I'll abra-ca-stab-ya

“Then we’ll float around, like men”

“I am to metaphor cheese as metaphor cheese is to transitive verb crackers.”

“Sorbets are entirely made out of fancy people.”

“What? Do you think we’ll need more bulgarian folk dance music?”

“nothing says mothers love like a giant, robotic, platypus butt.”

“You know what I like about our friends? We say things like ‘We’re gonna douse you with ant pheromones’ and they’re just like ‘Okay, whatever’. They’re so cool!”

“Well it wasn’t really a pool, it was more of a… let’s just say it only had water in it on alternating Thursdays.”

“See, it had occurred to me that what I should REALLY be doing is fighting fire with fire. And by ‘fire’ I mean ‘Perry the Platypus’. And by ‘fire’ I ALSO mean ‘Perry the Platypus’. … It occurred to me while I was on fire.”

“I’m just saying, as a non sequitur, a talking zebra seems a little…” “Forced?” “Yeah, forced!”

“Run for your lives, it’s gnome-ageddon!”

“Look, they’ve started their own overpriced coffee franchise…that’s so 90s.”

“I am a dry-cleaning wheel. Why do I exist?”

“I have life-sized molds of all my friends.”

“Never eat a cactus if you are out of practice”

“Why do my nostrils whisper to me?”

“Move to France and refuse to speak French!”

“Your hot dog is no match for my bratwurst!”

“I’d had enough of science. I decided to devote my life to poetry instead. ‘The movies are grey, the tv is black, the horses are running, please bring me some food.’ Yet curiously I STILL lost to a baking soda volcano!”

“Lawn gnome beach party of taffeta, make a note of that.”

September is here. Meaning that you should to start fresh. So change those bed sheets. Switch out that old toothbrush. Get your hoodies and sweaters out. Prepare for a better you. With new goals. And a healthier mindset. I know it’s been hard lately, but use this opportunity to start fresh.

living life at your own pace isn’t a waste of time

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