clapping a hand down on his shoulder good-naturedly.
“Onwards and upwards, Buck!”
Hen frowned, not as easily convinced, but let the matter drop as she headed further into the station. Bobby stood by the bottom of the stairs, turning to face them as they approached.
“What’s up Cap? You… Woah - that’s a good looking man right there”
“Where the lie? And I like girls.”
Buck shuffled forwards, glancing at Bobby with a furrowed brow. “Huh?”
“We have a new recruit, transferred in from AFD. He was a combat medic and has six years experience with the department over in Austin. The guys over at -”
Buck zoned out Bobby’s voice as a lick of jealousy curled at the bottom of his spine, a burning ember that was quickly drowned out by panic as he set eyes on the new firefighter. His back was to them, but Buck’s eyes zeroed in on the hickey on the juncture where his shoulder met his neck - knew where to look instinctively. He had given it to him, after all.
Struck with the urge to both hide and scream, Buck did neither, seemingly unable to move as the team approached to say their hellos.
He watched with dread bubbling in his stomach as Hen and Chimney embraced the new firefighter, all smiles and laughter. He slotted in so easily, as if he had been here this whole time, and that alone made him feel sick.
Buck knew that it was his turn to approach - to welcome him to the firehouse - to do anything besides stare.
He couldn’t, though. So he stood outside of the locker room, making the other man come to him.
Eddie faltered for a moment as their eyes met - imperceptible to most, but Buck was so hyper-focused on everything he did that it was impossible to miss. He recovered smoothly, approaching with his hand outstretched.
Buck ignored the memories that rushed to the forefront of his brain - of the many ways in which those hands had made him come undone - and slapped on the fakest smile of the day. He knew the smile didn’t reach his eyes, too pained to hide his true emotions at that level, but it would be enough to convince the others that were non-subtly watching from the locker room.
“Hey B-“
“I’m Buck.” Their hands met, and Buck ignored the twinge in his chest, letting go as soon as he possible could without seeming too rude. “And you are?”
“Eddie.” A small frown flashed across his face before he could control it. “Eddie Diaz.”
“Right. Nice to meet you.” Buck stepped away, making a beeline for the stairs. “God, I could use some coffee!”
Buck needed to get away before he cracked, nails biting into the flesh of his hands. His façade dropped the second he was out of sight, climbing the steps two-at-a-time, completely bypassing the kitchen as he headed up to the roof.
His mind raced with a million possibilities: would Bobby replace him if he couldn’t play nice with Eddie? He had been there longer, but at his core he knew he was still an outsider, a freshly graduated probie who had a problem with rules. He was easily replaceable, a fact that had been proven time and time again throughout his life.
He couldn’t have been stood there overthinking for more than three minutes when the door swung open behind him, footsteps approaching him.
“Nice to meet you? Seriously?”
Buck whirled around, eyes wide. “Me, seriously?”
“Yes!”
“What was I supposed to say? Oh, hi! You’re the guy who chucked me out of his house when his girlfriend came home!”
“She’s not my girlfriend -“
“Oh, great, that’s even better. A wife.” His hands flew up as his voice raised. “You m-made me climb out of a fucking - a fucking window!”
“Buck -“
“If I had known you were - were married I would have never ever gone near you. Ever! I don’t know how you get off on - on doing that to someone, but if I knew I - I - I would’ve never -“
“Buck!” Eddie stepped into his space, placing a hand over his mouth to stop his shouts, grunting as Buck pushed him off.
“Don’t touch me!”
“Okay!” He raised his hands in surrender, stepping back as the younger man’s chest heaved. “I’m sorry, but you need to calm down.”
The authority in Eddie’s voice made something primal in Buck respond, shoulders falling as the fight rushed out of him. Its sudden disappearance left a gaping hole, hurt on full display.
“I thought y-you were different. You - I thought you saw me.” Buck was distantly horrified that tears had begun to collect in his eyes, voice cracking slightly with emotion. “I thought you liked me.”
Eddie swallowed heavily, guilt simmering low in his stomach, hands flexing as he desperately thought of how to fix it. “I did - I do, Buck.”
“No you don’t! I was stupid to think that - to think you wanted anything more than what you could take from me! What was I, e-easy pickings?”
“Buck, no.”
“People never stay! But you let me stay the night, and I -“ he broke off into weak laughter, a tinge of mania fraying at the edges as he backed into the brick half-wall, “I… I actually thought that you liked me. That morning -”
Eddie took a small step towards him, “Can you just let me explain. Please.”
“There’s nothing to explain.”
“Yes. There is.”
Buck scoffed, folding his arms protectively across his chest. “Fine.”
Eddie sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I should start with an apology. When Shannon came in I panicked. I should never have sent you through the window. That was a dick move, and by the time I… I realised we never exchanged numbers and I had no way to find you again - no way to explain.”
Buck’s stomach clenched at the way the woman’s name fell from his lips - familiar, soft. It made him feel worse somehow, to know the name of the woman he had helped to hurt, no matter how unaware he had been of it.
“She was bringing our son back after he had spent the weekend with her -“
“You have a son together? I feel sick -“ Buck almost honest-to-god whined, hands wrapping around his sides in a self-soothing hug as he hung his head low. “Hurting your wife was bad enough, but your son?”
“Buck just listen, please! She - Shannon is my ex-wife. We share custody. I wasn’t expecting her back so early, okay? I panicked because I didn’t want my son to see a half-naked man coming out of my bedroom.”
The younger man froze at that, trying to read the truthfulness of the words. Eddie took another step towards him, now close enough to touch if he reached out to the full extension of his arms.
“I don’t… I don’t bring people to my home. Ever. It’s not an excuse, but I just panicked. That’s the whole of it. I’m an idiot and I ruined a beautiful moment and I can only apologise for it.”
The words hung heavily in the air, Buck shifting his weight between both feet unsteadily. After what felt like a millennia, he chanced a look upwards. Eddie looked sincere. He had a furrowed brow, bottom lip drawn into his mouth where he was biting down on it.
As their eyes met, he continued. “I know that you don’t owe me anything, that I acted poorly… so I’ll follow your lead. If you want to wipe that slate clean, then I can - I can pretend we’ve never met. If you…” his voice got quieter, “If you decide you can’t work with me, I’ll transfer. It might not be immediate but I promise you I’ll ask the Captain -“
Buck was interrupting before he realised his mouth was moving. “Y-you … you don’t have to transfer.”
Eddie let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “Thank god - I mean, I would have done if you asked but that saves me a lot of stress.”
“I - do you want to… wipe the slate?” Buck cringed, averting his eyes down to Eddie’s hands that were clenched at his sides.
“No.” The answer came so quickly that the words surprised both men. Eddie winced. “I mean, no I don’t want to pretend. To be honest, I don’t think I can act like nothing ever happened between us.”
Buck let out a soft noise, shuffling slightly in place. “I don’t think I can pretend either.”
Eddie stepped towards him, moving his hand slowly towards Buck’s chin, giving him time to step away if he wanted to.
He didn’t.
Eddie tilted Buck’s head up, smiling hopefully as he searched his face. “How about a partial do-over? Tomorrow after our shift. I’ll buy.”
“Like a date?”
“Yeah, like a date.”
Buck shuffled slightly, brain buzzing from the light touch of Eddie’s calloused fingers. Without realising it he began to sway forwards, focus resting on the man’s lips.
Eddie smirked, noticing the focus. “No kissing until you’ve accepted the date, Buck.”
“Yeah ok.” The words were rushed out, the end slightly muffled as their lips crashed together. Eddie’s hands flew down to grip Buck’s waist, the firm hold pulling a moan out of the younger man, his hands rushing to take hold of Eddie’s hair.
The kiss wasn’t gentle. It was desperate. An apology and a promise in one.
In that moment, a wave of certainty crashed over him. This was it for him. Eddie was it.
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley
Whumptober #1 : Beg for forgiveness
Summary: Buck helps Eddie take the leap to get Christopher back from Texas.
Word Count: 3,243
-
Diaz men didn’t beg.
Pride was something that his father held in the highest regard, making sure from a young age that Eddie understood just how important it was to ‘be a man’. Men took what they want, work hard, and never appear weak.
Eddie had lived under those intense expectations for decades of his life, but since moving to LA and having bi-weekly therapy sessions with Frank, he had come to his own conclusion:
His father was full of shit.
Not only was pride a literal mortal sin - a contradiction that Eddie was always conflicted on due to his parent’s borderline obsession using with biblical teachings to tell him all the ways he failed at being a good son - but being a father himself made him painfully aware of how too much pride is harmful.
The first time Eddie’s father came up in therapy, Frank had asked him a question that shone an uncomfortable light on the truths of his childhood.
“You say your father was too prideful to accept that he was wrong… does this mean that you have never received an apology from him?”
Eddie had blinked, frowning slightly. “I… I don’t think so. No.”
“How did conflict get solved in your household growing up?”
Frank was doing that bullshit therapy thing where he just stare into his soul, waiting for him to crack and reveal things he would otherwise never speak aloud. He hated that trick, and he hated that it worked. Eddie allowed himself to cross his arms.
“I - I had to accept that I was wrong.”
“Were you?”
Eddie shook his head without conscious thought, multiple examples jumping to the forefront of his mind. “Not always, no. It didn’t matter though, my father could never be wrong…”
“So someone had to be?” Frank finished his sentence.
“I never wanted to be like that with Christopher. He has his own voice, own opinions… god knows he’s comfortable enough to tell me when I’ve messed up. I know I’m far from a perfect dad - might not even be a good one -“
Frank raised an eyebrow at that, “Try that again, please.”
“I - fine. I try my best to give Chris a life that he deserves, and…” he trailed off, looking at Frank helplessly.
Deciding to take pity on him - a rarity in these sessions - Frank leaned forwards. “Don’t you think that the fact Christopher feels so comfortable telling you when he thinks you’re wrong is in fact a testament to your parenting?”
“Um. Maybe?”
“You have brought Christopher up with not only the communication skills needed to air his grievances, but have created a home environment where he feels safe enough to express his upset to you without fear or shame.”
The two men were quiet for a few minutes, Eddie letting the words settle the churning of his stomach. Hope was a dangerous thing, and he could feel the spark begin to light within him.
“You think… is that enough?”
“Enough for what, Eddie?”
“For - for him to come home.”
Frank tilted his head slightly, eyes kind. “I think that is something that you have control over. He is your child, and you know him better than anyone. Christopher was hurt - is still holding on to that hurt as it’s something he can be sure of. What he needs now is to see that his father wants him to come home. As the parent, he needs you to take the first step.”
Eddie nodded, that spark turning into a small flame. “Right.”
-
The sound of clattering from the kitchen would have alarmed Eddie if he hadn’t become so used to Buck breaking in in the mornings to bake.
“Your kitchen is just so much bigger Eds” he had said, flour smeared on his cheek, “besides I have most of my things over here anyway.”
Eddie could read between the lines - could hear what Buck was kind enough to not say out loud. He was worried for him being alone in the house for too long, finding another reason to spend time in the Diaz house that made it seem like a favour and not what it was: a lifeline.
If Eddie was braver he wouldn’t let Buck hide behind the excuse. He would grab him by the shoulders and kiss him until they pulled apart - would breathe an ‘I love you’ against his lips, thank him for keeping him going since Chris ran away.
But Eddie was not brave enough. Not yet.
So he pretended that he was doing Buck a favour by letting him use the kitchen, greeting him as he stumbled out of his room with a fond eye roll.
“Morning!” Buck called, smiling widely, “I’m making scones!”
Eddie huffed a laugh, hip checking him out of the way so he could reach the coffee machine. “Scones? Are you watching that British baking show again?”
“Mary Berry is an icon and I would trust her with my life.”
“So that’s a yes then.”
Buck nudged his shoulder with an elbow, “If you must know I’m rewatching the old seasons. Did you know in the first seasons they used to do little history segments where they teach you about old-timey baking? It was actually really interesting! They went to see how bread used to be made -“
Eddie moved to the kitchen table, letting Buck’s information dump wash over him. There was a unique serenity in these mornings; a few stolen moments where Eddie could pretend that everything was perfect - that Christopher could come out of his bedroom at any moment and join in with Buck’s chatter.
He felt something within himself shutter as he remembered just how far away Christopher was, the small smile that had been pulling at his lips slipping off.
Buck noticed in an instant, frowning as he approached. “Hey, Eddie? Where did you go just now?”
“Just - Chris.”
He knew Buck missed his son just as much as he did, no more words needed to explain the weight sitting on his chest. Buck nodded, Eddies own sadness mirrored in blue eyes.
“He’s going to come back. I know it.”
“I just… Frank said something to me and I can’t get it out of my head.”
Buck looked shocked. Eddie rarely ever volunteered information about his therapy. “Oh?”
“He just… he said that Chris needs to know that I want him to come home.”
“Of course he knows that, Eddie -“
“But what if he doesn’t? I’ve been so scared of pushing too hard any time I get to talk to him that I don’t think-“ he broke off, swallowing heavily through the guilt that sat heavily in his throat. “I don’t think I’ve actually told him I want him to come home.”
“Oh.”
Buck crouched by his side, hand hesitantly pulling apart Eddie’s own. He hadn’t noticed he had been digging his nails into his palm until that moment, wincing slightly.
“I need -“
“I know. I’ve got you Eddie.”
He was allowed a moment of weakness, he decided. He didn’t fight the tears as he collapsed forwards, burying his head into the space between Buck’s shoulder and neck.
Buck held him through the shakes, one hand gripping at the nape of Eddie’s neck, the other running up and down the length of his back.
As he resurfaced, Buck’s teary eyes met his. “We w-will fix this Eddie. Step by step.”
“Thank you.”
The word was heavy with everything he couldn’t quite say, but the crinkles at the corner of Buck’s eyes gave Eddie hope that he understood.
-
A whole shift later, Buck came up to him in the locker room, a nervous smile on his lips as he brandished his phone in Eddie’s face.
“I just talked to Cap, we have a week off.”
“Wh- Buck?”
In lieu of an answer, Buck pushed his phone into Eddie’s hand. Two flights to El Paso.
“I… really?”
“I was thinking about what you said, and I think you sometimes need a push to do what you want. S-so here it is. The push that is.”
Eddie was hit with the overwhelming want to kiss Buck square on the mouth.
He resisted, pulling him into a tight hug instead. “Thank you.”
“You can thank me once we’re on the plane. I-it may be in three hours.”
“Buck!”
-
Having made the flight with ten minutes to spare, Eddie was feeling slightly less grateful for his partner’s impulsivity.
“In two hours we’ll be in the same state as Chris,” Buck grinned, wiggling in the airplane seat like an overexcited child.
