A Note from your Substitute

“How much glue would it take to fill this room?”

“Your hair isn’t curly, and it’s not even that lo -”  “MY HAIR IS BOUND BY THE ETERNAL DARKNESS.”

“Technically, you don’t have to be here right now.”   “Sweet. See ya.”

“Hey, can I borrow thirty-one thousand dollars?”

“Carl needs to die.”

“I think the first thing on my Facebook page should be: SAVE THE TREES, SAVE THE BEES.”

“Oh my god, new Justin Timberlake song!! Yay!!! Except it sucks.”

“I’ve been having nightmares about that starfish costume.”

because i can thats why

“SATs don’t mean shit; it’s like believing in Scientology.”

“Kick him in the groin and tell him you only date older men, not little boys.”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT SPACE HELL.”

“This is the only school where we can have a bomb threat, two gas leaks, a shooting threat, and a teacher revealed to be a pedophile and still not get sent home.”

“E-mail him back and tell him he has no bolas.”

“You all never shut up, if an active shooter comes into this building they’ll come to us first.”

“If a shooter comes in during 4th hour I’m going to text my mother that I love her and accept my death.”

“You can’t rely on British prejudice for these things.”

“I eat people.”

“I told him his twos looked like Z’s, and he said, ‘say that to my face’ and so I did.“

“Whenever Lincoln dies, I cry.”

“A guy from my work gave me 100 dollars to buy a weighted vest.”

“Do you want to make a suicide pact in case we get snowed in at school and have to be stuck with these people?”

“I hate how you bullshit through life, but it’s quality bullshit.”

“Five pages every day for six months and I finished Watership Down.”

“Here you go, you damn hetero.”

“LISTEN, I DIDN’T GO TO CARTOGRAPHY SCHOOL AND IF I DID I’D MAKE BETTER MONEY AND BE RESPECTED ON A DAILY BASIS.”