but we love, still.

when we talk about rejection, most of the time we see it from the POV of the one that got rejected.

it might actually be equally bad for the other side.

when you're rejecting someone, suddenly all of your feelings don't feel valid. "you're not the one being rejected," people said.

suddenly, you're a bad person for not feeling the same. suddenly, you don't have the right to feel bad, cause you're the one causing a massive heartbreak to someone dear to you.

all of the sudden, your genuine care & gesture just turned into "they don't actually care for you" or "they are giving you mixed signals on purpose" or "i should've known, why would anyone even love me?"

in reality, it is equally sad.

the way you just felt like they want nothing to do with you anymore when you don't reciprocate feelings. the way you just lost someone that you actually care deeply, just not in that way. the way that you're suddenly walking on eggshells every time you meet them cause you're now afraid of overstepping boundaries. the way it got you thinking, "damn karma would get me sooner or later for this".

I think my belief about greater beings is more or less similar to how I perceive extraterrestrial life.

do i think they exist? i don’t know for sure.

can i say that it’s not there? not exactly.

my current struggle is to be content.

to be content of the way i am growing, 

to understand that growing slows and stagnates sometime.

to be content with who, where and what i am right now.

this past few weeks i’ve been feeling weird. i mean, i’ve always been, but now, even more :(

i really don’t think it’s the quarantine. i mean, i don’t really feel that much difference, but maybe, i’ve been thinking more and more about my future. 

it’s always been scary for me, i think i’ve been avoiding thinking about it since high school. i thought it was normal to not know what to do. i just wanna go with the flow. but after i graduated uni, things are becoming clearer that i really need to think about these things. there’re no more stalling by doing things that are ‘fixed’ (like school and uni). 

4 months into my job and i’ve never felt so lost. i don’t think this is what i want to do, but at the same time:

what is it that i want to do?

i was once really set on continuing my academic path and working on something that is related to my degree. but now, i’m not so sure anymore. i just feel like i’m not enough for that. not curious enough. not smart enough. not passionate enough. not diligent enough. not confident enough. even the thought of browsing for uni information scares me. i just.. don’t want to fail.

but at the same time, work hasn’t been the best.  i’ve been unproductive, uninspired, unhelpful. i sometimes even pity the company for having to pay for an employee like me. 

i know i shouldn’t have been keeping this mindset but how should i stop? i just feel so lost and purposeless, sometimes i wonder to myself: what’s the point of living?

i really don’t want to ask for much, i just want to feel unlost. 

or maybe that’s too much?

i don’t know. 

2019 has been one of the most reflective year i have ever had. university graduation–marking an end of another phase–is giving me time to think carefully about things happening for the past 4 years. this transition is unexpectedly hard. the space once filled with projects, marching band practices, and tests, is now left gaping open. most of those time are then, instinctively, used for reflecting, reevaluating, and... planning. planning was especially difficult. i have always been someone who goes with the flow. now that i have arrived at the river fork: which path should i take? admittedly, i haven’t got it all figured out even now, but i guess i’m doing better. 

here are the things i got from all those time i spent thinking:

look past the negatives

this doesn’t mean to ignore somebody’s wrongdoing (you can still remind them or in some cases, even reprimand them), but it is more about being the bigger person and not focusing only on someone’s bad side. i found out that the more you obsess over someone’s bad side, the wider the hate will spread and consume you. it is exhausting to carry all that negative energy hating someone’s existence and truthfully, it is unfair to judge someone only by their bad side. 

‘steal’ from everyone

that brings us to the next point: ‘steal’ from everyone. instead of focusing on their bad side, think of what good things you can learn from those people. if you have to interact with them anyway, isn’t it better if you can get something from that interaction (other than hate)? be resourceful, see everyone as fertilizers (because they may stink but they are useful lol) that you can use to grow even better. 

do not take things too personally

whether it’s a tweet or something that someone’s said to you, it is always wise to not take it too personally. sometimes, people are saying those things without any ill intend. maybe they are just sharing their thoughts or opinion. if you are offended by what they say, take your time to step back and rethink what you’re feeling (that sounds counterintuitive but hear me out). make it a habit to check whether you are being defensive, whether you are unconsciously comparing yourself to their standards. if you answered yes, the next step is to ask yourself, whether that standard affects you in any way. is it just someone’s preference or is it something that can help you to be a better person? depending on the answer, do these things accordingly: ignore or improve.

nothing-to-lose mindset

working in a place not appreciating your potential? go out and search for another place. doing something you don’t really enjoy? explore and step outside the comfort zone. don’t let the fear define your self-esteem, don’t let those “they think i couldn’t do this, maybe i really don’t”s limit yourself. life is too short to worry whether you could get “a job like this”, “a partner like this”, “a chance like this”. this is something that i am still learning and probably gonna be the mindset i bring to tackle 2020.

i’ll try to listen to them, validate what they feel so that they know that they are important. so when it comes the time they stumble across hurtful words, they would stand strong because they know how great they are.

the world are going to be harsher and harsher for them, i’ll teach them how to be stronger and stronger.

Toby Fox

This phrase hits home in a rather weird way.

It is not possible to ever recreate the same feeling—the same feeling of adoration, the same feeling of looking up to someone, 

the feeling of love.

but, there are lots of definition to those words. there are lots of way to feel.