Grow in the Dark

I spent two years writing this novel. An exaggeration, to be precise, because in the end I had 800 pages and had to split it up ^^'

The idea came to me based on the question of whether someone can learn empathy in retrospect. It's written like an anime, with both lovable and despicable characters, and revolves around Silas. After a three-year relationship, he's cheated on and dumped by Hadrian. The reason:

Silas is emotionally cold and interested in nothing but football. Should he change for a new potential partner?

Disgusting product placement:

JMS Books LLC - Empathy

GENRE: Gay Spicy Romance

LENGTH: 88,626 words

JMS BOOKS LLC

"Be black in chess" is easier said than done for aspiring soccer professional Silas Yanagida. His three-year relationship with Hadrian Nakata ends when Hadrian cheats on him. The reason: Silas is emotionally unavailable, cold, and distant, caring only about soccer, or so Hadrian claims. When Hadrian leaves, Silas’s world falls apart. Is he truly an emotionless monster? Left alone in Tokyo, cut off from friends at university, and without offers from the top league despite his youth national team status, Silas hits rock bottom. In the cafeteria, he meets Aiden Tago, a psychology student returning from mourning his parents. Silas gets a wild idea: Can empathy be learned? And who is better to teach him than Aiden?

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Chapter 2: Like a Prayer

Life in the cult is far less exhausting than Narinder had imagined.

Following his instructions (no—she had stolen his idea, just as she had stolen his Crown), the Lamb had introduced him as the representative of a large group searching for a new place to settle. As a result, every follower tried their hardest to make a good impression.

No one recognized him.

For one thing, shortly before her final encounter with the One Who Waits, the Lamb had performed the Brainwashing Ritual. The followers he later imprisoned and crucified had therefore found the whole ordeal hilariously entertaining. Hardly anyone remembered the earthquakes, the eye-shaped soap bubbles, or the Lamb's gigantic dancing partner.

For another, the moment the Lamb fired the final shot from her blunderbuss into him, his form shrank down until it disappeared completely beneath her woolly frame. Whatever was said or decided afterward escaped the eyes and ears of the intoxicated cult. Silently, the entire flock simply assumed that the Lamb—their Beast in Need, the Butcher of the Gods—had defeated and slaughtered the One Who Waits, as heroes in stories always did.

She had even had the audacity to introduce him by his real name. No one remembered the God of Death's name anymore. Those who had known it had either died in the meantime—or had never learned to read in the first place.

Chapter 2: Like a Prayer

Life in the cult is far less exhausting than Narinder had imagined.

Following his instructions (no—she had stolen his idea, just as she had stolen his Crown), the Lamb had introduced him as the representative of a large group searching for a new place to settle. As a result, every follower tried their hardest to make a good impression.

No one recognized him.

For one thing, shortly before her final encounter with the One Who Waits, the Lamb had performed the Brainwashing Ritual. The followers he later imprisoned and crucified had therefore found the whole ordeal hilariously entertaining. Hardly anyone remembered the earthquakes, the eye-shaped soap bubbles, or the Lamb's gigantic dancing partner.

For another, the moment the Lamb fired the final shot from her blunderbuss into him, his form shrank down until it disappeared completely beneath her woolly frame. Whatever was said or decided afterward escaped the eyes and ears of the intoxicated cult. Silently, the entire flock simply assumed that the Lamb—their Beast in Need, the Butcher of the Gods—had defeated and slaughtered the One Who Waits, as heroes in stories always did.

She had even had the audacity to introduce him by his real name. No one remembered the God of Death's name anymore. Those who had known it had either died in the meantime—or had never learned to read in the first place.

Narinder, of all people, is living in paradise. So why? Why does he feel worse with every passing day?

Chapter 20: Icarus

Summary:

Loki meets the Queen. Unspoken truths are exchanged.

Through rock, through stone, through ether, through heat, through blood, through humming, through darkness... gray, gray, gray... then black, then red, and gray again.

Dodge larvae, avoid enemies, cross abysses, prevent collisions, escape the eyes, forget the scent, suppress the fear.

Do not think. Do not think.

Like a ghost, Loki glided and felt his way through the fortress of the bees, scouting the immediate surroundings and losing all sense of time, beginning to feel like his own element: spirit.

