Deathly Absurdities

Natural Hairstyles and Fashion

Yes please

experiment: reblog if you think laying on the floor is normal

Rock stations be like “We only do three things here, drink beer, watch sports, and play the hardest rock in the whole world, and if you don’t like it you can pull that tampon out of your vagina you girl” [plays Thunder by Imagine Dragons]

Alt stations be like “Tired of that tired pop station, welcome to your new alternative, where we only play the most left of the dial underground artists we can find” [plays Thunder by Imagine Dragons]

Throwback stations be like “We’re here to bring you all your favorite classics of decades past, doesn’t matter when, 70s, 80s, 90s, whatever takes you back to the days of old” [plays Thunder by Imagine Dragons]

I thought it was only here in the bay 

Look butthole

ye spread ye cheeks to the nearest mirror. inside ye butthole is a bottle of DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT SOAP

Take soap

ye attempteth to take ye soap out of ye butthole but ye buttholds fast

Look room

ye look around ye room. this is where ye sleep on a stinky matress without a bedframe or sheet to be found. on ye wall ye sees ye HUNKY FIRECHUNKS CALENDAR (2015), ye chest o'drawers has a record player with FLEETWOOD MAC - RUMOURS on the spindle, ye night stand has a small bottle of DR. BRONNER'S BUTTHOLE RELEASE cream. doors to ye bathroom and ye kitchen are both on ye north wall.

Use record player use record player

ye listen to the entirety of FLEETWOOD MAC - RUMOURS, playing THE CHAIN four times in a row, forgetting about ye minty butthole problems.

Look calendar

Ye narrator tires of using pseudo old timey speech and she suddenly abandons it. The HUNKY FIRECHUNKS CALENDAR is flipped to JULY 2015, on it there is a HUNKY FIRELAD, insanely toned wearing nothing but a fire helmet and a jock strap, he is partially submerged in a giant bowl of chili. Between his legs he straddles a large firehose, clearly a penis metaphor. His eyes look seductive but somehow, impatient. Like he has an important meeting to get to, a meeting with your genitals, perhaps? Oh also I guess you circled JULY, 17TH, 2015 for some reason but whatever.

Go kitchen

It's your kitchen. On your refrigerator sits a goblin. On the walls are two sexy calendars - both from 2015, one is SPICY FIREFIGHTIN' LASSES and the other is AGENDER ARSONISTS, maybe you wished to give the firefighters a purpose by giving them fires to fight? After all, what's a sexy hero without a sexy sexy villain? You don't have a stove, stop asking about the stove.

Hug goblin

You embrace the goblin. The goblin, touch starved, begins to cry on your shoulder.

There's this phenomenon where people are okay with the end result of something, but if they happen to see it while it's in progress, they absolutely freak out. I noticed this in the "but these names are MADE UP" thread: nowadays we don't bat an eye at Brittany and Madison, but watching other place names go through the process of becoming people names is cause for a pearl-clutching moral panic.

I’m sorry, but I can’t be overly happy with this. They’re selling these shirts for $14.99 a pop and making a killing, meanwhile they’ve extended an offer to cover his tuition as compensation. Great! We say, they’re recognising that they can’t just rip a fourth grader off and get away with it. Except they still can and they still have. He doesn’t get a free ride, he still needs to meet the entry requirements and maybe even more importantly, they’re not giving him an option. What if the uni doesn’t offer the course he wants? What if he’s no longer living in Tennessee? What if he just doesn’t want to go? Pay the kid, for fuck’s sake.

Republicans are disgusting. Here is your tyranny, brought to you by the cowards in the GOP Congress.

Please donate if you can!

Don’t feel bad if you’re sensitive to negative feedback because apparently after one particular bad review Hans Christian Andersen was found just sobbing while lying face down in the dirt

YOU LEFT OUT THE BEST PART THOUGH! HE WAS CRYING FACE DOWN IN THE DIRT IN CHARLES DICKENSEN´S YARD!!

WHERE HE HAD BEEN STAYING FOR WEEKS, LONG OVERSTAYING HIS WELCOME, AND WAS ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF DICKENS