WE ALL FALL DOWN

He listened Asher’s words and eventually nodded softly. It was good that Asher did remember what Jensen had done for him and how often he had saved his life, especially on the times in Tulgey. Asher really had been lucky that Jensen knew the forest so well and the creatures that lived in there. Tulgey was a dangerous place for those who didn’t know much about it. “Good to know.” Probably not the exact response Asher probably would have wanted to hear, but Jensen didn’t quite know what else to say right now.

Ashe nodded, unsure of how else to respond. He couldn’t tell if Jensen was still angry at him or not, far from asking to confirm either way. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, shifting his weight between his feet. 

“Well, I should probably get back to work...” He took a step backwards.

“I’d fuck Odin and then come to the realization that I’m too young and unstable to settle down. Then I’d fuck Odin again and come to the realization that I’m too pretty to risk going to prison for anyone. And after all of this fucking and soul-searching I’d probably take a nap. 

Also fuck you for asking about Paige and Lily like this.”

asher-cooke

“That’s probably my fault ‘cause I fucked her twice,” he admitted with a laugh, not ashamed to admit any of his asshole moves. 

“Okay, well- I feel like you’re a walking disclaimer anyway but I probably just know too much.”

He sighed and sat down on chair that was near by. “We tried to help but you didn’t want any help.” Jensen really wasn’t going to take any kind of guilt for not helping Asher more because he had done so much for the other, he had saved his life multiple times, so he really wasn’t going to take any kind of guilt trip about not helping him more.

“Yeah...” Ashe wasn’t sure what to take from the frown on Jensen’s face in response to him running the bakery. As far as he was concerned the bakery had saved his life. Ashe wasn’t sure how much longer he could have made it if he hadn’t found a purpose in that place. 

He watched as Jensen sat down, cringing a little as he spoke. “I didn’t know what was going on. Half the time I thought- I hadn’t made it out of Tulgey in my mind yet. I know that I owe you my life. You can’t think that I don’t appreciate that, Jensen. I don’t blame you for anything. I wouldn’t even be here if you hadn’t gotten me out of there.”

Maybe Asher didn’t want to hear any of it, but Jensen just had to get it out of him because he didn’t want to hear any kind of blames later. He had only done what he had felt right for himself. After all, his whole life he had done what others asked him to do or what they wanted him to do so when he finally found a reason to be selfish, to finally think of himself too and think what he wanted he was going to keep a hold of those few things.

The first few sentences of Asher didn’t really sound that good, like there was something off and he didn’t really mean what he said, but Jensen decided to ignore that and just listen what else the man had to say. The miss you -part caused Jensen to glance down to the floor before he looked back to Asher. He knew he had missed Asher as well, but he had never allowed himself to miss him. Things had gotten so complicated and Jensen had gotten so angry. But it seemed like Asher was trying to fix things – fix himself. “But you are getting better?”

Ashe nodded, relieved that Jensen had stopped telling him about how happy Paige made him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want them to be happy- he was just still struggling to process the fact that they were even together.

“I am, yeah. I run the bakery. I haven’t had a- Things aren’t so mixed up anymore. I just wish that I could have gotten help before I messed things up so badly. I never meant to push you guys away. You’ve always been like a brother to me, and I’m sorry that I messed that up.”

Jensen wanted to stay angry, he wanted to keep on yelling at Asher, but to know that Asher was still alive, that he actually was there, and he really looked like he felt bad for everything.. Jensen’s heart had gotten soft. This if anything proved that.

His gaze lowered and he let out a heavy sigh again. “You still did hurt us”, he said with a lot calmer tone. “But honestly, I really was going to keep that promise about Paige. I really wasn’t going to fall for her.” Somehow Jensen really felt like he needed to explain this because he never made a promise he  couldn’t keep. But he had broke a promise to someone who once had meant a lot to him. “But time went by, we spent a lot of time together and then we just.. the feelings just came there. And she makes me happy. There’s finally someone who makes me happy. So I can’t apologise that. And I won’t apologise that. I love her and I want to be with her for many years to come. For once in my life I’m thinking only myself and being selfish and she is that selfishness of mine. I want to be there for her because I need her as well. With her I don’t have to pretend to be something else than I truly am. I don’t have to wear any masks and I can show her my feelings no matter how good or bad they are. And she understands them. I know it must feel bad for you that this happened, but I really can’t apologise this.”

Ashe felt sick as Jensen kept talking. He resorted to kind of staring at the door behind Jensen, unable to look him in the eye anymore. He didn’t still have feelings for Paige- not in the way that he used to. It still hurt hearing Jensen go on and on about how he wasn’t sorry for breaking that promise though. Ashe didn’t feel that he deserved for Jensen to keep that stupid promise but it still hurt having the details of it rubbed in his face. 

He reached up to rub the back of his neck, nodding as his gaze fell even further towards the floor. “Good. I’m happy for you guys.” The words felt forced even as he tried to make them sound easy. “I don’t want you to apologize. I’m glad you both found something.” He shook his head, looking up at Jensen again finally. “I miss you, man. And I was wrong to ever ask you to promise that in the first place. I don’t know- my head was all messed up after Tulgey. I couldn’t tell up from down. I don’t know why you guys put up with me as long as you did. I’m not- I get why you sent me away. I’m just trying to build a new life here, is all. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Jensen took a deep breath, closed his eyes and tried to calm his temper down. It really wasn’t who he was, but time to time things really just piled inside of him and them with a sudden outburst came out at once. After all, it had been four years of Jensen holding all that stuff inside and now that Asher suddenly was there sounding like everything was alright everything just came out.

