aprilcrush

LEE MINHO

SEO CHANGBIN

HWANG HYUNJIN

HAN JISUNG

LEE FELIX

KIM SEUNGMIN

YANG JEONGIN

It was a beautiful afternoon, Chan and Stevie were having their usual Wednesday date in the cafe by the river. Seungmin had happened to walk by, Stevie stopped him and introduced them. That's all. Then suddenly they hung out in the same group. A lot. Because that's who Stevie was; always wanted to include everyone and have everyone get along. Unfortunately she didn't always have the best eye for who fit together, but Seungmin didn't have the heart to tell her. 

She would've listened and apologized immediately. Been beside herself for the pain she caused, which she didn't have to be because she didn't know. How could she know? There was no way she understood how painful it was for someone who was in love with her to share the same space with someone so close to her so often. They were always sitting so close together, laughing, giving each other little pecks.

Seungmin couldn't blame her, how could he? She was just being her beautiful, caring self. Her heart was what he fell for first and foremost, because it was so obvious to anyone who met her how big and full of love it was.

Chan and Stevie met in high school, at band camp. Chan was multi-talented, singing, playing the guitar, drums and making his own tracks. Stevie played the violin, albeit very well, but it was her one and only brush with music.

Seungmin and Stevie met in college, they were both studying journalism and world cultures. Seungmin had every opportunity to become a doctor (including being extremely smart and diligent), thus following his parents wishes but decided to pursue writing instead. Stevie still played the violin, but the hours spent on writing and research consumed the biggest slice of her life.

Chan was like a fresh summer breeze at the beach, comforting and full of life and adventure. His smile lit up the town, and his kindness and social skills were undefeated. In a word, Chan was wonderful. His producing career had taken off a few years back, and he worked with the top artists in the country while making his own music whenever he had the chance. They reconnected after randomly bumping into each other in the same cafe where they now had their weekly Wednesday date.

Seungmin had the most outrageous sense of humour, and could seem cold when people met him the first time. It was just his way of being shy, but after spending time together he was like a grumpy teddy bear with a brain the size of the Atlantic ocean, interested in every subject and intrigued by new things on the daily. In a word, Seungmin was wonderful.

Seungmin spent most of his time doing research and studying. His minor was international politics and communications, and he'd said multiple times that if given the chance, he'd head off wherever there was military conflict to try and get to the bottom of what is going on in the rubble. He wanted to make a difference with his writing and photos.

As Seungmin searched for Stevie's red rain coat in the midst of all the people celebrating the fact that the weekend had arrived, he couldn't help but beat himself up for exploding. It may have been the beers he'd downed, the crowded space, the way Chan seemed to get all the attention tonight. It felt so unfair, but that was no excuse. 

"Man, what is your problem?" Chan yelled, eyes wide and arms spread. Seungmin had just shoved him after he'd kissed Stevie's cheek.

"Seungmin!"

"You. You are my problem." He couldn't help it, enough was enough.

Chan cocked his head to the side and took a deep breath. Chan was horrified and disappointed in Seungmin, and he never would've imagined Stevie letting someone so narrow-minded get so close to him, or let alone want to be close to him herself.

"You wanna go? Okay, let's go."

"Chan!"

"I do want to fight you, believe me. But this can just as easily be sorted if you just back. the fuck. off."

"Oh? Well, that's too bad, because I have no intention to do that. Unless she tells me to."

"What is going on?"'

"Stevie, you have to choose."

"Dude. Listen."

Seungmin's eyes bored into Stevie's, but he became blurry to her when tears began clouding her vision. Chan grabbed Seungmin's shoulder but he yanked himself away.

"Stevie. Choose. Please, I can't do this anymore."

"Choose what?" Stevie shouted. But looking between the two the "what" struck her like lightning. "N-No, Seungmin, why are you doing this? Chan's-"

"I just told you. I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"Pretend this-" he motioned around to all three of them. "-is okay. It's not. It's torture."

Chan sighed. But it was a sigh of relief. Seungmin wasn't narrow-minded, he was jealous. That would be a hell of a lot easier to sort out.

"Seungmin, listen, I'm-"

"You're so clueless of what you do to me. Or you're not and it's on purpose and you're a worse person than I could've imagined."

"Okay, that's it," Chan forgot the burst of understanding in a heartbeat when Stevie was disrespected. He grabbed the collar of Seungmin's t-shirt with fury boiling his blood, but before the older man's fist collided with his jaw, the door slammed. The two heads, in close proximity to each other, snapped towards the spot Stevie had vacated in a hurry and in tears.

