Undisclosed Desires

just like a flickering bulb, these thoughts come and they go. i understand that it is inevitable, yet i find myself emulating its filament; my body feels like its set on fire as that same recurring thought swallows me. somehow, i can't decide if that's a good or bad thing because all filaments in bulbs are required to be heated enough to emit light, right? i can only hope to have the resistance that a filament has to these currents.

I’m tired. What of? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it’s the breathing? The robotic movement my body is automatically programmed to perform - waking up, getting to work, and then going back home to repeat the cycle? Or maybe it’s the fact that I barely even feel anymore? My body exists independently from my head and my heart, nothing about my head and heart stops me from going to work and likewise going to work doesn’t mean that my head and heart are in it. I’m tired of pretending, pretending to be happy, pretending that I belong here- I think it’s called imposter syndrome. I am tired, tired of my disorganised attachment style, something I can’t get an understanding of, something that makes me sad, fearful and avoidant all at the same time. Maybe I’m tired when I feel because it overwhelms me and maybe that’s why my body is trained to function without my heart. But I think I can answer my question now, I’m tired of existing.