He huffed and crossed his arms over his chest as he opened his eyes and looked at Asher again. “My problem is the fact I saved your ass multiple times, I tried to save you from your own madness but you pushed me away. You were like a brother to me. And then just disappeared. Back in the day you were pretty much the only one who got me to talk more in general. You were the only one I even talked to back then. So think this all from my side for a bit. My best friend turned his back on me and disappeared. And now, after four years, he’s back all of a sudden, acting like it’s completely normal to find him lying on a random couch, and no one had told anything that he even is back in the Woodland. I thought you’ve died.” Another huff. “I’m angry at you, I probably am going to be angry at you, I’m probably not going to forgive easily all the shit you put me through, and no, we can’t rewind time and just think we are friends again just like that since we aren’t. And if you want back to our lives you have to earn it. And if you think I’m being hard on you, I bet Paige has few words to say to you too  because you pretty much broke her. We both tried to help you, we tried to save you. But you didn’t want help from either of us. Not from your best friend or the girl you loved. You rather ran to the mountain leaving her behind to cry because of you. And right now it would be better if you’d stay away from her. She has enough shit to deal with at the moment for you to appear into her life as well. So if you want to solve things, solve them with me.”

Ashe wanted to tell Jensen that he couldn’t remember everything that had happened. That he had been sick- that he didn’t know what he was doing at the time. He was afraid that it would all sound like excuses though, not wanting Jensen to think that he was trying to get off easy. 

He shook his head, letting things wash over him. He wished that he could go back and change things but Jensen was right. He couldn’t.

“I wasn’t trying to approach her. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you guys. i don’t even- I don’t know if we can solve things. She wants me dead and you’re angry.  I can’t change what happened, but I never meant for any of that to happen. I’ve been- I’m getting better but I know that doesn’t change what happened. I’m sorry. I didn’t want any of that to happen.”

“I didn’t like her. She was annoying as hell. But since you got mad, you burned all the bridges, you broke her, you made me angry and pretty much you ended our friendship, and you disappeared for years. It has been four years, Asher. Four fucking years. Did you think time will stay still while you are hiding behind a tree?” Jensen huffed out of frustration. “Things change, people grow. We spent a lot of time together, she got a crush on me, eventually I got a crush on her and now we’ve been dating few years. Life moves on. I didn’t plan this, I didn’t plan any of this, things just happened. And I’m happy with her. I know I said once I won’t touch her, but when you turned your back on me the one last time and cut me out of your life you stopped existing to me. So eventually whatever I’ve told you before means nothing anymore.” Okay, that came out a bit wrong, but Asher really had been Jensen’s best friend back in the day and then he just had turned his back on him and now that Asher was back there pretending everything was fine Jensen just had gotten enough of all that. So he just poured all possible things out of his system, no matter how they might sound like.

Ashe stared at Jensen as he went on for what felt like a lifetime. Ashe hadn’t expected life to stop without him. He had assumed they would have all moved on- which is exactly why the amount of anger from first Paige and now Jensen caught him by surprise. He hadn’t expected them to come at him with so much anger over what had happened. He wasn’t even sure what had happened- making it even more difficult for him to accept and understand. His memories of the time were disoriented and fragmented, his stomach twisting as he wondered what he had missed. He was left to assume the worst.

He looked away as Jensen said that he had stopped existing to him. Ashe had figured as much by now since they had zero contact between them. Paige had wished him dead to his face so why should he have expected anything different from Jensen? Especially since those two were apparently a thing now.

“I’m sorry, Jensen. I’m not- I didn’t expect...” Something Jensen had said came back to him, his temper flaring finally as he looked back at the other. “I’m not hiding out here. This is where I live. My life didn’t stop either. I’m trying to get better. I have gotten better. Why the fuck would you bother to yell in my face if I’m just dead to you anyway? What’s your problem?”

Jensen really wasn’t sure should he just turn around and leave, but since he used so much time deciding it Asher already noticed him. There was no point of turning around now. So Jensen stayed, just looking at Asher without any kind of expression his face.

“Asher”, he replied to his own name. His brow raised slightly when Asher started to ask what Jensen was doing there – the question was idiotic and Jensen wasn’t even going to reply in it. “I’m okay”, he commented on the latter. And then he went quiet. Most likely he shouldn’t say what he was about to say, but somehow making Asher angry felt like a perfect idea right now because Jensen was still annoyed by everything he had gone through trying to save Asher’s ass and then he just got shit in return. “Dating Paige.”

Ashe stared blankly at Jensen, struggling to accept that he’d heard him correctly. There was no mistaking his meaning but he didn’t want to believe that Jensen would show up like this just to tell him that. He wasn’t even sure what he was feeling. Was he mad at Jensen? Or Paige? Could he really fault either of them after everything that had happened? It just didn’t make sense to him.

“But... why? You don’t even like her.”

Fuck Odin. Marry Fianna. Kill myself in Lily’s place.

“This was fun.”

“That’s usually what bakers do, yes.” She smirked. “Would you believe me if I said I was a pirate?” She could always say she was joking later… after all- she was a pixie too and they didn’t like the ocean.

“I... want to believe you. Does that count?”