Dream Life

My mom told me stories about her childhood where my grandma would take her to a hotdog stand and they would buy a hotdog to split, and that was their meal for the day. My mom said grandma never complained in front of her and always made everything seem so fun, she never realized they were poor until she grew up.

My nana met the man who raised my mom with her some years later. He’s always been the one I called grandpa, but we were never that close. My mom described how my grandma still saved every penny she could even after marrying my grandpa who made plenty of money. She went to work events with my grandpa while wearing second hand dresses she repaired herself, while the other women wore dresses worth thousands of dollars. My nana suddenly started voting conservative like my grandpa, but she never actually participated in political conversations or defended right wing politicians. She stayed silent, and acted constantly liberal in her every day life. My grandma suddenly became very depressed after my grandpa started staying much later at work and traveling for work more. The doctor said she needed more vitamin b. My mom once said she wondered if my grandma really was deficient, or if that grandpa cheated on my grandma like the first one did. Either way, she still smiled. She still kept the kids happy. She still spent all her time teaching kids in schools or volunteering at women’s shelters.

Her and my grandpa always got along, and I’m sure my grandpa loved her based on how he reacted after she passed. And I would feel wrong to assume my grandma changed herself for or just stayed in a marriage out of financial need without any proof. But the truth is- I’ve thought about it. I’m not sure. The truth is it would have been reasonable, it would have made sense. The truth is she lived in a world where that wouldn’t be rare at all and there’s no way to know for sure. She lived in a world where that’s just as likely, if not more, than staying with someone because you love them.

Because of will shenanigan my mom didn’t get all the inheritance my grandma saved up for her, but she got a fair chunk. My mom owns her own house, she’s financially stable and can soon get her teachers pension. She’ll be okay for the rest of her life even if her husband doesn’t support her. That’s something my grandma never had. She has it now because of my grandmas work and planning for that for my mother’s entire life until my grandma passed.

they've still never managed their own bank account;

they don't know what banks they are with, what bank accounts even exist, how much is in them, how to access them;

they don't know all their assets and liabilities;

they don't know the overall typical income or outgoing expenses;

they don't know who their utilities are with, whose name they're actually in (husband or joint), how much they cost, or how the bills are paid (direct debit, BPAY, etc.);

they don't know the pension and/or superannuation details.

They may know all the shit and they may even balance the household books, but the accounts are in only the deceased husband's name, none in hers or as joint accounts which may complicate some things with the estate, especially given that there's often no bank branches to visit and it's almost impossible to just call the banks and speak to a person

Can you imagine dealing with the loss of your husband and having close to zero idea about or simple-ish access to any of that?

empathy:

is responding to a person’s emotions by experiencing the same emotion as them (i.e. feeling sad when something sad happens to that person, or happy when something happy happens to that person.)

is an automatic response that cannot be controlled

cannot be learned

sympathy:

is recognizing that another person is in pain, even if you do not experience that pain, and offering comfort to that person

is something a person must actively choose to do

can be learned

compassion:

is showcasing care and support via words and actions

is something a person must actively choose to do

can be learned

if you need an example of a person with no empathy who practices sympathy and compassion, look no further than data from star trek: the next generation. he doesn’t have emotions at all, but he’s still kind to people and wants to help them.