The Road to Nowhere Leads to Me...

tumblr is like are you SURE you want to look at this blog you’ve followed for 4 years it contains adult content now

heres a joke: my father

They snuck it through while the rest of us were asleep

Darling

Face all challenges with a shot of vodka and “I’ll fucking do it, darling.”

the fact that lights don’t start flickering ominously and short-circuiting whenever i’m upset is maximally unsexy and not at all excellent if you ask me

Your face is so beautiful dappled with blood.

sorry i’m late, professor. im disenchanted with the human experience and waking up every morning thrusts me into an instant existential crisis

If this is truly a quote, I need to watch kids cooking shows all the time. *dying*

SHES BLEPPING IN THE LAST PHOTO HELP ME

get a girl who scratches your back and plays with your hair even after you’re asleep

love how kids introduce themselves like “hello im johnny im five years old i know how to read” yeah cool i didnt ask for your life story asshole

writing BDSM fanfiction about stephanie myer’s twilight series and then turning it into a bestseller erotica trilogy that somehow manages to be both more popular and more universally hated for its terrible writing than stephanie myer’s twilight series is the definition of “weird flex but okay”