A twinge of dread cut through the excitement in Eddie’s stomach. “What if he doesn’t want to see me at all?”
“Then we respect that and try again tomorrow.”
“But Buck -“
“Eddie. Come on, this is Chris. He’s still your son. You’re still his dad.”
“He barely talks to me over the phone -“
A hand clamped down on his shoulder, Buck levelling him with the most sincere look he could muster. “Step by step, remember?”
“Right.” Eddie let out a controlled breath, willing the anxiety down. “Step by step.”
Buck, recognising the minor terror on Eddie’s face, offered his hand.
Eddie didn’t let go of it until after the plane landed two hours later.
-
“Edmundo you can’t just show up-“
“Mom please. I’m not here to fight. I just need to see my son - I need to know he’s okay.”
“You think I don’t know how to look after my grandson? Ramon!”
“That’s not what I said - mom -“
He could feel Buck’s eyes burning into his back from the rental car, giving him a small hand motion that read very clearly as ‘stay in the car’.
Buck was never very good at following instructions.
He could feel his mother’s angry gaze slip from Eddie and move on to Buck as he came to rest at his side.
“And who is this?”
“Ma, you know who it is. You’ve met before.”
To his credit, his best friend was unshaken, stepping forwards with his hand extended. “Hi ma’am. I’m Buck.”
She didn’t accept the shake, Buck stepping back awkwardly.
Ramon appeared at that moment, frown on his face. “Mijo? What are you doing here.”
“Hi dad. I’m here to speak to my son.”
Surprisingly, his dad nodded. “Good.”
Helena looked at her husband with angry eyes, but decided against saying anything. As Ramon stepped aside to let them in, Buck gestured back towards the car.
“I can wait in there -“
“No. Come inside.” Helena said, the words sounding painful.
At Buck’s confused look, Eddie leaned in to whisper in his ear. “It’ll look bad to the neighbours.”
Buck nodded in understanding, but couldn’t hide the lack of enthusiasm he had to sit in the Diaz household whilst waiting. Forever the best friend, he swallowed down his complaints and stepped into the threshold.
“Thank you Mrs Diaz.” Buck said, the picture of a polite guest.
Helena’s replying smile was strained.
-
Christopher had been staying in Eddie’s old bedroom, Ramon waving him off to talk to his son.
He knocked twice on the door. “Mijo -“
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
Eddie barely withheld his wince, “I know. I don’t blame you. Just… could you please just listen?”
After a solid minute the door creaked open. Christopher didn’t speak, walking back over to his bed and drawing his legs up so that he was lying in the foetal position.
Taking the invitation, Eddie walked in and closed the door, sitting down on the very edge of Christopher’s bed.
“Okay… first I need to tell you just how sorry I am. I should never have hidden anything from you, and that woman should never have come back to our house. I crossed a line and you are completely right to be mad at me about that.”
Christopher scoffed, face twisting into something ugly. Sensing he was losing him, Eddie hurried his next words.
“All that to say, I made a mistake. It’s not an excuse and I’d never ask you to forget it, but Chris I’m only human. I’m your dad, and I know I’ve been a shit one recently but I love you. I love you more than anything in this world kid, and I can’t pretend that you being in El Paso without me makes sense anymore. Because it doesn’t. You belong at home, with me.”
“Language.”
The quiet word broke a laugh out of Eddie. “Sorry.”
A shuffle beside him indicated Chris was pulling himself into a seated position. Progress.
“I thought -“ Chris broke himself off, frown intensifying as his words got a little louder, rage licking at every syllable. “I thought it was her. Mom. It was like I lost her all over again and it was your fault.”
“I know Chris, and I’m so sorry.”
“You dont know!”
“I do. When I first saw Kim, I - I thought it was Shannon. I miss her so much and I thought if I could just talk to her again… but I didn’t ask her to come to the house. I had confessed to Kim that she looked like your mom and she cut her hair and I -“ Eddie’s voice gave out, tears burning at his throat. He turned his head away from Chris as he attempted to pull himself together. “I’m sorry I put you through that Chris.”
“You… you didn’t invite her home?”
The question was so quiet Eddie almost missed it.
“No, mijo. I didn’t.”
Contemplative silence settled across the room, Eddie breaking it after a few moments.
“I know that’s not an excuse, and I know that I had the choice to see her and you didn't. I'm the adult in the situation and I should have been stronger."
"Dad..."
"I promise you kid, I would never, never do anything on purpose to hurt you. And I’m not expecting anything from you right now, I know you're still mad, but Christopher I am asking you please to talk to me. We can’t fix this if we continue ignoring it.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“I got a week off of work, and I’ll be here every day until you feel like you can talk to me again. Until you tell me what you want to do.”
“What I want to do?”
"Yeah. What you want is important to me."
"And what if... what if I don't want to talk at all this week?"
Eddie took a measured breath. "Then I'll work it out. My home is wherever you are kid.”
Before Chris could ask what that meant, a soft knock on the bedroom door distracted them.
“All good in there?”
Christopher shot up from his seat, walking over to the door in record speed and throwing it wide open.
“Buck?”
The borderline squeal was swallowed by Buck’s arms as the two launched into a hug.
“Superman! I’ve missed you buddy!”
“You’re here?”
Eddie watched the two of them, chest aching as the two halves of his life reunited. He couldn’t even find it within himself to be jealous of the way his kid was so excited to see Buck - a big contrast to the cold welcome he had received himself.
He couldn’t feel anything but admiration as he watched Buck bring a smile out of Chris that he hadn’t seen in months.
“It’s time for Christopher to do his homework” Helena said, walking down the corridor, not doing very well at hiding her distaste for Chris’ enthusiasm toward Buck. “You should leave now.”
Eddie clenched a fist by his side, willing himself to stay calm. She was his mother and this was her house. He conveyed that message to Buck as their eyes met, standing up from the bed.
“Okay. We’ll be back tomorrow.”
He carefully didn’t phrase it as a question, using every therapy tool in his box to keep his bravery on the other end of his mother’s withering look.
“Christopher has a chess match tomorrow -“
His son made himself slightly smaller at the reminder, “I don’t mind. They can - I can miss that one.”
“No Chris, it’s important that we keep our appointments.”
“All due respect mom, Chris can speak for himself. I’m sure his opponent will understand.”
“Edmundo, you can’t just stride in here and interrupt our lives.”
“He’s my son.”
The words escaped without conscious thought, almost as a hiss. Buck moved ever so slightly closer to Eddie, the proximity calming him.
“I’m sorry. I appreciate you looking after him, and I will try to be respectful of any routines you have started, but I only have a week here and I will be seeing my son when he wants me to.”
Helena looked displeased, but was appropriately pacified at his apology. “Fine. You can see him after chess. That’s 4.30pm.”
Eddie looked at Chris, ignoring his mother for the time being. “Is that ok Chris? Maybe on the weekend we can do something earlier?”
Chris nodded, hesitantly looking between Buck, Eddie and Helena. “Yeah. That’s okay.”
Helena stood in the doorway, an unspoken ‘get out of my house’ thickening the air. Buck took the hint, giving Chris a goodbye hug.
“I’ll hop in the car… get the- the AC started.”
Eddie just nodded, looking at Chris. He couldn’t get a read on his body language, his kid staring resolutely at the floor.
“I’ll see you tomorrow mijo. I love you.”
Chris didn’t say anything. Deciding to cut his losses, Eddie began to move towards the door, coming to a halt as small arms wrapped around his waist. They released him almost immediately, but Eddie caught his son’s eye for long enough to smile at him.
The flame of hope in his chest flickered, glowing just a little bit brighter.
-
The drive to the hotel was filled with Buck’s mindless chatter, Eddie unable to muster any words of his own.
He followed Buck in a daze, blinking heavily once the hotel room door closed behind them.
“Eddie?”
Buck looked slightly lost, uncertain. It didn’t suit him, so Eddie did the only thing he could think of: he pulled him into a bone crushing hug.
“Oh. This is nice.”
“Thank you,” Eddie whispered, voice hoarse, “for everything.”
“Of course. Anything for m-the Diaz boys, you know that.”
Eddie shook his head, murmuring into the skin of Buck’s neck. “How are you real?”
Buck laughed, a self-conscious humble thing, and patted Eddie’s back. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Just feeling a lot of feelings.”
“I see that, man.”
“Christopher hugged me when I left.”
“Really?” Buck cheered, holding Eddie’s shoulder and dipping so that he could meet his eye. “E-Eddie that's amazing."
He smiled a wobbly smile. "I owe you so much."
"You would have come, with or without me Eds. I just... gave you a little push, that's all."
Eddie held back as anther wave of want crashed over him, suddenly feeling uncharacteristically brave. "One step at a time, right?"
"E-exactly."
Eddie nodded, moving Buck's hand from his shoulder and holding it tightly in his own. "Maybe - once we bring our kid home, maybe we can talk about us?"
Buck's eyes widened, mouth falling slightly open. "Uh- yes. Yes I - are you sure?"
"I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life."
Title: just admit it
Pairing: eddie diaz/evan buckley
Word count: 5,221
Summary: Chris is sick of his dad being in love with Buck and not doing anything about it, so he decides to make it impossible for them to avoid.
Christopher Diaz had a plan.
He was fourteen now, and he could read a room thank you very much. His dad loved Buck, and he was pretty sure Buck loved him back just as much. They were a family and he didn’t understand why the two men couldn’t see it.
Diaz men were not known for their patience.
Abuela had said that once when she was telling Christopher off for trying to grab the cookie jar off of the shelf, and he would’ve been more annoyed if he didn’t feel so guilty. That wasn’t the point though. Cookie stealing aside, for the last seven years he had to watch Buck and his dad tiptoe around their feelings for each other, and now Christopher was reaching his breaking point.
If he had to watch his dad attempt to date one more woman he thought he would go mad. Plus, he really hated that dinosaur that Buck had started hanging out with. He was ugly and rude and Chris wanted him gone.
He wasn’t entirely sure how his dad couldn’t see it, but everything he was looking for had been right in front of him the whole time.
-
Point one: Dad wanted a co-parent.
When he had broken up with Ms Flores - which was awkward enough with her being Chris’ old teacher, thanks a lot dad - Eddie had said something about dating her to find a parent for Chris. At the time he had thought it was stupid, he had a mum and he didn’t want some random woman to take her place.
Buck though? Buck had been like a second father to him ever since they met, but he had never tried to fill the hole that his mum had left. He took him to appointments when his dad was busy. He came to events at his school, baking cupcakes and cookies that always sold really well in the bake sale. Buck had even looked after him when his dad was in the hospital, and had taken him to visit his mother's grave in his dad's absence.
He trusted Buck with his life. The man had already proven he could keep both him and his dad safe. What else is a parent if not someone who fights for you through thick and thin?
Chris remembers the tsunami, how Buck had pulled him from the choppy waters and kept him safe until he could get to safety. He remembers the days afterwards, how he overheard his dad on the phone, saying that Buck had kept walking for hours to look for Chris after they’d been separated. How he had never given up.
He also remembers the weeks afterwards, where Buck would sleep on the sofa just to be close in case Chris woke up with nightmares. They had been really scary, his mum drowning in the ocean water as he screamed out for anyone to help him. Waking up to Buck helped him realise he was safe, that he had made it out.
On the particularly bad nights, his dad used to hold him while Buck sat at the foot of the bed and spoke about the stars, distracting him with stories of space and legends. That had been the origin of their monthly trip to the Griffith Observatory, something that Chris looked forward to the whole month. During moments of chaos, that had been the one constant he could rely on.
One day he had come back from school and there was a space projector beaming a nebula on to his ceiling. He might have cried a little bit, but he’d never admit that. Not even to Carla who had walked in on him mid sob. He had been able to play it off as a very hard sneeze - she totally believed him.
Basically, Chris wanted Buck to be his second dad. It just made sense.
-
Point two: His dad felt comfortable with Buck.
Dad was always really awkward when he was with his girlfriends. It almost seemed like he was not interested in talking to them, while also being anxious around them.
Chris knew that taking girls on dates was supposed to be exciting - like before he took Penny to the cinema he had butterflies in his stomach. His dad would pace around the house before a date like he was getting ready for a funeral, dread written all over his face.
He was totally different with Buck, getting excited when he came over, always trying to plan more times they could see each other. Plus, Chris was normally invited on the fun trips so that definitely scored Buck another point.
Chris also knew that when you liked someone you wanted to listen to them. Every girlfriend he had ever had (and yes he had dated quite a few due to his amazing charm that he definitely did not get from his dad) was interesting to listen to. Chris never got annoyed when they wanted to talk about their interests, just as long as they would listen to his as well.
When his dad had Ana over, he would almost always direct the conversation back to Christopher. It was really awkward, because Chris didn’t want to have to tell her all about the girl drama at school - what if she talked to the other teachers about it? That was weird!
When Buck was around though, his dad would listen to every word that came out of his mouth as if it was gospel truth. Sometimes, he would literally put his chin on his hand and watch him with hearts in his eyes - Chris would say it’s embarrassing if he didn’t want them to be together so bad.
Even weirder still was when he asked Marisol to move in, just to freak out when he realised he had to be with her all the time, breaking up with her a few days later. When Buck came over he would sometimes stay for days, sleeping on the sofa, and it was totally normal. After coming back from Texas Buck had just... not moved out of the house. It seemed like the most logical thing to do, and Chris loved having him there in the mornings. He knew his dad did too - the other day Chris had walked in on him on the phone to Buck's realtor to tell her that the man couldn't make it to an apartment showing when he was completely free. His dad had sworn him to silence by way of a crisp $20.
-
Point three (kind of connected to point two): He was 90% sure his dad was gay.
For all his time thinking about it, Chris didn’t know exactly how that factored into his dad loving his mum. That was all a bit too confusing for him at the moment, and Ms Parker at school had said that you could never truly know what was going on in someone else’s head so should never assume. He didn’t want to upset his dad by asking about it though, so he was pushing that aside for the moment.
The thing was this: Chris refused to believe his dad was that bad at dating. As a Diaz, he didn’t want to be genetically cursed to be bad at having girlfriends.
His dad had always seemed to treat his girlfriends like a bit of a back up option. If Buck was busy, then he would arrange to see them out of obligation, and only if Chris was already doing something. He never seemed excited in the same way as when he was hanging out with Buck.
That wasn’t even including the amount that his dad talked about Buck. It was always ‘oh Buck said we should try this dish’ or ‘don’t eat those chocolates they’re for Buck’ or ‘do you think Buck would like this drink?’. It was constant. Buck was Chris’ best friend, but even he could tell the amount his name was said in their house was probably too much.
