*screams into the void*

you punch nazis!

Dick: how does ikea work?

Clark: ?

Dick: like, if you want to buy a bookshelf… do you pick up a whole book shelf?

Clark:

Dick: no, cus they got that whole shitty instructions things.

Clark, pen hovering over a pad as he just wants to continue his Nightwing interview.

Dick: do you just pick up a big box and put it in a cart? They’d need some big carts, especially if you have a lot of items.

Clark:

Dick: oh, but they got those flat carts!

Clark: just one time can we have a normal discussion.

Dick: it’s the gnomes, isn’t it?

Clark drops his pen down.

Clark: apparently not.

Dick: you pick up a card, a card with a barcode on it. Then they what, scan it? And then while you eat your meatballs, the tiny gnomes gather your furniture. But they can’t be seen so it just magically appears once you’ve reached your balls coma.

Clark:

Clark: yes, that’s it.

Dick: oh my god.

Clark begins to rise. He has enough material for his interview. Bruce can’t pay him enough to make his sons look good this time, the world needs to know.

Dick: Are they getting paid? Are they being treated right? Clark? Clark?

Clark opens the door.

Dick: Clark!

He pauses but is reluctant.

Dick: you think one would work as a sidekick for me?

——

Clark, waiting for the phone to ring through.

Click.

Bruce: hello?

Clark: take your fucking kids to ikea.

Click. Beeeeep.

Bruce pulls the phone back. Past him, Dick is fighting a gnome he says he stole from ikea into a mini Robin uniform, the other boys video taping.

Bruce: Clark just swore at me.

Jack and Janet never die and Tim starts getting responsibilities (outside of his secret night life as Robin) at Drake industries, because he's smart, Jack thinks he needs to learn responsibility, Janet just wants someone to make fun of Lex Luther and Bruce Wayne with. So, comes the worst thing to happen to other CEO's and Drake Industries shareholders: THE Son and Mother duo.

They're ruthless. Tim curses people out till Janet is crying from trying not to laugh, she then proceeds to get them fired and blacklisted from every company. They'll never work in Gotham again.

Sometimes Tim will go on trips during summer with them now that he's older, digs and such, he learns that he parents kind of steal ancient / sometimes cursed artifacts and old jewelry and fossils, but it's okay because his Mom likes to tell him the entire history of every piece until he falls asleep at night...

Then Tim gets his very own secretary, technically an intern— But it's someone his age, a Bernard Dowd, who's parents suck and insisted he "do something with his life" at sixteen for a "head start" his Father said. And Tim instantly thinks "Wow. This guy is a loser." As he rattles on about conspiracy theories. Until the worst thing that could possibly happen happens... Tim feels attached. He gets attached. Attracted even. Because this guy is a loser, but he's a cute loser with cool sunglasses and somehow knows about the court of owls and has stupid Batman theories.

Janet may or may not have orchestrated the whole thing after Tim broke up with Stephanie and didn't wanna see her son dying alone— look, the woman is paranoid, sue her.

Years later and Kakashi, trying to cheer up Naruto and Sasuke ab their own embaressing accidental first kiss, shares his own story

Then, years later when Obito reveals himself on the battlefield, instead of going "woah, another Uchiha!?" when he hears his name, Naruto can't help but point and shout OH MY GOD UR THE GUY WHO KISSED SENSEI!!!!!!!!

Instant dead silence. (Obito wants to die)

Sakura, who never heard the story ab how it was a one time accidental kiss: "omg... sensei's childhood boyfriend went evil on him... this is so fucked up"

Obito is VIOLENTLY thrown off by this turn of events (and also hasn't actually thought ab it in years oh my god that did happen didn't it)

Kakashi, seeing how badly it threw him off, and also the kind of person who plays hard into throwing people off and generally fucking w them to gain an edge, seeing Sakura mumbling ab lovers to enemies and just kinda goes "Yeah Obito I can't believe you'd do this to me I thought we had smthn special."

"Yeah a rivalry????"

"So I was only ever a way for u to get stronger,, figures u were using me,,,"

[Confused Obito car crash noises]

Sakura yells smthn ab him being a deadbeat and how Kakashi can do so much better and Naruto is instantly shouting in agreement as Sasuke stands there like "hn." Which is basically the same thing for him

Kakashi just starts straight up lying actually

"What about all those picnics we went on... watching the sun set over konoha..."

