just a silly guy doing some silly doodles

i have this old photo of my dog holding a hammer and its super lukecore but alas. i cannot capture the energy. but here is your buppy regardless

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW THAT'S SO PRECIOUS

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

Nazis crashing the fuck out at Elmo for no reason is one of my new favorite genres. Literally this pic:

Every single time Duck Newton is horrible at lying !

Episode 7

Duck: Yeah, it’s a nickname. Listen, y’all got a van handy, why don’t you hop in and get on trucking. Don’t forget to— don’t worry ‘bout your clothes. We’ll drive them up seperate.

Swimmer: Why can’t we take our clothes?

Duck: [freezing up] You need to— you need— uh. Here, I’ll get them. Y’all start loading in the van and I’ll bring your clothes out to ya’s. Just another one of the many services we offer from the Forestry Service.

Episode 10

Pigeon: Well, I know how to do it, I just wanna know why.

Duck: Perfect. Perfect. Why? It's for firefighter training? Yeah, it's for firefighter training. It's been a little while since I last told someone that, so I had some time to forget it. But it's for firefighting training, cuz we can't get enough water pressure to fight the fires, forest fires.

Pigeon: Out in Monongahela?

Duck: Yeeeeeeep.

Pigeon: Duck, that's on the opposite side of town. I can find other places that I can get you some more water pressure instead of pumping it out of the water park almost a mile away.

Duck: Yeah, but the water park is definitely gonna be closed. If you can tell me somewhere where you can guarantee that they're not gonna need that amount of water that's using that amount, I'd love to hear about it. Cus, off the top of my head, I can't improvise anything.

Pigeon: There's a reservoir right next to Monongahela.

Duck: The reservoir is a source of water but it's not gonna give other— fuck, listen Pigeon, here's the thing. I... love... to… practice fishing. But... the running water... frightens me, it's called hydrophobia. And I would love to practice my cast in a real water environment where I can get in a large body where I can guarantee that running water won't be a factor. And I would just love to practice my cast in a guaranteed still body. But here's the other thing, sometimes if you do it in a lake, that's what you're thinking, a fish will bite it and normally that's ideal, but I'm just trying to practice casting. It's like, when you don't want to catch, that's when they're biting, y’know what I mean? So I need a still body of water that I can guarantee won't move to practice my fishing casting.

Episode 13

Duck: I should’ve put some time into it, honestly, but I uh… I was real busy with family over the holidays, so I didn’t make much—

Mama: You literally just said you didn’t have any family in town over the holidays.

Duck: God dammit. Dammit!

Mama: I mean, it’s fine if you couldn’t dig anything up, but you don’t gotta lie to old Mama, you know?

Duck: Dammit! Dammit, Duck!

Mama: You don’t have to beat yourself up about it, Duck, I mean po—

Duck: Fuck!

Episode 14

EMT: Do you know what happened to him?

Duck: Oh boy…um…do you want the truth or a more convincing lie? Um, nah so, okay, right… so the Pizza Hut sign started to fall, ‘cause of the weather, and he ran up there on… a fire escape… and tried to push it? …With a bat? Damn it. Nah, he just pushed it, and it fell, but then he fell ‘cause he got shocked. I bet… mmm…I didn’t see. I was in-Ah, shit! Alright, hey fol-hey guys, rewind. I-hey guys, rewind a second. Ah fuck! I was inside, I didn’t see. Anything! I don’t know… this man. I do know this man. His name-Fuck!  Alright, I Ned, hi, here's-hmmm. Alright, so this man’s name is Ned, and he’s a friend of mine, and I don’t know what the hell happened to him, but you know this guy. He’s always getting into something. I don’t know, I was in the building, I almost got killed by a Pizza Hut sign. I might be in shock!

Episode 18

Duck: Honestly… uh if I gotta tell you the truth, Juno, I’m— I was trying to get into character. I’ve been—

Juno: You’re going undercover with these teens?

Duck: —I’m going undercover. I got a undercover teenage identity. It’s— it’s Frick Richums and when I assume the identity of Frick Richums, I’m trying to get undercover, with the Hornets [hisses] so I can find their illegal grow thing. [grunts]

Juno: You are a truly miserable liar, Duck Newton.

Duck: Goddamnit! I put on such a good— damnit!

Juno: Hey, when you’re finished with the… with those, those nails. Would you mind taking them back to the station? I need to sort of keep going around the perimeter see if I can find something to, you know, maybe help with your investigation to take down those— those drug kingpins, the Hornets.

Duck: Yeah, Juno, about that. I— I was kidding about that, of course. I was just having some fun. But I did… I did hear some of them talking on...... Facebook about you and how they were gonna target you. Like they need to get you out of the way. And it kinda freaked me out a little bit. Can you think of any reason anybody would wanna get you… outta the way? Or— or be targeting you? Like… for this?

Episode 21

(Deputy Dewey is asking for alibis)

Duck: Me— Me— Me too.

Deputy Dewey: You too what? You were

Duck: Yup.

Deputy Dewey: Alright…

Duck: Me too. I was— Yup, I— Yup, me too, for both. Yup, me too. Mmm…

Aubrey: Duck, are you okay? You look like you need to use the bathroom.

Duck: Nope. Yeah, I do. Yup. Uh, Burritos, alright… Bye.

Episode 22 Featuring Ned and Aubrey also being bad at lying

Morgue Technician: Can I help y'all with something?

Duck: Well, we would like to see the bodies of--

Aubrey: My brother!

Duck: My dad.

Ned: My son.

Duck: His brother. Her-- His-- His son, her brother, my dad.

Aubrey: Not related. There's two of 'em.

Ned: But you have to figure out which two.

Duck: We need to see a body for a dare. I'm sorry about all the lies from before but we need to see a body for a dare.

Aubrey: I was dared to look at the body of my brother.

Ned: And my son.

Aubrey: I was dared to look at the body of his son. Who is also my brother. Because he is my father.

Episode 32

whuh