After the breakup with Marisol his dad hadn’t been too upset, instead it almost seemed like he was relieved. It was the total opposite that time that Buck hadn’t been around for a few months. His dad had moped around the house, getting angry over little things (he tried to hide that from Chris, but he had once walked in on him flipping off the coffee machine). He still didn’t really know why he wasn’t allowed to see Buck, but he did know that his return had been like a breath of fresh air. His dad had been happy again, and the empty void in the Diaz house had been filled.
Then his dad had been an idiot, messed up everything and - not the point. Chris was over that. He was. He would’ve gone to Buck, but he was so intertwined with his dad that he just couldn’t trust that Buck would be on his side. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, it was good that Buck had his back. He would’ve wanted to fix the Diaz family, and that was not what Chris had wanted at the time.
After his dad followed him to Texas… it was like his dad didn’t even know how to function in a space where Buck wasn’t around. The day they came back to LA he thought his dad was going to vibrate out of his skin before seeing Buck. The word co-dependent came to mind, but Chris was trying to be nice now.
-
The two men had been running around in circles for years, so it was up to Chris to do something about it.
Carla was on his side - she had seen how Buck looked at his dad and vice versa, and was all too happy to join in on his masterplan to ‘finally get them together’. Now all that was left was to set the plan in motion.
He had Aunt Maddie’s phone number for emergencies, and this was definitely one of those.
“Hello?”
“Maddie!”
“Christopher? Is everything ok?”
“Yeah. I need some help with a plan I have.”
She hummed curiously, “Oh? And what plan is that?”
“I need to set up a romantic dinner.”
“Uh… isn’t this something you should get your dad to help you with, honey?”
He sighed, shaking his head. “I cant do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s for him and Buck, obviously.”
Maddie let out a choked noise, voice a pitch higher when she next spoke. “A date? For Buck and Eddie?”
“Yes. They’ve been avoiding it long enough and I don’t want dad to get another denial-girlfriend before he makes a move… and it needs to be before Buck gets roped in by that Tim guy.”
“I-“ she broke off with a laugh, “Chris, I don’t know if this is the best way to go about it.”
He frowned, “Well if I leave it to them it’s going to be another hundred years before anything happens!”
When he got no reply, Chris checked to see if the call had dropped out. He didn’t think what he was asking was too crazy, but Maddie's reaction was making him wonder. After a few moments, Maddie spoke again, more composed.
“What sort of dinner were you planning?”
Christopher grinned, glad she was on board, and flipped open his notebook.
“I was going to see if we could get dinner from the Thai place down the street - it’s their favourite - and some flowers and candles for the table. I can get Carla to help me set up the table before they come home from their shift tonight, but I need some help with getting the dinner here.”
“Okay… if you send me their order I can do that.”
“Yes! I knew you’d help me Aunt Maddie.”
“A-aunt?”
“Yeah, you’re Bucks sister aren’t you? ”
“Uh, yes. Yes I am. Okay… they finish their shift at 8pm right?”
“I’ll need the food by 8.20. Carla said that would give it five minutes until they arrive so we can dish it up, but not long enough that it’ll go gross and cold.”
“Right. I’ll see you then, Chris.”
“Thanks!”
Hanging up, Chris drew a massive tick next to the food section of his plan, texting the order to Maddie and making his way out to the kitchen.
Carla was stood at the table, hands on her hips as she looked around. “What are we thinking, sweet? Do you want us to set up in here?”
He nodded, “We should get one of those white sheets like they do in the fancy restaurants - and candles! Lots of candles!”
“Maybe let’s not go crazy with the candles. We know how clumsy Buckaroo is and I’d rather not have your house burn down before they can start on dinner.”
That made sense, but he still frowned. “Okay. One candle then. In the middle of the table?”
“That seems more manageable. Anything else on that list of yours?”
“Yes!” Chris waved her over to the table, placing his notebook down. “We need to get their favourite drinks, and maybe flowers? I was thinking of taking some of the daffodils from next door. I’m sure they won’t mind.”
Carla looked over the page, eyebrows rising. “This is some great planning Christopher.”
She sounded almost surprised. Chris tried to withhold the frown on his face - of course he had thought this through, it had been years in the making. Still, she was helping him, so he dialled up the charm and smiled widely at her.
“Thanks Carla, you’re the best. I’ve missed you.”
“Aww, come here you.”
-
Everything looked perfect, if he did say so himself.
The table was set just like the fancy Italian restaurant they had gone to after his dad’s ceremony at the firehouse. Carla had followed his instructions down to the letter, the fancy plates from the back of the cupboard sandwiched with fancy cutlery, all organised on top of a crisp white sheet. A single candle flickered in the middle of the table, a small bunch of daffodils on either side.
He was rather proud of himself.
The door knocked at exactly 8:22, and he rushed over with his crutches to let Maddie in.
“You made it! Quick quick- Carla the foods here!”
The woman rushed out of the kitchen, exchanging pleasantries with Maddie as she took the bags.
“Thank you but you have to go now. They can’t see your car or they’ll know something’s happening.”
He was a little bit worried that Maddie would think he was being rude, but he really wanted this to go well. Thankfully, she had just laughed.
“Ok, but I expect pictures.”
“Promise!”
In the next few minutes, Carla helped him get all the food dished up and plated. They had just finished up when the door swung open.
“Mijo, we’re home!”
-
Eddie was not an overly suspicious person, but there had been something in his son’s eyes when he’d said goodbye before his latest shift.
Chris had been too happy to see him go, and yeah maybe that was a by-product of the dreaded teenage years, but there was something almost… calculating in his gaze. Like he was waiting for him to leave so he could do something he otherwise wouldn’t be able to.
It was a bit off-putting.
He had relayed these worries to Buck when he had picked him up - I mean his kid had started taking Ubers by himself behind his back for gods sake, he had reason to worry - but the other man assured him Chris was just excited about his day with Carla. Apparently they had some 'reunion crafts' planned.
The shift had passed relatively quickly, with only two actual fire-related calls.
That meant he had a lot of time with Buck, doing their chores around the firehouse together. Those were Eddie's favourite times, listening to Buck’s random fact dumps of the day uninterrupted as they made the engine shine.
He had missed this when he was in Texas - had missed the ease that came with just existing in the same space as Buck. It was the time in his day where he felt most comfortable in his skin, arranging day trips they wanted to do with Chris on their 48 off. This week it looked like they were going to head up to the zoo.
“They’ve got a new penguin,” Buck had said, blue eyes twinkling, “I think Chris is going to love it - did you know that penguins used to be able to fly? Their evolution made them more adapted to water so they traded flight for swimming, and they’re now the fastest swimming and deepest-diving species of any bird on the planet!”
“Really?”
“Yeah! The only time they can’t swim is after they lose their feathers because it gets too cold for them. They lose all of them in one go - it’s called a catastrophic malt - and it means they sometimes have to go weeks without eating anything.”
Eddie caught himself staring at Buck’s lips, forcing his gaze back up to his eyes. He loved how passionate he would get when talking about his interests. He could listen to him for hours - hell, Buck could read the ingredients list of everything in the kitchen and he’d still find it interesting.
Shaking himself slightly, Eddie realised Buck had asked him something and was looking at him expectantly. “Yeah we’ll definitely have to check that out then.”
“Really? You don’t think Chris…” Buck’s voice got quieter. “Do you think he’ll still want to go?”
Eddie recognised Buck’s slight hunched posture as he braced for rejection, subtle enough that anyone else wouldn’t have noticed it. Eddie knew him though, right to his core.
“Hey, he’s missed you like crazy. That includes your trips to the zoo.” Eddie clapped him on the shoulder, letting his hand stay there for a moment longer than he would normally. “And I know that he wants to go to the observatory with us sometime this month.”
“Okay… cool.” Buck smiled, spine straightening and volume returning to normal. “Y’know giraffes only drink water every few days? It’s because they get most of their water from the leaves they eat -“
He let Buck’s voice drift over him as he continued his chores, smiling to himself.
That day at lunch Bobby had made his famous lasagne. Sitting around the table with his team made him feel a sense of calm, one of the first concrete signs that everything was returning to normal.
“Stop hogging the bread Eddie” Chimney whined, “I want to eat this before the alarm goes off again.”
Hen hit her friend on the arm, glaring from behind her thick rimmed glasses. “If you jinx us before I can inhale this meal I swear to god Chim I will make you regret getting out of bed this morning.”
Chimney waved her off, accepting the bread bowl from Eddie with a grin, eyes fixing on Buck. “So, when are you next seeing Tommy?”
“Oh. Uh - I don’t think that’s going to be a thing anymore.” Buck fiddled with his fork, flashing a strained smile at the man. “Apparently I’m not serious enough or something. Not worth staying for I guess!”
Eddie frowned, knocking their knees together under the table. “You didn’t tell me that. What happened?”
Buck refused to look at him. “He got bored of me I guess. It’s not a big deal or anything - hey, Hen how’s Karen getting on with that project at work?”
“Good try kid, but that’s not going to work.”
Bobby cleared his throat, cutting his lasagne up in deliberate sections. “I’m sure that when Buck is ready to talk about it, he will. Right?”
“R-right. Thanks Cap. I…” he trailed off, head bowed slightly, “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you guys but it’s just. I don’t know. It’s over and that’s kinda it. No - no big story.”
Eddie scoffed, “Well he’s an idiot and I’m glad he’s going to be leaving you alone from now on.”
Hen raised her eyebrow at him, a small smirk on her lips. “Oh really? I thought you and him were friends.”
“No? We stopped talking not long after the basketball incident.”
Chimney exchanged a glance with Hen. “Well I for one am glad that you’re not with him anymore Buck, he was kind of an asshole.”
“Yeah Buckaroo. There’s better choices for you out there. Who knows? They could be even closer than you think.”
Eddie’s frown deepened before he could help it, hating the idea of Buck jumping into something new. He had just got back - sue him if he wanted to be a bit selfish and take up all of Buck’s time. A new partner would just get in the way of that.
"You should at least pretend to not hate that idea," Ravi whispered, gesturing to his face. Eddie glared at him, but made an effort to return his face to a more neutral expression.
-
When they arrived back at the house that evening Carla slipped past them, a grin on her face and excuses on her lips.
That wouldn’t necessarily be weird, but Chris had still not come to the door, nor did he see any evidence of crafts being done in the living room.
Turning to Buck, he raised an eyebrow inquisitively. “I told you. Something’s hinky.”
“God, you’re such an old man. Hinky?” He knocked their shoulders together with a smile before heading into the house. “Chris?”
“In here!”
Buck’s hand brushed his as they stepped into the kitchen, faltering at the sight before him.
Chris was dressed in a suit - the one from his sister’s wedding two years ago that was now at least a size too small for him - and was grinning at the two of them manically. He was stood behind the kitchen table that was set up like a table for two in a restaurant, Thai food on the plates.
“Date?” Eddie could hardly recognise his voice, shock making it come out strangled and squeaky.
“Yes. Date. Now sit down before your food gets cold.”
“I - superman, I don’t think -“
Christopher crossed his arms, frowning. “I thought you two would at least sit down before I had to say something, but fine. I guess we’re going this the hard way.”
Eddie stepped forwards, “Chris -“
“You two have been on the edge of getting together since literally... forever! You both look at each other with sappy gross eyes and you get sad when you’re not together.”
“I -“ Eddie’s voice died out as his son shot him a murderous glare.
“I know you think I’m just a kid but I - I know what love looks like. It’s being excited to be with someone, and it’s choosing that person again and again and again.”
Eddie turned to Buck for some support, but the man’s head was ducked down, hands curled into fists at his sides.
Without meeting his eyes, Buck spoke. “Chris, your dad is straight.”
Eddie would pretend not to be offended by the exaggerated sound of disbelief that Chris had made.
“Oh please Buck. No he’s not.” Before Eddie could defend himself, Christopher threw his hand up to silence him. “Dad you’ve never been happy dating women. You never wanted to spend time with them, you got so nervous before seeing them and you literally said that it never felt comfortable -“
“Were you listening to my phone calls?”
“- when he was with women and that it felt like he had to perform, but you’ve never felt that with Buck ever! It was enough that every time you’re apart the both of you act like it’s the end of the world-“
“Christopher, seriously -“
“- not to mention the way you look at Buck is super duper gay dad, and that’s not a bad thing! It’s great! We love Buck! So can both of you just sit down and eat and admit you love each other already?”
Buck let out a punched-out noise from beside Eddie at Chris’ words, moving towards the seat as if that was the only thing that would make him stop talking. He was probably right, so Eddie did the same.
Satisfied that the two men were sat, Chris clapped his hands together. “Bon apple teet.”
“Bon appétit, Chris. Not apple- ok he’s leaving. Cool.” Eddie tapped on the table awkwardly, painfully aware that Buck still hadn’t met his eyes since stepping into the kitchen. “So…”
"D-did you know that daffodils symbolise new beginnings and hope? It's thought to be because of how the bulbs can survive through cold winters and -"
"Buck..."
“I don’t - we - we don’t have to do this Eds. Christopher is just… confused. I don’t know. I -“ Buck let out a stuttered breath, working himself up into a state.
Eddie placed a hand on top of Buck's, squeezing until their eyes met. His son had done all the heavy lifting; now all Eddie had to do was be brave.
"Chris isn't exactly wrong."
"What? But - you're straight. You- you've always said you're straight."
"And look at my track record. It's not exactly like I was in the healthiest relationships. I... being in Texas gave me time to think - to really think - about your place in our lives."
Buck's eyes dipped back down to the table, shoulders rising as in preparation for a hit. Even the mention of the state of Texas was enough to make him shut down, but Eddie persisted.
"I'm sorry that I had to leave you behind - hey. Buck, look at me. Thank you. That time? It made me realise that I have built my whole life in LA around you."
"Eds -"
"The feelings I have for you... I was so scared to lose everything that I just shoved my attraction into a box and crammed it in the corner of my mind because it was better for me to have you as a friend than not at all. I - I've never been with a man, that’s still true, but I think I've always known in the back of my mind that dating women felt like a lie."
Buck looked back up at him, desperation carved into every line of his face. "Eddie. Don't - not unless you... I can't if you don't -"
"I think you're it for me Buck. I think you always have been."
The tears started flowing then, a sob escaping Buck as he scrambled up from the table, ripping his hand out from under Eddie's. Before he could mourn the loss of contact, Buck was launching himself into his arms.
Eddie clambered to comfort him, pressing a hard kiss to the golden curls, sobs dying down as Buck mumbled something unintelligible into his chest. "What was that?"
He shifted so his cheek rested against the wet patch that had now formed on Eddie's t-shirt, speaking again. "Tommy broke up with me because I was in love with you."
Eddie's hand fisted into the fabric of Buck's top, pulling him impossibly closer, a bite of jealousy in his voice when he next spoke. "I don't want to hear that man's name ever again."
