a total mess

isn’t it strange how finding yourself alone is embarassing? you can’t tell anyone about it, because it feels like admitting something is fundamentally wrong with you. so instead, you find yourself lying every day, that this is actually what you want, that it’s freeing, that you love your own company. and maybe all that’s true for a while. but why does your heart drop when you see strangers embrace? sharing headphones while your music thumps in both ears? having a laugh or an in-joke? what you wouldn’t give for someone to rib you like that again. but no, this is okay. you get to choose the songs. you can’t embarrass yourself when no-one you interact with really matters. you won’t see them again. they don’t care enough to remember. they probably see dozens of awkward blunders every day. you’re isolated by your isolation, praying someone remembers and pulls you out of it. so you wander from place to place, craving that human touch that feels every bit as essential for survival as breathing, except for the part where it isn’t.

okay i have a completely blank instagram. like we’re talking not even a pfp. because i’ve always been so embarassed over how i look, especially in high school. i think it’s probably cos i was the only south asian at my very white school. ive recently started taking photos of myself and i can actually say that i don’t hate myself anymore. i like who i am. but today, when for the first time i’m going to put a selfie on my story, i’m overthinking it to an insane level. like i KNOW no one gives a shit- it’s not even an actual post. but still. so i’m asking you guys IS IT CRINGE TO POST PHOTOS OF YOURSELF SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE

no fucking way