Chan didn't pause for long.

"Listen, you fucking idiot. You don't know what you're talking about. You go and apologize right now. Make it right."

Chan threw a stunned, drunk Seungmin towards the door without a further explanation. If he wasn't drunk he wouldn't have done that, but now the blonde's big brother side came out and somehow overruled his other thoughts of comforting his best friend. His drunk brain figured he'd get Stevie and bring her back upstairs. They'd both explain together. But the two didn't return.

Seungmin sprinted out after haphazardly grabbing his coat, remorse filling him from head to toes.

He knew it wasn't right. And he wanted to apologize if he could just find-

There.

"Stevie!" he called, a few heads turned to gawk at the source of the loud noise. But Stevie's head wasn't one of them. Either she couldn't hear him or she was, for the first time during their friendship, actually pissed at him.

The latter seemed more likely since her pace seemed to pick up. Her house wasn't far, luckily, but unfortunately Seungmin also knew the way by heart, he'd walked her there countless times.

"Stevie, please stop!"

"Hey dude, if she doesn't want to talk you should let her be," a strong hand gripped his chest just as he was at arms length.

"Mind your business," Seungmin spat back and gripped the wrist with his left hand. He wasn't confrontational, just occupied by getting to the girl he loved. But to the drunken gentleman, those were fighting words, and a blink of an eye later Seungmin's eye was in the process of turning purple. 

"Want some more you asshole?"

"Stop!"

Stevie's voice was strong as she gripped Seungmin's shoulders to hold him up.

"Please don't hurt him- again, it's okay, he's my... friend."

"Stevie," Seungmin groaned, one hand covering his throbbing eye.

"You sure?"

"Mhm," Stevie nodded. "Thank you for having my back. I'm Stevie."

"Yeah, I figured. I'm Ollie. Hey man, uh, sorry about the shiner."

Seungmin lifted his head slightly to look at the man whose name was apparently Ollie. Of course Stevie introduced herself, at this point half the city knew her by name surely. He had no strength to argue, and this probably had some karmic intervention type of point. Plus, the guy did think he was harassing Stevie so if it had been anyone else following her he would've thanked him for his service. So yeah, it was fine. But that didn't make the pain any less.

"You've got a mean hook," he grimaced and waved his unoccupied hand. "It's fine, dude, we're cool."

"Come on, let's go to mine."

They walked in silence, Stevie's hands remained around Seungmin's shoulders to steady him. The idiot she was fuming at. But she'd hold an umbrella over his head in the rain no matter how mad he made her. She'd make him soup when he's sick even if she was sick of him. She loved Kim Seungmin. She loved him even if sometimes she didn't like him. In that moment she wondered why the hell she loved him, how she could love someone who would act this way. He had been too perfect for a long time.

At that moment she had to concentrate to hold her tongue and not start telling him off, the Moscow mules in her system swirling and trying to spew out the choice words she had reserved just for him. Hurting her, hurting Chan, what the hell was he thinking?

"Stevie," Seungmin sighed when his back leaned against the elevator wall as they waited for it to climb to the highest floor where her studio dwellings awaited.

"Don't."

Her phone vibrated deep in her pocket. Chan's name lit up the screen, acting as a reminder of what Seungmin had demanded of her. Seungmin scoffed, jealousy raising it's hideous head.

"You won't talk to me but sure, answer when he calls."

She wasn't going to. But she'd be damned if he was allowed to push her around.

"Hey Chan, what is it? Yeah, I'm almost home... Yeah, he caught up to me... I'll talk to you late- what? Yeah, we'll be fine. Can I tell him? Thanks, love you."

Seungmin gulped. 

"Just get home safe, and please tell Jeongin I'm sorry for not hugging him goodbye. And thank him for hosting. And say bye to the girls for me. Thanks... Bye."

The whole time, the entire call, Stevie didn't look away from Seungmin once. His nostrils flared, his one good eye staring right back. The stupid Mexican standoff ended when the elevator doors opened.

"Okay, talk," Stevie tied her hair into a pony and sat down on her favourite spot on the carpet in front of her bed after shoving an ice pack into Seungmin's hands. The injured (both eye and ego) man sat down in front of her, legs close to his chest. The involuntary flinch he made when the ice came into contact with his swollen eye launched a twinge through Stevie's heart and she almost softened. Almost.

"I feel terrible. I'm sorry," Seungmin looked at his knees. He couldn't face her glossy gaze.

"For...?"

"F-For saying you have to choose, and that you might be a horrible person."

"Why did you say that?"

She was torturing him, letting him stew and squirm. He'd acted like an idiot, she figured he shouldn't get out of it so easily.

Seungmin opened and closed his mouth multiple times. Stevie could make out the dark bruise that was forming around his eye. The lamp on her nightstand illuminated half of his face, perfectly highlighting his jaw and the brown strands that framed his face.

"I was mad."

"Because...?"

"Because you love him more than me."

The answer didn't shock her. She wasn't dumb, Seungmin was obviously jealous. Okay, maybe she'd been a little blind about what Seungmin had gone through, but there was an explanation. His jealousy was completely unfounded.

"Untrue," she stated simply. "I love you both, equally. Just... a little differently."

"You say that, but-"

"Chan's gay."

Seungmin turned into a statue.

Chan's... Chan's what? But he was so sure that he... 

"I'm an idiot."

Stevie nodded. "Yeah, but you also didn't know. You couldn't, we didn't tell you, he hasn't been in a relationship in a good while, and we're really close and personal. But it's just our friendship. You could've just asked. He's like my brother. And you... you're not like my brother."

Stevie pulled herself to her knees and tumbled closer to Seungmin, who stared at her with his one good eye. The beautiful dark brown colour was surrounded by long, beautiful lashes. Her eyes flicked to his lips momentarily.

"I can prove it," she smiled and leaned even closer. "If that's okay with you."

He gulped. Then nodded.

"O-Okay."

His breath probably smelled like beer, his lips were dry, there was an ice pack covering his eye, his eye was almost swollen shut, he'd just almost made the woman he was in love with hate him by making her choose between her gay best friend and him. 

But damn it if that wasn't the sweetest, gentlest, greatest kiss of his life.

His mind flashed to all the times she'd complimented him, helped him, touched him. Loved him. All the signs he'd been too blind to see because of his jealousy.

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you again," Seungmin gulped. "I never knew I could be so jealous."

"We'll sort this out. And besides, you were in pain and I didn't even notice," Stevie pouted and softly placed her hand over the one holding the cold plastic over the karmic intervention on his face. He didn't even flinch, but instead sighed with relief. "So we'll work on this dynamic together."

She pecked his lips again.

"Okay?"

"Okay. I'm sorry I didn't ask. And for the shit I said. And for causing a scene."

"I forgive you. But don't you ever, ever threaten people again. And you have to apologize to Chan."

They called Chan together after Seungmin popped some Ibuprofen. Chan laughed on the other end, obviously still drunk.

"Just don't be this dramatic all the time."

Seungmin's chuckle turned into a pained groan, the rise of his cheekbones making the bruise pulse again.

"I think he got the message," Stevie giggled and chucked the ice pack back to Seungmin's extended hand. They ended the call and sat in a comfortable silence. Seungmin was over the moon: the woman he loved wanted to be with him, he hadn't lost her. He could stop feeling inferior and furious towards a guy he actually thought was cool and nice. Maybe they could be friends.

・❥・ 𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯 (방찬)

Words of encouragement.

As the leader of seven very energetic young men, Chan knows first-hand how horrible and discouraging stress can be. He knows how it is to feel as though nothing you do is helping, that you’re just making everything worse, whilst others depend on you. So, he takes every opportunity he can to make sure you know how loved and appreciated you are.

Doesn’t matter if it’s a loving text in the middle of the day or sweet whispers in your ear just as you’re about to fall asleep in his arms after a long and tiring day, he’s there to encourage and reassure you at all times.

In fact, he’s even gone as far as to name himself your ‘number one hype man’, to which you aren’t complaining.

He’s been your rock, your safety unit, just as you have been to him countless times.

・❥・ 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘩𝘰 (이민호)

Reading.

They do say opposites attract, which is exactly what occurred with you and Minho, your boyfriend, as his personality greatly contrasts with yours.

For example; while he isn’t a very affectionate person, neither in public nor in the privacy of your own home, it would be an understatement to say you loved all types of affection.

Although something like this would normally put a rather large emotional barrier between the typical couple’s relationship, you had both come to a silent and unofficial agreement.

You wouldn’t let that come between you, as there were plenty of other solutions and ways to connect, like reading.

It was perfect, you yourself were a big book advocate and would often rant to the boy you called your lover about the plot and small details you noticed throughout your reading.

He always watched with a small but fond smile on his face, he loved to watch you talk about things you were passionate about.

So, after a long day, he’d come home to you and subtly ask about the book you were reading. Soon, your passionate rants turned into you reading to him.

It was the most flawless way to connect, all while having the both of you content and comfortable.

・❥・ 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘣𝘪𝘯 (창빈)

Gifts.

From the outside perspective, others may say that Changbin was a cold person, just based on his looks alone, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Changbin is a very caring man to his family and friends, especially to you. Underneath all of the ’cold guy’ criteria that everyone sees at first glance, is a soft and frankly squishy guy.

This corresponds with the fact that gift giving is the form of love he liked to share with you the most. Based on your personality, there could be very few things that remind you of him, while at the same time, any and everything could.

He usually sees potential gifts to give as they are filming ‘SKZ CODE’, wandering around the store and mini-shops the staff brought them to. It’s not like he intentionally looks for things to give, he just spots something that reminds him of you and buys it.

He loves your reactions, they’re always the same, yet always priceless. As the gifts are so random, you always sport a surprised yet soft smile, the way your eyes crinkle up slightly is the most precious thing.

・❥・ 𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘫𝘪𝘯 (현진)

Physical touch.

When you think of physical touch, especially in the most sensual way, Hyunjin is the first person you think of. He is the most dramatic and touchy person you know, which comes with the obvious statement, that touch is his love language.

Whether it’s him dramatically holding on to you as he laughs, trying not to to lose his balance and failing anyways, or him having his hand on your lower back, occasionally dragging his finger up your spine unconsciously as you chat with friends.

He’d never admit to it if asked, but he always has to be touching you. To know you’re there by his side, even if he can see you right in front or beside him.

You often mention to his members how cute it is (much to his dismay), how attached to you he is, as it makes you feel very special and giddy inside.

It has nothing to do with how cute it is when he whines to you later on about how much the members teased him, definitely not that.

・❥・ 𝘫𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘨 (한지성)

Face kisses.

Jisung is a very energetic person, along with his very loving, but chaotic personality, so touch is bound and predicted to be his love language.

He expresses his love in various ways, but he uses this specific action as a non-overwhelming way to show his love and adoration for you.

The moments he chooses to shower you in his love are random, but calculated. It could be while you’re cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or while you're having a tickle fight and he just can’t help himself as he stares at you, a moment where you feel so worthless and he just wants to bring a smile to your pretty face again.

They’re special to him because it’s a way to convey his feelings without necessarily speaking them out loud if he doesn’t want to.

It may be common upon couples to take part in this random act of affection, but to Jisung, it’s one of the most precious aspects of your relationship.

・❥・𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘹 (필릭스)

Notes.

Felix has a very bubbly and loving personality, he’s the friend you would call a sunshine because you just can’t help but smile around him.

He loves gifts and skinship, but he knows with his life as an idol, he unfortunately won’t always be able to have that with you. So, he always makes sure to write short notes with cute doodles for you to find in your shared apartment, with small but meaningful words of affirmation.

You’d find them in the most random places, on the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, sometimes even on a container of leftover food in said refrigerator.

They never failed to make you smile and he always requested in the note that you sent him a photo of it when you found them, just so he knows you’ve received his small gift of love for the day.

・❥・𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘮𝘪𝘯 (승민)

Hand Holding.

Although Seungmin isn’t a closed off person, he prefers to show his love and affection in private, opting to never show too much skin-ship in front of his members or random people you pass by on the street.

He also realizes that you are a person who practically needs skinship to survive, in short, a sickeningly affectionate person, who doesn’t care who it is in front of.

Because of this, he’s made it a habit to take your hand in his every so often, conveying his emotions to you in a small way.

You’re often in the studio with him as he’s recording, for moral support, so when they take short breaks, he sits and chats with you, all whilst he holds your hand and rubs soothing circles on the back of it.

The fact that he finds your relatively small hands (which look even smaller encased in his) cute, has nothing to do with it either.

・❥・ 𝘫𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯 (양정인)

I love you’s.

Jeongin isn’t a very affectionate person physically, he prefers to use his words as a way to connect emotionally, speaking out his most intimate and meaningful thoughts to his loved ones when needed.

He takes his relationship with you very seriously, so naturally he’s going to take the very meaningful three worded phrase seriously as well.

Jeongin does not say it often or out of the blue, he’s precise in his timing and way of speaking it aloud.

He doesn’t take it lightly, as nobody should. That’s why it warms your heart when you hear him speak the words, your heart flutters and you can feel the butterflies in your tummy as he looks at you with the fondest look in his eyes.

Love.

“When you say that everything is useless and meaningless, but only good memories come back."

Despite the apathy Kim Seungmin’s friends accused him of, he found himself incessantly dwelling on the last words he’d heard you say. 

“What’s the point, Min? What are we even fighting for anymore?”

Even now, he felt the devastation of those simple sentences wreak havoc on his heart. How could you have summarized the entirety of your relationship into two heartbreaking questions, forsaking every bit of joy the two of you had shared? How could you have forgotten every inside joke and comforting embrace? He didn’t hate you for it, though.

In fact, Seungmin wished he could abandon them, too. It would be easier that way. 

The knowledge that you were coming by his apartment today poignantly lacked the excitement it used to carry with it - knowing that this would likely be the last time you willingly spent with him souring the idea of getting to see your face again. He stood from the couch, ignoring the dent his body had left after days of rotting away alone, grabbing an empty box in which to gather your things. 

He started in the bathroom. There was a certain sadness to halving the amount of things in a room, even without the attachment of a breakup. Seungmin bit the inside of his cheek to maintain composure, fighting the urge to shed any more tears, as he lifted the glass perfume bottle he’d gifted you a few months ago from the counter. 

You’d been eyeing it for a while, not that you’d ever said anything to him about it, but he had a keen sense of awareness - especially when it came to you. He’d asked you if you’d wanted it before, earning a scoff and a wave of your hand as you assured him that it wasn’t really that important. 

But he hadn’t let it go. 

He’d grabbed it after his shift at the cafe across the street from the parfumerie, grinning from ear to ear as he carried the pale pink bag back to the apartment. You’d gotten a text from him, saying it was of the utmost importance that you came over after your plans with your mom, and had later scolded him for worrying you. 

He’d always remember the concern in your voice as you’d come in the door, “Minnie?” you’d been sliding off your shoes when you called his name, “Is everything okay?”

He was far too excited to feel bad about having worried you in the moment, nearly vibrating with glee as you rounded the corner into the dining room. When you took in the uncharacteristic grin on his face, your concern quickly morphed into confusion. It wasn’t until he’d pulled that pastel bag out from under the chair that the understanding of what he’d done for you overcame them both, replacing any worries you had with a growing endearment towards him. 

Seungmin sniffled as he remembered the way your voice sounded, muffled into his neck as you’d embraced him tightly, telling him that he was the best. 

If only he’d been able to keep you believing so.

Placing the glass bottle gingerly into the box, he gathered the rest of your toiletries and moved on to the bedroom. The scent of your shampoo wafted up from the bedding as Seungmin flopped down onto the mattress, opening the drawer of the bedside table you’d claimed as your own. A humorless scoff came from his lips as he remembered your indignation at having nowhere for your things. 

“If you want me to stay over here, I don’t want to throw my things wherever!”

Shaking his head, and the recollection of your cute pout from his mind, he pulled the drawer open. The inside was pretty bare, containing but a few knick-knacks and keepsakes. He lifted them one-by-one, heaviness growing nearly unbearable on his shoulders as he felt the lump in his throat grow. 

The first thing he packed was a slip of paper from inside of a fortune cookie. He’d tried to make you a nice dinner on your first overnight, only to end up forgetting to set the timer and burning the salmon beyond saving. He’d felt horrible, terrified that he’d made an incompetent fool of himself in front of you and that you wouldn’t want to stay - but you surprised him. 

You always surprised him. 

You’d comforted him, pecking him on the cheek before pulling the menu for China Garden off of his fridge, asking him what he wanted as you dialed the number into your phone. You ate your takeout together in front of the TV, poking fun at the overrated rom-com rather than actually paying attention. After the credits, you’d excitedly handed him a fortune cookie - giggling as you counted down from three - insisting that you open them together. 

Seungmin could no longer remember what his own had said, though yours would forever reside in the most cherished part of his memories - even without having it physically in his hands. 

“The love of your life is right in front of you.”

You’d teased that maybe it had been talking about the male lead in the movie that you’d just watched, but quickly changed your tune at the gaping of Seungmin’s mouth - laughing at your own dumb joke before launching yourself into his lap, smothering his face in kisses until his angry facade broke down into tittering laughter. 

He placed it delicately, as though it would break, into your box of things before picking up your photo-keychain. It held three photobooth-style pictures. The first was of the two of you posing politely - your smile brilliant and glowing, while Seungmin’s seemed more relaxed. In the second photo, you’d puffed out your cheeks and made a funny expression, Seungmin looking towards you with visible affection in his gaze. In the third, his hand had been on your cheek, the camera catching the tiny space between his lips and yours before he’d kissed you.

He’d kissed you deeply and desperately, as though trying to give you every bit of love through his lips. It was an amazing kiss. A kiss that the two of you swore to never forget.

A kiss that lasted until a disgruntled patron flung the curtain open, unhappy with having to wait so long for their turn. 

He breathed out a laugh, ignoring the prickle of tears in his eyes as he remembered you nearly cackling after grabbing the string of photos - head thrown back without a care in the world - as you dragged him away from the booth and the angry line that had formed during your intimate moment.

You’d nearly dragged him back to your apartment after, attacking his mouth with desperate kisses the moment the door shut behind you. Your hands had snaked under his shirt, lifting it over his head in a brief moment of silence before wrapping your hands in his hair. 

He stopped himself before he remembered the moments that followed, unsure if remembering the first time you made love would be something he could do without completely breaking down.

It was then that a knock brought his attention to the time - a quarter past three. You’d always been punctual, showing up right on time if not early. Seungmin wished that today, of all days, you’d have been late. That he’d be able to hope you’d tell him you’d changed your mind, that you’d tell him to return your things to their places, that you didn’t want to leave.

These desires brought tears to his eyes as he trudged towards the door, opening it to let you in. 

He tried not to stare, though he’d never been able to keep his eyes off of you for long. He noticed that you looked tired, dark circles prominently framing your uncharacteristically dull eyes. You were in a large hoodie and leggings, hair piled atop your head in a messier-than-fashionable bun. This a look he’d typically only seen you have on days where you didn’t feel like ‘peopling,’ as you’d put it. 

His heartstrings tugged at the sight of the red rings around your eyes - showing him, at least, that he wasn’t alone in his grief. 

You stared at him, too. The lack of color in his cheeks and the disheveled way his hair lay atop his head cracking the cold exterior you’d been determined to wear. When you caught a glimpse of empty cups and bowls around a blanket-covered indent on the couch, the crack broke you completely. 

“Hi.”

Your voice came out as more of a choke than actual speech as you stepped inside, sliding off your shoes without breaking eye contact. 

“Hey,” he responded, voice thick with obvious strain. 

You hated this, every bit of it. The awkwardness that had never existed between the two of you, the heaviness of the air in the apartment you’d once called a second home, the way the typically-confident Seungmin looked sunken in on himself. 

“Do you…do you wanna sit down?” he asked, breaking the eye contact to turn towards the couch and reclaim the spot he’d lived in for three days. 

You followed him, sitting a polite distance away despite the overwhelming urge to scoop him up into your arms. 

Neither of you spoke for several minutes, looking anywhere but at each other. The discomfort in the air was making you anxious enough to absently pick at your nails. You hadn’t quite realized you’d started to do so, not until Seungmin’s shaking hand covered both of yours. 

“You’re doing the thing,” he whispered, meeting your widened eyes with a nervousness of his own as he slowly pulled his hands back to his lap. 

“Yeah…thanks…” you returned, separating your hands from themselves so as not to fall back into the nervous habit. 

You wondered if it were possible to actually suffocate in silence, exhaling a deep sigh at the same time Seungmin had done the same. You looked into his eyes, giving a soft smile to break the tension - heart clenching in your chest as he did the same, looking away in an attempt to disallow you seeing the way his eyes welled with tears. 

He hadn’t been quick enough. 

“Seungmin…” you reached a hand out to touch his shoulder, only to be stopped short by the man sounding smaller than you’d ever heard.

“Don’t,” he interrupted, a humorless laugh leaving his lips, “Please, don’t comfort me right now. It’ll…” he took a deep, shuddering breath, “It’ll just make it harder. Please.”

“I still care about you, Min,” you sighed, placing your hand against the thin cotton of his tee despite his protests, “I’m not just gonna sit here and watch you hurt.”

“Why, then?” he whispered, shoulder immediately shaking under your careful touch. You could hear the thickness in his voice, something so foreign to you until the last month you’d spent with him that now felt too painfully familiar, “Why just…leave me? Like it’s nothing…”

It felt as if he’d reached into your chest and gripped your heart with all of his strength then, briefly knocking the wind out of you as a mixture of angry and anguished tears sprung to your eyes. 

“You think it was easy, Min?” you choked, trying and failing to keep your emotions in check, “You think it was easy for me to leave? I tried, Seungmin…I tried my best for as long as I could I just –”

“You just gave up on me,” he muttered, trying to sound annoyed though it came out sounding much more pathetic than he’d hoped, “You gave up on us, without a second thought.”

“Do you really believe I didn’t think this through?” you asked, incredulousness dulled significantly by the way your voice distorted through tears, “Do you really think I’d have left if things were fine?”

"I'm not saying they were fine," he near-whined, leading you to drop your hand from his shoulder to rest atop his own - a clenched fist against his thigh relaxing just enough to bring color back to his knuckles at the gesture, “I’m just saying…we could’ve been. We were once.”

“Min–”

“No, let me say this!” he pled, finally looking back towards you. The desperation in his voice and rivers from his eyes made it impossible for you to argue. You nodded, encouraging him to continue, “You…you asked what we were even fighting for,” he flipped his hand, lacing his fingers smoothly between yours comfortably, “You asked that like there’s nothing good here.”

“I–”

“I’m not done,” he whispered, a reminder moreso than a reprimand, “Do you really think that way? That there’s nothing here worth fighting to save?”

“I never said there wasn’t, Minnie, I just–”

“You just what? Forgot?” his words were bitter, but not meant to hurt you. He was trying to understand. Trying to figure out exactly when and where you decided that a relationship with him no longer held any value. 

“We’ve been fighting so much,” you tried to explain, squeezing his fingers between yours in an attempt to reassure him despite the weight your words held.

“Why does that have to negate everything else, love?” 

The softness of his tone combined with the affectionate petname broke you - completely, irreversibly, down to the very core of your being - as you let out a sob. 

And then another. 

And another. 

Until you were letting out each bit of pain you’d been hiding behind assurances of being fine when your friends would ask how you were feeling. Until you were shaking, tears flowing rather than falling from your tired eyes. Until Seungmin’s arms wrapped around you, pulling you against his chest with the gentle strength that only he’d been able to show you. 

“Please don’t cry…” he spoke into your hair, breath tickling your ear as his fingers danced along your back in comforting circles, “Please…I didn’t mean to make you cry…” 

You couldn’t respond, fully drowned in the emotions you’d been refusing to accept for the last few days. You didn’t want to leave in the first place, having said goodbye in the midst of rage and hurt. It was only because you didn’t want to seem like a pushover, mind swayed easily by an apology, that you hadn’t ran immediately back into his arms. 

“Love, please, look at me…” he urged, trying to pull back from your trembling frame with little to no success. Your fists held tightly to the back of his shirt, pressing your face in the center of his chest as you finally allowed yourself to let go. 

Finally allowed yourself to feel. 

He simply held you then, allowing your ragged breaths to slow back to a pace less concerning on their own time, content - as messed up as it may be - to just be able to hold you. Even if it were the last time. 

The steadiness of your breath, followed by the relaxing of your hands as they slid from their hold on his back, made him realize that you had - as you often did after crying - fallen asleep. He considered waking you up, reminding you of why you’d come here. That would be the right thing to do, all things considered. But he didn’t want to do the right thing, not this time. Not if it meant letting you go. 

So, as selfishly as one could perform such an innocuous act, Seungmin planted a gentle kiss to your forehead and fell asleep. He slept holding you to his chest with an innocent possessiveness - scared to let go, the possibility of you being gone when he opened his eyes being far too real for his liking. 

The sun had long since set when you awoke, wrapped in the comfort of a pair of arms you’d be able to identify even if it weren’t for the soft glow of the lamp. You swallowed hard, wondering if you’d managed to make some kind of mistake running to Seungmin for comfort. You sat up, carefully placing his hands back down to his sides so as not to disturb his slumber. 

He looked peaceful, despite puffiness evident around his eyes. You didn’t want to hurt him, but knew that sticking around might just give him false hope - which, you realized, you may have already done sleeping in his arms.

Even if it was the best rest you’d gotten since you’d left. 

You rose from the couch, careful to avoid the parts of the floor you’d learned would creak, and made your way to the bedroom - ready to gather your things. Atop the plush comforter you’d bought him for his birthday - insisting that his thin blanket was far from enough to aid in a restful sleep - was a box.

Your name was written on the box in Seungmin’s surprisingly neat handwriting, showing you that despite feeling hurt he’d still prioritized making life easier for you.

Your chest ached.

You padded over to the bed, sitting on the edge before pulling the box into your lap. Its contents were mostly mundane - shampoo and face wash, a toothbrush and comb, a few shirts you’d left behind. Those didn’t matter so much, though. Especially not after the shine of the moon off of glass caught your eye. 

You lifted the perfume bottle slowly, turning it in your palm as you remembered the absolute joy on Seungmin’s face when he’d presented it to you. He’d never been one to outwardly show such excitement, opting instead to appear aloof in most situations, but that day? That day he was like a proud puppy who had just brought the ball back during fetch, eagerly anticipating the praise and happiness of his counterpart. 

You placed it back in the box, blinking away tears as you felt the familiar plastic of the keychain you’d gotten beneath your fingers. You didn’t need to pull it from the box to know what it was - the memories of that day burned into your brain for the rest of your life. The memory of the way he’d kissed his way into your heart that day was precious - even now, knowing it was ending. 

Seungmin had woken up whilst you were looking through the box, instantly feeling cold as he realized you were nowhere to be seen. Had you left already? Without so much as a goodbye? He rose to his feet in a panic, checking the entryway for your shoes. He felt as though a ton of bricks had been pulled from his chest as he realized your worn down sneakers were still there, unmoved. 

Knowing you were still here made it much easier for Seungmin to move slowly, peering into each room as he searched for you. He considered calling your name, but quickly decided against it, not wanting to risk waking you - just in case you’d curled up in bed.

He heard you before he saw you - a soft sniffle followed by poorly contained sobs. He quickened his pace then, sprinting towards the doorway to the bedroom, completely prepared to comfort you as long as you’d let him. 

You’d picked up the fortune from the box, holding it gingerly between two fingers whilst covering your mouth with your free hand. 

“Are you alright?” he spoke through panting breaths from the combination of the speed at which he reached you and panic at your cries. 

You looked up from the words - the love of your life is right in front of you - and felt any remaining anger from the arguments the two of you had melt away. 

“Are you okay?” his brows knit together in confusion as you remained quiet, glancing back and forth between him and the wrinkled fortune you pinched between your fingers. 

“Minnie,” you started, fighting against every bit of fear, “I…”

He sat next to you then, tilting his head to the side as he waited for what you had to say. 

“I want to stay.”

His entire face changed, then. Brows raising, eyes widening, jaw dropping all in a display of shock. He carefully put his hand on your knee, speaking barely above a whisper, “You mean..?”

“I mean I wanna stay, Min. I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna leave you, I want us to work, I want–”

You were cut off by his lips crashing into your own, needy without being forceful as his strong hands cupped both sides of your face. You both cried openly then, sharing uneven breaths between your mouths as all of the hurt - and relief - swept through you at once. You moved your lips against his with fervor, relishing in the moment you thought you’d never experience again.

When the two of you pulled back, your bloodshot eyes met in a knowing glance - he didn’t need to say anything for you to know how much he missed you. He understood just as well, pressing his forehead to yours rather than saying anything at all. 

You knew right then that everything would be okay. It had to be, after all.

changbin : "do you hate me?"

he knew the answer already, it would be the cold hard buzz of your ringtone if he called you, he's tried. of course he has... but he knew that he had the answer from the moment you left his apartment that night. he'd never forget how you looked at him, hatred was the only way to describe it.

hyunjin : "i wrote that song about you"

he thought you didnt love him anymore, he was a loud lover and sometimes he forgot that you were your own person before you were his. maybe that's why it all came crashing down. he only realised how much you loved him after you broke up, sat in the cold depths of his now quiet apartment. the love was just you all along..

and now that you're gone you took it with you, leaving him to most suffocate in the love he had for you.

seungmin : "do you still have the camera i gave you? take lots of pictures for me"

he gave you that camera for your first anniversary, and now that you're gone he finds himself reminiscing about the times he shared with you. happy and sad feelings had been captured with that camera, and however much he hated to admit it... you would move on, and that camera would capture each of your new memories but this time just without him.

han : "i'm still not used to having a cold space next to me when i wake up"

han could never admit it when you were dating. he could never admit the fact you were almost like a comfort blanket to help him sleep at night. but now you're not here he wants to scream it to the world. sleep just doesn't come as easy as it used to anymore, he slept and woke up with your arms no longer wrapped around him, he felt almost as if he'd been stripped bare, the silences of his room felt almost as loud as the thumping of his heartbeat in his ears.

felix : "can i hear your voice... please? even if it will be for the final time?"

your voice was fading in his head, each note used to ring clear but now all he could hear were the honeyed remnants of what used to be his favourite sound in the world. he missed it more than he could even fathom , he could only remember the sheer comfort of how each syllable sounded coming out of your lips, and he would give anything to hear you again, even it would be the last time.

jeongin : "how did we end up like this? "

it all started with missed phone calls and half sincere smiles and it amounted to sleeping on opposite ends of the bed and hushed greetings. how did it all end up like this? jeongin recounted every minute so many times over in his head, what had gone so wrong? maybe he wanted to know for a sense of closure, if that was what fate wished upon the two of you so be it but if there's anything he could've done to make it all better he would do it in a heartbeat