A Very Gay Frog

“Well,” said Alice, “these are a dreadfully strange assortment of objects!”

“They all symbolize different aspects of Our Lord’s martyrdom,” said the Fisher King, casting a line into his teacup.

“Indeed. I am sure everything symbolizes something else, for if everything was only itself I should be very confused. Might I ask what the point of the bleeding lance is?”

Alice regretted asking the question as soon as she had done so, for she saw the pun that would likely be made about the word point. Instead, however, the room erupted in applause and shouts of “The Grail! She has achieved the Grail!”

“Which shall you choose?” asked the guardian. “The underwater bridge or the sword bridge?”

“Both sound dreadful,” said Alice. “I think I’ll just float the cart across.”

The guardian sputtered so hard his helmet broke.

“You cannot ride in a cart to rescue a queen!”

“I don’t see why not,” said Alice, growing cross. “It can’t be worse than abducting a queen.”

“Oh, much worse! For to abduct a Queen is wicked but heard of, while to save he on a cart is virtuous and unheard of.”

“Certainly not!” said Alice.  “For if you can survive such a blow, it would be quite unfair to me, and if you cannot, then I will have killed a man over a silly game!”

“Silly games are the most important thing in the world,” said the Green Knight, “for it is after them that we judge honor.”

“You have nothing to fear,” said the robber knight, “for you are traveling alone. Everyone knows a knight may not attack a maiden alone, but only a maiden traveling with a knightly protector!”

“That can’t possibly be a law,” said Alice. “Camelot is absurd, but not that absurd.”

“It is not a law, but a custom.” The robber knight sounded as if he were lecturing a fool, which Alice felt was very unfair of him. “Customs are far more important than laws, for laws may change, but customs never do.”

Alice didn’t think that was true, but she would not argue the point.

“What about attacking a knight?” she asked. “Can someone attack a lone knight, or only a knight traveling with a maiden?”

“One may attack a knight any time and under any circumstance. That is the meaning of the word ‘knight’- he can be attacked by day or by knight!”

Alice thought this sounded reasonable enough, until a thought occurred to her. (That was the trouble with thoughts- they upset otherwise reasonable conversation.)

“Didn’t you try to kill your brother?” she asked. “With a cloak that turned into fire?”

“Yes,” said Morgan. “What of it?”

“It seems,” said Alice as politely as possible (for she did not wish to anger a woman who could turn clothes into fire) “that nearly killing your brother and then saving him is going to a great deal of trouble, which could be avoided by simply not killing him at all.”

“Ah,” said Morgan chidingly, “foolish child! If I did not strike the mortal blow against Arthur, then how would he know to be grateful to me when I saved him?”

Alice looked about, just in case the city of Camelot had fallen while she wasn’t looking. It hadn’t. She felt very sorry to see Mordred weep, and when he ignored her offer of a handkerchief, she thought she might be able to settle things simply by making an observation.

“You haven’t destroyed Camelot!” she noted with a bright tone. “Look, it’s still here!”

“What does that matter?” Mordred snapped. “I must mourn now for the dead I will cause, for I will not have time after I have killed them! Just as my father should have repented for all the infants he could have drowned alongside me on May Day, as he would not had time afterwards!”

“But he didn’t,” Alice pointed out. “You’re not drowned.” She hadn’t personally thought King Arthur the infant-drowning sort, but if he was, he had clearly missed at least one. “And you haven’t killed him, either!”

“And thus, because he did not repent and then proceed to drown me and all the other boys, I must mourn and then proceed to kill him and everyone else! One of us has to get destiny going around here, even if he’s slacking!”

“Beware, human child,” said the Beast over the sound of hurgling and gurgling in its belly, “for I am an ill omen!”

“I am very sorry to hear it,” said Alice. “Can you go to a doctor for that?”

“My birth was a very unpleasant story,” it said as if it had not heard her.

“In that case,” Alice said quickly, “you needn’t-”

“It began with a pair of royal siblings and an incubus…”

“Oh,” said Alice. “Pardon me for asking, but I thought King Arthur already had a sword proclaiming him the True King of the Britons. I think he got it from a stone?”

“Ah,” said the Lady, “but this is Excalibur, the better sword!”

“I thought the other sword was Excalibur?” Alice should have probably let the subject drop, but she was going to have trouble talking about any of this if she couldn’t get it straight.

“No,” said the Lady, “that was Caliburn! Sometimes called Excalibur! This is also Excalibur!”

“But King Arthur already has-”

The Lady thrust the sword towards her, and although it was larger than she was tall, Alice took it, if only to get out of the conversation as soon as possible.

“Which do you prefer,” asked the Lady, “the sword or its sheath?”

“I didn’t really want either of them,” said Alice. “But I suppose the sword, since that’s what you’ve been making such a fuss over.”

“Then you are a fool!” proclaimed the Lady, “for the sheath is far more valuable!”

This is now the only part of the Olympics that I care about.

Not even done laying out the lighting but this is what I’m working on bittttch.

make Pasiphaë’s hair longer

like her mosaic