im going to start a false crime podcast where i explain crimes that never actually happened

i’m going to do the crimes you explain, forcing you into having a true crime podcast

It’s literally dark by 4pm. Do you think that’s good for me? Do you think I am loving that

oh hey youre finally awake u hit your head on a brick ouch.!! glad youre ok ^_^.... (holding a second brick behind my back!)

worst part about winter… da cold toilet seat… da frozen throne

i know i talk about pokemon go a lot but like. the summer of 2016 where pokemon go was released? i’ve never seen anything like it in my life. shit was absolutely insane

i gave my phone to a stranger who jumped a fence to get a clefairy that was in a restricted area

the kitchen is for high drama and the couch is for soft but fraught conversations and emotional closure and the doorway is for comedy

Sometimes I go to myself "you know, I don't understand what NFTs are" and then I go look it up again and discover, yes, actually I do know what NFTs are. It's just that every time I read about them again I'm left going "this CAN'T be it, there has to be something else to make this make sense" and the answer is always no.

*in a fake body cast, interrupting your conversation* i just think its cruel how not one of you has mentioned my… condition.

God gives his hardest lemonades to his toughest Mikes

why is there no Barbie mortician career doll