Buck pulled back just far enough to face him, shocked out of crying by his words. His eyes darted frantically, cataloguing every inch of Eddie's face - what he was searching for, Eddie wasn't sure. After this moment of consideration, he took a deep breath. "Give me a reason."
The words were meant to be teasing, but they were said with such desperation and longing that it fell flat. Instead, Eddie heard the words for what they were - a promise, a chance.
Now was no time to be a coward; he surged forwards and connected their lips.
There were no fireworks.
Kissing Buck was something that Eddie had thought about almost nightly when he was in Texas, his brain providing him with ideas born from the cliché rom-coms he would be forced to watch with his sisters. As it turned out, the reality was different. Different, and infinitely better.
Kissing Buck was embracing an inferno, strong and burning, encompassing them both in its overwhelming heat. Running into uncertainty hand in hand, trusting that they would have each other's back no matter the outcome.
Buck's hands flew up, one to the nape of Eddie's neck, and the other landing on his waist. Years of uncertainty finally melted away as they stepped out of the blaze together, their futures finally melded.
Buck let out a whine as they broke apart, foreheads resting together as they both fought to recover their breath.
"Good enough reason, Buck?" The words were barely formed, coming out through borderline pants.
A laugh escaped the taller man, a pink tongue darting out and running over his kiss-bruised lips. "Yeah. M-more than good enough."
Eddie smirked, placing a gentle kiss to the bridge of Buck's nose, moving up to place another one over the birth mark. "You know what this means, right?"
"I- I..."
"It means," Eddie kissed away the uncertain frown that had crept its way onto Buck's face, "that from now on," he placed another kiss to his cheek, "we're don't have to hold back," the next kiss was to his chin, "anymore." He finished his sentence by reconnecting their lips, smirking at the small sound of surprise that escaped Buck.
Eddie would happily never breathe again if it meant kissing Buck forever. The little noises that he made was his new favourite sound, the back of his mind running away with the idea of how gorgeous he would sound splayed out on a bed -
The thoughts stopped as they broke apart once more, Buck's pupils blown wide. "No more holding back?"
Eddie nodded, taking both of Buck's hands into his. "No more."
"I love you. I- I'm in love with you."
Buck's words hung in the air for a moment, spoken with such tender reverence it made the other man's breath stutter. Before Buck could read into the silence, Eddie smiled.
"I'm in love with you too."
-
"Is it safe to enter?" Chris called out, waving a crutch around in the door way to catch their attention.
Buck snorted, taking a step back from Eddie but keeping their fingers intertwined. "Yes superman, it is safe to enter the kitchen."
Chris popped his face around the corner, a cheeky grin on his lips as he meandered into the room. "Just thought I'd check. You guys went very quiet." He looked over both of them, assessing, lighting up at the sight of their hand holding. "So?"
"I owe you some thanks, mijo."
"Just tell me you're finally going to be together. I cannot take another five years of ‘will they won’t they’."
"Well, we've not actually discussed that yet -"
Buck cut Eddie off, squeezing his hand. "Yeah Chris. We're... going to be together. I'll be here as long as you guys will have me."
"Planning on sticking around forever, Buckley?"
Buck ducked his head bashfully, unable to hide the grin on his face. "Forever sounds doable."
Chris squealed then - a noise Eddie hadn't heard him make in years - and rushed towards the two of them. "Finally!"
As the three of them hugged in the kitchen, Thai food well and truly cold and forgotten on the table, the final puzzle piece slotted into place.
Title: i tried diving even though the sky was storming (i just wanted to get back to where you are)
Pairing: Eddie Diaz/Evan Buckley
Word count: 10,883
Summary: After the fallout of the lawsuit Buck gets in a car crash, meets death (?) and goes on a journey of self-discovery.
Warnings: implied suicidal ideation, description of injury
Buck's shoulders hunched as he scurried out of the locker room, trying his best not to feel the angry eyes on him anymore.
This shift had been one from hell. He had been kept as man behind for all but one call, which ended up with him being reprimanded on scene by Bobby for being 'too reckless', resulting in him being sent home 14 hours into their 24.
Buck's protests had fallen on deaf ears, Eddie's cold eyes filling with mirth as he watched his old best friend be chucked out. Hen and Chim had simply looked away.
It had been almost a month since coming back to work after the lawsuit - god, how Buck regretted the lawsuit - and he was missing his team so badly he could choke on it. No matter what he did, they didn't seem to forgive him.
And that was fine.
Buck totally understood.
He knew he was exhausting.
So, Buck bit his tongue and kept his eyes firmly on the floor until he made it to his Jeep, peeling out of the carpark with as much dignity as he could muster.
The tears blurred his vision as he drove, white knuckles clenching the steering wheel.
He would later blame these tears for making him miss the way the light turned red, for not seeing the truck until it had collided with his passenger seat door - that was better than saying he just truly didn't care.
The first thing Buck was aware of was the pain. It seeped into his bones, familiar and grounding, bordering on suffocating.
The second thing he was aware of was the alarming lack of panic. By now the firefighter was used to adrenaline. He was uniquely qualified in near-death experiences, all too intimately aware of how it feels to desperately grasp on to his mortality as it tried to slip through his bloody fingers. To fight his way back to life, to those he loved.
This time, no such feeling came.
The third, and most pressing, was his current state. He ran through an internal triage. His leg was bleeding heavily from a wound just above his right knee. The seatbelt had cut into his stomach, a shallow cut, but one that bled fiercely with help from the thinners every time he moved too far to the left. There was also some blood dripping down the side of his head - probable concussion no doubt - and the twinge in his neck was almost definitely a case of whiplash.
All in all, Buck was pretty sure he had the worst luck in the world. LA at least.
He could use his belt to stem the bleeding. Buck knew how - he had crafted torniquets from less, and his arms didn't seem to be incapacitated.
Something stopped him though; instead Buck found a weird sense of calm in watching the blood - his blood - ooze from the wound, the crimson river dripping down his leg and pooling on his car mat.
He distantly mourned the damage to his Jeep. Buck loved this Jeep. He frowned as he thought about Maddie being left with the mess to clean up after he was gone. His arms stayed still by his side.
As Buck's head started to get light, he let his mind drift to Christopher. He missed that kid so much.
--
"Hello."
Awareness crashed into Buck like a tidal wave, panic overwhelming him as he flung himself into an upright position, eyes wide.
A figure stood before him, a light in what seemed to be an endless abyss of black.
Buck's jaw fell open. "I'm so dead."
"You're not dead." The figure answered, "You are simply... in between."
Then the figure waited, for what Buck was unsure. The silence seemed to stretch on forever, getting increasingly more uncomfortable. The figure did not falter.
"W-What?"
"You are here because you are dying, but are not yet dead."
Despite himself Buck bit back a laugh. "Is this... is this real? Are you the Grim Reaper or something? Thanatos? Yama?"
The figure's head tilted to the side slightly, and Buck could swear he heard some humour in it's next words. "Or something."
Buck huffed, forcing himself to his feet. "Okay... say this is really happening. Why are you talking to me? Surely you have something more important to be doing."
"And why is that?"
He faltered, throwing his arms up as if the question itself was ridiculous. "You - you're like some other-being-thing, and I'm just an idiot from LA who crashed his car. Th-There has to be a hundred other people that are dying right now who are more important that me!"
"In all my centuries of being, I have never met a soul who was unimportant."
Buck just blinked.
"You, Evan Buckley, are here for a reason."
With that, the figure turned, disappearing as the abyss twisted around him sickeningly.
--
Buck was in his house.
His childhood house, with it's beige walls, showroom furniture, and deafening silence.
He knew his parents were gone without even having to look. He would recognise their oppressive presence within seconds, their disapproving glares and disappointed words carved into his very bones.
"Hi!"
Buck turned, flinching ever-so-slightly at the boy in front of him.
The five year old looked up at him with bright inquisitive eyes, one hand clutching a teddy bear and the other hanging awkwardly at his side, wrapped in a yellow cast. The boy tilted his head to one side, smiling. "What are you doing in my house?"
Shoving down all the emotions that started to rush at him, Buck slapped on what he hoped was a friendly smile, dropping to his knee in an attempt to seem less scary. "Hi bud! I'm Buck."
Ecstatic at the attention, the boy bounced up and down slightly, "I'm Evan!"
Buck ignored the tightness in his throat as he looked at the boy - at himself. He didn't remember ever being this small.
"Are you Maddie's friend? Is she with you?"
"Uh - yeah. Yeah I am, Evan. She - she asked me to come and check in on you."
"Oh. Okay." Evan's frowned, "She'll still be back soon though right?"
"Uh huh, sure. Do you know where your parents are?"
"They left." Evan diverted his eyes to the floor. "Mom said she needed to get out the house 'cus I was being ex-exhausting."
Buck flinched, guiltily grateful that Evan refused to look up.
For a second Buck bitterly wondered if this is what the figure had wanted - to just rub in how overbearing he was, and always had been. How he was inconveniencing people he loved before even losing his first tooth. That he was born being too much - too loud - too Buck.
Shame cut through the bitterness in seconds, eyes locking on the small child in front of him.
He allowed himself to imagine, just for a second, that it was Christopher. A five-year old Chris being told that he was too much - that he was exhausting. It made him feel sick.
So Buck did what he did best. He pushed aside his inner turmoil and focused on the person in front of him - who needed him - and smiled.
"Hey, lucky for you that I happen to have a whole lot of energy. Wanna play something?"
The bright toothy grin returned in a second, Evan rushing forwards and latching on to Buck's leg. "You mean it?" At the man's nod, Evan screeched with joy, grabbing his hand and dragging him towards the backroom, "We can play pirates! Maddie bought me some swords!"
--
Eddie was not having a good shift.
Christopher had been asking after Buck a lot more recently, wondering where his 'best friend' had gone. That morning it was so bad that he had a meltdown, refusing to leave the house without a promise that Eddie would ask Buck when he was next available to come for movie night.
The delay in their routine had meant that Eddie didn't have time for his morning run, and was ten minutes late for his shift.
The anger simmered under his skin as he dumped his bag in the locker room, unspent energy doing nothing to calm the fire.
The anger began to bubble when he saw Buck in the kitchen, hip cocked out to the side as he did the washing up, so unaware of the chaos he had caused for Eddie that morning.
The anger almost spilled out when Bobby let Buck come with them on a call - a five-alarm fire that demanded all hands on deck - and that anger was ready to blow when Buck had charged in to a room at the sound of a child's cry with no regard for his own safety.
The panic quickly soured into bitterness when he saw Buck alive with his own two eyes, not allowing himself to stew in the thought of a life without sandy blond hair and constant fact dumps.
Instead, Eddie ignored him on the ride back to the station, hands clenched by his side with the effort it took to not say anything. The sick satisfaction he had from watching Bobby lay into him would have concerned him if he was thinking rationally. But he was not. The emotional distance his anger brought was addicting, his other emotions overwhelmed and ignored. Eddie was angry, so he smiled a vicious smile as Buck's shoulders dropped.
--
Buck stared at himself as he slept - and wasn't that weird to say. Evan was curled up in his bed, yellow cast tucked to his chest, fully tuckered out from their game of pirates.
He had been so small, and so alone.
It wasn't that Buck had forgotten his childhood - that was a scar that he carried around with him daily, in every too-big smile, every over-compensating comment, his impossible and constant want to impress those around him.
His innate hatred of silence. Buck had always been able to keep up a steady stream of words, no matter who he was talking to. People had said he could talk to a brick wall and not struggle. What they didn't see was the panic just below the surface, the desperation to avoid letting silence settle.
It wasn't until joining the 118 that Buck had learned what comfortable silence is. It was being surrounded by those you love and feel safe with, without the need of words to know they weren't angry or disappointed. It was just... being.
Buck still struggled with it on shakier days, but it would only take a soft smile from Hen to settle, or a pat on the back from Chim. Cooking beside Bobby, with the white noise of cooking meat in the background. Eddie's presence in the room.
After the lawsuit the easy silence was gone. His family was broken - Buck had broken it. Every time he walked into view of his crew, the silence would fall, thick and heavy.
So no, he hadn't forgotten the Buckley house. In fact it followed him in every day of his life.
Seeing Evan though, so small and innocent, a small chip in his inner belief started to form.
The abyss twisted around him once more.
--
He was stood on a rooftop, eyes adjusting to the summer sun, settling on the teenager sitting on the roof's edge. With a sudden sickening clarity he knew exactly when and where he was.
Evan was thirteen.
"I know you're there. You - you don't have to be weird or anything. I-I'm not going to jump."
Buck huffed a laugh despite himself, "You sure about that?"
He was that boy once, sitting on that ledge and trying to think of any way that he could get Maddie to stay - that maybe if he was hurt bad enough he could delay her leaving.
Evan hunched slightly, not turning around. "I'd only end up breaking a leg or something stupid. I - I can't seem to -" He cut himself off, shrinking into himself even more. "Why are you even here?"
"Honestly?"
"Yes."
"I'm dying and am being forced to relive my childhood."
Evan snorted. "Bullshit. You coulda just said y-you didn't want to say."
Buck found himself walking over to join his younger self on the ledge, peering down at the street below.
Confetti covered the steps, a few people still milling around outside. He guessed the majority had gone back inside where the party was.
"It's Maddie's wedding isn't it?"
Evan looked up at him then, eyes narrowing in on his birthmark immediately. He nodded.
"She's gone - with Doug." The emotion was clear in the way Evan's words came out choked, having to literally spit out Doug's name.
Buck hummed, biting his lip nervously. He didn't know how all this worked - could he go and stop Maddie? Save her before the abuse could properly start? He wasn't big or strong enough to help her back then, but he could try now. He wouldn't let her down again.
Before he could move, Evan's face glazed over, the figure's voice coming out of his mouth, "They won't remember this happening Evan. You cannot change the past. You are here to learn from it."
"But -"
"No."
With a concrete finality, the life returned back to Evan's eyes. His voice was his own once more.
Buck frowned slightly, "You don't like Doug?"
Evan shook his head. "Dad said I was being selfish - that I only didn't like him because it meant Maddie loved someone more than me."
Buck took in a sharp breath. He remembered all too well the anger in his father's voice, the disappointed scowl on his mother's face.
He remembered the feeling of his worries being ignored, the way they brushed past the bruises on Maddie's wrist. How the harsh words had rendered him speechless.
He remembered the look in Maddie's eyes when she left that last time before the wedding. The way her voice wavered when she told him that she was okay - and that she loved him more than anything in the world.
He carries that guilt with him still.
"But that wasn't why, was it?"
Evan shook his head. "He - I think he hurts her." The young boy's gaze returned to the confetti on the floor. "And we just let her leave with him."
Buck placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, "That's not on you Evan."
