AnnaisTruth

So dear blog, another update from me.. again written on the toilet, though this time it is a slightly different toilet. It is the toilet of my apartment. I have been living in this, my apartment, for a little more than one month. I think.

  Okay so another update in my dear blog diary, again written in my bathroom… sitting on the toilet. There’s something genuinely relaxing about writing this while in my bathroom, it’s like I can only share the truths of my life when I’m not wearing pants.

Is that weird? Are you weirded out yet?

Aaaand I’m back. My school ended and boy do I miss it already. It’s like the school’s students had become my brothers and sisters and the teachers my parents! The first day after having come back I cried all day long! :/ I never thought I’d miss a school as much as I miss this one now! But now that I am back from school I can update more often again, so I’m looking forward to that. I can also get back to writing more, Lord knows that my followers on my writing pages have been raging that I haven’t uploaded anything for two months. For the latest boy drama in my life, read to the end ;) 

I have grown closer to the idea of actually becoming like … best friends with someone… Christ Nolongerlonghair has compromised my situation here… turns out, and I’ve known this for a very long time, that Nolongerlonghair hates one of my friends… and well I am sorta becoming best friends with this person, let’s call him curlsareforgirls…

Well she told me, when he first contacted me via facebook (he wrote this endearing sweet sweet message about how he kinda liked me and stuff, I know cute right?) that she didn’t want to ever be seen near him if I befriended him… and I got, not gonna lie here, really really offended by her snobbyness (again sorry nolongerlonghair) in fact as I am writing this I get kinda mad at her... okay so her reason for not wanting to even learn anything about this guy? Let me tell you:

Dear blog, I am way over the guy I talked about last time. It is so freaking over. I mean I cannot even begin to describe how over that shit is. He is completely wrong for me! The Anna effect of course happened and exactly 14 days after I had started liking him, I stopped overnight. He was the worst kisser I’ve ever had the displeasure of kissing with. And I have kissed a lot of people.. I mean a lot. I cannot even count the amount on two hands.. I think it’s over 40.. And still he takes the price of being absolutely horrible! I’d like to think of myself as not being shallow, but the bad kiss might have had something to do with me not liking him anymore.

  So I’ve been at my school for 11 days now, and I think I’ve already almost sort of got a boyfriend… Yeah I know, what the hell right!? I mean I never in my life expected it to bet his easy to get a guy to like me. we talked for the first time on the 13th, and it was just like we clicked. We have a lot in common and to be honest the first many days I just thought we were heading towards an awesome friendship. But then on the party that was held at the school on the 18th we really got to talking and dancing and drinking. It was like it was meant to happen, I know it sounds totally cheesy but it’s the truth.

Oh and by the way the norwegianguy is okay, I mean I don’t talk to him that often and he sometimes acts like he’s better than the rest of us, but he okay on the bottom.

We shared a bed that night, I mean his roommate was so drunk and it just kind of happened. One minute we were talking about how he didn’t want to go to his room and the next we were in my room.

We didn’t have sex, but we talked for a long time… I can’t really remember what we talked about but I remember thinking that I could stay like that forever. The next day he snuck out of mine and Chia Yu’s room to avoid being caught and looking like we’d hooked up that fast. He was seen though. I mean I get why people would talk, it is like too early to be hooking up and forming relationships with people already. It’s not even been a month. It didn’t stop us from sleeping in my bed again two nights ago though… I mean all this sneaking around is kinda funny and exciting…. And then on the other hand I am worried. It has not been that long, and I practically know nothing about him. I am both worried about what people will think and say.. an already say… but also I am worried about how he is when I get to know the real him. It is said that people in public highschool hook up like rabbits and then only stay together for a week… and I don’t want to add to that statistic. I could see myself in a serious relationship with him, and I think that is why I am holding back on the hooking up part. We haven’t even kissed yet, but lord help me we’ve been majorly close to kissing a fair few times already… I don’t know what’s gone into me, I could practically have died from a heart attack when he looked at me today. Seriously he’s got me falling like crazy, I don’t think I’d be able to stay away even if he told me to. And the other night when we were drunk and sleeping in my bed, he touched me… not like in a creepy way but in a nice way… like he was getting to know my body, and lord he got me so wet I thought I’d gotten my period. I mean I had to go to the bathroom to check. Jesus. And we talked and he told me that he’d never met any girl as awesome as me, and I was like I can mention like 20 girls in this school even I would get with, so I cannot help but wonder what make me so special to him? Is he trying to just use me because I might seem easy? Or is he simply into weird bitches with body issues?? Hmmm let’s talk later dear blog, for I must stop thinking about this now.

