Every single time Duck Newton is horrible at lying !
Duck: Yeah, itās a nickname. Listen, yāall got a van handy, why donāt you hop in and get on trucking. Donāt forget toā donāt worry ābout your clothes. Weāll drive them up seperate.
Swimmer: Why canāt we take our clothes?
Duck: [freezing up] You need toā you needā uh. Here, Iāll get them. Yāall start loading in the van and Iāll bring your clothes out to yaās. Just another one of the many services we offer from the Forestry Service.
Pigeon: Well, I know how to do it, I just wanna know why.
Duck: Perfect. Perfect. Why? It's for firefighter training? Yeah, it's for firefighter training. It's been a little while since I last told someone that, so I had some time to forget it. But it's for firefighting training, cuz we can't get enough water pressure to fight the fires, forest fires.
Pigeon: Out in Monongahela?
Pigeon: Duck, that's on the opposite side of town. I can find other places that I can get you some more water pressure instead of pumping it out of the water park almost a mile away.
Duck: Yeah, but the water park is definitely gonna be closed. If you can tell me somewhere where you can guarantee that they're not gonna need that amount of water that's using that amount, I'd love to hear about it. Cus, off the top of my head, I can't improvise anything.
Pigeon: There's a reservoir right next to Monongahela.
Duck:Ā The reservoir is a source of water but it's not gonna give otherā fuck, listen Pigeon, here's the thing. I... love... toā¦ practice fishing. But... the running water... frightens me, it's called hydrophobia. And I would love to practice my cast in a real water environment where I can get in a large body where I can guarantee that running water won't be a factor. And I would just love to practice my cast in a guaranteed still body. But here's the other thing, sometimes if you do it in a lake, that's what you're thinking, a fish will bite it and normally that's ideal, but I'm just trying to practice casting. It's like, when you don't want to catch, that's when they're biting, yāknow what I mean? So I need a still body of water that I can guarantee won't move to practice my fishing casting.
Duck: I shouldāve put some time into it, honestly, but I uhā¦ I was real busy with family over the holidays, so I didnāt make muchā
Mama: You literally just said you didnāt have any family in town over the holidays.
Duck: God dammit. Dammit!
Mama: I mean, itās fine if you couldnāt dig anything up, but you donāt gotta lie to old Mama, you know?
Duck: Dammit! Dammit, Duck!
Mama: You donāt have to beat yourself up about it, Duck, I mean poā
EMT: Do you know what happened to him?
Duck: Oh boyā¦umā¦do you want the truth or a more convincing lie? Um, nah so, okay, rightā¦ so the Pizza Hut sign started to fall, ācause of the weather, and he ran up there onā¦ a fire escapeā¦ and tried to push it? ā¦With a bat? Damn it. Nah, he just pushed it, and it fell, but then he fell ācause he got shocked. I betā¦ mmmā¦I didnāt see. I was in-Ah, shit! Alright, hey fol-hey guys, rewind. I-hey guys, rewind a second. Ah fuck! I was inside, I didnāt see. Anything! I donāt knowā¦ this man. I do know this man. His name-Fuck! Ā Alright, I Ned, hi, here's-hmmm. Alright, so this manās name is Ned, and heās a friend of mine, and I donāt know what the hell happened to him, but you know this guy. Heās always getting into something. I donāt know, I was in the building, I almost got killed by a Pizza Hut sign. I might be in shock!
Duck: Honestlyā¦ uh if I gotta tell you the truth, Juno, Iāmā I was trying to get into character. Iāve beenā
Juno: Youāre going undercover with these teens?
Duck: āIām going undercover. I got a undercover teenage identity. Itāsā itās Frick Richums and when I assume the identity of Frick Richums, Iām trying to get undercover, with the Hornets [hisses] so I can find their illegal grow thing. [grunts]
Juno: You are a truly miserable liar, Duck Newton.
Duck: Goddamnit! I put on such a goodā damnit!
Juno: Hey, when youāre finished with theā¦ with those, those nails. Would you mind taking them back to the station? I need to sort of keep going around the perimeter see if I can find something to, you know, maybe help with your investigation to take down thoseā those drug kingpins, the Hornets.
Duck: Yeah, Juno, about that. Iā I was kidding about that, of course. I was just having some fun. But I didā¦ I did hear some of them talking on...... Facebook about you and how they were gonna target you. Like they need to get you out of the way. And it kinda freaked me out a little bit. Can you think of any reason anybody would wanna get youā¦ outta the way? Orā or be targeting you? Likeā¦ for this?
(Deputy Dewey is asking for alibis)
Duck: Meā Meā Me too.
Deputy Dewey: You too what? You were
Duck: Me too. I wasā Yup, Iā Yup, me too, for both. Yup, me too. Mmmā¦
Aubrey: Duck, are you okay? You look like you need to use the bathroom.
Duck: Nope. Yeah, I do. Yup. Uh, Burritos, alrightā¦ Bye.
Episode 22
Featuring Ned and Aubrey also being bad at lying
Morgue Technician: Can I help y'all with something?
Duck: Well, we would like to see the bodies of--
Duck: His brother. Her-- His-- His son, her brother, my dad.
Aubrey: Not related. There's two of 'em.
Ned: But you have to figure out which two.
Duck: We need to see a body for a dare. I'm sorry about all the lies from before but we need to see a body for a dare.
Aubrey: I was dared to look at the body of my brother.
Aubrey: I was dared to look at the body of his son. Who is also my brother. Because he is my father.
Duck: Umā¦ yup. Itāsā¦ Harpo. Uh, allā¦ [imitating crackling noise] Yāall hearing this? [imitating crackling] Theā¦ radio break up. Radio break up. Mrrr.
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