log date 04 12 20: not looking to be found, i just want to feel 「unlost」
this past few weeks i’ve been feeling weird. i mean, i’ve always been, but now, even more :(
i really don’t think it’s the quarantine. i mean, i don’t really feel that much difference, but maybe, i’ve been thinking more and more about my future.
it’s always been scary for me, i think i’ve been avoiding thinking about it since high school. i thought it was normal to not know what to do. i just wanna go with the flow. but after i graduated uni, things are becoming clearer that i really need to think about these things. there’re no more stalling by doing things that are ‘fixed’ (like school and uni).
4 months into my job and i’ve never felt so lost. i don’t think this is what i want to do, but at the same time:
what is it that i want to do?
i was once really set on continuing my academic path and working on something that is related to my degree. but now, i’m not so sure anymore. i just feel like i’m not enough for that. not curious enough. not smart enough. not passionate enough. not diligent enough. not confident enough. even the thought of browsing for uni information scares me. i just.. don’t want to fail.
but at the same time, work hasn’t been the best. i’ve been unproductive, uninspired, unhelpful. i sometimes even pity the company for having to pay for an employee like me.
i know i shouldn’t have been keeping this mindset but how should i stop? i just feel so lost and purposeless, sometimes i wonder to myself: what’s the point of living?
i really don’t want to ask for much, i just want to feel unlost.
or maybe that’s too much?
i don’t know.
what should i do?