L’appel du vide.

That is what it’s called when you have a feeling of wanting to self-destruct. Like when you’re standing on a very tall building and you wonder what it would be like if you just jumped…. Not that you would ever do it of course. You know full and well that you wouldn’t do it… but your mind still wonders. I experience this a lot, this urge to self-destruct.

Dear blog I am proud to say that I am now at my public high school. I met my roommate, she is very nice. She is from Taiwan and she is 25 and 1.50 meters tall. Might I add that I am 1.73 meters tall… She is super funny and I believe we’re off to a good start. It’s been a hectic day and I am actually really tired and it’s not even midnight yet. I thought I would be scared or sad that I’ve left home like this, but so far I’ve talked to a lot of nice people. I met a guy from Prague, he was very nice and he offered me tea. I’ve never had a guy offer me tea before, so I was very pleased and excited about that!

So far I’ve seen a lot of cute guys, PragueGuy is one of them… there’s a pretty hot Norwegian guy here, but I think he’s the kind of guy who knows that he’s hot and thereby acts like a total bitch… but later judgments will tell if my assumption is correct.   A disturbing fact is however that I find that there’s already two teachers on this school I’d definitely go for, if I was given the chance… and one of them is a pottery teacher… I might have to get into potterey just to test the waters and see if there’s a chance *insert winky face that is also a little disgusted by itself… The pottery teacher is an old man with a big beard and he smokes a pipe.. yeah I know this is a new kind of disturbed…. I am just so fascinated by his beard and his pipe.. and I’d like to see what other than clay his fingers could sculpt… if you get my drift *winky face.

For starters I made a list of things to do before I die, and the list like the rest of my life is a work in progress.

  This is what I have put on my list so far:

Bang a teacher kiss a French guy

Leave my country and my safe zone without my parents

Try getting high on mushrooms

Have blue hair

Find out what I want to do with my life

Love someone, break my condition and give all of myself to one person who’ll give everything of themselves back.

Stand my ground and not change my limits to accommodate people around me.

Have a proper and enjoyable threesome

Get it on with a girl

Create something I can truly be proud of

Kiss a celebrity.

    And not for the things I have done so far:

Bang a teacher x

Get high on mushrooms x x I allow myself to put two ‘x’es on this one because I’ve done it twice now.

  I have a long way to go, I know and the list is ever growing… and hopefully I as a person will to still be growing.

I will take this time to introduce a few new things to my list. I want to stress that this is not my new year’s resolutions; this is stuff I want to accomplish before I leave this planet.

  Stop worrying about myself in too deep layers, worrying about my own sanity could take up three lifetimes, and I am not willing to waste life like that.

Live more in the ‘now’. It may inspire stupid decisions… but I’d rather be young, naïve and stupid than live my life with regrets of never living… do I even make sense?

Have brown hair. Yeah I know.

Walk where the cast of lotr have walked in New Zealand

Accept that I am me, for all of my body fat I will never in my days be a skinny model, so accepting myself fully is a must for me to be happy in my skin.

Try acting, it does not have to be anything great or even something that is shown to people I just want to try acting-class.

Make a movie, or maybe a sketch… I want to try both being in front of the camera (see above task) and standing behind it and filming other people.

Sing in front of others. Again this does not have to be a big crowd, I just believe that this is something that a person with stage-fright should overcome one day.

Accept that it is okay to look up to someone and own up to it when I admire someone’s integrity or talent. It is not shameful to be impressed by other’s talents and I should really stop feeling ashamed and secretive about it.

