"Who were you going to say?!"

due to inflation you must answer my riddles five

due to budget cuts i will grant you two wishes

due to recent layoffs there is only one of me and I lie 50% of the time

old people were right putting ellipses after everything you say actually rules….

Best parts of Star Wars are when an alien or a robot or something makes a couple random noises and a person is very genuinely like “yes that’s it exactly thank you”

*finishes a roll of wrapping paper* oh shit free weapon

*bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bo

you are literally not a better more moral person for pretending you never get angry and you never get mean

I like to call my chickens “beasties” or “fat little monster trucks” and other such affectionate terms, but dad seems to take offence whenever I do and always gently refers to them as “the girls,” “the ladies” and sometimes “the dames” when he’s putting them away, like he’s a butler shepherding a group of well-bred country lasses into the parlour for tea 

this post evokes such a pleasing mental image that my depression was completely cured for 5 and a half minutes