#conservative

Condemning the “woke left” for what he called the “modern evisceration of masculinity,” local conservative man Hank Daniels confirmed Monday that he was never going to stop being proudly frightened of everything. “I’m proud as hell to be scared of everything, and there’s nothing you can do to silence me about that fact,” said Daniels, puffing out his chest as he spoke from behind a barricaded basement door that he had reinforced to keep out the “terrifying liberals, women, and immigrants who haunt my thoughts, at all hours of the day and night, whether I’m awake or asleep,” which he told reporters he was not ashamed to admit in the slightest.