Be true to myself… and work on creating a sense of self that I do not have to or want to alter because of my surroundings. I am tired of being a chameleon in society… I adapt too much to my surroundings and become a walking clone of the influences I meet. I want to be able to just say “I know that you feel that way but I don’t” instead of always hiding my own feelings and thoughts to pretend that I agree with everyone on everything.

  Okay that was that. I’ve been harboring a lot of these for a long time, feels nice to just write it down and be rid of this. I now have 22 things to do before I die… minus the two I have already done… I don’t know what to say now… I guess I should say thank you blog. Thank you for a good couple of months and I look forward to writing in you as I go along through the next year. I never really knew or believed it when people told me that having a diary would be really therapeutic and nice, but I have learned that I could not stop writing in you even if I tried.

It is the first day in the New Year 2014 as I am writing this, and finally I am feeling that I have actually changed over the last year. Every New Year I sit at home and feel that nothing has changed, but this year a lot of things changed a whole lot. 2013 was the year that I finally grew up and became an adult.

Becoming an adult at the age of 20 is kind of weird, but I can tell you dear blog that my oldest brother is turning 25 in February and he is not yet an adult… let that sink in for a while.

  I will have to be going in a while. I just wanted to make this post for myself. I hope that 2014 will bring much happiness and be the year where I figure out what education I will take, and start the education or at least try out for it. On the 12th of January I will start my 22 weeks public high school stay, I can’t really describe what a public high school stay is because it is something we only have in my country… I think… the term public high school has been used for it because it is what comes closest to it, but it doesn’t really describe it properly.  I think that will be fun, my stay there that is… people who’ve done it say that it was the best decision of their life… I hope it will be the best of mine too.

On the 22nd December Anna2 send me a message on Facebook. She asked if I wanted to come over and make pancakes… and I assumed automatically that she also wanted to get high. I’ve been craving an escape from my life for a good long while so of course I said yes.  And that is how I ended up getting high off my tits on an evening that I was supposed to spend with my family. I felt extra philosophical while high so I grabbed my phone and this is what I wrote:

And I was sitting there at loss for words… I was so at peace for the first time in a very long time. Anna2 curled up under the same duvet as me and just as high and calm as me. Listening to quiet romantic music and there was just no words needed. So warm and numb from all of the shit that has been happening in the rest of the world... or at least my world. With all the things that have been happening and my lack of emptions about it it was just nice to be at peace with it and not always ponder my lack of emotions.

   On the 23rd I packed up with my mom and we went to our vacation house for the Christmas… I’ve been without the internet for a while and it hasn’t been all that bad actually. I went on another date with Smilesandsixpacks and I don’t think I want to root for a third one… unless of course I get really lonely. I don’t know, I just don’t find his face attractive and I don’t really find him funny to be with… I mean he wanted to kiss a lot and every time he wanted to kiss me I just felt like I had no choice… I didn’t really feel the need to kiss him back. Anyway I am going to school in a few days, maybe I’ll meet someone nice there so I don’t want to get tied down… or at least that’s the excuse I’ve used on everyone else. I guess some of the truth came out while I was high on the 22nd… I feel superior to Smilesandsixpacks and that must be the reason why I don’t like him. You know that feeling that makes you dizzy in all the right ways when a guy (or girl) you like looks at you in that special way? When stars appear in your vision and you feel like throwing up and laughing about it? That sign that you are really into someone… I don’t feel any of that towards Smilesandsixpacks, and I know when I usually talk here on my blog I seem crude and uncivilized and completely without the need for emotions… but when Smilesandsixpacks looks at me I just feel nothing. I’ve done shrooms and he hasn’t. He is kinda stupid and I am kinda smart. I have grades in the high end of the scale and he is touching the bottom of the scale. I don’t know why this bothers me so much… I mean maybe it’s just him who is bothering me and not his intellect. And I certainly don’t know why I cannot just like him; I mean he’s a decent guy. Truth be told I never really felt anything about him… other than unsure and insecure. My oldest brother has everything. I am jealous and angry; I am not ashamed to admit that here on my blog. I’d never say it out loud of course. But I am. I am uncontrollably jealous of my brother’s life. He is so easy to figure out; he had the best grades and every opportunity in the world. He is nearly done with vet school and he has a girlfriend he is moving in with and they are already talking about kids and a house and marriage. His girlfriend is nice… I like her… I might have had a bit of a crush on her… but it is because she is so perfect and nice. I kind of hate it he always has to seem so fucking perfect. He is a bully; he bullies me and my other brother at every chance he gets. My other brother is downright evil. He knows where my weak spots are and he prods and pokes me till I break. I’ve been bullied by this brother for years on end; my parents could not do anything about it. And I am just supposed to forget it and move on? Truth be told it hurts me a little every time I lay my eyes on my brothers.