"It is!" His voice was loud, stolen away by the wind before it could reach the party below, "We made a promise. T-That it was us, always. I should've done something - I should've... I don't know, made her run away with me."
"She wouldn't have come."
"You don't know that -"
Buck took hold of both of Evan's shoulders, making him face him fully. "Yes. I do know that."
The boy shook as he heaved in a breath, shaking his head as if to ward off the tears that were building up in his eyes. "I just - I don't know what to do now."
His voice cracked on the last word, Buck immediately bringing him in for a hug. A broken voice in the back of his head reminded him that this was the last hug the child would get for years.
As he did his best to soothe his past self, he let his mind wander.
He had been so skinny back then, with a chip on his shoulder and a voice that no one wanted to hear. There's no way he could have fought Doug and won - no way he could have convinced his parents that the man was a threat. He was powerless.
When Buck next spoke his voice was tight. "You continue on Evan. It's the only thing you can do... and one day it might get better."
"Does it?"
His mind flashes to Maddie smiling with Chim; to the 118 family BBQ at Bobby's; to Hen calling him her little brother; to Eddie and Chris on the sofa. The four firefighters glaring at him with disgust, kicking him out.
Buck's throat squeezed, not entirely convinced of the words he was about to speak. "Yeah. Yeah it does."
--
Eddie has no reason to worry when the alarm goes off.
The dispatcher speaks to them over the radio. It's a traffic incident, something between a car and a truck at an intersection.
Everything is normal until Bobby's phone goes off, Athena's name flashing across the screen.
Eddie forgets how to breathe as his captain's face falls, Buck's name on his lips. Hen asks Bobby to 'repeat that last', voice unsteady. Chim's face turns to stone.
Buck's Jeep is smashed in on the road, and all Eddie can think of is that he can't remember the last time that he saw his best friend smile.
--
Buck didn't see the abyss reshape this time, his eyes remaining closed as he tried to comfort Evan.
Instead, he fell firmly on his ass, arms suddenly empty.
"You good?"
Buck looked up, his twenty year old self offering a helping hand up.
"Thanks, yeah I'm ok."
As he brushed himself off, Evan pointed at his eyebrow with a grin. "Woah, we're matching! Are you my doppelgänger?"
"Uh sure, lets go with that."
"That's so sick! You know the likelihood we'd match in just eight parts of the face is one in a trillion? I don't even know the - the chances of having the same birthmark - that's got to make it even rarer! I wonder if-"
Buck laughed, tilting his head slightly to look around the room they were in as Evan continued to spout off information. He didn't recognise it exactly, but there was a sense of deja vu that he couldn't quite place.
Very helpfully, Evan was on a roll.
"- even crazier if you were up here for the ranch! A-Are you? I mean having the same face is insane enough, but if we were both going to be cowboys then we might as well just call each other long lost twins." His eyes lit up at this. "I'd have a brother, how cool would that be?!"
Recognition flooded through him then: they were in a hostel common room just outside of Montana, close to the ranch where he had celebrated his 21st birthday.
That means it had been almost 3 years since Maddie had given him his Jeep, allowing him to travel around America searching for 'himself'. Buck wasn't sure if he had ever really succeeded.
If they were near the ranch, then that meant that he had already done a stint in construction, tried his hand at bartending, and was a fresh dropout of the Navy SEALs. Sure, he had learned a lot. He could make a mean passionfruit martini, surf relatively well, hold his breath for up to five minutes, and build a kitchen with only a little bit of help.
What Evan had never learned though, in all of his travels, was how to belong.
He got close to it with the SEALs - basking in the attention from his trainers as he smashed through the physical training. The other recruits were friendly in their own way, using good-hearted competition to bond, but never going deeper than that. A good SEAL could turn all that off. Evan was not a good SEAL.
"Ah - no, sorry to disappoint. I'm just... passing through."
Evan's shoulders dropped slightly, light dimming in his eyes for a split second. "N-No worries!" He slapped a smile back on his face, so quickly that anyone else would have missed it's absence.
Not Buck though.
It was weird seeing his own emotions play out on his face - he had never known it was so expressive. Hen used to say that he looked like a kicked puppy whenever Bobby was disappointed in him, but never did he think that it would be this obvious.
Buck had often prided himself on being able to hide his darkest feelings - to pretend to be fine when his internal world was crumbling. It was painful to realise that it wasn't that he was good at hiding it - it was that those around him just hadn't cared to deal with it.
Maddie and the 118 had been the only people that had cared to check in on him, and he had lost them. Through his incessant need to belong, to be with people he loved. He pushed and pushed and -
God, you're exhausting.
Buck was never good at knowing when to stop. He could blame it on never having enough attention as a child, or even on the constant feeling that all good had an expiration date. Realistically though, Buck knew it was because of the endless well of need that swirled within him. The need to be known, to be seen, to be heard. The little child screaming 'look at me! look at me!'.
It was Buck asking for too much - being too much.
All at once, everything went black.
--
The figure reappeared, sighing, though without any real disappointment.
"Why do you insist on believing that you are unworthy of love that stays?"
The question is blunt, but not unkind. Buck blinks back dumbly.
"I've shown you multiple versions of yourself, lovable and redeemable, and yet you still do not feel a change."
Buck shrugs, weirdly defensive. "How I feel doesn't change anything."
"Wrong. It changes everything."
Buck tries again, "I - every version of myself... I was alone. I was too much - I - I still am too much. Sure, you've reminded me how unhappy it makes me, but I just... it seems like a constant theme that I ruin everything I touch."
The figure shifts, ever so slightly, glowing slightly brighter than before. "I see."
"Wh-"
Before Buck can say anything else, the abyss lurches.
--
He knows he is in the Diaz house before his eyes even adjust to the room, if only from the sense of comfort that lifts him up, tears rushing to his eyes.
God he's missed this place.
"- not sure yet Adri."
Buck moved towards the sound of Eddie's voice before he realised what his feet were doing.
Eddie was leaning against the kitchen counter, cardboard boxes covering the floor to the left of the fridge. As the man turned around, Buck was struck by just how young he looked. His eyes seemed more burdened, stressed, as they looked right through him.
"I've got Chris in the local school but - yes I know - don't tell ma, please I just need to -" he sighed, "It was my first day today... yes I'm fine. Pepa and Abuela are helping me out."
It was weird thinking of a time that Buck didn't know Eddie. Didn't know how he took his coffee, how he scrunched his nose when supressing a sneeze, how the weight of his hand on a shoulder could feel so grounding.
They had been strangers once, and Buck feared that they were approaching that level once more.
The sound of crutches approaching made Bucks' heart swell, little Christopher coming into view.
"Dad! Dad!"
Eddie's face instantly lit up, the stressed expression hidden. "Mijo, what's up?"
"I can't find my Legos!"
"Ay, they have to be in one of these boxes - Adri I'm going to have to call you back - yes I promise to text you soon. Claro, te amo." Eddie hung up, shoving his phone in his pocket and diverting all attention to his son, "Let's go find the Legos."
"Yay!"
The two Diaz's had crept in to every facet of his life. Not a day went by without at least one reminder of his favourite people. His fridge had Chris' favourite yoghurt, his kitchen cupboards held a selection of Eddie's protein powders, the pictures on the fridge were a monument to their presence in Bucks' life.
What was his life if Eddie and Chris weren't in it?
Buck watched distantly as Eddie set Chris up with the box of Legos in front of the sofa, retreating back to the kitchen when he was sure the boy was settled.
The frown returned to Eddie's face, hands rubbing his eyes as he tried to focus on the mass of paperwork that was spread across the counter. Taking a closer look, Buck recognised the special education paperwork.
"¡qué diablos!"
The frustration was let out in a quiet hiss, Eddie's left hand gripping the St Christopher medal subconsciously - an anxious tell of his that Buck had learned very early into their friendship.
The figure returned again then, materialising beside Buck. "Without you introducing Carla, things would have ended very differently."
"You can't say that - they would have found that support from somewhere -"
In a blink of an eye, the sun was down, Eddie now sat hunched over at the kitchen table. He had been crying, fist clenched as his phone sat beside him.
"Eddie it is time you come back to El Paso. It's been three months - enough of this now." It was his mother's voice, cold as ever. "Abuela is getting too old for this, her hip is just proof that you are asking too much of her. Christopher needs to be with us - home and safe."
Eddie's father cut in, false sympathy in his tone, "You tried, mijo. But enough is enough. Either you bring him back with you, or we will come and get him ourselves. ¿Entiendes?"
Buck stood watching with barely restrained horror as Eddie's shoulders shook silently. He was always very resolute with not wanting his parents to raise Chris, assured that LA was the right place for his son to grow up. He had fought for less than this before, but now he was silent.
"Eddie say no!"
The words escaped him, desperate.
"I - I'll put my notice in."
Eddie's voice was broken, and as he moved to hold his head in his hands, his eyes were crimson.
"Good. Tell us when you will be bringing him home." With that, they hung up, Eddie finally letting his sobs out.
Buck turned to the entity beside him, eyes wild, "This never happened!"
"But it would have."
"I thought you were supposed to show me truth, not - not whatever this is!"
The figure tilted it's head slightly. "Okay."
--
The abyss pulsed once, spitting him out in the middle of downtown Los Angeles.
Christopher stumbled along, drenched in water and missing a shoe. "Buck! Buck where are you?"
He wanted to be sick, tears immediately spilling from his eyes as he watched Christopher struggle.
In the dark of night, in the depths of his nightmares, his brain would concoct different scenarios that Chris had to live through during the tsunami when he lost him to the waves.
The guilt he had never left, and even now Buck still woke up breathless some nights, a scream on his lips as he reached out for a child that wasn't there.
Somehow, seeing it play out in front of him was so much worse than anything he could have thought up himself, because this time it was real.
Chris wobbled as he hit uneven ground, squinting as he tried to make sense of his surroundings without his glasses. He seemed relatively unharmed, the one blessing Buck would allow himself to acknowledge.
"Buck!" The boy's voice cracked, "I-I'm okay but I need you to come back now! Bucky!"
Movement to the left of them caught Buck's attention, a woman he distantly recognised from on top of the firetruck rushing to Christopher's side.
"Are you ok?" She asked, gripping his arms as Chris tried to see her face.
"Y-Yeah but I need my Buck!"
Buck tuned the rest of the conversation out, eyes tracking Chris as he was taken to the aid van. He was such a brave kid, worrying about Buck - the one who had lost him - more than himself.
As the van drove off, Buck's attention was grabbed by a desperate scream.
"Christopher! Speak if you can hear me buddy!"
He whipped around, seeing his younger self limping down the street, covered in cuts and scratches.
They had been so close, and he had never known it.
As past-Buck approached, he took a moment to take in just how bad he looked. He was exhausted, pushing through blood loss and crippling pain to try and find his kid - clutching red glasses like a lifeline.
Something settled within him then, feeling overwhelmingly like acceptance. He had done everything he physically could to get back to Christopher, because no matter what he had made a promise to keep him safe, to be there for him even if it was hard.
Even if Eddie hated him - even if the whole support system he had came crashing down - he had made a promise to Christopher the day they had been reunited. He couldn't break that. Ever.
He was brought out of his revelation by a tug to his middle finger.
"That wasn't exactly the lesson it wanted you to learn... but you did good, kid."
He was staring into the eyes of his five-year old self once more, tiny fingers gripping tightly on to his own.
"I - I need to get to Christopher."
"Yes. Now all you have to do..." Little Evan took Buck's whole hand in his, tugging him forwards with immense strength, their foreheads clashing together, "is wake up."
Buck inhaled.
--
Buck's eyes open in a panic, his hands immediately began to unbuckle his belt, clumsy fingers wrenching the leather from his belt loops.
He bit back a hiss of pain as his body contorted in a way that his current injuries didn't like, desperate to stem the bleeding before he lost control of his limbs.
Buck had been injured enough to recognise when he was bleeding out - the blood thinners were making short work of cleaning him out this time, and he wasn't sure how long he had been... in-between.
As he tightened the belt, his eyes fluttered to his windscreen. It was smashed to bits - Buck was sure there were at least a few superficial cuts on his face as a result. He could see the traffic around them had come to a standstill, a few onlookers filming on their phones from the side of the road.
As much as he hated the trauma-chasers, phones did mean one thing: someone had called 911.
He let out a stuttered breath, body feeling increasingly heavy as he tried to stay awake. He could try and call for help too, if only he could remember where his phone was. He should probably call his sister and apologise for wrecking his car - hell, he was going to be in so much trouble.
As if in response, police sirens approached, a stern looking woman climbing out of her cruiser and heading straight towards him.
If Buck squinted - his vision had gone quite blurry in the past two minutes, a disturbing thought he pushed aside for now - he could almost imagine it was Athena, running towards him and shouting his name.
"Buck!"
It even sounded like her too.
His vision continued to darken as the officer approached his car, manically pulling at his car door handle.
"'S locked." He murmured, very helpfully indeed.
"Buck, open the door."
His head fell to one side, too heavy to hold up anymore, sending a painful twinge down his spine.
"Buckaroo you cannot go to sleep do you hear me? I need you to open the door, baby."
Buck hummed happily at his nickname, not fully registering her words after that, "'Thena!"
"Yes, I'm right here Buck. You need to unlock the door for me ok?"
From his position, Buck could see the unlock button on what remained of the centre console, shining brightly. It reminded him of the figure, glowing. Guiding.
He frowned with the effort of focusing, trying to get his arm to lift upwards. "Got - m'back fo' Chris'fer"
"That's right baby!" Athena's voice had a tone of madness to it, and Buck distantly found it was hilarious that she was encouraging a grown man to press a button, "Just lift up your arm, you've got this."
His frown deepened as his arm flopped towards the console, his muscles not listening to his brain properly. His finger landed on the AC, the radio, and then finally - with his tongue stuck out in concentration - he was able to hit the correct button.
He let his arm drop.
Everything else happened in very quick succession: Athena ripped the door open, Buck turned to her with a triumphant grin, shouted a very slurred "Did it!", and unceremoniously passed out.
--
Athena had called her husband the second she had arrived on scene, recognising Buck's Jeep instantly.
"Bobby, the kid is the car crash victim" she had shouted, running towards the car as quick as she could, "However fast you're going, go faster."
"It's Buck?"
"Bobby - get here now!"
She hung up, shoving her phone in her pocket and eyes locked on Buck.
He looked in bad shape, with a concussion at best, and her whole body screamed at her to get him out of there. Talking Buck through opening the door was a painful process, Athena aware of how much every second delay was going to impact his chances, especially as he was on blood thinners.
As soon as the door was open, Buck had fainted practically into her arms, and she placed a rushed kiss on his forehead.
"I've got you, I've got you Buck."