It would be wonderful now to be nothing. To exist, floating in the ether, calmly going through the memories of his life, bringing order to the maelstrom of his thoughts. To close his eyes to the worlds without a care, disturbed by nothing, sleeping for millennia, unreachable.

No deaths, no terrible accidents, no screaming, suffering survivors. No wars with trembling earth, tons of explosives dropped onto maps that showed no humans, releasing the breath of death in every direction, no escape... no escape...

Chapter 20: Icarus

Summary:

Loki meets the Queen. Unspoken truths are exchanged.

Through rock, through stone, through ether, through heat, through blood, through humming, through darkness... gray, gray, gray... then black, then red, and gray again.

Dodge larvae, avoid enemies, cross abysses, prevent collisions, escape the eyes, forget the scent, suppress the fear.

Do not think. Do not think.

Like a ghost, Loki glided and felt his way through the fortress of the bees, scouting the immediate surroundings and losing all sense of time, beginning to feel like his own element: spirit.

It would be wonderful now to be nothing. To exist, floating in the ether, calmly going through the memories of his life, bringing order to the maelstrom of his thoughts. To close his eyes to the worlds without a care, disturbed by nothing, sleeping for millennia, unreachable.

No deaths, no terrible accidents, no screaming, suffering survivors. No wars with trembling earth, tons of explosives dropped onto maps that showed no humans, releasing the breath of death in every direction, no escape... no escape...

Life would mean nothing to him. How beautiful it would be to feel nothing and simply be a spirit. How long had he been wandering through this hive? Hours? Days?

Chapter 20: Icarus

Summary:

Loki meets the Queen. Unspoken truths are exchanged.

Through rock, through stone, through ether, through heat, through blood, through humming, through darkness... gray, gray, gray... then black, then red, and gray again.

Dodge larvae, avoid enemies, cross abysses, prevent collisions, escape the eyes, forget the scent, suppress the fear.

Do not think. Do not think.

Like a ghost, Loki glided and felt his way through the fortress of the bees, scouting the immediate surroundings and losing all sense of time, beginning to feel like his own element: spirit.

It would be wonderful now to be nothing. To exist, floating in the ether, calmly going through the memories of his life, bringing order to the maelstrom of his thoughts. To close his eyes to the worlds without a care, disturbed by nothing, sleeping for millennia, unreachable.

No deaths, no terrible accidents, no screaming, suffering survivors. No wars with trembling earth, tons of explosives dropped onto maps that showed no humans, releasing the breath of death in every direction, no escape... no escape...

Life would mean nothing to him. How beautiful it would be to feel nothing and simply be a spirit. How long had he been wandering through this hive? Hours? Days?

The world seemed cut off. As if he had fallen once again. Fallen god. Better than an angel. Yet on the same level as them when their blood touched the sinful earth. A Michael or Gabriel perhaps...

No, those names were already taken. By perfect little angels. Righteous bastards. Worthless fools. The entire lot of them.

They spoke of justice and then handed out such punishments to their followers.

They spoke of protection and allowed their protégés to go too far, until suddenly a barrier was placed in front of them, without warning, without giving them the chance to prove that they could change.

Like his father...

Chapter 20: Nobody's Listening

Summary:

Mike learns different truths.

Notes:

Triggerwarning: Description of traffic accident

Chapter Text

To summarize human emotions in concrete sentences and still arrive at a truly meaningful conclusion is difficult. We are, after all, creatures of communication, yet few of us willingly reveal our feelings. Whether someone practices an expressionless face in front of the mirror or silently reminds themselves in certain situations not to let their face betray what they feel—lest another person triumph by reading them like an open book—it is always, to some extent, about protecting one's inner self.

To summarize the full spectrum of human emotions would require an entire enterprise, with employees working overtime. Even attempting to capture the feelings experienced within a single hour would demand a lengthy account with countless subcategories.

"It depends on the situation," experts would say: the circumstances people are confronted with, the way they encounter them, and how they cope with them. Some situations are constantly changing and, just like moods, can suddenly transform into something entirely different.

Accounting for changing factors is difficult because we cannot see into the future.