Anna2 wants me to move in with her in the city she is studying in and there are just so many reasons why that is a bad idea. She is undependable she is irresponsible, she treats me bad, she is unstable and she is a drug addict… I know people say that you can’t get addicted to pot… but she sure needs it every day. Lately I’ve been thinking about whether or not I am insane or at least on some level not normal in my head… I have yet to discover if I am insane… but it sure as hell feels like it right now.

There’s something immensely therapeutic about writing in your diary while you’re sitting on the toilet. This is something I have discovered within the last few weeks. It’s just nice.

I’m going to a Christmas party tonight as a sort of reunion for old students… all my former teachers will be there… this is going to be so fucking awkward… and my mission for tonight is to be mega fucking hot and be all like cold shoulder, hmm hmm snap snap. <-- I’m trying to be ghetto, if you couldn’t figure that out. 

So after tonight I might be ready to die, I mean all of my teachers and me drunk… this is bound to get embarrassing and humiliating. Oh well what’s life if you don’t live it, right? 

Be warned, this entry will be very TMI. 

So… how on God’s green earth did I manage to ’capture’ another guy in my web? I do not understand what it is guys see in me lately. I swear it is a mystery to me, like I have been  completely honest with every guy I’ve met (that is the last three guys, met them all within this past week) and every one of them have been texting me and wanting to get with me. so I’ve decided to be honest with people when I meet them because I am tired of being called a bitch when I suddenly don’t any interest in them anymore… but this truth telling crap might turn out to be bullshit. See I tell guys that I won’t have any interest in them after a few days, and to be honest the last few guys I’ve met haven’t even lasted three days… I fear that I am deteriorating in my inability to stand people… the first guy I talked to where I told him the truth (that I wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore after a few days) I’d already lost interest in him a mere 24 hours after meeting him…

The second guy was also the biggest mistake, see this guy has been a close friend for about 3 years. I was just hanging out with him as friends do… three days in a row. Now here is when shit gets weird… like, this guy and I we never really talked all that much, but one day I just met him at a party and then we started talking again. and having not really hung out with him all that much, it was weird for me suddenly hanging out with him three days in a row… it was just.. Weird. anyway, so I don’t know what the hell went wrong in his head, but he suddenly just turned my head and kissed me… and I really didn’t want that from him, like he is my friend, like brother almost. I felt bad though… he must have thought that I have feelings for him because of all the time I’ve spent with him lately. I don’t have feelings for him, I just couldn’t stand being at home.. he was my escape, and now that he thinks I’m his next potential girlfriend I just had to get myself out of there. (He has a history of getting almost engaged with girls and then cheating on them)

Well my plans to stay away from him didn’t hold through… I was out drinking, just two days ago. I was supposed to stay with Anna2 and crash on her couch… but we met Mathhottie in a bar and she got so freaking horny that apparently bailing on me was the best option for her… so she fucking tried to get me hooked up with everyone. She also tried to convince me to get into a threesome with Mathhottie and her.. Well fuck no thank you. I said before and I’ll say it again, I’m not going down that road… it was tempting though, because she offered me weed… am I really that easy, I mean there was a moment when I seriously considered it just to get high off my tits. like I said, my home situation is really fucked up right now.. and getting really high helps a lot. It just makes everything more… ok I guess.

