They grew up in such a way that anything that they weren't really allowed to be a kid growing up.
Things kept happening when they were young, so they had to force themself to "grow up," while other kids got to be, well... kids.
They got called mature for their age as if it was a compliment. When they weren't, they got insulted, degraded... As if it were a bad thing for a kid to act like a kid.
As time went on, they didn't notice how it was affecting them. The subconscious tension in their shoulders, the aggression they had to hold back because dammit, why were they so mad all the time... Throughout the years, this got worse, but they had to act like it was better.
There were days that it all came bubbling over and they had to break down in silence, in fear of getting it thrown back into their face that they "weren't a kid anymore." They hated those days.
When they got into college, they thought it'd get better. Maybe more people that they'd feel safe with, someone to talk to that would understand what they were going through...
The nights where they'd lock themself in their room to cry and throw plushies or pillows against the wall started up again. The nights of hugging their favourite one, curled up on top of their bed, having to hold their breath to not be too loud with the paper thin walls.
When they met him, things felt different.
They had to tell themself not to let that side show. The risk of judgement wasn't worth the trouble. They held it back, the mental storm drowning their mind... And he was always none the wiser.
Even after getting an apartment together, graduating college, living together for years... They still couldn't bring themself to show that side. They were embarrassed about it, it was a weakness that they never wanted him to know about.
They really thought they could keep dealing with it alone.
The day had felt like every second was more like an hour.
It trudged on for too long, to the point that there was no way that only five minutes had passed, that it felt like they were nearing the end of their shift.
Mounds of work, no energy to do any of it... But having to push through to get the paycheck.
What didn't help was a constant, faint headache that refused to go away. No matter how many pain meds they took, no matter how much water they sipped, no matter how low their brightness was, it never went away.
By the time they did get to leave, it had felt like it had been the entire day and then some. They just wanted to go home...
The urge to cry was back. That familiar sting in the back of their eyes, the feeling like a faucet threatening to drip again after being "fixed."
The journey home felt numb. They hardly remembered half of it, their body was on autopilot with the turns and roads to the apartment complex.
They felt dazed on the trek to the door, didn't even feel the weight of their keys in their hand when they got it unlocked and got inside.
They heard his words, but it sounded like their head was underwater. The vibrations of the words were there, but not clear enough for it to register.
Their eyes stayed glued to the floor as they got their stuff put away. As if they were programmed, they walked right past him and shut the bedroom door behind them.
They couldn't stop it before it happened.
They grabbed one of their favourite blankets and wrapped it around themself to sink to the floor in the tightest corner of the room. Their hands pulled the "hood" of the blanket over their head enough to fully cover themself, their arms hugging around their drawn up legs against their chest.
The tears came down hot over their cheeks, their shoulders shaking... Breaths hitching... They couldn't even hold it back before they broke.
They didn't want him to see them like this.
The only thing was, he had caught the signs before. He never wanted to upset or embarrass them mentioning it so he just... kept quiet.
When his partner got home, Guy laid back on the couch to look over at the door upside down. "Hey, honey~ How was it today? Any... better...?"
His words trailed off when they practically ignored him as they got their shoes off and their bag set down.
He could feel the frustration radiating off of them as they walked right past him to the bedroom and immediately shut the door behind them.
He couldn't hear them doing anything, it was just silent in the other room.
He didn't hesitate to get up, taking it slow to not startle them. He peeked into the room, trying to find them in the dark. He couldn't see them, until he noticed slight movement in the corner, heard the quiet sniffles...
"Honey?" He stepped in, keeping the light off. "Baby, what happened? Are you okay?" His voice was soft as he sat down near them, close enough to give the presence, but not overwhelm.
They didn't answer. Curled into their little cocoon, they had their head against the wall and their body curled up. It looked uncomfortable, there was no way that they were okay laying like that.
"Do you... wanna lay down?"
They looked over at him. They didn't say anything, but he knew the answer.
"Want me to move you or no touch?"
Their teary eyes softened, their arms reaching out from their cocoon, even with the little grabby hands.
He knew them well, "Yeah, just had to check," he lightly snickered, hooking his arms under the crook of their legs and the back of their neck to hoist them up into his arms.
He pressed a soft kiss to their temple as he carried them over, setting them down all wrapped up and situating himself next to them. "Not a talking day?"
They shook their head, burying against his neck.
