Sicaria Suebicus

"This show is problematic because the hero didn't kill the villain at the end": When does he steal the bread?

"These two characters who were close friends throughout the series don't kiss at the end! What the fuck?": When does he steal the bread?

Me: “I work on a computer all day.”

Doctor: “Ah. That will do it. Right, so here’s a script for anti-inflammatories and a muscle relaxer. Also try hot and cold on it, 15 minutes each, and then gentle movements between each round. You’ll feel better in about a week.”

Me: “In a week I’m still going to need to work on the computer.”

Doctor: “And here’s also a script for 6 months of Physical Therapy.”

Me: “In 6 months I’m still going to need to work at a computer.”

Doctor: “And take breaks and do stretches between meetings?”

Me: “They book me in back to back meetings where I work. I eat lunch at my computer. I have to excuse myself to go pee.”

Doctor: “…”

Me: “…”

Doctor: “Um… it sounds like this job is actually, literally, killing you? Can you possibly work someplace else?” *

———

But I guess I should have used different drugs because the wronged ancestor I got was this I think neanderthal who was around when they invented bags. Like, to carry shit in. Before bags they just carried everything like, in their hands and arms and stuff.

And she was still mad about the bags! Like, absolutely furious that some other biped had done that. Total disrespect to the craft of carrying items, in her opinion; ruined a whole generation's balance and arm strength. And she personally had been *so* good at balancing fruits and dead animals in her arms stably and over lengthy walks. Which she demonstrated to me.

And she was like "you know why you have back pain. It's those fucking bags." And I went, "oh yeah I know my doctor told me my fucking high school backpack did permanent damage." Then I had to tell her about backpacks, and you have never SEEN a neanderthal or whatever she was that fucking mad. She asked if I could find a descendent of whoever was responsible for *those* to kill, and I had to say no, I'm sorry, but the backpacks were also a really long time ago, I cannot trace guilt in blood on that one either.

So she was really pissed off and went like "I don't think you really even want an ancestral revenge quest." And I was feeling kind of defensive at this point and asked her why she didn't kill the bag lady herself with a spear when she wasn't looking. And then I had to explain spears, too. I guess the bags came first?

Spanish speaking child: ¡esta bebe!

Excited screaming from both.

Spanish: -produces a toy of some kind-

Excited screaming both.

Spanish: do... do you...quieres... ahhh...

English: do you want to come pl-

Spanish: ¿juega conmigo? -toy makes a sound-

FIJMU News 7-26-26 by Förlåt Förde Svenskaskämten

Bad news has hit the Kit-Furniture sales world as MÖBELFIENDE, the second largest manufacturer and seller of ready-to-assemble home furnishings has announced the end of production for its most famous and once best selling product, the Litenfotstöd.

According to MÖBELFIENDE president Emanuel Soffaborg, "People just don't want to use any kind of fotstöd anymore. Not only has the Litenfotstöd undersold in recent years, but the Tåkudde, the Hälpolerare, and even the Någotdukansättafötternapå as well."

Others are aghast at the decision. According to poet Dylån Thömas, "They are wrong wrong wrong to end the Litenfotstöd. They should not go gentle into that good mörknatt. Furniture should be made and sat upon until the sluttid of the dag. Rage, rage against the dying of the solskensomärenmetaforförlivet!"

This is what's called a poetic epithet, and it happens all the time in writing. Consider, for example, Homer and his wine-dark sea, or Shakespeare and his death-mark'd love.

If you were then to start using them instead of the word they're describing, you'd be making a kenning. For example, if instead of describing the sun as honey-bright, you said "the honey-drop in the sky". Kennings are best known from Norse writings, like "the path of serpents" for gold, or "Grímnir's lip-streams" for poetry itself.

◡ – / ◡ – / ◡ – / ◡ – / ◡ – The sun / was ho/ney-bright / that af/ternoon