Allowing herself a second to hold him, she took stock of the injuries she could see.
Buck had always been a smart boy, and she was proud to see that he had been able to torniquet his leg, the large wound now only slowly oozing blood. She turned her attention instead to his stomach, his t-shirt wet with blood that seemed to be coming from a laceration across his chest. Leaning to grab the gym bag on the back seat, she pulled out the first item of clothing she could and pressed it on to the area, maintaining pressure.
It was only then that she allowed herself to breathe, muttering under her breath. "God, you will not let this boy die today. Bobby you better hurry the hell up."
--
It took the 118 two more minutes to drive what should have been a seven minute trip.
The moment Eddie saw the Jeep the dread he had been pushing away smacked into him like a tidal wave. It was definitely Buck - Athena was holding something to him, looking over at them with something akin to desperation in her eyes.
"Chim and Hen I need you with Buck. Eddie you go with Ravi and the others to check the man in the truck."
The orders were barked as they spilled from the engine, Eddie staring at Bobby in shock.
"Cap - I gotta -"
"No, Diaz. Truck, with Ravi. Now."
Eddie seethed, fist clenching and unclenching as he used all the effort in his body to follow orders, running with the crew from the other engine towards the truck.
Bobby felt like he couldn't breathe.
He had been so angry over the lawsuit, and admittedly childish with his treatment of Buck since his arrival back to the 118. It all seemed so trivial, so unimportant, as he stared at the unconscious man he thought of as a son.
He couldn't lose another -
As if sensing his thought spiral, Athena's hand found Bobby's cheek. "Save our boy."
--
The rescue was a blur, both Buck and the other driver being transferred into ambulances in good time.
At one point, not that Eddie could remember it, he had abandoned his assigned post to jump in the ambulance with Buck, grabbing his limp hand and refusing to let go.
No one had fought him.
It was the same hand that he stared at now, resting on his thigh, as the waiting room clock obnoxiously ticked.
"Maddie."
Chim's voice broke as he caught the sobbing woman.
"I don't understand how this happened," she wept, "He was on shift - why wasn't he with you?"
Bobby cleared his throat, eyes hollow. "He - he made a bad move on a call - I sent him home early." The guilt was palpable, rolling off of him in waves.
"Wh- what did he do?"
"He saved a kid."
It sounded ridiculous when spoken aloud like that - a sentiment clearly shared by Maddie as she scoffed.
"What?"
"He ran in without backup -"
Hen spoke up. "It was a fair consequence -"
"Bullshit. I know he has done that before, but at most that's ended with him being man-behind. Not -" she broke off, hands shaking, "You just didn't want him there. God, I knew he was hiding something from me."
"It was the right call." Hen repeated, though her words sounded fake even to her.
"Eddie?"
The man didn't respond, too focused on the speck of blood between his thumb and forefinger. Buck's blood.
"Fine." Maddie turned to Chim expectantly. "Tell me the truth."
"He -" Chim looked extremely uncomfortable, eyes darting between Bobby and Maddie, "He put himself in danger. We couldn't have known that he would end up in an accident Mads."
Her next words were harsh bitingly sarcastic. "No, you couldn't have guessed that a man who had just run into a burning building with no back-up would have trouble focusing as he drove home - did any of you - did anyone even check that he was okay before you kicked him out of the station?" Their silence spoke volumes, everyone avoiding Maddie's eyes as she looked around at them. "Great."
"Ma-"
She slapped Chim's hand away from where it tried to land on her shoulder, storming over to the corner of the waiting room and sitting down by herself, leg bouncing madly.
An uneasy silence hung over the group, broken once by Athena's arrival, settling next to her husband.
The next time anyone spoke was three hours later, a doctor walking through the double doors. "Family of Evan Buckley?"
They all, bar Eddie, rose, Maddie rushing towards the doctor. "Yes, is he ok?"
"He - is there a Robert Nash I can speak to?"
Bobby paled, wincing slightly at the murderous look aimed at him by Maddie. "You can speak freely, we're all here for Buck."
"Ok. He is stable for now. He had lost a lot of blood due to the thinners. The wound on his leg was quite severe, but the torniquet definitely saved his life. We're currently unsure of the functionality it will have, but while they were in there they removed the screws that were causing the blood clots."
"And his other injuries?"
"Whiplash, concussion, and multiple lacerations. We can't tell much more until he wakes up and we can test functionality."
Maddie nodded, brain racing mile-a-minute. "Can I see him?"
"When he's out of recovery - we are just waiting for him to wake up. A nurse will come and get you when he does - no more than two visitors at once."
"Thank you."
As the doctor retreated, Maddie began to pace.
"Maddie -"
"I don't think you should be here. No - you should - you should all go."
That got a reaction out of Eddie, his head snapping upwards. "No."
She tensed, stepping towards him. "Oh, now you want to speak to him? You haven't talked to him outside of work in weeks - you kept Chris away - he wouldn't tell me what was happening but even from your face I can tell you treated him like utter shit, Diaz."
Bobby frowned, stepping in front of Eddie as he dipped his head once more, the younger man submitting once again to his guilt spiral. "If you want to blame anyone Maddie -"
"Don't even get me started on you, Captain. " Maddie was on a roll, vitriol spewing forth. "He looked up to you, trusted you - you're his goddamn emergency contact - and you have done nothing but push him around."
Athena stepped forwards, halting at Bobby's slight shake of the head. Maddie continued on, voice getting progressively louder.
"You can't promise Buck a family and just rip it away from him like that - do you know how hard he fought to get back to you? Yes the lawsuit was stupid - even I called him an idiot for that - but how can you not see that was the only way he could think to get back to you? He's not malicious. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body!"
"Maddie I understand you're upset. I get it." Athena's voice was calm, face was carefully expressionless. "I need you to quieten down or you are going to be removed from the premises, and Buck needs you here."
The Buckley sibling heaved a breath, nodding in acknowledgement.
"As for us leaving, I think I speak for us all here when I say that's not happening. Some of us -" she gave a quick glare to the 118, "may not have shown it very much recently, but we love Buck. We need to know that he is okay."
Bobby shrunk in on himself, only sitting back down when Maddie murmured a blunt 'fine'.
--
Buck was pretty sure he was floating.
"There he is. Open your eyes for me Buck, come on."
"Mad?" The voice that came out of his mouth was almost unrecognisable, cracked and pained. A cup was pressed against his lips within seconds, cool water soothing his throat.
"Yes, I'm here Evan. I need you to open your eyes for me."
He fought against the heaviness of his eyelids, wincing at the harsh hospital lights. Maddie moved over him, head blocking the worst of the fluorescents.
He felt a wonky smile pull at his lips. "Hi"
She carded a hand through his curls, tears shining in her eyes, "You really had me worried there."
"Didn't give up - pr'mise."
"I know, you did so well, Evs. That torniquet saved your life."
"Had to - Chris -" His smile dropped, "S'ry Mads. I -" he gasped, pure devastation prompting tears to fall down his cheeks, "The Jeep Mads! S-so s'ry."
"Hey, hey, hey - I don't care about the Jeep."
"Y'sure?"
Maddie laughed, impossibly fond, "Yes I'm sure. All that matters is you're safe."
Buck nodded then, tears still streaming but the pout that had marred his lips subsiding. His eyes strayed from Maddie's face just quick enough to do a cursory look around the room, jaw dropping slightly at Athena sat in the corner, arms crossed.
"'Thena?"
The cop rose to her feet, taking his hand in hers. "Hi Buckaroo."
Maddie shifted to the side slightly, watching the exchange with slight wariness - she hadn't wanted anyone else to come in with her, but after being given a ultimatum of Bobby or Eddie or Athena her choice was obvious.
"T-thought I dreamed you."
Athena smiled, shaking her head slightly. "You had us all worried, boy."
A frown appeared on Buck's face then. "All?"
"Your team - the 118."
Buck went to shake his head, wincing as pain ricocheted through him, carefully lying back. Panic seeped in to his voice, "I fo-forgot to change Cap - gon' be so mad at me-"
"What? Buck?"
"'Mergency contact. Is he here?"
Athena nodded, but before she could speak Buck let out a whine.
"Need to say s'ry. I meant to ch-change it I promise." He turned to Maddie, starting to get breathless, "C'n you tell him? I didn't mean to trick him into being h-here -"
Maddie pulled him into a hug, urging him to calm down. As he muttered nonsense into her chest, she locked eyes with Athena over his head, face like thunder.
'This is why I didn't want them here' she mouthed, shoulders shaking with anger.
Athena was a loyal woman - she would never outwardly bash her husband, but as she left the hospital room with a clenched jaw, she knew she had to have an unpleasant conversation with the team.
--
As Athena re-entered the waiting room, the team jumped to their feet, already discussing who would be next to enter the hospital room. She silenced them with a raised hand.
"Would anyone like to explain to me why Buck just had a panic attack at the thought of you all waiting out here?"
Her tone was icy, eyes raking across each member. Guilt spilled from them, everyone talking at once.
"He was acting like he had done nothing wrong -"
"We haven't exactly spoken to him since he came back -"
"He just waltzed back in like -"
Bobby's voice cut through them, head hung low. "It's my fault. I set the tone and I... I let it go on too long."
"Let what go on too long?"
"He - he's been man behind for every call apart from two. He's doing 90% of house chores, and -" he couldn't look his wife in the eyes, electing instead to focus on his shoes, "he's not been welcome in the kitchen since he came back."
If looks could kill, the 118 would be long gone.
"So you're telling me that you isolated that boy for almost a month?"
Hen was the next to speak, the only one brave enough. "It wasn't just Bobby's fault -"
"Yes I know that. You are all functioning adults with their own minds, are you not?"
"Athen-"
"Enough. Maybe it's best that you do go home."
Eddie stepped forwards, "No."
"You've been a man of so few words, Diaz. I will not let you use this as an excuse to brush aside everything you have done to that boy -"
"He took out a lawsuit on us! Were we supposed to just act like nothing was wrong?!" Chimney's voice was angry and exasperated, but Bobby could recognise the panic behind it. The man had never been good at dealing with big emotions - or with knowing when to let them go. "He can't get away with being a dick just because he's naïve and accident-prone."
"Wow."
Chimney choked at Maddie's quiet word, the woman having come out to grab a nurse. "Maddie I didn't -"
"Go home, Chimney. I - I don't want to see you right now." She walked back into Buck's room, faltering just before the door. "He wanted me to apologise for inconveniencing you with the hospital call - Bobby, he says that he didn't want to trap you into talking to him and that you can leave."
Ignoring Chim's call of her name, she went back inside the room, closing the door with slightly more force than necessary.
Athena's glare intensified, "You know I would never say that consequences aren't deserved, but you will never fix an issue if you don't talk about it. By isolating him all you were doing was making yourself feel better by attacking what you knew was his weak spot. It's sadistic. I'm disappointed in you all."
Eddie sat down once more, arms folded protectively across his chest. "Be mad at me all you want. I am not going anywhere."
Hen glanced at the clock, "Visiting hours end in 2 -"
"I'm. Not. Leaving."
"Eds, I'm not going to -" Hen sighed, placing her hand on his shoulder, "Have you sorted out what's happening with Chris?"
He shook his head minutely, pulling out his phone with shaky hands and sending off a text to Carla. "I -"
"I know. Buck just needs some time, that's all. Maybe you can use it to think of what you want to say."
Eddie's voice cracked as he looked up at her, "How do I fix this?"
"You try. I -"
Alarms interrupted her, nurses rushing into Buck's room.
--
The figure was in front of him again, the aura of a disappointed school teacher surrounding it.
"I wasn't entirely satisfied with how this ended, Evan Buckley."
"Wh -"
"I let it go then, because I was very aware that you were running out of time to act, but this has given us another chance."
"How am I here? Am I dying? Again?"
The figure waved him off dismissively. "It's just a minor case of respiratory arrest."
"I'm - what?"
"It's unimportant for now. We don't have long and I will not let you waste this opportunity."
Buck was at a loss for words, something the figure took as a go-ahead to continue. With a snap, five year-old Evan appeared in the void.
"I want you to look into his eyes and tell him that he is exhausting."
"I - what - you cant -" Buck spluttered, hands flailing, "That- that's mean!"
"But you believe it, no? So say it."
Little Evan tilted his head to the side, face innocent and trusting as he stared up at Buck.
"I - I... can't. I won't."
It hummed, thoughtful. "Okay. Say it to him."
Evan shifted, and was all at once thirteen.
"Wh - no!"
He changed again, twenty.
"I -"
"These beliefs you hold about yourself are false, Evan. The fact that you can't speak them aloud shows that you know this."
"But - how can th-they be false, if I keep being told it? I'm obviously doing something wrong!"
Evan disappeared, replaced by Eddie, the man a blank slate.
"You think that he only speaks the truth?" The figure asked, "That he speaks for all of those around you?"
"No, of course he can't speak for - for everyone, but it's not a lie that everyone in my life leaves me!" Buck was shouting now, breaths ragged, "That's a pattern, okay? And the only common denominator is me!"
"You have lived a harsh life, this is true. You did not receive the love that you should have from your parents, and that has left you with a warped perception of your belonging -"
"I didn't know you were supposed to be a therapist as well as Death -"
"But you need to realise that you are not alone."
The abyss flutters. they are stood in a hospital waiting room, members of the 118 spread across the chairs in varying states of panic.
"They may not have dealt with this well, but they are here when it matters. I do not have to tell you how Howard reacts to big emotions -"
"Badly." Buck offers.
"- or how Hen can get caught up in her own life -"
"She has a lot going on at the moment, I -"
"Or how Eddie deals with stress -"
"He shuts down. Gets angry."
"Sometimes ways of coping clash with each other, and that's not to say that they have treated you correctly as of late, but it does mean that they do not hate you."
Buck ducks his head, "What about Bobby?"
The figure simply turns, unfreezing time and letting him hear the conversation between a crying Bobby and solemn Athena.
"I let it get too far" Bobby whispered, voice tight, "I couldn't let another kid get hurt and I - I hurt him."
Athena said nothing, though rubbed small circles on his shoulder in comfort, letting the man speak.
"I over-extended. I didn't treat him like a firefighter - god, I wasn't even thinking like a captain. All I could see was him coughing up blood and I... I don't know how to fix it, Athena. If he -"
"He won't. Buck is going to wake up and he is going to be fine."
She spoke it with so much strength that even Buck, who was literally stood next to Death, believed her.
Bobby nodded, rising unsteadily to his feet. "I need to go to the chapel."
The figure moved once more, the blackness of the abyss returning to it's original state once more. "You are not alone anymore, Evan Buckley. You have people that care for you, as much as you care for them. But most importantly, I need you to understand that you are never too much."