"Hey, that's okay," he held around their little blanket burrito, "we can just stay here."
They needed this. It was obvious enough. There's too many times to count that he's seen them teetering on the edge but trying to pull themself together. Like keeping a crumbling building held together by fraying sewing thread...
"Was it today specifically," he asked softly, "or just... everything crashing together?"
They held out a two with their fingers, the little system the two figured out when they couldn't get the energy to talk. Worked like a charm, actually.
"Work or everything combined?"
They kept their two held out.
"Was it a few days that broke or longer?"
They hesitated, thinking. Maybe they didn't entirely know. Either way, his heart ached for them.
"And I take it you wanted to hold strong to not worry me again, hm?"
That when they ducked back under the sanctuary of their blanket. Yep... He figured.
"Hey," he gently pulled the hood from them. "Lemme see that cute face of yours, c'mon."
Their lower lip pushed up as they narrowed their eyes at him.
"I know, I know," he couldn't help but chuckle, "you don't feel like you're cute at the moment but trust me, honey," he leaned down to press a kiss to the top of their head, "you're always cute. No matter what."
They looked like they didn't fully believe him, but were too tired to care too much.
He pulled them up enough to be closer to him, his chin propped against the top of their head so they could hide. "You put too much on yourself, baby..."
He sighed, staring out at the wall on the other side of the room, the one with the shelf with all of their little trinkets and knickknacks.
"I know it's hard to... not do that, but you've gotta pace yourself. And if someone isn't letting you, that's their problem, not yours. You're not doing anything wrong..."
Their voice was quiet, meek, he hardly even recognized as theirs, "'Not work related..."
That got a nod and a soft, affirming hum as they nuzzled deeper into the feeling of him.
He's heard a few things about their upbringing. They don't talk about it much, but he's heard enough to make a few assumptions.
"That's the difference between us, baby," he mumbled quietly. "I keep getting told to grow up... But you grew up too fast... you weren't able to feel like a kid..."
He knew he hit it right on the nail when their body curled into his, their head lowering against his chest.
"Sometimes..." He didn't know how to word it, it was more feeling it than being able to explain it. "Sometimes that's all we need to do, y'know?
"That all we need to do is just... let the brain turn back a bit... Let it relax... It doesn't matter if it feels childish, that's just the point... Let yourself feel safe... There's nothing wrong with that.
"It's the same thing with feeling relief after crying, after getting a nap, hell even a snack can help...
"Just... Being a kid, even for a few hours... It can help more than some people want to understand..."
They lifted their head to look up at him. Their eyes, now without the tears streaming down, darted between his, then nodded to say that's what they needed.
The smile alone that earned was enough to know that they were going to be okay, it would just take some time. The same sappy look he got when the two were completely in private... The one only he gets to see, and he felt honored every time.
"That's my honey," he smiled as he brushed the remnants of the tears from their cheeks with his thumbs, kissing them softly. He pulled them up, blanket burrito and all, up in his lap.
They buried into the crook of his neck, their eyes closing. Feeling them sink into him, the tension leaving their body as they melted.
He situated to lay back, keeping them on top of him. "Better, baby?" He figured he knew the answer, still had to ask.
Just to feel that sleepy nod against his shoulder as they tried to fight it.
"You've earned this, honey," he pecked their cheek, "just let it happen."
Their shoulders relaxed, their head dropped against him, they were clearly losing the battle.
"Sleep is not for the weak, baby," he mused, "you're already looking like a cute little turtle right now, just give innnn~ let it happennnn~"
They shook their head, but he could tell they were smiling.
"You're practically asleep as it is."
"Uh huh, sure," he snickered as he kissed over them again, "just a sleeby lil' honeyyyy~"
They mumbled a quiet noise, shaking their head and nuzzling into him.
"Yeah, definitely a sleepy honey~"
They huffed that same tired noise, a mix of a whine and a mumbled attempt of a complaint without the words working.
But he knew how to turn their brain off.
Their favourite blanket over him...
And their body laying on his...
And once the scene was set, the fight got harder and harder.
Time for the piece de resistance...
He softly hummed a random tune, his hand rubbing over their back.
The sleep seemed to win. Their breaths evened out, their body slowly went limp... Their eyes closed with their head on his chest. There they go...
With a soft kiss on their temple with a soft murmur against their head.