So I crashed at this friend-guy because Anna2 felt the immense fucking need to hump Mathhottie. This guy now thinks we have something lovely and uncommitted.. well I’d feel bad telling him that I don’t really like him or any of the things we do… I’m just glad I haven’t had sex with him… or maybe I’d like that… I think he’d be really awesome at it because he’s had so many girlfriends… also he’s kind of aggressive… I’m sure he could fuck the living shit out of me… and that would actually be awesome…

Okay so the last guy was a guy I met that same evening I’d talked to him for a while and he was kinda nice and all. But when he told me that he practically loved me and asked for my number and a kiss I told him no. I didn’t even give him my number… I used to give everyone my number…

Well anyway, Smilesandsixpacks drunk called me the same evening… and I am sat here now wanting to actually go see him.. I kinda miss him, and then again I really don’t miss him at all.

So I just had a cry. It is 6 days since my stupid shit fuck birthday, and I am delayed crying over it. I had been happy just ignoring the goddamn day, but my friend asked about it today. She asked me what I got and if it had been a good day… she was nervous about it because I hadn’t talked about it… well I told her the truth, I told her that it had sucked donkey ass. She was sad for me, and couldn’t believe how a birthday could go so wrong. To tell you the truth this year was better than the last.

Today I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would not celebrate my next birthday at home, I will not cry over my next birthday. My next birthday will be better, I swear it will.

I don’t have anything else to say…

My mother is disappointed in me again. it is all because of this stupid thing I have with guys and being unable to form a relationship. I think I push myself so far into believing that I like guys (when clearly I don’t) because my mom really wants me to have a relationship… sigh… I just want to be without complications… I don’t want all that drama, and drama follows me around these days.. I’ll come back another day, when I have something more interesting to say.

--.-- Okay so all this happened so long ago, I don’t even wanna update all da dates yo. --.--

My blog, so much has happened since we last conversed.

Two days ago… Thursday… I went drinking in the closest big city with my friend. It was crazy. It was a really spontaneous move to make… you know just jumping on a bus and going to the city to go clubbing.

I had a good time meeting new people… It was Angelhair mc. Puriton who invited me, so naturally I hung out with him and his friends. It was a little awkward, because I really didn’t talk that much to him. I had told him that I was done with whatever we had had… and it was maybe a little cruel to take him up on his invitation to go drinking… but he offered… and I really couldn’t care less about what he thought it meant. I think he thought it meant that we’d be together… but yeah… that didn’t happen. In fact… the exact opposite happened. I met a guy, a nice and sweet guy who wasn’t afraid of taking what he wanted and didn’t really feel the need to ask permission.

I’m getting ahead of myself here… so to sum it all up: I went clubbing with my friend and Angelhair mc. Puriton. I didn’t really talk to Angelhair mc. Puriton… but his friends apparently thought that we were an item. So I was sat there with them all, and then at some point this girl he knows comes over and just so obviously makes a move on him. She was so drunk and so obvious… and he just gave this very nervous look as if to say ‘I didn’t ask for this’ and I just laughed. If anything I found it funny. My friend wasn’t really one for drinking… she knows about me and Angelhair mc. Puriton, and she spent most of the evening talking to him while I talked to the guy I met.

Well we are now at the interesting part of this tale of too many drinks… when this guy came and sat down at our table with his friends. Let’s call this guy SmilesandSixpacks (I have stalked his facebook pictures and yes… the boy really has a sixpack)

Getting ahead again: so SmilesandSixpacks comes and sits down with us, and I immediately befriend his friends… they are awesome and funny people and I am included in their plan of getting SmilesandSixpacks really fucking hammered… he apparently never gets that drunk. My friend and I completely let the desperate girl   have Angelhair mc. Puriton and we start getting this new guy drunk… I was amazed at how easily and effortlessly I clicked with this guy… it was like the conversation just had a natural flow… like there was no hurry. We talked about this and that and well when the time came where Angelhair mc. Puriton decided we’d move on I invited him to come with us, he was very happy and followed us instantly.