Buck nodded slowly, but the figure knew that it would still take him some time to believe it. Life was pulling him back though, and so it sent him back to his body.
The figure walked through the veil at the edge of the abyss, to the path that joined the 'in-between' to the 'after' and nodded once. "It is done."
Daniel Buckley stood tall, a sad smile on his face. "Thank you."
--
Buck woke up with a tube up his nose, cringing at the discomfort.
"Evan!"
Maddie was by his side again, grabbing the hand that had flown up to his face in order to stop him dislodging something important.
"You're ok, but that needs to stay there until a nurse can come and take it out, okay?"
"Y'r nurse"
He was pouting again.
Athena's laugh emanated from his other side, "Yeah, he's going to be okay. Sassing before he's even opened his damn eyes."
Buck stuck his tongue out, just to prove a point.
He could feel Maddie relaxing beside him, smiling down at him as he managed to open his eyes once more.
"Don't do that again, you hear me?"
"Not my fault Death still wanted to give me therapy." Buck frowned, murmuring under his voice like a petulant child.
Maddie looked at him weirdly, deciding she had obviously heard him wrong, and turned to Athena. Buck was aware enough to pick up on a weird vibe in the air, but thought better of questioning it.
"Would it be ok if you could let the nurses know he's awake?"
Athena paused, as if she was going to say something but decided against it, and nodded.
"I - can you get the team?"
Maddie shifted beside him, "Buck you don't have to -"
"I need to talk to them. Please."
"There's only two allowed in the room at once -"
"I'm sure the nurses will allow it for a few minutes." Athena gave another meaningful look to Maddie. "You've got it Buckaroo."
Athena left, Maddie's frown clear on her face. He reached for his sister's hand, not letting go as the nurse checked him over and removed the tube. At the knock on the door, she gave it a squeeze.
"I can stay..."
"I think..." Buck flashed her a small smile, "I think I should probably do this by myself."
She attempted a smile, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I'll be right outside."
She ignored the team as she walked past, true to her word as she settled into the nearest chair available.
"Are we okay to come in?"
Buck fidgeted with the hospital sheets as he nodded, almost choking on the awkwardness. Focusing solely on his hands, the younger man began to speak. "Bobby, I would just like to apologise for having you down as my emergency contact still. I should have changed it - I swear it was on my list of things to do - and in no way should you feel like you have to stay here -"
"Buck."
"- because honestly there is so much that I need to apologise for - to all of you for, and I have tried again and again but you guys haven't heard me out, which is fine. I get why, but I just need you to know that I would never in a million years want to hurt any of you. You ar- were my family and I can't -"
"Buck."
"I can't live with myself knowing that I have broken the trust that we had. I - I understand that everyone deals with things in their own way, and I know deep down that none of you fully hate me - or at least I hope that you don't -"
"Buckley."
"But I know that you all dislike me at the moment and I know I deserve that. I just hope that I can work on earning your trust back, if - if you're ready to let me try now. Please."
He took a deep breath as he finally finished talking, chancing a glance upwards at the group.
Bobby, Hen and Chim were all looking at him with varying levels of fond exasperation. Eddie was stood slightly to the side, teary eyes locked on Buck, face unreadable.
Bobby spoke first.
"That was a lot, kid." He stepped forwards, hesitantly placing his hand on the sheet above Buck's good foot. "But first I think I need to apologise to you. I have not been fair to you. I recognise that now - I have for a while, but I was too stubborn to stop it."
Tears leapt to Buck's eyes, "Cap."
"I was treating you like my kid, not my firefighter. In a twisted way I thought if I kept you away I could keep you safe... but you were just driving home and -" He broke off, shaking his head. "I - it's an honour to be your emergency contact, and I would never be mad at you for keeping it that way, but I understand fully if you'd like to change it."
Buck shook his head wordlessly, not sure he could speak if he tried. Chimney took the silence as his turn to speak.
"I've been a dick, Buck. I'm sorry."
That snuck a laugh out of him, "Me too. We good?" He raised a hand for a high five. Chimney accepted it, smiling as the crisp slap noise cut through the air. There was more for them to say, but Buck knew they would talk it out later.
Hen was next, gently pulling Buck into a hug. "I'm sorry, Buckaroo. I should've checked in more. Should've tried harder. Almost losing you today... you'll always be my little brother. Got it?"
Buck blinked wetly onto her shoulder, words slightly muffled. "Missed you Hen."
"Missed you too. Dinner at mine next week? Denny has been wanting to show you a project he's doing for science - it's space themed."
"Really?"
"Really."
"I-I'd love that."
Hen pulled back, wiping under his eyes with a smile.
Eddie still hadn't moved from his place in the corner of the room. Bobby caught Buck's gaze, nodding towards the door, the rest of the team filtering out.
The door closed with an odd finality, the room quiet aside from the steady beeping of the heart monitor. After a moment, Buck broke it.
"Are you ok?"
Eddie huffed a laugh. A humourless, dry laugh. When he spoke, his voice sounded wrecked.
"Am I ok?"
"Eddie..."
"You're sat in a hospital bed, again, and you are the one asking me if I'm okay? Estúpido." He dragged his hands across his face, striding up to Buck. "You almost died."
"Well - you look pretty rough yourself."
Eddie's face shutters, and Buck has a nauseous feeling that he's said exactly the wrong thing, but then Eddie is crowding into his space. Hands cup Buck's face like it's the most precious thing in the world, and the next thing he knows he is being kissed.
At first it is a light brush of lips, tentative and sweet, but it soon intensifies. Eddie kisses like a man starved, and Buck thinks that if they weren't in a hospital there was a very high chance that Eddie would have climbed on to his lap there and then.
Buck's hands fly up, one landing on the juncture where Eddie's shoulder meets his neck, the other on his hip, thumb dipping under the waist of his jeans to rest on his hipbone.
The contact makes Eddie's breath stutter, and Buck is drunk on it.
Later, Buck would strongly deny the whimper that escaped him as Eddie pulled away, the only thing stopping him from chasing after his lips being the pain in his neck.
"I'm sorry" Eddie whispered, breathing heavily as he brought their foreheads together. Buck could feel his breath across his swollen lips, the sensation maddening. "I just couldn't stand here any longer thinking about how I almost never got to do that."
The blond blinked heavily, trying to get his brain back online. "You - huh?"
"I was so angry, Buck. I - I took it all out on you. All the shit I hadn't processed, all the fear - I just took it out on you and I'm so fucking sorry. Since the second I saw your Jeep on that road I've been running through everything in my head and I-"
Buck felt like he might cry. "I should've been there for you - for Chris - Eds, I'm sorry."
"I missed you. So much."
"Me too. Me too Eddie you have no idea -"
Eddie connected their lips once more, hands moving from Buck's cheeks and working up to his hair, carefully carding through the curls.
Buck held on to Eddie's arms, desperate for anything and everything the man would give him. He wasn't entirely sure what had brought the kissing on, but he wasn't going to complain.
As they broke apart again, Eddie's mouth moved before he registered he was even speaking, "I love you."
"What?"
Eddie's fingers curled into the collar of the hospital gown, willing Buck to believe him.
"I - I'm in love with you."
A distant beeping cut through their moment, Eddie's head whipping towards the monitors as a nurse came barrelling in the room. At their position the woman paused, raising an eyebrow disapprovingly.
"May I suggest that you gentlemen not make the monitor go crazy when we are still monitoring Mr Buckley."
Buck could only laugh as Eddie turned scarlet, stammering his apologies as the woman left the room. This laughter only increased as Maddie poked her head in the room, concern melting from her face immediately as she took in the situation in front of her.
"I - you know what, I don't want to know." She waved her hands in front of her face, a disgusted look on her face that was ruined by the smile on her lips. "Carla texted, said Chris was demanding to see you. They'll be here in a few."
Buck's face dropped, "Am I - is that ok?"
It took Eddie a moment to register the question was directed at him, blanching slightly at the uncertainty in his voice. "Yes, yes Buck of course that's okay. He's been asking for you... I was going to ask you today if you wanted to see him but I..." He trailed off, looking ashamed.
Buck, however, glowed. "Really?"
"Yeah. He had been -" he was cut off as they both registered the sound of crutches approaching.
"Help me sit up?"
Maddie made an aborted movement at the door, watching as Eddie helped her brother, the two of them fitting back together like they'd never been apart.
"Buck!"
"Superman!"
Christopher launched himself towards Buck, Eddie catching him before they made impact. "Mijo, Buck is a little sore at the moment so we need to be careful, ok?"
Chris nodded wildly, allowing his dad to place him next to Buck on the bed, collapsing into his open arms. He lay there for a few seconds in silence, before beginning a steady stream of conversation, updating him on everything that had been happening in his life for the past few months.
Maddie watched from the doorway still, smiling as Carla jogged up to her side, "Jeez that kid can move - put a Buck in front of him and there's no way you're catching up."
"Thank you, for bringing him here."
"Of course! I'm not going to lie and say it was completely unselfish - I wanted to see our Buck with my own two eyes."
As Buck spoke with Chris, Eddie wound his arm around his shoulders, leaning so his cheek rested on the top of golden curls. Buck relaxed into his hold, and just for a moment everything felt perfect.
--
The thing is, Eddie knew there was still a lot to work through. As much as he wanted it all to just fit together, he knew that his bravery would probably waver once the life-or-death rush had left his system.
He had kissed Buck.
Buck had kissed back.
It had felt right - Eddie knew that he loved him, had known that for some time now, but for some reason that love had always felt too precarious to tip over into something more.
He could blame the months of the Buck-shaped hole in his life for forcing him to see through clearer eyes - Bosko's constant teasing about him acting like a scorned lover making their mark.
He didn't know if he was... gay. Even thinking the word made a deep repressed part of himself scream out in denial - hot shame that was almost immediately drowned out every time he so much as looked at Buck. The man was his salvation, his guiding light.
The deep longing settled in his gut. If this is what bought Eddie his one way ticket to hell, he was sure it was worth it, for how could loving Buck be wrong?
He could feel the tendrils of panic begin to creep up his spine, but as he wrapped his arm around Buck he knew he could survive it.
Buck and Eddie and Christopher. His family. His home.
As if sensing his internal monologue, Buck leaned up to catch his eye, Christopher currently distracted by talking to Maddie. "I love you too, j-just so you know."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Eddie hummed, smiling widely, and placed a kiss to Buck's hairline. Maddie caught his eye from the doorway, an unspoken warning to not hurt her brother emanating off her in waves.
Over her shoulder he could see the team, more settled than before, but still anxious. There would still be healing that needed to be done, that he knew for sure, but there was also a hope that he hadn't felt in a while.
Time would work wonders, and when Buck was discharged from the hospital, Eddie was going to make sure he knew exactly how much he was loved.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Pairings: remus lupin/sirius black
Summary: remus centric fic on his history, reunification and future with sirius.
Whumptober prompt #27 : scars / 'let me see'
Whumptober prompt #30 : borrowed clothing
Notes: descriptions of malnutrition and body mutilation (hello lycanthropy!), post-POA
masterlist || whumptober2023 || part two (coming soon)
Remus' heart clenched as he traced the ink lines of the marauder's map. If he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of the parchment in his hands, he could almost hear James' laugh, Peter asking what was so funny as Sirius whispered sweet nothings in his ear -
He broke that line of thought with a scoff, rubbing his hands over his face. He had run out of tears long ago, instead left with a deep well of bitterness. The best part of his life had been shattered in one night. His best friends murdered, childhood stolen and love of his life arrested as their killer.
Remus had never believed he deserved good things. The marauders had taught him otherwise, surrounding him with blind acceptance and joy. Just as he finally started to believe in his worth, it had all come crumbling down. He was left alone, the way he always knew he was going to be.
Nothing lasts forever.
Movement in the grounds caught his eye. That was unusual, especially considering the late hour and school-wide curfew. Frowning, he took a closer look, blood running cold.
Without a second thought, he tugged on his coat and began running.
The whomping willow whipped around in a frenzy, freezing as Remus hit the notch with an immobulus charm. His feet followed the path that he had walked for years, remembering every dip and turn.
His legs weakened as he raced up the steps in the shack, heart threatening to beat out of his chest. He could hear voices faintly through the door, paying them no mind as he crashed into the room.
"Professor Lupin!"
The exclamations from the children flew over his head, eyes set on the crumpled man on the floor.
He was practically wasted away, swamped by black rags that made his pale skin look practically translucent. Even from his place in the doorway Remus could see his veins, entwining with each other like vines under his skin.
Sirius finally turned to him, connecting their eyes. Years of hate, regret, love and pain rushed back through him, overwhelming in their intensity. In that moment, staring into his storm-grey eyes, he knew: Sirius was innocent.
The urge to kiss him was overwhelming, but it was neither the time nor the place. Instead, he spoke.
"Looking a bit ragged, aren't we, Sirius? Finally the skin reflects the madness within."
Sirius' face, which had before looked frightened, lit up with a toothy grin. "You'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you, Remus?"
Relief spread through him, stepping forwards and helping Sirius to his feet. He hesitated once more, before pulling him into an embrace.
The smaller man melted in to him, body sharp and frail. Remus' heart swelled, cheek against Sirius' temple as breathed words escaped him, "You're as beautiful as the day I lost you."
If only for a moment, everything was okay.
Of course, nothing in Remus' life could stay normal for long. Snape came storming in, Pettigrew escaped, his secret was revealed and Sirius was sentenced to death. He was left to once again pick up the pieces, hiding his grief from those around him.
------
He retreated; resigning from his position at Hogwarts and running away from society once more.
His cottage was his solace, surrounded by thick woods with a boundary enchanted to contain his movements during the full moon. The building was small but cosy, books lining practically every wall.
He had inherited it from his grandfather on his mother's side, located just outside of Powys in Wales. It was the perfect escape, granted to him at the height of the war.
He sighed, tugging on his jumper as he limped towards the kitchenette, fresh scars throbbing with a vengeance. Some sick part of him was glad for the pain, deigning it a punishment for letting the kids down, for letting Sirius down.
A knock on the door resounded through the cottage, Remus flinching at the sudden noise. His fist clenched around the wand in his pocket, instantly on guard.
The knock sounded again, this time followed by a voice.
"Moony, open the door I'm freezing my balls off out here."
His breath caught in his chest, rushing across the room and swinging the door wide open.
Sirius offered a sheepish smile, eyes tired. "Surprise?"
Remus' blinked. "You're here - how... how are you here?"
"Dumbledore may have mentioned a certain hidden cottage that you owned - hope you don't mind but I have brought company."
Remus finally tore his eyes from Sirius, registering the hippogriff lying on the grass behind him. "Uhh -"
"That's Buckbeak. She's a friend."
"Right. Does she... need anything?"
