getting ready for aro awareness week...
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@aroantics-deactivated
getting ready for aro awareness week...
(yes they all have different fonts. i'm not good at this.)

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god itâs so sad living in an allocentric world. There are so many relationships that are so complex and nuanced that are all put under the label of âromanticâ and immediately all the intrigue is taken from it. Like donât you realize that these relations are actually ENHANCED by the fact that they are not romantic or sexual?
NOOO DONT PUT THE CHARACTERS IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP YOURE TAKING OFF THE SEASONING!!!!
Protect him
I can't stand the idea of having to hold back love or care less. It bothers me because I shouldn't ever feel like that when my natural state is to love fully and care deeply without limits.
I just think dating is a scam like 90% of the time. Joker voice And I'm tired of pretending it's not
I can buy the concept of romance existing but the social song and dance of Dating specifically is so, like. Ok. So we're all just expected to walk around performing desirability & having coffee with people you find mildly interesting & Hopefully you will Feel Something for one of them. & if you keep it up long enough you can get legally bound and financially dependent on each other and have kids or something, not because you want them but because you're so fucking normal. This is supposed to be your #1 priority in life btw. Are you insane?
And people will be like "you'll never be happy if you don't successfully have coffee with someone you think is mildly interesting, it's so sad that you're not having coffee with someone you think is mildly interesting" & I'm sitting here like I don't think that's true actually I think I'm doing pretty good. I have other things fulfilling my admittedly lower than average need for human connection, like friends

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the mspec to aspec pipeline is real and it happened to me
[ID: a collection of m-spec flags (including bi, pan, poly, omni, and multisexual) at one end of a pipeline with a collection of a-spec flags (including aro, ace, greyace, greyaro, demi, demiro, and aroace) at the other end. end ID]
really love dynamics that are like 'it honestly doesn't matter if you view them as romantic or platonic, the point is that they love each other. the type of love is inconsequential, all that matters is that it's there'. gotta be one of my favorite genders.
The bisexual to aroace pipeline is pretty much having the right idea and coming to the wrong conclusion. Yeah buddy you're not straight and you're also not gay. No not like that though, the other way around
âI feel the same way about everyoneâ
Yeah you do. Because you donât.
Aroace to bisexual pipeline here. Same but also opposite
So much solidarity đ¤
âDo you like girls or boys?â
âI donât know???â
Honestly everyone give it up for repulsed aces/aros. Yall get so much shit for having boundaries and its frustrating to watch. You're all getting sent complimentary gift baskets
having a ponder about being aromantic and the kinds of friendships or qprs I might want to have

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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol âď¸ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one
love really DOES feel like an inside joke that everyone is in on but me
honestly my advice for people questioning if they're aro is kind of the same as my advice for people questioning if they're trans which is do less worrying about whether or not you inherently fall into this arbitrary category and do more considering what you want in and from your life. like ultimately deconstructing societal ideals of what relationships (or gender) should be like and figuring out what you want them to look like in your life is what matters and whether or not you experience romantic attraction is kind of immaterial
#yeah exactly #there isn't like a secret aromantic switch hidden inside you that's flipped on or off #it's a just a word people apply to a wide range of experiences and wants and it's up to you whether it fits you or not #(ditto to literally every other gender and sexuality label) #I ID as aro because 90% of the time I have no interest in dating anyone even though I sometimes have crushes #lots of people ID as aro for the exact opposite reason #you can do whatever you want there's no queer identity bureau of queer identity cops (tags via @ontologicalsynaesthesia)
This exactly. I ended up feeling SO much better about myself and so much less stressed when I stopped interrogating every feeling, stopped going "is this attraction? Is this a crush? what kind of attraction is this? is this Real Attraction Or Not" and let myself live and define myself by what I wanted, what made me feel happy and right. Figuring out what kinds of relationships I wanted and what I didn't want.
I just read this super sad post about this girl whoâs asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesnât deserve her husband/sheâs just a prude/she should just do it anyway. So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you youâll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT. My husband is asexual and Iâm not. Heâs sex repulsed, we donât have sex, we never have. And it doesnât matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and heâs one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people Iâve ever met. And heâs had people tel him that heâs broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG. Being different doesnt mean youâre broken. If you donât like sex/donât want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that youâre inferior because youâre not. Do not let anyone convice you that youâll never have a relationship because theyâre wrong(if you want one). You are not broken, and it will be okay.
This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there
#itâs really reassuring to hear from the partner #the one whoâs not ace #but is totally cool with having no sex #loves her husband anyway #is in a stable and happy relationship #itâs such a relief when you discover that asexuality is a thing #that youâre okay #but then you start to wonder if it means your only chance at not ending up alone is finding someone else whoâs also ace #but no #turns out itâs not #thatâs really good to hear #so #thanks #so ace #so space
I hope you donât mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY
Iâm always a little nervous that Iâm not âgood enoughâ for a âreal relationshipâ because sex isnât on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring
The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. Weâre told itâs linked to relationship health and if youâre not willing to do every damn thing youâre labeled a prude. Itâs incredibly disheartening, especially considering how oneâs libido can change over the years even if youâre not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.
OK, kids, buckle up itâs story time.
When I got married, I hadnât had sex yet. Â Waiting until marriage was important to me, so thatâs what I did. Â My wedding night was the first time I had sex.
It sucked.
I figured, ok, this is new for both of us, itâs probably going to take some practice.
A year later?  It still sucked  We tried a lot of different stuff.  A lot  of different stuff. It sucked so bad, we even bought a copy of âSex for Dummiesâ.
(it didnât help)
I started working late so I didnât go to bed at the same time as my husband. Â Every time he would travel for work, Iâd be grateful that I didnât have to go through the awkwardness of avoiding his advances when I went to bed.
He didnât think it was healthy for a newlywed couple to have sex less than once a week. Â So we scheduled it. Â Repeat, scheduled intimacy. Â I thought I was putting on a brave face and doing what I needed to do to maintain a good relationship.
Because I had no idea that asexuality was a thing.
I talked to my husband, told him I didnât like sex. Â He didnât understand. Â I lost track of how many times I said:Â âItâs not that I donât want to have sex with you. Â I donât want to have sex with anyone.â
So it was established, Amber doesnât like sex.
But we still did it. Â Because I wanted my husband to be happy. Â Sometimes halfway through, Iâd start crying.
And heâd always be supportive, and apologize.
After he finished.
So when I found out about asexuality, and told him how I felt, he suggested I go to a doctor. Â Because obviously there was something wrong with me.
So I went to a doctor.
(surprise, surprise, Iâm perfectly healthy)
Then I told my mom. Â When she suggested meds to improve my sex drive, I broke down in tears. Â I told her there was nothing wrong with me. Â And my mom has been 100% supportive of my orientation ever since. Â When people ask if Iâm a lesbian, she teaches them about asexuality. Â
But anyway back to my journey of self-discovery
So I tell my husband, Iâm asexual, I donât want to have sex.  You are not asexual, you do want to have sex.  One of us is going to be miserable in this relationship, and Iâm tired of it being me.  I love you too much to make you miserable for the rest of your life, but I love myself too much to be miserable for the rest of my life.  We might have to face the fact that weâre not right for each other.
So his immediate response is âno, I can change, Iâll do anything, divorce is not an option, etcâ
But I canât exactly ask him to stop wanting to have sex. Â Because thatâs not how allosexual people work. Â And he canât seduce me into wanting to have sex, because thatâs not how asexual people work.
Anyway. Â He cries, I cry, we decide on marriage counseling to help our comunication.
Because weâd been married for almost 6 years by this point, and had been together for 3 years before that, and we still canât really talk about what we want (or donât want) in regards to sex.
So we go to counselling for 6 weeks. Â The first 3 sessions individually, and the last 3 together. Â During the together sessions, the therapist would prompt us with a question, and weâd talk to each other, being completely honest about things.
During (what turned out to be) our last session, Iâd finally had enough. Â Iâd had enough of being embarrassed about what anyone else would think. Â Enough of the gender roles I was being forced into. Â Enough of paying someone to watch me talk to my husband. Â Enough of pretending to salvage a relationship that I had been increasingly avoiding over the past 2 years, and I said:
âJosh, I love you. Â We have communication problems, but weâve been together almost ten years and Iâm willing to work through those if you think we can make it work. Â But I am never having sex with you again.â
(At this point, the therapist whoâd been trying to get us to communicate put down her notebook and said, ok I think weâre done.)
Then and only then, did he agree to file for divorce.
ââââââ
I say all that to say this:
Donât you dare fucking tell me that asexual representation doesnât matter.  I would have six years of my life back if I had known.
And if youâre in a relationship, talk to each other oh my God. Â About everything. Â What dream you had last night. Â That song from scout camp that randomly gets stuck in your head. Â The reason you donât like sweet potato. Â That embarrassing thing you did in third grade that still makes you mad when you think about it. Â If you and your partner can share these tiny, intimate details, talking about sex is no big deal. Â And it takes practice, so practice.
âââââ
On a happy note, now, 3 years after the divorce, I am in a happy, stable relationship with another ace.  And if you happen to ask my mom how Iâm doing, sheâll tell you âIâve never seen my baby girl happier.â
It gets better. Â But itâs up to you to make it that way.
@theonetheonlyjordanelizabeth please read this â¤ď¸ I may be sex repulsed but I know that I love you and thats what matters â¨
I know this is already really long and really informative, but I also wanted to add a partnerâs perspective. I too, have an ace fiancee. I knew about it before our relationship. I didnât know it was a thing until I met her, and that was huge to me because I learned something new and also came to understand an old friend a little better. I, on the other hand, am not ace. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am pansexual, and she has a hard time I think coming to terms with the fact that I donât want to make her have sex. Like, âReally?â you might ask me. Like really is my only reply. I have loved her for a long time now, and being we met over Tumblr and we knew one another before the relationship, sex isnât a big deal in our relationship. and I can think of at least ten of my friends who would feel the same way right now.Â
ASEXUALITY IS A REAL THING, LOVING, SWEET ACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE REAL! Just because your partner wants sex doesnât make you broken. Just because you donât want sex doesnât mean you should have to force yourself to do so.Â
Just be honest with one another, love one another. If a relationship canât survive a healthy, honest conversation, then it wasnât a very strong relationship to begin with. TL;DR People who canât see past sex as a âcoreâ in a relationship with someone ace/sex repulsed is an asshole.
Iâve long thought that they way western culture portrays sexual incompatibility and dissatisfaction as a normal aspect of marriage is completely fucked. Even if youâre not especially paying attention, you may well have developed some unhealthy ideas about how relationships and sex are supposed to work.
Comp het is a thing for ace people too in my experience as an ace individual. When I was younger I overcompensated for being repulsed by the idea of sex by learning how to talk like I wanted to sleep with every celebrity/character that I found remotely good lookingâ itâs easier to pretend when the whole sex thing in question is impossible. I didnât want people to laugh at me and call me a prude again (which they had done when I was a teenager). But of course secretly I was repulsed by the idea of sex and someone I knew irl. But when you constantly talking about having the hots for everyone, people tend to buy it âŚ..
Ace rep is important because i shouldnât have had to sit there and be made to feel like I was a childish prude who didnât want to so much as make out with another person and that there was something wrong with me for feeling that way.
Ace rep is important because even non-ace people wonât always want to have sexâeven with people theyâre attracted to or in relationships with. The reality is that the concept that having the ability to feel sexual attraction and arousal does not mean one always wants sex is still a huge challenge for a lot of people.
Ace rep shines a light on the greater issues the world has with consent and understanding that sexual attraction and arousal is not omnipresent. This is not even getting into the fact that matching/complimentary sexualities & genders are also not a guarantee of sexual attraction or a desire for sex with that âmatchâ. The desire to discredit asexuality as a legitimate sexuality stems from a rape-culture based desire to maintain entitlement to sex based on oneâs own desires without considering the other participant(s) desire or lack thereof.

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I heard someone call barbie disappointingly heterosexual and I've never disagreed with anything more strongly in my life
And also the way Barbie and Ken are role playing heterosexuality without any inherent sexuality of their own, without any understanding of what it means, or even any genitals at all! Just pretty-girl + handsome-guy = obviously a couple. And the way it fucks them both up! Because theyâre both stereotypes, neither of them is a specialist version, no brain surgery or pilots license or Nobel prize for either of them. Theyâre just assigned the roles of Every Man and Every Woman. And Ken ends up doing Way Too Much because heâs hanging his entire self-worth on being important to Barbie. And Barbie just isnât interested in him, she was assigned a boyfriend she didnât ask for and doesnât want and doesnât know what to do with, just because thatâs what society expects of men and women, that they will necessarily couple up and fall in love because⌠thatâs what they do. Regardless of any personal quality of either party.
Itâs about heteronormativity and amatonormativity and the unrealistic expectations society sets boys and girls up for from infancy. Barbie and Ken are every pair of toddlers sharing a sandbox while the adults around them call them each otherâs little âboyfriendâ or âgirlfriendâ even though neither party understands or is capable of understanding the implied meaning of that. Or wants to.
Itâs a literal funhouse mirror of that weird pressure put on kids to perform heterosexuality from an early age. It examines how that leaves us unprepared for the complicated reality of actual relationships even if it turns out that you are heterosexual and do want sex and romance. Boys and girls arenât really allowed to be just kids on the same team, so they grow up into men and women who generally want very different things from each other and are trained to look for it in everybody because anybody is better than nobody, and try to force it to work.
Barbie and Ken letting each other go in the end was perfect. Barbie the Every Woman realizing that she doesnât have to be special, she just has to be, and Ken the Every Man realizing he has to seek validation elsewhere and lean on his fellow Kens for emotional support, WHICH THEY GIVE.
Truly a movie of all time.