We stayed at the new place for a little before we moved on to the next, I had SmilesandSixpacks with me at every place… and right before we entered the next bar I gestured for him to follow me down to the bathrooms. We only had a few seconds to ourselves and he really didn’t ask before he just lightly pushed me against the nearest wall and kissed me.  It was so nice and refreshing that he could just take initiative like that.

So the night goes on and we get more and more comfortable with each other… I ask him if he’s smoked weed before and he tells me yes… I guess I am glad that he was honest and well I am happy that he’s tried a few things there because it would really suck for me if he was totally strict about smoking weed when I’ve done it a few times now and liked it. don’t worry he hasn’t tried anything other than weed and cigarettes… which is good too. Like I don’t want to get involved with a guy who’s done hard drugs.

I in my drunkenness told him about the pot, the hash the shrooms and my being a bit gay sometimes… I told him about Anna2 well I just told him I’d had sex with her… no need to tell him about the whole threesome with a teacher part… no need for that…

So time pretty much blurs and I don’t know in what order things happened after that (yes I was drunk out of my mind) Angelhair mc. Puriton left to go home, I danced with SmilesandSixpacks, I snogged with SmilesandSixpacks… and then I met a girl from my boarding school (this girl deserves a blog post of her own because of how much she has influenced my life, she was my first kiss, first snog and first girl crush, we have a history of snogging with each other every time we get drunk near one another)

So naturally I snogged this girl, like we always do, Smilesandsixpacks didn’t seem to mind at all, in fact I think he liked it a lot.

My friend however thought it was very weird and unnecessary, I don’t know… she seemed very offended by it. but everyone else liked it, I liked it and the girl I snogged really liked it, she said that she had missed me and really still liked me… I mean if everyone else didn’t mind… it shouldn’t really matter that nolongerlonghair hated it, like fuck that, and fuck her for being so narrow minded.  I mean it’s not like we had sex right there in front of her… we just danced and made out like worn out drunk lesbians… well at some point Smilesandsixpacks goes outside to smoke a bit, and when I ask nolongerlonghair if she has seen him, she just looks at me and says that he saw it all (meaning me and the girl snogging) and that he was so angry and hurt that he left. I was very sad about that, y’know the drunkenness is like making a bigger deal out of everything, so I was very sad and went out to find him and apologize. Well I did find him, outside smoking with his friends…. So I asked him if he was alright and if he was mad at me. he looked at me confused and I told him what nolongerlonghair had told me, and he laughed at me.

So apparently he was 100% fine with that, and he had apparently snogged his best mate to make me understand, but I don’t remember that (and I regret not remembering that so much right now… would’ve been hot as hell)

  --- can I just take a moment to say that I am not wearing underwear as I am writing this naked in my bed… yeah I know too much information right?? Hah! Deal with it hun!----

  So I found a guy who was as relaxed about snogging as I was, it was definitely a plus. The night pretty much goes slow after that… like we crash at a friend’s place as an afterparty. I snog a little more with the girl and then Smilesandsixpacks. So… yeah that was that night. I mean at some point nolongerlonghair gets me to a bus and makes sure we get home alright.

So we will continue this epic tale in the next blog… because now comes the time of nearly falling in love with Smilesandsixpacks and falling out of it again to where I am now… in a weird state of liking him and not wanting to be near him… damn this I complicated shit ya know.

So…

It’s my birthday today, yup, officially 20 yrs old now. I am no longer a teenager, and to be honest I feel as if nothing has changed… I am also sitting on the toilet while writing this, to much information? I don’t think so hun. Actually I just laughed out loud at that, hah! What a loser sitting on the toilet and writing in her diary on her birthday!

So.. birthday… I don’t know what is wrong with me, but this year and last year I really felt sad on my birthday, this year I have not yet cried, which is good. Last year I cried a lot on my birthday, and I nearly did this year too… I was fearing that a tradition was built, but I’ll go to bed early to avoid crying… yeah out-smarting myself over here!! Can I get someprops? What whaaat gangstaa.

