I can only sit here in hospital wondering am I being selfish knowing that I now have another surgery ahead of me because of these complications. Is it wrong being at peace knowing I'm happy to die on the table than not live completely free of my old body.

So, I'm pretty sure last year I was having the same break down I am now.. I honestly thought I was over it, I could talk about it openly and it not bother me. I was wrong.

One of my friends has a child and I offered to take her to after school trampolining with the inflatable courses too and to my guilty pleasure I loved being the adult this child had all their trust in. Jumping off the walls hoping I'd catch them (honestly almost dropped her once, but it's cool she would have bounced?) Jumping in the foam pits and guiding through the mini assault courses.

I've done so well for so long to not be angry, but holy shit. Over the past few days I've been noticing my headspace becoming a little "worse for wear" shall we say.

Today.. Today I've had to physically stay in bed to just let my brain process all the violent thoughts going through and yet still at 7.30pm it is getting aggressively worse.

This isn't side effects of testosterone this is just due to people and their lack of "trying". I can put all my efforts into people in their time of need and yet I go back to work for 5 days and no one bothers with me because my response time isn't straight away.

So I hit 8weeks post op yesterday and I can finally be padding free! Scab free! And only a tiny hole left to heal, but not so much oozing. I'm finally getting comfortable with the feeling of when you sit just everything feels weird. You sit to quick you've sat on the end of your dick, 😂 then you look weird to have to sort it so I've learnt to slid onto the seat so it pushed everything forwards and not back lying naked I'm now less paranoid about him going cold.

I've had my first proper shower today that I stayed in longer than a few minutes and had a full wash using proper soaps and not cleaning foams. Never felt so refreshing to be under water!

I can hang free however because I still have the slight hole underneath I pad it a little as it oozes.

So, recently I've decided I'm going to try and find some people who are willing to give their experiences post op with rff so it gives followers a good idea what the differences are in recovery.

I'll be 6 weeks on Friday post op and this is my leg update! Couldn't be happier as I'm further than most are at healing stages in terms of scabbing and pigment colour.

I hit 5 weeks post op yesterday and asbi was sat checking him over and the stitches , the hole I have underneath and everything else I just thought, our body's heal so fast and time flys by once you're past that first 2 weeks...

It really does just hit home home how natural everything becomes. You learn to sleep without moving or placing things a certain way , certain clothes and just general everyday positioning to sit.

I had my consultation with Mr Ralph who honestly was so chilled he just looks at me from afar and said yes, you can have thigh option do you want to remove your hair or not before first stage? (Bare in mind I chose NOT to have UL (to stp) I said no I don't want hair removal because it adds time onto waiting list and he put me forward.

If ALT is your goal, I cannot stress how something so simple as cycling will tone your legs to get a great fat to muscle ratio (this controls your girth outcome, your blood supply will be better) you can insist on ALT , but have your BMI in the " healthy " range or that will be his first excuse as it can affect your blood supply essentially losing your phallus.

UL always gets hooked up at 2nd stage. This is where many guys have problems with leaking whilst it repairs but this isn't due to any technique it happens to everyone.

Let it all hang loose for a little while.. nurse is checking him tomorrow so we shall see what she has to say.