monkey gone 2 heaven

you gotta come to the club man drinks are $18 and were all on our phones googling dog surgery

the wife of this boddhisattva keeps cheating on him with me and it sucks every time he catches us fucking on his bed he just smiles and nods with boundless compassion and understanding i think she's actually getting off on how guilty it makes me feel

the siege was going well and we were all having our dirt soup together thinking about how much it must suck to be the castle knights (who ran out of food weeks ago). but the soldiers closest to the walls whisper that the wind carries the smell of an awesome pig. one thing is for certain: they are grilling a secret animal.

*me, literally sick with want* whatever

funniest Kamala Harris VP picks go

I'll start. Bruce Springsteen

Joe Biden

just learned that when they bury racehorses its only the head heart and hooves which feels somewhat worse to me than not designating any grave at all to a half-ton animal that died in the name of running fast for gambling purposes and was named some shit like Popcorn Deelites

BREAKING: the Tampa Bay Rays have vanished completely due to no children on Earth believing in them anymore.

The drake Kendrick beef trending on tumblr is like finding out an isolated village in the middle of Siberia with no internet or television access knows who Michael Jackson is

Sorry i wore my boner pants and fart shoes to your wedding. If I could do it all over again I'd change everything

stop unfollowing me im pregnant and it’s yours

Scratching your vaginer through your baggy jeans pocket #yes