"Are you talking about when Minato said we weren't allowed to come back inside till we stopped arguing and ate on opposite ends of the roof bc we couldn't even look at eachother without yelling???"

"It was so romantic."

Obito, starting to actually doubt himself, "was that a date????"

(It was not.)

"You died in my arms..."

"I died under a rock"

"We literally got eye married" (not a thing, he just made this up 3 seconds ago)

"We got WHAT" (no one can prove him wrong tho bc no surviving Uchiha knows that much ab their clans marriage traditions)

"Oh my god sensei's husband is a deadbeat" - sakura, horrified (and maybe a little delighted)

"Figures." -Sasuke, who's been in proximity w Obito for some time now and absoloutley believes every word ab this topic Kakashi is saying

"Woah. This is almost as bad as the fact he murdered my parents when I was a baby dattebayo" - Naruto who's priorities are NOT what they should be

"Ok. I wouldn't go that far." - Sasuke, who's priorities are also fucked but not THAT fucked, oh my god Naruto

And done! :D I really like the idea of Damian experimenting more artistic skills, like body painting- But first he gotta start with something small, so- Makeup!

Lightning Bait

HERMES: DA FUNNY ONE

ZEUS: DA LIGHTNING (NOTE: THOUGHT HE WAS NORDIC, FATHER OF THOR)

POSEIDON: DA SEA ONE

HEPHAESTUS: DA FIRE/FORGING/STEEL ONE

APHRODITE: DA HOT ONE

KRATOS: GOD OF WAR

HADES: DA HELL ONE. ROGUE LIKE

*Makes an AU where Tim and Bernard do random, big things (ex: elope, get matching tattoos, go on spontaneous vacations...) and tells no one else.*

—

Dick: Uh, Tim?

Tim: Yeah?

Dick: When did you get a tongue piercing?

Bruce: W H a t ?

Jason: Damn, go off, pretender.

Tim: Uhh...

Tim, remembering last night when he was up to late and exhausted, Bernard was horny, compromises were made, and Tim decided he wanted a tongue piercing and Bernard knew how...

—

Bruce: So, you two have been dating a few years.

Tim: ? ? ? Uh, yeah.

Bruce: Have either of you, perhaps, considered marriage?

Tim, who got eloped to Bernard three years ago after Bruce p#&%#d him off:

Jason, who married them, smirking but keeping his mouth shut:

—

Damian:

Tim: ?

Damian: Father disapproves of tattoos, says they could compromise our identities.

Tim, remembering his eighteenth birthday, going off with Bernard to get matching tattoos: How'd you find out?

Damian: I have my ways, Drake.

Tim: What do you need to keep quiet?

Damian: Skateboarding lessons!

Tim:

Tim: You don't need to blackmail me for those!

Damian: IT'S ABOUT DIGNITY, DRAKE!

—

Tim, showing up with a toddler on his hip, sucking her thumb with bright blue eyes and curly blonde hair in braids: Ugh, sorry I was late, Bern couldn't watch Darla tonight.

Bruce:

Dick:

Jason:

Damian:

Duke:

Alfred:

Cassandra:

Stephanie:

Bruce: I need an explanation. Now.

Tim: ??? Oh, Bernard, had to work late—

Dick: ABOUT THE BABY! WHY DO YOU HAVE A BABY?!

Tim: Huh? Oh, yeah, Ra's owed me a favor.

Damian: Grandfather cloned you and Dowd..?

Tim: No, weirdo!

Tim: He used both our DNA to make a test tube baby.

Bruce, having a heart attack as they speak:

Jason: Who's last name she got?

Tim: Dowd-Drake-Wayne.

Duke: Nahh, you did her dirty with that one, man.

Tim: She'll appreciate it when she's older, if she gets married she can continue to trend of joining last names.

Stephanie: Is there not a character limit?

Cass: Wrong questions.

Dick: TIM! BABY! WHY!?

Tim: Felt like it.

Bruce: Why haven't we met her? Why did you bring her to the cave!?

Tim: You never asked to meet her.

Stephanie: How did you hide this?

Tim: I wasn't trying to, you guys just didn't look very hard.

Duke: Dude, that's a whole a&# child.

Cass: She's quiet.

Tim: She's analyzing.

Darla: You're all mentally challenged.

Bruce: Tim, we need to have a talk about this, as soon as possible.

