♡ leina ♡

A production of ride the cyclone and everything is all fine (well not really fine because they're all well... you know... dead).

Ricky is played by Weird Al.

There are countless universes where we met under different circumstances.

There's many more where we never met at all.

There's a universe where I went to private school and you never left.

Objectively better than the one where you never returned.

There's a universe where we're two children in a ball pit who will never cross paths again.

There's one where we met on holiday and fell out of touch.

There's some where we're already famous, and a few where we're already dead.

There are many where we find each other, a dandelion and a clover fighting for space in the crack of a pavement.

Somewhere we're buddleia and lavender bushes being watered by an old lady.

There's a universe where I'm cursing your name.

There's one where you're crying over my grave.

There's one where we died on the exact same day.

There's a universe where we're even more mentally ill.

There's one where we're completely fine.

I know that you know you owe me nothing after everything.

Somewhere on our timeline, there is a three year old girl picking clovers in her burgundy corduroy dress. She knows a lot of words. She's scared that if she speaks them, people will laugh at her. Her parents kept a word from her, fearing she'd get the meaning wrong. She was fine about that, she thought, she knew enough words.

Somewhere more easily traceable on our timeline, there is an eighteen year old girl in her burgundy corduroy dress who spent her last summer picking and drying clovers. She knows a lot more words than she used to. She's scared that if she speaks them, she'll end up in a worse place than she started. She speaks them anyway; life's not worth the silence. Her parents eventually taught her the word. She'd known the meaning for years but appreciated the reassurance.

I turn 18 in a little over a month, and I'm scared. I'm not ready to become an adult yet as, having just recently processed my autism diagnosis (that was hidden from me for 14 years) I don't want to move on from a childhood I barely had.

I can't bring myself to not celebrate completely without thinking about my 15 year old self who got abandoned at the lunch table on her birthday. I finally have friends and I want to do something.

I guess I don't really know what to do.