"Nah she's a tough girl - we're both outlaws. Running from the ministry... y'know. Tough stuff."
Remus felt a smile tugging at his lips, "Sounds very... dashing."
"What can I say. Once a rebel, always a rebel. If Minnie could see me now -"
"She still wouldn't agree to dance with you, that's for sure."
Sirius opened his mouth in mock-horror. "Now that's just low."
"Sorry, sorry." Shaking his head fondly, Remus stepped aside, gesturing for the shorter man to come into the cottage. "Welcome to my home."
He took in his surroundings, expression unreadable as the door closed firmly behind him. After what seemed like an age, a smile cracked across his face.
"It's very you."
Remus let out a laugh, "Oh really?"
"I mean - come on, Moony. It's a bookstore in here! And you got your cobblestone fireplace... it's just like..." Sirius cleared his throat, smile dropping slightly, "Like the home we talked about."
Remus dipped his head, cheeks pinkening. "It's not as big as you wanted... or near London. I tried to make the kitchen the way you wanted, but I -"
"You remember."
"So do you."
"Memories. They were all that kept me going."
Remus reached out slowly, allowing Sirius the time to move away if he wanted to. He didn't. Hand slightly trembling, he entwined their fingers, thumb rubbing over Sirius' cold hand.
The apology sat on the tip of his tongue, though he found himself unable to speak. Sirius seemed to understand, lightly squeezing his hand in response.
"So," he said, attempting to lighten the mood, "I don't know about you, but I'm sick of these robes - got anything I can borrow?"
Snapping out of it, Remus finally met his eyes, "Of course. You can have your pick. I doubt you'd be here for more than a day without stealing all my jumpers anyway."
Sirius grinned, walking deeper into the house, "They look better on me."
"Yes they do." Remus breathed, before raising his voice. "The bedroom's other way!"
"I knew that!"
-----
The two of them fell into a routine, comfortable enough, but the tension of unspoken words still hung heavily in the space between them.
Sirius was slowly getting better, regaining more and more of his old spark every day. There were still times when he would get very quiet, sitting in the corner of the front room and staring out of the window, eyes glazed over with memories. Remus would simply brew him a cup of tea, setting it down on the table beside him and gently coaxing him back to the real world with careful touches and hesitant smiles.
He would return the favour by helping Remus on the days when his joints were agitated, brewing simple drafts to help with the pain.
Some nights, when Sirius woke up in a cold sweat, he would curl up at the end of Remus' bed in his dog form. It didn't take long for this to become the norm, the sofa-bed disassembled and Sirius' few items moved into the spare drawers in the bedroom.
It didn't take long for Sirius to catch him half-dressed, eyes silently tracking the new array of scars that covered his torso.
"Let me see." He had said, voice hoarse.
Remus simply let his arms fall to his sides, closing his eyes as hesitant fingers traced over irritated skin.
The moment was suffocatingly intimate, an echo of nights long gone by. It was over far too soon, Sirius letting out an unhappy noise and retreating, transforming into Padfoot and waiting for Remus to get into bed.
"They're just scars," Remus had murmured, blinking sleepily as he finally tugged his tshirt over his head. "Nothing new."
Padfoot huffed.
-----
Writing letters to Harry seemed to help. Sirius would light up every time he received a response, reading them aloud with glee, feet resting on Remus' lap. If he tried hard enough, as he listened he could imagine that everything was normal. That Harry was writing from his bedroom in Godric's Hollow, asking when Uncle Pads and Moony were next visiting as James and Lily laughed downstairs.
The dream always quickly dissipated, replaced with the ever-present weight in his chest.
"I'm glad he's doing okay," Remus said, "Well... as well as you can be when staying with the Dursley's."
"Right?" Sirius exploded, "Petunia was always walking around as if she owned the Earth."
"Her husband's not any better. Do you remember that summer when we helped Lily move out of her parent's house and he called James a slur?"
"I would've punched him if Lily hadn't got to him first." Sirius paused for a moment, shaking his head as the anger built within him. "Miserable bastards didn't even come to their wedding, why the fuck were they given Harry?"
Remus felt a hot poker of shame shoved down his throat. "They wouldn't - You were his godfather, so I thought.. but I was ruled unable to take care of him."
"Rem -"
Shoulders hunching, he wiggled out from underneath Sirius' legs, retreating to the kitchen. The other man followed him.
"Everyone was either dead or gone. Mary... she wanted to be left alone, and I was too tired to even fight their decision. They - they made valid points."
"Moony -"
"They said I was a danger to him."
"You would never hurt Harry -"
"But I almost did! If you weren't there that night, I could've killed them."
Sirius grabbed Remus by the chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. "You are not the wolf. You are Remus. My Remus. One of the most loving, caring people I've ever known. A good man."
His next words were all but punched out of him. "Time changes everything."
Sirius' face hardened. "Not us. Not in any way that matters."
Remus let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding, and desperately searched the stormy eyes in front of him. "Do you mean that?"
"Yes."
Remus stepped closer to Sirius, hands coming to rest on his hips and thumbs hooking through his belt hoops. "Are you sure?"
Sirius' next response was breathier, his eyes focusing on Remus' lips with the desperation of a parched man staring into a stream. "Yes."
Permission granted, Remus leant in, lips slotting together like puzzle pieces. It felt like coming home, time apart meaningless as their bodies fell back in to the ease of melding together. Sirius' hands moved up into the taller man's hair, pulling a pleased groan from him as their bodies pressed together.
Sirius broke away from the embrace, resting his forehead against Remus' chest as tears wetted the grey t-shirt. The taller man instantly moved to calm him, stroking through his hair as he murmured reassuring words against the soft flesh of his temple.
"I missed you so much."
The whisper was almost unheard, a mournful admission spoken from the heart. All Remus could do was hold him tighter, as if he could protect him from the horrors of the world, and reassure him over and over again that no matter what happened he would never leave his side again.
The problem with promises of that magnitude is that they are incredibly hard to keep.
Pairings: Peter Parker x Wade Wilson
Summary: Peter is sick and Wade is smitten.
Whumptober prompt #26 : working to exhaustion / 'you look awful'
Notes: i love this pairing so much ill cry. (also, peter is mid 20s)
masterlist || whumptober2023
"I'm totally 100% definitely dying."
Peter stretched out on the couch, sniffling woefully. His phone was pressed against his left cheek, sticky with sweat.
"Is it that even possible?"
"Yes. Yes it is. And I've got two college essays due in this wee-ee- ACHOO"
Matt let out a laugh, "You know spiders cant actually sneeze?"
"Lucky for the-em- ACHOO"
"This is pathetic, even for you."
"Wow, thanks Red. This is the last time I ever call you for advice."
"Yet you'll call me next week over a stubbed toe no doubt."
Peter could practically hear the eye roll in his voice, frowning as shivers once again decided to wrack his body.
"I dont have any other semi-responsible friends that I can talk to, and I - I dont want to bother May -"
"Dont make me feel sorry for you, or I'll really regret sending the backup."
Peter groaned, "Oh god, who?"
"Blasphemy - and he should be arriving any time now. Foggy's just arriving at the office so I've got to go. Drink lots of water, okay?"
Matt hung up before he could answer, a knock at the door occurring seconds later.
"It's op-ehh-eehhh-ACHOO"
"Say it, don't spray it baby boy!"
Peter groaned again, louder this time, and threw his arm across his eyes. "Why you?"
"That's not a nice way to greet someone bringing you soup!"
Peter made a pathetic noise, halfway between a sniffle and a cough, moving his arm so he could sneak a peek at the merc as he made himself at home in the kitchen.
"That's a pathetic excuse for an apology, but I'm willing to accept it due to your pretty face." Wade was humming quietly to himself as he rummaged around in the cupboard, taking out a bowl with flair and transferring the soup in to it in one smooth motion.
"That wa-aa-as -" Peter paused a moment, waiting to see if the sneeze was about to escape him, continuing as the urge dissipated, "was the most elegant thing I've ever seen you do."
"I dont fuck around with my food," He replied, walking towards the couch, "Unless it's in a sexy-I'm-going-to-lick-chocolate-off-your-body-way, which I'm totally down for any time."
"Charming." Peter rolled his eyes, fighting against his tired muscles and moving into an uneasy sitting position.
"Always for you, baby b- wow. Petey pie, you look awful."
Peter let out a hoarse laugh, accepting the soup with a sarcastic smile.
"Not holding back, huh?"
Wade collapsed backwards on to the ratty futon opposite the couch, throwing his feet up on the coffee table. After wiggling in to a comfortable position, he lifted his mask to just under his nose and popped a bright pink unicorn lollipop into his mouth. "So, how did the amazing spider-man come down with the common cold? I thought you were immune to shit like that."
Peter shrugged, gulping down the soup.
Wade looked around the room for a few moments, sucking loudly on the lollipop. "How about this for a theory: you worked your pretty little butt off, on your daily patrols, part time job and now... college?"
Peter paused his eating for a moment, "Bio-chem."
"Smart and sexy, the whole package!"
"How you find me sexy right now, I have no idea."
Wade slurped extra loudly on the lollipop, looking Peter up and down. "Those hello kitty pyjama pants look good on you. Plus I can't get sick."
"Is that so?"
"Scientifically proven, baby boy. My skins so fucked up because my cells are dying and reproducing every second. Ergo, can't get sick."
"That... proven how, exactly?"
"Trial and error." At Peter's questioning look, he smirked, "There's only so many times you can regrow the majority of your body and not realise that something's funky."
"Funky is one word fo-oor-ACHOOO."
Wade jumped up from his seat, running to his bag and pulling out a disney themed box of tissues. "I came prepared!"
"Princesses? Really?"
"Yes, and look there you are!" He replied, pointing at Cinderella.
"Okay... I'm going to need an explanation."
"She's broke, you're broke. Twins!"
Peter rolled his eyes, though accepted the tissues. Wade laughed, "I guess you're just lucky that I'm here, your knight in shining armour, offering to be your sugar daddy."
"Oh god - don't phrase it like that. I've been getting by on my own just fine, tha-ahhh-ahhh-"
"Bless you."
Peter glared at him. "You jinxed me."
Wade pouted, "Want me to kiss it better?"
At this, Peter threw the tissue box, successfully hitting him in between the eyes.
"Ow!"
Peter grumbled something under his breath, placing the empty soup bowl on the table and burying himself once more into the couch.
"I take back the Cinderella comparison. You're much more like Grumpy Peg-Leg Pete."
Wade laughed at the offended noise emanating from the sofa, finishing his lollipop with a satisfied sigh and jumping up from his seat. "Well, if my assistance is no longer needed..."
"Wait."
Wade grinned, holding his hand up to his ear mockingly, "Sorry what was that? I didn't quite hear you."
Peter huffed, sticking his head fully out of his blankets, enunciating his words clearly. "Don't leave... please."
Wade's grin widened, throwing himself on to the end of the couch, grabbing Peter's feet and placing them on his lap. "I knew you needed me Petey Pie."
"How did you know," the boy replied, sarcasm strong in his tone, "I want you, I need you, oh baby, baby."
The merc's smile didn't drop, relaxing into the chair as he began massaging one of the spider's feet. "Jokes on you, your sarcasm just turns me on more."
"You're insatiable."
"For you? Yes. I'm all the big words. Unquenchable, titillated, concupiscent." He gave a look off to the side, "Thanks for the tutoring Prodigy."
"You -" Peter tried to see what he was looking at, writing it off as one of Deadpool's quirks, "whatever. You missed a word though: persistent."
"How else am I going to get you to admit your deep and passionate love for me?"
Peter rolled his eyes, though didn't offer a rebuttal, instead allowing himself to melt into the pillows as Wade's fingers methodically worked out all the tension in his feet. He let out a sigh, arm thrown over his eyes once again as he willed for the grogginess to leave.
"What's troubling you, baby boy?"
"College essay is due in three days and I still haven't started it."
"Oh?"
"'S all about chemical bonding agents and I - aaaACHOO -" He paused, using his webs to grab the tissue box from across the room and blowing his nose with a pathetic lack of energy before continuing. "I just think that if I think too long about one thing I might die."
"And you can't get an extension?"
"No."
"What about if Bea and Arthur ask?"
"You're not going to threaten my professor with your katanas."
Wade sighed dramatically, but let the issue drop. Now bored, he began to tap out the tune of Grace Kelly on Peter's legs, humming quietly under his breath.
In that moment, the weird domesticity of the scene hit the student, peaking out from under his arm to watch Wade. It felt comfortable, safe in a way that he hadn't felt since developing his powers. He felt cared for. Loved.
Eyes flaring slightly, he pushed that thought away.
"Thank you, 'Pool."
"Hm?"
"Thank you. For coming to look after me."
"Anything to spend time with you and your tight little ass, Petey!"
He snorted, rolling his eyes fondly at the intentional lewdness, gently kicking his chest with his foot. "I mean it."
Wade pressed both hands to his cheeks, shoulders raising as he let out a squeal. "Oh em gee, are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"This is what I get for trying to be serious -"
To Peter's surprise, Wade paused for a moment. When he next spoke, it was with a certain genuineness that he rarely heard from the merc. "I'll always be here for you, no matter what. There's nothing to thank."
Breath caught in his chest, Peter allowed himself to sit up, looking at Wade with new eyes. Without even realising it, his hands had moved to lie on the edges of the mask, waiting for an answer.
"Webs -"
He could feel Wade's breath brush along his palms, finally removing the mask as the merc let out a hesitant nod.
Wade's eyes were blue, deep and endlessly curious.
Mask laid to the side, Peter's eyes rushed to drink in every detail of the man's face, fingers moving across the textured surface with barely restrained admiration.
"I think you're my favourite person."
The confession escaped him, surprising even him with the certainty behind the words.
Wade's eyes sparkle when they smile.
"You're going to make me blush, baby boy."
His eyes flickered to his lips.
"Did you mean what you said... about not caring that I'm sick?"
Wade's eyes widened, wordlessly nodding.
"Good."
Their lips clashed together with unbridled passion, Peter pushing away any doubt he held on to and clinging on to Wade's deceptively strong arms for balance.
The merc met him eagerly, gleeful as he buried his hands into the boy's hair, gripping just hard enough to send a shiver down Peter's spine. At his reaction, Wade smiled, nipping at his lower lip in order to pull another delicious response from him.
The spider had to pull away first, cheeks blazing and chest heaving.
Wade moved one hand down from his hair to cup his cheek, thumb caressing the smooth skin as his eyes searched for any sign of regret. "Webs..."
"I think - I think I lo-oo-ACHOO." He quickly turned away, sneezing into his shoulder.
Wade roared with laughter, offering a tissue as Peter's blush deepened.
dailybridgerton
origamiaround
baratheonpilled
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
gummygunk
izzy806