Tim: Can't, I'm on baby duty the rest of the week. Unfortunately Bern said she's not allowed to be Robin till she's at least sixteen, so—

Damian: EXCUSE ME!?

Tim: THAT'S RIGHT! A DRAKE WILL REPLACE YOU!

Darla: I gave Daddy stitches last night when he fell through the window, he told me how!

Cass:

Duke:

Damian:

Bruce:

Stephanie:

Cass:

Dick: YOU LET A TODDLER GIVE YOU STITCHES!?

—

Bruce, on the phone: TIM! WHERE ARE YOU?! You're late for patrol and we couldn't find you or Bernard, your boat is a mess—

Tim: Me and Bern went on a vacation to Italy.

Bernard: Felt like sight seeing.

Bruce:

Bruce: Without telling me?

Tim: I'm an adult.

Bruce: Tim.

Tim: Bruce.

Bernard: Yeah, anyways, Tim is kinda tied up—

Bruce: HE WAS CAPTURED!?

Tim:

Bernard, grinning: By me.

Bruce:

Bruce: Jason is in Norway with the Outlaws, I'm sending him.

Bernard: NO, WE'RE HAVING SE—

Tim: BERNARD!

*Makes a Timbern Baby AU, but they... Forget to tell any of their family they had a baby for a few years.*

—

Tim, stumbling inside, half asleep, fell through the window, face planted, got back up, blinks slowly:

Bernard, standing there with a newborn in his arms: Uh, hey, Tim?

Tim, army crawling on the floor because getting up is a lot of work: Huh?

Bernard: Some ninja looking dude showed up at our doorstep, said something about owing you and making amends and stuff...

Tim, pulling himself into bed: Uh huh?

Bernard: He gave us a baby.

Tim:

Bernard, holding up baby: She's made of our DNA and stuff.

Tim:

Bernard: Sooo...

Tim, confused screaming:

—

Tim, holding up his new daughter: I lost my spleen to that man, got thrown out a window, had an army of assassins sent after me... anD HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR FATHER!?

Bernard, laughing:

—

Tim, setting their new baby in a box they made into a crib: Should we, like, name it?

Bernard, observing the sleeping baby: That's probably the responsible thing to do.

Tim: So, first name?

Bernard: First name. Uhh, could name her after your Mom?

Tim: Which one?

Bernard: Okay, so that's a no. After your sister?

Tim: That'd get confusing later.

Bernard: . . . We could name her after Darla.

Tim: I'm game if you are.

Bernard: Nice, so, we're great at this parenting thing! So... Who's last name does she take?

Tim: I'm convinced the Wayne name is cursed, so.

Bernard: Darla Dowd?

Tim: Wait.

Bernard: Yeah?

Tim: We could do the funniest thing ever.

*She was later dubbed: Darla Janet Dowd-Drake-Wayne.*

—

Jason: Damn, Timmy, you look exhausted.

Tim: I'm a parent now.

Jason, assuming he adopted a plant or something: Pfft, well, good luck with that.

—

*Exactly four years pass, and somehow nobody's pieced together / realized Tim and Bernard have a whole ahh child...*

Tim: Ugh, Darla has been such a handful lately. She heard Jason on call last week and now knows exactly four swear words, she uses them religiously.

Bruce: Darla didn't already know swear words?

Dick: Your friend? Isn't she, like, in her twenties..?

Tim:

Tim, with a horrible realization: You... When I talk about Darla, you thought I was... Referring to mine and Bern's friend, Darla?

Bruce: Who else would you be referring to?

Jason: I thought Bernard had a little cousin or somethin'.

Tim:

Tim: Uhh... I meant... I meant... My daughter.

Jason:

Bruce:

Dick:

Alfred: About time!

—

Darla: Why do you look like a skunk?

Jason: I died.

Darla: Shouldn't have done that.

Jason: It wasn't my choice! I got sold to a clown!

Darla: Skill issue.

Jason: Are you victim blaming?

Darla: No, just saying you have skill issue. I haven't been kidnapped by a clown!

Jason: I can change that.

Darla: Bet I won't die.

Jason:

Jason: PRETENDER, COME GET YOUR BRAT!

—

Darla: Why are you Robin?

Damian, a full on teenager, researching medical schools: Because I was chosen.

Darla: Why?

Damian: You ask a lot of questions.

Darla: Can I be Robin?

Damian: Why would you be Robin?

Darla: Papa was Robin.

Damian: Your point?

Darla, with a sh!t eating grin: I'm the blood daughter.

Damian, having flashbacks:

—

Dick: You're pretty smart for a four year old.

Darla: You're pretty smart for a high school dropout.

Dick:

Dick: Your Dad is a high school drop out!

Darla: And he didn't become a cop, in a city worse than Gotham!

Dick:

Dick: Well—

Darla: Fumbling aliens does run in our family though, I noticed...

Dick: Are... Are you talking about Connor or Kori?

Darla: Both, but I'm glad I don't have alien DNA, uncle Kon has mad skill issues, man.

Dick: How do you know any of this?!

Darla: Papa and I have talks over breakfast.

—

Bruce: . . .

Darla: I have that effect on people.

Bruce: What... What do you do for fun?

Darla: I like to ice skate!

Bruce: Can... Can I buy you a skating rink?

Darla: Only if we can play Chapel Roan on the speakers, and I want a disco ball.

Bruce: Done.

—

Tim: Thanks for watching Dolly, Duke. Was she good?

Duke: Oh, she was great! We s#%& talked B!

Darla: Damned emotionally constipated furry!

Tim: So proud.

—

Stephanie: So, aiming to be Robin and a Batgirl someday?

Darla: Oh, I'm gonna steal all your mantle at some point, then make my own.

Stephanie: An overachiever, I like it.

—

Cassandra: Do you want to learn how to be one with the shadows and remain completely silent?

Darla: Stealth training? YEs!

—

Jason: To be completely clear, I gave Bruce his first granddaughter.

Tim: I gave him his favorite in-law though.

Jason: WHAT?! B totally prefers Roy over Bernard!

Tim: Please, Bernard can cook, has Alfred's approval, graduated high school AND college with two majors, as well as opened a restaurant AND isn't a meta in any way!

Jason: He hasn't even saved the world! Once!

Tim: Oh, and he's not a ginger.

Jason:

Tim:

Dick, rushing in: WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT GINGERS!?

Jason: YOUR DAUGHTER IS ABOUT TO BE AN ORPHAN, PRETENDER!

Tim: I believe I've made a mistake...

—

Tim: Now, what do we do if someone asks to follow them down an alleyway?

Darla: That's how one set of my great grandparents died, do I look like a sucker to you?!

Bernard: Uhh, Tim..?

Tim: Then what?

Darla: Kick them in the crotch and call uncle Jay to shoot 'em!

Tim: No, wait, we don't kill people.

Darla: And why not?

Tim: I haven't figured out yet myself, but the most I can gather is that we can't afford those types of crashouts.

—

Babs: I guess you explain why Tim and Bernard had so many searches about babies...

Darla: . . . Do you have access to my search history?

Babs: Why..?

Darla: No reason.

—

Darla, at daycare, not having a clue what she's saying means: MY GRANDPA CAN F#%$ YOUR GRANDPA!

I'm what you might call a "fake Batman fan" - that is, I've only watched most of the Batman animated series', all of the live action movies, most of the animated ones, played some of the video games... so, you know, probably thousands of hours of my life in Batman related media. But not the comics! Fake fan!

Frankly, I find the comics medium the way DC and Marvel do it to be really hard to follow. There's the fact that you can't really follow an individual solo character without them getting caught up in massive crossover events that ruin their arc and pacing, there's the soap-opera-iness that encourages cheap and revolving conflicts inherent to the longform monthly release schedule, the writer roulette, and there's also just that going back to try and thread a particular continuity or character is an exercise in frustration. Oh and the retcons. Everyone hates those. They've (basically) never been good. Don't remember this part it will never come up aga

But, you know, despite this - or maybe because of this - comics is a breeding ground for ideas. Because of the quick turnaround and the demand for novel conflicts, comics just churn out idea after idea. Good ideas, bad ideas, doesn't matter. Get it to print. Retcon it later if we write ourselves into a corner. Comics are often soooooo first draft coded. This is why I personally prefer adaptations - they often reimagine ideas and retcon them into new narratives where they can serve a more coherent plot. But what happens when a character is picked up for a second draft ... without actually contradicting the earlier material? While enriching the earlier material, even?

(SPOILERS for Tim Drake: Robin and uh... 20 year old comics under the cut!)