#ashforhumanity

so I went back and read through all my old posts today and was tempted to change things because there were things I didn’t agree with anymore or things that didn’t upset me anymore but I stopped myself because

this is me, raw and uncensored

shouldn’t I be allowed to exist that way?

and more than that, because

this shows my growth.  I go back, I read, I reconnect with old struggles and when I don’t find myself facing those same problems today, it means I’ve grown, I’ve evolved, I’M BETTER THAN HOW I WAS BEFORE. In the way I think, I write, what I deem is important, all of that.

Remember growth is important and therefore, I won’t change a thing.

I’m thinking about my insides right now, how dark or white I make them seem to myself, how they really are, and whether there’s anything there besides guts and things I’d rather not dissect.

/takes a deep breath

It is snowing outside, the very first snow of the season.  I’m satisfied.  Usually, it comes early and we all think, “BUT IT’S AUGUST” or “BUT IT’S SEPTEMBER” or “BUT IT’S OCTOBER” but this year, it came at the right time, the time we’d expect, the time that gives us a big enough slice of fall that I feel good when it comes, like I am welcoming an old friend that I have not seen in a while and I am glad. November 21st.  Around a month before Christmas.  PERFECT.  Thank you, God, for the poetry in it.

My insides...

I woke up and when I saw the beautiful scene, saw it actively snowing, thought utsukushii, I moved the plants next to the window and made space for myself.  I still haven’t forgot that lesson I learned.  #spacemaker, amirite?

My insides are what tell me these things.  Does it seem whimsical?  That I would roll out of bed and act on the first thing I see?  Follow my feelings to a tee?  Seriously channel the magic and FOLLOW MY HEART?  To me, that’s complete freedom.  I mean, I’ve been thinking about meditating anyway because of what happened yesterday (cried two times and was near tears a third time, all in the span of one day) and how this past week, my emotions have been everywhere - great and then, lower than low.  I rather love my insides though.  The way of thinking, unhesitant (Spell Check tells me that’s not a word -- what does Spell Check know?), unquestioning, pure, intense, fireworking, that I have developed over the past seventeen years...

I love it.

I love me.

I love how I am.

I love the way I exist.

When it is not snowing, I forget, though.  That is, all the things I love about myself.

I feel like a lot of people do.  What can we do to remind ourselves of the things that matter?  The things we love, the lessons we have learned over and over?  That we are creating problems for ourselves by worrying too much and putting ourselves down or thinking too hard about something small or drawing things to be disappointed about from the warm summer air forgetting that it is summer or, that there is no sense picking ifs and buts from the future because the future has not been decided yet.

If I cry a lot, Mom says it’s bad for my sinuses, that it’ll freeze everything up in the future, that it’ll hurt me.  I don’t want to go through that.  I have to cry less.  Not all the reasons I cry for are good reasons to cry, which frustrates me because my tears are valuable.  That’s what I choose to believe.  In order to cry less, I have to remember that MUSIC MAKES ME HAPPY and which music makes me happy and that GOD IS WITH ME and when I am sad, I must talk to Him and remember I am not alone.  I have to remember that I love myself, that there are people who love me, I have to remember my family, I have to remember THE REST of my friends, that I love adventure, that even if I don’t know of the future, IT WILL BE OKAY, NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE IN MY CONTROL, that THIS IS WHAT MAKES LIFE FUN, that there is no sense in worrying of the future, that there is no sense worrying about that which you cannot control, that I should leave all that to God, that people cannot read my mind, that sometimes, I need to tell people I need a hug when I need it.  That I have been raised right.  That if I am thoughtful and someone else isn’t in the way I want, that is NO reason to cry.

I have to remember what I am thankful for, all the things I have to be thankful for, I have to remember the snow, what is right, what is good, I have to remember that which makes me smile.

So, what is my next frontier?  The flaw I must overcome before 2016?

I have to learn how to drive in the snow.

~ Thanks for existing,

tfw you finally figure out that the reason your music player wasn’t working was because you were being lazy

but I’m REALLY happy - I was sad before - now that I have it working. it’s not the reason I was sad but... I came online thinking, “I NEED TO WRITE I’M BREAKING DOWN” and as I was manually editing the playlist, I calmed down and the music lifted my spirit and I’m really happy now.  I’M READY TO ROCK MY MATH TEST TOMORROW, that’s what’s up!

Also, I found a message my friend sent me a while ago and it made me happy, reminded me I wasn’t alone.

Not stressed yet. Have I told you this was meant to be a stress-relief blog?  Well, it is.  School year’s back and kicking.  Math internal assessment, extended essay, college apps, and scholarship forms.  I can do this.