the most incredible thing
So the most incredible thing happened to me today; I just came back from school and I absolutely want to write it down.
But first, a little bit of context.
The past few weeks, I have been totally one-track minded and focused on efficiency and getting things done and just making it through the day and barrelling through people.  It almost became a perpetual apathy, I didn’t care about anything or anyone, and I felt tired no matter how much sleep I got, not energetic, not myself.  I started this negative train of thought towards people around me that just kept going and going and even if I stopped it once, it’d appear again.  If you know me at all, you’d know that I love people, I love human beings, I love being around others, I love meeting people, I’m always smiling.  Ashu and Satya sometimes called me over and asked, “Is something wrong?”
I always answered, “No,” because I didn’t realize that something was wrong for a specific reason - I thought I was just tired.
The past week, I became disgusted with myself because I had to think about smiling before I smiled.  That was...weird.  Not me.  I had to think about saying “thank you” or “sorry” or “please” or “God bless you” before saying it.  That’s not me, but because I couldn’t figure out a reason why, I thought, “Am I really so weak as to let my tiredness get to me to this extent?”  I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t try to do anything because I didn’t know what was wrong, and sometimes, I didn’t even know anything was wrong.
And then, Tuesday happened. Â The most incredible thing.
So I do the pledge on announcements, I’m talking to James, he’s talking to me, we’re friends, and this probably started the whole thing because for some reason that day, I had a super-negative outlook and earlier, I’d said something and he hadn’t been super-responsive so up until that point, I’d thought that maybe I’d done something wrong - I was very self-centered during that day, didn’t think about people’s other reasons like “James was in the play last night he’s probably tired” but anyway, when he spoke to me, I was relieved.  That was the first thing - then, it jump-started what I did next, which was join my friends in their after school sitting-on-the-floor club.
Now, more context.  For the past few weeks, on top of me feeling strange for some reason, some of my friends were also feeling incredibly down, people were being mean to each other, losing their tempers, feeling sad and lonely, ignoring each other, and I was somewhere in the middle of all this, apart of it, but not?  Everyone had really angry, dark auras and I found that I had fewer and fewer people to talk to because it felt like everyone was that way.  That sort of sentiment existed within me.  A friend wasn’t talking to me, another friend just seemed so upset or angry or irritable that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him, and a friend that’s usually the happy, tolerating one was bitter, sad, and what upset me was that normally, none of those were that way.  For some reason, they’d been that way, with the tension rising, for the past couple weeks, and I’d been avoiding talking to some of them because their auras discouraged me, the feeling that they gave off discouraged me.
But for the first time in weeks, I sat down with them.
Quietly, or loudly, eating my sandwich, I talked to them.  I called the friend that I thought was ignoring me out and we got that settled and now we’re friends again, I think?  I talked to the other friend and he said he was fine and he was himself for the few minutes I talked to him.  And finally, the one thing that started me off on this ridiculous, wonderful, incredible thing was I waved to someone that I had never spoken to before and they waved back and that was when it hit me, it hit me, y’know?  I am surrounded by kind people.  His smile was one of the most beautiful things for me to see, in the middle of that disgusting apathy.  It reminded me of why I love human beings in the first place, because of all their sides - even if those sides are flaws - and their laughs and smiles and bringing them back up when they’ve fallen.  It reminded me of everything that I felt.  That I had to feel, because I loved.  It hit me.  I have many friends.  Even though some of my friends might be tense or in pain right now, I’ve met enough human beings to know that in the end, it will be alright.  Hope flooded back, feelings flooded back.  This person, this person’s smile, the fact that they waved even if they don’t really know me.  And then, people kept coming down that hallway after Golam and all of them made me feel even more incredible things and all this thankfulness and immense appreciation for these individuals that I get to exist beside of, wow.  Like Mursaleen comes over and I’m waving frantically, but I’m not waving him over, but he comes over anyway like I’m gonna talk to him about some student council business or something serious and oh my goodness, that’s hilarious and amazing and he’s got this small smile he gives me and I love it.  And then, I see my locker buddy Alexandra and the girl with the pretty name Evelyn and Toma and I wave to them and they wave back and I think, “Oh my God, I’m so thankful to be surrounded by all these kind people.”  And it’s just waving and smiling, that’s all they did, but suddenly, as I’m telling my circle of friends this story that day, “Oh I waved to Golam and he waved back even if he doesn’t know me” I started crying because I was so happy. Â
I guess even if I didn’t recognize it, because everyone else seemed to be in their own bubble with their own worries, I was lonely.  And those people reminded me that I’m not alone and I’m surrounded by friends and cute people I can talk to.
And for the first time in three weeks, I laughed out loud and I couldn’t stop laughing and I was crying at the same time, I cried for the full thirty minutes until Full Orchestra started and in the middle, I’d stop crying and then I’d wave to another person and they’d wave back and they’d smile at me as if they’re amused and just - knowing that I get to exist with other people - it sounds basic, but it made me start crying from  happiness all over again.
It was all three weeks of enthusiasm, happiness, and laughter and it was all coming out at once and Kelly and Shahin know this because they were walking with me all five times that I went around the building.  Or maybe it was more, but they were with me and every time I started crying after someone waved back, like Taleed who asked for what time it was or something, Kelly was like, “Oh my goodness, Ash, no one hates you.  Everyone’s not walking around with a Reject-Ash button!”  And no, that’s not it, I’m not sad and I wasn’t waiting to be rejected, but I guess I was, a little, and no one did.  No one rejected me.  Everyone accepted me and they were kind and that made me happy.
I finally sneezed away my feelings to a less extreme amount right before Full Orchestra when I had to play my French horn BUT I cried and cried and cried from happiness all that time.  I felt like a dam had opened up and all these facial expressions that I’d unknowingly held back these weeks were all coming out at once and it was wonderful. Â
All of this, from people waving.
All of this, from people being kind, even if it is shown in a small way.  You think that the small things don’t matter, but they do.  Oh, and Golam, this was the weird thing that I told you I told Giulia.  This story of how I said hi to you and I started crying.  It’s much bigger than that, but at the same time, it’s that simple.  I’m so thankful that I can feel again, that I can smile at strangers, laugh with abandon.
I’ve never felt so happy as when I was walking through these halls thinking that I was surrounded by love and acceptance.  I know that some of you are going through tough times right now, but I promise, it gets better.  You’re going to be better.  And the only reason I can say that is because I’m better, else I wouldn’t be able to encourage anyone.
Thank you, to all those who waved.
titsay
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind