Escapism

There’s nothing special about the morning, not really.

After waking up, he throws on his sweats, a black hoodie and some socks and runs his fingers through his dark hair. It bounces and settles, clean from last nights shower.

The tidal wave hits him without warning as he remembers all that sleep had blissfully hidden.

She’s gone.

Jeongin’s body goes nearly limp as he slumps down on the edge of his bed, nearly missing it.

He longs for the brief moment without memory or heartache. It only lasted a minute or so, but it was the closest to normal he’d felt in a good while.

A shaky hand reaches for his phone to see if there’s any sign from her.

Disappointed, again.

Did she really mean it? Was it over?

He knows the answer, it’s just unbearable.

He moves slowly, feet dragging as if dredging through a swamp. Chan sighs at the sight when his dorm mate finally emerges into the kitchen and manages to grab an energy drink from the fridge.

”Less than ideal,” Chan says softly, carefully commenting the choice of ”breakfast” which is more like lunch at this point. His gaze follows Jeongin, who sits down looking like an abandoned cat. The cat doesn’t look up, only stares at the table while chugging half the energy drink in one go. A drop runs down his chin but he remains still.

”Alright,” Chan stands up purposefully, takes his plate to the sink and reaches for the bag of bread in the cabinet. ”Eat something. Please.” His commanding tone seeps through the attempted politeness. The bread lands in front of the man who seems to have frozen judging by his stillness. The butter and knife follow swiftly.

A minute passes. And another.

Chan keeps swearing he’s not - repeat - he is NOT buttering a grown-ass man’s bread for him. But god fucking damn it, how pathetic can it get?

”Come on, man,” he mumbles under his breath and butters the fucking bread. ”Eat.” He stands above his friend, arms folded in annoyance.

Jeongin stares at the slice but still keeps a strained hand around the can of Monster.

There was nothing special about the morning. For the first two minutes. Then it became as special and magical as the last seven mornings had been without her.

He doesn’t understand what happened, why and how. There was yelling - so much yelling - and then just silence, like a vacuum constantly surrounds him. He doesn’t know what to do.

”Why-” Jeongin’s voice is hoarse like sandpaper, obviously from lack of use, and he clears his throat before continuing. Chan’s ears perk up as soon as he hears the tiny sound. ”Why can I sleep?”

”Huh?”

It’s been nagging at him, confusing him, stirring in his brain. Having always heard about how guilt can take away sleep, how good people can’t sleep after doing something bad.

”I… it’s the only thing I can do. Why? Isn’t it something I’m supposed to lose, too?”

Jeongin looks up, big eyes glossy and pleading. ”I shouldn’t be able to do it.”

The pain is so real and sharp that it slams into Chan and breaks his heart. He nearly grimaces.

”I’m glad you can. Sleep is good, it keeps you sane.”

The heavy head turns back down like a pendulum as Jeongin breaks.

”I don’t feel sane.”

He begins sobbing, and it makes him fold on top of the table, hands gripping his shirt, forehead nearly banging against the wooden surface.

”I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know what I did,” he chokes out, spit flying without care for his appearance. ”What am I gonna do?” he wails like a wounded wolf.

Chan lowers down to his knees hastily and swings his arm around Jeongin’s shoulders from below to hold him slightly upward. To carry him through it.

But his comfort is laced with a burning hate that threatens to destroy the support he’s trying to convey. His kind, diligent, loyal little brother is a decimated soul, all because of her.

He has held his tongue for months.

Because there has to be a reason for Jeongin to be into her. Something he didn’t see. It wasn’t his business, they’re both adults. But that woman… she had an eery gaze, and an obviously selfish state of mind, entirely opposite to her boyfriend. And it wasn’t even subtle.

Chan wondered often; was it the sex? Was she completely different when they were alone? Was Chan the only one who felt it, ergo was there something the matter with him?

The last one was very quickly proven false in the first few weeks, when Chan and Minho exchanged glances at a get-together. Minho mouthed ”the fuck?” and furrowed his brow so long it left a crease on his nose. There was a strange tension strangling the air that night, and Chan didn’t imagine it. Something was off.

And he certainly wasn’t imagining this. Jeongin had never been this inconsolable, this thin and worn. This isn’t someone who lost the love of their life, this is someone who has been manipulated and abused tirelessly, who has lost themselves in the black hole of a bad situation. Someone missing prison after being inside.

And now they’re done.

Finally.

”It’s gonna be okay,” Chan tries to soothe his friend who won’t stop shaking, muscles tense and spasming like a building in an earthquake. ”You’ll get through this. It’s better this way.”

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Chan sat with his head in his hands, stray hairs glued to his forehead, each raspy breath reminding him of the incredible three hours he’d spent on stage with his best friends.

No place I’d rather be. It’s perfect.

He heard them before he saw them, which was usually the case. Fourteen shoes marched down from the dressing room, all happy with their day’s work and pumped up with adrenaline from performing on stage.

So proud of you guys.

A smile softly formed on his face, the expression so fond it seemed out of place to his team.

”Hyung, stop staring,” Jeongin grimaced playfully. ”Come on, time to head to the hotel.”

”Actually,” Chan sighed while getting up. ”I was wondering if you’d let me take you out to dinner.”

Amidst the tired yet enthusiastic celebration there was a wave of relief swooshing around, and realization hit the leader of the eight-hearted team; it had been a long year for all of them, with little to no breaks, and so all of them had for a nano second been frightened that there were more obligations. It wasn’t uncommon for them to have engagements after shows, an interview, a meet and greet or something to do with their upcoming releases.

Don’t you worry, not tonight.

Chan felt a small lump in his throat as he basked in the excited smiles in front of him, but it would not get a chance to grow. He’d wallowed plenty, with his family and on his own. Instead of letting his mind slip back into the muddiest waters it had ever trekked, his right hand confidently pointed at the exit doors, leading the group out of the stadium to their transport.

As they made their way to a familiar spot in their minibus, Chan asked a seemingly ordinary question. It was something he brought up often, at this point more a habit than anything else, so the answers were usually something scripted as well. Only one person on the bus knew that this time was different. It was heavy and calculated, a momentous occasion in its way, because it would be the last time.

”Is there anything you need from me?”

Last times are a mystery. Sometimes you know, sometimes its a complete surprise, sometimes you don’t even remember that it really was the final time you said something, saw someone, hugged someone, did something. Things become a blur as life goes on. But for the past year, Chan had made it his relentless mission to recognize and give meaning to every last time he had.

One of them was right now. Since no other soul on the bus knew of his mission, the answers rolled in as usual.

”A house!”

”More money!”

”Get me a rolex!”

”I need a new pair of everything hyung!”

Chan wrote it all down in his mind, and vowed to do what he could to make their silly wishes come true. To some extent at least. Getting Felix a house would be a challenge, but Chan was nothing if not resilient. He’d proven that much these past months.

The restaurant was only a few blocks away when Minho leaned over to Chan, who sat by himself and silently watched his tired brothers get on with their post-show phone time.

”Hyung, is there anything you need from me?”

Minho’s eyes stared into him, as they sometimes did when he was worried. Chan could feel him getting closer to finding the spot inside his soul that would make him break down, he nearly began shaking. But it wasn’t an option, he’d almost made his clean escape, this little question was not going to undo him.

”A hug would be nice,” Chan grinned, eyes on the floor, happy telling the truth and dodging the investigative eyes that now narrowed.

”Maybe when you’re on your death bed.”

The noise that came out of the eldest member in that moment was unlike anything they’d ever heard. The dark laugh, deep and raspy, filled the car effortlessly. Chan couldn’t help it, it was too fitting. Minho knew without realizing it. He was sure that the man would feel the largest tsunami of realization very soon. The thought made him sad. He didn’t wish the silent guilt on him.

Before any of the others could address the oddly hollow chuckle they’d just heard, the minibus came to a gentle stop in front of the same steak place they’d visited on the previous tour. After the grueling amount of dancing they’d just done, it was no wonder how loud and elated the cheering was.

They got off the bus from eldest to youngest as always, though Chan would’ve done almost anything to just walk behind them in that moment. Korean customs mattered surprisingly little when compared to the matter at hand.

They went inside and so began the last night Chan ever spent with his brothers. He laughed so hard his wig nearly fell off multiple times. He considered removing it just to see the reactions, but decided the joke wouldn’t land.

The ache inside him was under every bone, heavy and unyielding, familiar and cold as steel. But it was rivaled by the love he was surrounded with.

As they made their way to the hotel, Chan suggested a quick group live.

One more, please.

Everyone agreed. Giving time to Stay to express their feelings fresh off the tour was a valuable effort, and needed to be done.

So they gathered in the leader’s room. Chan did a quick check to ensure his toiletry bag was zipped tight to keep the condeming evidence hidden. Felix set the live up.

And… action.

On the live, Chan made a point to smile and give hugs to each member. As he made his way to embrace everyone, the room went quieter and quieter.

He couldn’t stop the moment. And he couldn’t hide the emotion.

He squeezed so hard.

He trembled.

”Uh- thank you again Stay!” Felix nervously grinned at the camera and every man snapped their head back to the little dot on the tablet and waved, acting excited and happy.

Something was off. The camera included.

”Hyung, everything alright?” Han asked after timidly clearing his throat to break the silence.

”Yeah! Yeah! I’m just… emotional about the tour ending,” Chan replied with too much energy and sprinted to his bag, digging out seven letters.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

”Oh no no no, the last time we did this I cried on camera,” Changbin physically backed away.

”Don’t read them now, please. When you’re in your room, or on break, whenever you feel up for it. I just want you guys to know how I feel, you know? What you mean to me.”

”We already know,” Seungmin sighed and chuckled. ”You never let us forget.”

How he wished he could beg them to stay in this room and just stay up. How he wished he had all the time in the world. He never in his life thought he did. He always knew his time wasn’t 80 years away.

That’s why he always worked on what he wanted and loved, and did his best. And why he never stopped.

But if time ever wanted to do something nice for him, it would stop on a moment when all his loved ones and Stay are happy.

Because he knew they’d be devastated, and the thought was almost enough to make him want to keep fighting. If there was a way, he would. He was proud of the impact he’d had, and hoped it’d be enough to keep him alive even after the inevitable.

Changbin and Jisung hung back as everyone was exiting the room to head to sleep.

”Hyung, I got this verse almost down, but it needs a little something,” Ji handed his Hyung the phone. The familiar Notes app stared at Chan as if daring him to spill his sad secret and tell his brother that he wouldn’t be here to finish the track.

But he didn’t crack. Instead the original racha spent a half an hour finishing the lyrics and beat.

And it was fantastic. They were still those enthusiastic teenagers with so much to say.

”It’s gonna be a good one, hyung, I promise.”

”Yeah, I’ll get the rap down by next week,” Changbin added, nodding his head to convince himself that the bars were easy when they most certainly weren’t.

Chan wanted to scream as they left the room for them to stay. But this was good. For the best.

Dinner. Hugs. Letters.

Now for Stay.

He sat down at the desk, turned to on his camera.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Then he smiled wide, to make sure to show of his dimples.

”Thank you, Stay. I promise I tried everything to stay here with you. I love you all so much. Take care of my members, please. They need you. You need each other. Thank you for all you did for us and me. I promise I’m happy and fulfilled, more than I ever dreamed I could be. It hurts to go, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I always knew I’d go young. It’s alright. Take care of yourself and each other. I love you, more than I can express. I’ll keep an eye on you.”

His shaky voice would’ve been reason enough for him to redo the take at any other time, but now there were no revisions. It was perfect, almost.

Chan rose up with a sad smile on his face and leaned in. Another last time.

”Big hug.”

Camera off. Bags packed. All done.

Lee Know paced in his room after trying to stay still in his bed. Something was off. He couldn’t place it. When his eyes found the white envelope sticking out of his hoodie, he leaped to it and tore it open. He didn’t know if he was ”up for it”, but maybe it held the answer.

Five minutes later he was banging on Chan’s door.

”HYUNG! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!”

Chan had checked out an hour before Minho’s knock, to catch a flight to Australia. His family was waiting.

As the news spread around the globe of the great leader’s illness and passing, a new Chan’s Room was suddenly uploaded.

The words echoed in cities around the world, and became part of his vast legacy. No one could believe he hid it so well for so long. Millions mourned, but none as much as his family and brothers.

The boys knew why Chan did it the way he did. They understood. They were furious, but they understood. The pain in everyone’s chest would’ve been paralyzing if it weren’t for their tight-knit bond. Together, they pushed on. The pain remained, but they learned to live with it instead of trying to shove it away.

Almost a year to the date since Chan’s death, Jisung was at the studio going through a folder of different beats.

Suddenly he heard a mic turn on at the end of one of the tracks, the familiar crackle made his attention shift.

A gentle chuckle graced his ears.

”Hey, Ji, what do you think? Maybe this one, yeah? Don’t stress about it. Remember to sleep!”

Jisung laughed and cried. Then he called everyone in to let them chat with Chan as well.

Their leader was still everywhere. He’d recorded and created hundreds of tracks and soundbites for them to use for years to come, and recorded little messages all around.

”Maknae, don’t forget to eat! Did you like the watch I got you?”

”Changbin-ah! The track is already perfect, leave it!”

”Hyunjin-ah, be kind to yourself. And eat!”

”AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! Love you, cuz!”

”Minho, sing a little louder. Your voice is wonderful.”

”Seungmin, I know you’ll hit every note you want. Remember to have fun!”

”Tell my family I said hi! And I love them, obviously!”

”Tell stay I love them! And that I miss them, give them big hugs for me please!”

His voice brought pure smiles back into their studio sessions again, almost as if he was still there guiding them.

And he was, as best he could. Because of his recordings, he remained part of every track for years.

Chan was gone. He’d never come back. But he made damn sure he’d never be forgotten.

”Seungmin!” I call out as he determinately turns and begins stomping back the way he came.

Blood rushes from my face to my toes and I feel faint. I can’t believe he just saw us.

”Please, wait- where are you going?” I whisper-yell to keep this moment as private as possible while hurrying to catch up to him. Hasty movement and footsteps let me know that Hyunjin isn’t far behind.

Please don’t go to father. What can I say? ’It’s not what you think’, oh yes it is. ’Let me explain,’ explain what exactly?

”I tried, I tried, but no, you have to be you,” I hear my brother hiss without turning toward me.

Then a steady voice comes from behind me.

”Kim Seungmin, please allow me to explain.” As Hyunjin speaks, I feel him reach my side and take my hand.

My brother wouldn’t stop for me, but sure, stop for the man you barely know. It’s like his route came to a sudden finish as he stops, turns and cocks his head to the side, eyes darting to our joined hands.

”Go ahead.”

The air of superiority in his voice and the distain in his gaze make me furious, but I still have no idea what to say. Luckily it’s not me he’s speaking to.

”We were caught up in the moment. I’m sure you can appreciate the setting of impending doom and a beautiful evening. I’m sorry you had to see us physically express our feelings for one another.”

The stare I direct at the dark-haired figure attached to me probably looks as shocked as I feel. My eyes move between the two men.

”I for one am not sorry,” I spit without further thought, but Seungmin pays me no mind.

”Hwang, I can understand your… feelings for my sister. But she is going to be married after the war, and I’ll not have you ruin her reputation.”

”I’ll do no such thing.”

”I’m being sincere and realistic. She deserves good prospects.”

”And you don’t know mine.”

Silence. The only way a man could stand there with such confidence is if…

Could it be?

Is Hyunjin… is he wealthy?

My thoughts run back to my garden, to every moment I ever received any information about his family, to moments that might’ve hinted at a high status.

His skin, manners and speech give of a regal air, and his fingers had obviously never been forced into manual labour. But the uniform and the fact that he’s even at the front contradict the possibility of a respected lineage. Thesd are the families that don’t risk their heirs. And I’d never met anyone fabulously wealthy who didn’t brag about said fabulous wealth at every given chance.

What did I know before now?

”My mother loves flowers, I’m sure you’d get along.”

”My brother loves to read, I wish I was more like him.”

”My father took me hunting. I’m a fair shot, I just don’t enjoy it.”

I don’t like to pry, I don’t really ask questions. I feel its fair to let people tell me things on their own accord, but its also a habit that may explain why I don’t have many friends or even have lots of conversations. I don’t ask, but I’m always ready to listen.

These are the bits of information I remember getting, so not much.

I know Hyunjin’s favourite food, his tea of choice, his musical background and artistic tendencies. I don’t know his lineage, at least I never put it together before this very moment which now feels utterly ridiculous.

He’s a-

”Hwang,” Seungmin exhales, a look of realization frozen on his face. ”You’re the youngest son of the count.”

”I am.”

I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face by something that has been floating in front of it for a good while. Like a hand that’s approaching in slow motion so I actually did have the time to dodge.

The Hwang family is… well, how shall I put this? I’m the bad prospect in this situation. They’re an ancient, wealthy, respected superpower, a force in every circle that has any meaning in politics, business, military or international relations.

But how their son ended up in my greenhouse, and is now here, right now, holding my hand after giving me an orgasm, is beyond me.

He just moments ago let me believe that he was ”below” me, he let me believe it for weeks! Omitting - or even insinuating - a lower status which I now realize was never there. Then what did his comment about ”being worthy of me” even mean? Why am I being fingered by a count’s son in the woods?!

”You never told me,” I sigh in disbelief, a betrayed feeling creeping up to me. Hyunjin turns to look at me, eyes calm yet sad, like he knew this moment was coming and was prepared for it.

”I couldn’t. Petal, I-”

”Sir, I don’t know what to say,” Seungmin bows so deep the hamstring stretch must be extreme. ”I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.”

”You haven’t,” Hyunjin’s voice is quick and sharp, I assume as a reaction to Seungmin interrupting him, but he softens hastily turning back to him while keeping his grip on my hand firm. ”I did not make myself known.”

I don’t know what to feel. I haven’t been lied to because the question was never asked. Something has been hidden, but I never asked it to be shown. He’s much more than me, he’s higher than me, and worth more than me. At least thats what his family’s position dictates.

I don’t release the hold I have of his hand as my mind zooms around like a bee.

What does all this mean? Maybe he knows I’m below his ranking and is just playing the long-con game with me for sex? Maybe this is a strange rebellious phase he’ll outgrow as soon as he’s away from the front?

Or maybe, just maybe… he really doesn’t care about hierarchies or propriety as he told me less than an hour ago. Only the roles are reversed.

”Why?” I ask.

I don’t have to go through all the ”whys” in my head. He knows them without me specifying.

”I have to keep quiet so I don’t put a target on myself and the people around me. I have to lay low so our commander will allow me to stay. If I put the team or camp in danger this would all be counterproductive. I… I couldn’t risk you knowing.”

”But you’re already a Hwang. You haven’t changed your name.”

”No. But in my family I’m not Hwang Hyunjin. I’m Hwang Sam Hyun Jae of the Yuchun province, the North Star born on the 1000th solstice.”

Hyunjin’s voice carries the same regality as always, but there’s an edge to it. The words seem to gnaw at some deep resentment, almost something I’d dare call embarrassement. These honorifics have been repeated to him and by him countless times, I’m sure.

The night is nearly black, and I’m sure no one can make out who we are even from a small distance. The light of the lanterns doesn’t quite reach us at the border of the camp. Our shadows on the ground seem to be living a life if their own as the flicker of the small flames makes them shiver and shift.

I wish we were somewhere peaceful. I wish I’d find out about this someplace soft and neutral.

”I’ve stayed out of my family’s public image with great care and absolutely deliberately. I prefer it so. There are no recent photos of me, nor have I had portrait made since age 11, though my mother scolds me for it at least weekly. I really prefer it so.”

There’s obviously more he wants to say but can’t say it in front of my brother, who remains slightly bowed.

The Hwang family portraits are known across the country, mostly for their size and quantity.

”But despite my tour in the front going against my father’s wishes, I remain a part of my family and thus a worthy prospect for your sister, I hope. At the very least I won’t ruin her reputation, since my standing is high and my intentions pure.”

”Intentions?” I cock my head to the side.

Hyunjin’s eyes are so full of emotion and life I almost stagger back when they’re directed at me. All my creeping anger dissipates when he looks at me with such admiration.

”Yes, petal. We don’t have to decide anything now, I don’t need a reply, I don’t want you to feel cornered because this is happening much faster than I intended. And I’m so sorry for not telling you who I am. But I don’t want your brother thinking that I’m using you. And I want you to know I’m serious. My intentions with you are as pure as can be, I hope once this is all over, I’ll have the chance to properly propose to you and marry you.”

Seungmin makes a sound that resembles a chuckle. ”My sister marrying a Hwang, good lord, what a world,” he says quietly, so quietly that it’s more to himself.

I, however, am completely speechless. No noise comes out, and it’s not like Hyunjin needs an answer like he said, but I should say something. Anything. Just… nod. Something.

Finally, after staring at the brown, sweet gaze in front of me, I land on a squeeze of his hand and a soft ’okay’.

Would I say that if the situation was on its head? If he’d pretended to be noble or rich and then turned out to be something different? I’d hope I would. I want to believe my answer has nothing to do with compliancy to our hierarchy, or the aspect that he’s actually wealthy instead of what I previously believed. Am I letting him get away with a lie without consequence? Do I not care about how I’m treated? Or is this lie or omition understandable and easily forgivable?

I’m going with my first instinct at the moment, which is in turn very much affected by the adoring look I’m receiving.

”Okay?” Hyunjin visibly shivers and looks like he’s holding back from jumping. ”Oh petal, you’re so- ah, I’ve never been more determined to stay alive.”

His grip tightens for a moment before he straigthens up and turns back to my flabbergasted sibling.

”Mr. Kim, I’d like to re-introduce myself to your father, if you’d be so kind as to see if he’s still awake.”

He is.

”Sir, your daughter has caught my eye these past weeks, and I can’t help but declare my adoration toward her even though the timing is less than ideal. I hope you’ll consider allowing me to propose to her once our war efforts have been successful and we can return to a sense of normalcy.”

I feel like I’m just a painting on the wall, not even here.

Hyunjin explains his lineage and papa looks like he has been hit with a brick.

”I can’t believe I didn’t realize.”

”General, there are thousands if not millions of citizens who carry the name Hwang. I just decided to leave out the honorifics.”

”Why, pray tell,” the general suddenly gestures to the seat across from him with an air of equality despite their age gap. Seungmin sits next to him, hand around a mug of rum and a humble look on his face. Hyunjin sits into the seat and his new yet familiar role with ease, and I’m in the corner in a familiar role as an ornament.

I hate it, yet find solace in being able to see this moment from the outside so I can keep analyzing this entire transaction. While being slightly anxious about when father will finally spot me and tell me to exit.

”I find no honour in leading when I haven’t earned it. I’ve never found it to be in my blood. If there is a leader in me, I want to climb the ranks, as it were, with my fellow soldiers.”

The young man’s conviction matches the way he spoke of me just moments prior, and father can’t hide how impressed he is. I know the look though I receive it rarely.

”My father didn’t want me to join the front, as you can imagine, but we parted on good terms. The family blessings are still mine to use as I see fit.”

He’s offering up his station to show father he is to be taken seriously. And my father takes the offer without question, because… well why wouldn’t he? A man with wealth and prestige wishes to court his daughter. A dream come true.

Staring at the scene before me feels surreal and uneasy. I fiddle with my fingers and a lump begins to form, as Hyunjin seems to ignore me equally well compared to my father and brother. If this were our estate instead of a tent, it’d be a normal Tuesday in my life. If this is how he regards me when we’re with others, do I want it? He never felt like everyone else, but is he a repetition, a willing stereotype of the men in our circles? Does he have the same principles which are part of the reason I never asked father to get me into the balls and banquets?

Do I love him, or is he just a handsome stranger who likes flowers?

The conversation isn’t long, and soon ends with my father and brother standing up, bowing and shaking Hyunjin’s hand eagerly. Hyunjin responds with a small bow, and I can see from my family’s faces that this delights them greatly. Such an acknowledgement from a future count is an immense sign of respect.

They say their good nights, and Hyunjin finally sees me again. He looks… drained?

My blood is almost boiling, at least sizzling, when the cool night air washes over me. Seungmin quickly paces to his tent and I find myself eager to do the same even though there are matters I want cleared. I just don’t want to attack a count’s son.

But apparently I can’t help myself.

”You could’ve told me! All of this, you could’ve! I wouldn’t have said a thing! And what was that?” I point at father’s tent, backing away from Hyunjin’s as he tries to reach for me. ”You treated me like they always do, like a matter to be discussed, as if I’m furniture that needs to be moved from one room to another. This is all too much, it’s too much! I can’t believe you! Saying all these things about me to them, being so forward. It’s too much,” I stop and clutch my chest. ”You made feel so… so different and I felt so close to you but now there’s all this and I… I feel like a vortex is swallowing me and I can’t swim out.”

Hyunjin’s eyes are glossy as he tries to reach for me again. ”I’m so sorry,” he whispers, voice trembling. ”I hated every second of that. I just… I know how those situations work, I know how to win them over. I needed to make sure that we can keep meeting. I need you and want you.”

He takes a step.

”This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I’m so sorry. And I know I could’ve told you. All the reasons I said before are true. I’m just surprised nobody has made me yet… But I have a selfish reason for not telling you.”

I swallow and hold myself tighter, staying quiet to let him continue.

”I was afraid that you wouldn’t want me near you if you knew. I didn’t think you wanted stature, and I didn’t know if you’d heard the rumours and I couldn’t risk it-”

”Have me then.”

”Maybe someday,” he sighs in frustration.

I don’t understand.

”I want you now,” I state without much thought, hands sliding past his chest to wrap around his neck. I know what sex is in theory, I know what it means to a woman. I know I want Hyunjin to be my first.

Two eyes snap open to find mine, the evening sun covers everything with a deep ocra that seems to intensify Hyunjin’s already penetrating gaze.

”What?” he blurts, voice an octave higher. The contrast between it and his earlier deep groan is staggering.

Our bodies are so close I’m melting into him with each breath. His entire figure has gone as stiff as a tree trunk. My mind is blurred by the want I have for him at this moment, but behind the haze my brain goes into a state of slight panic. I can feel by body retreating in shame. Did I scare him? Was I too forward? Did I read him wrong? How could I have read him wrong? He literally just said-

”Petal,” he’s serious, sliding his arms up to grip around my torso, pulling me back to him and holding me there, steady, caring. ”We can’t. I want to, I- fuck, I want to, but we can’t.”

”Why?” I whisper and hope he didn’t notice the shiver that went through me when he cussed while saying he wants me. So much improper behaviour in the span of minutes. Papa would faint. ”If you want to and I do too, I’m saying yes, what else is there?”

”I… I think you deserve more,” he states. ”You, petal, you’re a lady. You shouldn’t be out here in the first place and I… I can’t in good conscience-”

I want to debate this, the feeling in my body begs me to, and yet, ”Hyunjin, if you’re not comfortable-”

”Please believe me when I say I want to,” his hands slither around me to my front and rise to frame my face. ”Please don’t think I don’t want you.” The kiss that follows is still hungry, still all-consuming, yet there’s clearly something being restrained.

I do believe him. My body feels the disappointment of something being so close being yanked away, like a flower being cut down just prior to opening. The metaphor feels slightly too on the nose. But I believe him and in his feelings toward me even more now. A man who is simply starved for any touch would’ve said anything to keep going, and maybe afterwards disregarded me entirely. If he’s the one restraining himself to take care of me, I can’t help but trust him further.

”I’d be happy with you anywhere,” I take his hands into mine and let them fall to swing on both sides of us. ”Among the trees and flowers is where I’m most at home, you know.”

His eyes light up suddenly, a sly yet bashful smile coming to view. He keeps our hands together and backs up, pulling me with him. I can’t believe how easy it is to be led by him, I’d go anywhere and do anything. But it doesn’t feel like control, it feels… it feels like freedom. Like the only form of freedom that matters.

”Petal,” he swings me around so my back rests against an old birch. Whatever it is we’re doing here, it’s smarter than doing anything where we last stood. Here we’re completely sheltered by the foliage. ”I’d like to try something with you that… I don’t know how to say it. I want- I thought we could try-”

”It’s okay,” I bring a hand to his chest. ”It’s you, so I’ll do it. Just… guide me, please.”

”Yes ma’am,” Hyunjin sighs with relief and leans closer. ”First,” he swallows, ”I just need to kiss you.”

As we become a tangled mess just like the roots of the tree I’m held against, the heat inside me becomes so magnified that I can’t keep quiet. My moans seem to make Hyunjin even more eager, and my suspicion is confirmed when his incredibly hard member presses against my thigh.

”Can you feel me?” he whispers with lips against my ear. I reply with a gasp as his large hand cups my breast and he moves against me, grazing my core through my trousers. ”This is how much I want you. Please remember we can stop at anytime, I-I promise- god you’re perfect.”

”I don’t want to stop, Hyunjin. Please, don’t.”

Hyunjin’s scent is like a fresh breeze. I can’t get enough of it, I want to drown in it, which is what it feels like when we’re close like this. There’s no stopping this plunge I’m taking, I have no thoughts in my brain that don’t involve him and this moment. So be it, I will it so.

To hell with Seungmin, any future engagements. I. Don’t. Care. I belong to Hyunjin right now, in these woods.

I’m so mezmerized by my current circumstances that the sound I make when he presses his fingers between my legs is one of gratitude rather that surprise. His eyes are intense yet gentle, focused on my expression and reactions.

I find some courage within my aroused state and bring both arms around his neck. ”Tell me what you had in mind, private Hwang?”

The gentle colour in his gaze leans to a darker shade, without disappearing entirely. ”I didn’t know ladies played like that,” he grins, dimples in full view. Adorable feature, just another reason to swoon right now.

”I- mmmh- I don’t feel like a lady right now,” I moan and feel my hips rolling off the bark behind me to chase his palm and fingers. ”Please… Jin… tell me.”

He seems almost bashful as he forms the thought, his fore and middle fingers never ceasing their teasing motion.

I’m so wet.

But his answer is anything but shy, the voice he conjures is dark and confident. ”We’re going to help each other.”

”Tell me you understand,” Hyunjin demands while shivering, obviously needing my approval.

”Yes, sir,” I whisper. I’m inexperienced, and he appears to not be. We’re on different levels, but he doesn’t seem to care or mind. Maybe he doesn’t notice?

Possibly not. He seems too nervous himself based on how his fingers shake as he brings his hand to my stomach, while his other arm supports him against the tree. The big being we’re counting on to keep us upright and hidden.

”I’m not ready to have you completely, I’m not worthy,” he professes as his hand slides beneath the band of my underwear and to my wet centre. I nearly spasm. ”But I would love to make you feel good, to find out a small list of things that make you tick. That make you… make some more of those incredible noises.”

”Ah!” I gasp when he finds a spot between my legs that hasn’t been touched before. ”B-But how-” I stammer between moans as he applies pressure while gently swirling his two digits around that small spot. Our foreheads are glued together. ”How is t-this- ah- helping you?”

”My entire world is better when you’re in my sight,” his words feel like a poem, a thought out one, but he nearly pants as he says them. ”And now I get to touch you. Petal, you help me by existing.”

His words and movements combined are creating a high like I’ve never felt. I’ve never done or experienced anything like this.

”Let me just…” he mumbles as a slender finger enters me slowly. ”So tight, darling, so wet and so tight just for me,” he groans, lost in his actions. The sensation is new and strange, but I remain relaxed, probably due to my body’s produced lubrication and the fact I’m with Hyunjin. He snaps back to focus suddenly and whispers, seriously, ”is this still okay?”

I mumble something that resembles a yes but he catches it as someone who seems to know me frighteningly well would.

He slides deeper and sets a pace which I instantly respond to. My body matches his movements with my pelvis. He’s so deep I can only imagine what his cock could do if I feel this full from just this alone. That thought sends me deeper in this erotic spiral I’m now swirling in.

My breathing is shallow.

He presses his thumb on that strange dot same as before and it feels like a small fire bellows in my lower abdomen. Past heavy eyelids I can see a sliver of the purple sunset behind Hyunjin. Just as the colours turn to a deep maroon, he adds another finger next to the one sliding in and begins curling them. Or maybe the colours changed after, I don’t know.

”Doing so well, petal, you’re so beautiful.”

Hyunjin kisses me while literally plunging his fingers in and out of me, hitting another strange spot whenever they find a c-shape. The two spots he expertly manouvers around trigger the fire and light it ablaze.

”Hyunjin, oh- oh my god,” I moan into his lips which still taste delicious. The kiss turns greedier when our tongues enter the play.

He swallows each prayer, each mention of his name, each moan, as if they’re something that sustains him. His fingers never cease, and as I separate from his lips for air and gaze down, I can see the veins on his forearm bulging.

It feels so good to be taken care of like this. To surrender like this. And I tell him as much with every sound I make as the blaze intensifies and I can’t contain it.

”So good, so perfect, fuck! I can feel you squeezing my fingers. Let go,” Hyunjin stares into my soul. ”Now.”

I comply. The curl in the right angle and the flick of his thumb on the right spot finally undo me.

My body surges forward to lean on my soldier’s strong-yet-bruised figure, a stiffled scream caught by his shoulder. I spasm against his now slowing hand.

I shatter and think I’ve gone blind.

”That’s it, you’re doing so good, such a perfect beauty.”

I keep shivering against him as his touch gently leaves the area he just discovered for me. A sweet kiss lands on my forehead and I suddenly realize how much I’m panting and sweating.

”What- I- What just happened?” I sigh before lifting my head long enough to catch my favorite lips in a kiss. Hyunjin chuckles (my favourite sound in the world) and guides me to sit down with him, once again finding sanctuary against the tree we’ve relied on.

I’m aware that I’ve just had my first orgasm, I just didn’t realize that’s actually what they were like. My body feels oddly relaxed and entirely new to me.

I also see Hyunjin’s body in a new light. His fingers and hands and lips especially, but I also notice the strain in his trousers remains. I want to take care of him like he did of me. My right hand descends to his thigh.

”Let me-”

”No, petal, it’s alright,” he stops me with both words and actions, as his long fingers now find they have to arrest me by my wrist. ”I meant what I said. And trust me, the mess is completely different. I’m satisfied if you are.”

I want to protest, because I’d like to keep going, but he looks steadfast. The accepting hum I give as a response makes him smile, and he pulls me even closer.

”Was that the firs-”

”Yes.”

”Petal, you didn’t know what I was-”

”Yes, I did. And yes. All of it.”

”Even the kiss?”

”Mhm,” I nod against his shoulder, eyes on the last strip of light quickly making its exit as the world turns to darkness around us. The makeshift lights in the encampment creep up to take their space as the only source of luminescense. ”Is that… Is that strange?”

”No!” he quickly replies. ”I’m… I’m honoured.”

”I don’t think they give medals for that.”

”They should.”

”Agreed, I’m sure you’d have them all when it comes to things of this nature.”

”I wouldn’t. You have to do the things to receive the appropriate medals.”

As the question swells in my head with lightning speed, I’m practically forced to lift my head. ”You mean you haven’t-”

”No ma’am. I’ve only kissed before.”

”I don’t believe you.”

”I’d never lie to you,” he smiles softly with such sincerity it makes my heart turn into a sappy puddle, and then brings a hand to frame my face. ”I just know a lot about… certain things. I also meant what I said. I don’t care about our circumstances, and I promise to do my best to be worthy of you, if you’ll have me.”

The word circumstances drags me down from my high delusion that what just happened suddenly made everything else disappear. It truly felt like it in that intimate bubble. In some perverted way, in my societal frames, I am now - at least partially - a ruined creature, something less valuable. I haven’t had intercourse, but I’ve spent time alone with a man who is not my husband or suitor, I’ve also kissed and been touched by a man who is neither. In addition to that, Hyunjin is not… he isn’t considered… I don’t care.

My expression must seem dire because this sweet soul is so quick to continue. ”But I truly don’t want you to feel pressured, I do understand you have your name and family to think about. I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, but I also promise I’ll never tell a soul what happened tonight and if you wish to forget it-”

I hastily lean in to kiss him as an attempt to bring him back from the ledge and to the thought of us, and to assure him I don’t wish to forget. I’ll never forget. If another bomb landed right now, I’d die feeling happy. In the span of an hour I’ve felt and heard the most romantic and intimate things I didn’t even think possible for someone like me.

”I don’t wish to forget,” I state, bringing my forehead against his.

Hyunjin opens his mouth to reply when a branch breaks.