Be proud of who you are, because I am proud of you. You did an amazing job! Look at you how far you have come.

I know it was not that easy, all the hardship and all those negative things that happened. But that lays in the past now. You are safe, you are loved. You bloomed more than you could ever imagine.

You are here, healthy, steady and accomplished so much. Nothing in your past matters anymore because you are not that person anymore. You are the best version of yourself right now and tomorrow? You will be even better. There will be no worse or looking back. Only looking forward and being the best.

YOU alone matter, that is why I am here for you. I am so proud of you.

Why is it so hard for me? I don't get it. No matter how often I try to be happy; things fail. i fail.

sitting here and not knowing what my life will look like, is scaring me to death. Afraid of being nothing.

Not knowing how it feels like to be loved genuinely. Not knowing how it will be without you. You came at the perfect time but left me at the worst. I know I scared you, because I am a lot of work. But wasn't i worth it? I thought we were soul bonded.

It‘s been one and a half month since you‘re gone and it still hurts like day one.

I still cannot comprehend how young you left us we had so much plans for the future. You‘ve had graduated this year but now you‘re an angel in heaven.

Every day I think about you and tears are covering my eyes and face. these questions in my head. these emotions i feel are chaotic. my sadness, my frustration, my grief… all of that overcome me every night i think of that day. I think of you. I think how future would be with you.

Why do I give the most of myself whilst others take advantage of me and aren’t there when I need someone.

I don’t need that much. Just a shoulder to cry on. I want to be heard, seen and noticed.

You took us the opportunity to complete each other.

To be there when it gets rough.

Your attitude destroyed not only us but also my soul. You destroyed every ounce of love and respect for you.

And now you accuse me of ending things. I didn’t end anything. You did. With all your behaviour and disrespectful attitude.

I end things for good, even though I suffered.

But now I know: suffering is temporary and the feeling of being myself again is worth more than you and anything else.

Why me?

Why do you use me like that? Did I deserve that?

Wasn’t I there for you? Every time you needed me? Wasn’t I enough?

But I guess I’m not worth it enough to be there at your most special moment.

You benefit from me while I genuinely like you for who you are.

But you use me. Now I see you replaced me.

Nevertheless thank you. You were a lesson.

You know what was painful? Not you wishing me death, Not you insulting me, Not you treating me like shit.

I think the root of my problems are you, mother.

All this time I thought it was my father who gave me these issues, but in reality it was you.

You broke me from the inside and tried to create yourself someone who you can vent to. Who you can use as a trash can of emotions. You created a modified version of you, so I can be your emotional slave. Who supports you in every situation, let’s you feel in that specific way you want to. And if I spoke up for myself, you tried to suppress my feelings by invalidating them.

You are never wrong, are you?

Today I visited your home, but you were not here. I searched everywhere but could not find you anywhere.

The only thing I found, were my memories with you in this house. You scent was here, but nobody besides me noticed. My childhood slipped away while seeing your husband with his new wife.

How dare he? Less than one year he found her and replaced you. Everyone seems so okay with this but I cannot betray you. While eating at the table, the only thing I sensed was my strength to hold my tears back. How difficult this was, although I am so good in holding back my emotions.

You were not here today.

I liked you a lot, I was there for you, I helped you.

I don’t say that to make me feel superior, but rather I gave up on everyone while you’ve put everyone prior than me.

This one is different because you harmed me.

You’re the reason why I cry so often, why I harm myself, why I’m losing my sanity.

I hate you but at the same time I love you. You aren’t able to love. You destroy and that’s your issue. Fix it. This can’t be love.