Maybe it’s a fear of getting older… or maybe I’m just fucking weird. Birthdays are supposed to bring the family together in celebration of the birth of a loved one… but I always feel that my birthday distances me from my family. Like I will get all melancholy on my birthday and think all the big thoughts, like, what am I doing with my life right now… where am I going… what is the meaning of it all.

So I just got off the phone with one of my brothers, he lives kinda far away so it was nice to hear from him. My other brother on the other hand completely forgot about my birthday… so yea…

Am I being ungrateful? I mean it was a 20th birthday and I got two nail polishes from my grandma, my aunt forgot my birthday and so did my oldest brother…

Dear Journal,

I have long been wondering if there exists such a thing as pure evil. I am keen to think that there is no such thing as pure evil that exists in a person from childbirth to death. Do you follow me? like I kind of tend to think that the ‘pure evil’ we sometimes describe certain people with is something that has been grown in them through experiences and traumas they’ve experienced. In thinking so, often the criminal becomes the victim and most people cannot accept that, so often when I venture into a discussion of this topic I am often deemed weird or ‘phsycopathlover’.

  If we look at harry potter, my all-time favorite book series. Lord Voldemort is probably the closest we can get to a character being seen as pure evil. But there are many factors in Lord Voldemort’s life that leads me to think that it is not his fault at all.

Like he was born motherless and fatherless in an orphanage, not only that but an orphanage that seems kinda dodgy… like there was no love at all, I think I read that it was with a lot of children so little lordy didn’t get the attention a child needs to thrive. He was the odd one out, not popular and bullied… he shows early signs of being a psychopath (not showing remorse or feelings towards harming people) he seems to have no continence. He goes on a killing spree, killing muggles that so resemble the farther who abandoned his mother and his unborn self. I think Lord Voldemort is misunderstood he is just very unfortunate, his life started going to hell the moment he was born. He is deep down very guilt ridden because his mother died giving birth to him (i. e. he thinks he killed his own mother) his dad left him before he was even born… then he goes and discovers that he is a wizard and his father is a muggle… hatred is easier than forgiveness. He becomes a muggle killer, had he had a sense of remorse he would not have gone as far as he had… but psychopathy is an illness and not something the victim is in control of, and it saddens me that there was just no way in hell Lord Voldemort would grow up with all of these factors in play and still become a normal human being. His fate was written even before he had a chance to change.

  This leads me to once again question those who swear that true evil exists in some people (often people like terrorists are seen as pure evil, I have so much to say on the topic of evil and terrorism that it’ll have to be another post entirely) because as I see it there exists no evil, only people who grow up being taught to hate, or grow up being taught nothing of acceptance and respect for others… or people like voldy who grow up without love and affection, these are the poorest souls out there because they learn nothing of love, and in substitute of the emotion of love they have hate.. and they grow up hating everyone who ever experienced the love they never had themselves… 

  Okay so that was way different than what I usually talk about… and I don’t feel qualified to sound this artsy fartsy, not that I am revoking what I just said… I’m just saying… I’m no psychologist. Right now I am in a dizzy haze of influenza… you know that kind of influenza where your head is spinning and you feel kind of high and whoozy. Yeah that right there is me right now, and in my haze of world spinning and delusional thinking I find myself pondering these very big questions of life… like why are there homophobes in the world… homophobia is taught by the parents… so when a homophobe verbally attacks you, you know that it was his parents who made him this way…

My dearest blog, my love…

  I have been away for a long time… I would have made something up like say I’d been busy doing important stuff… but I haven’t. I’ve had a writer’s block and I just couldn’t be bothered to even go on tumbler to check my dashboard… in fact I unfollowed everything to be free of people’s stupid posts about irrelevant stuff… like why the hell would I care about your daily fashion or what you had for dinner!? Go eat a live turkey you twat.

Okay, so as it turns out I’m a right ragemonster here on my blog… I hope you don’t mind, and if you… well then you have my sincere and heartfelt apology.

So my writer’s block is nearly gone… and I got a job… finally! I got a mother fucking job! Yes! Saving money like a pro mother fucker! I’m going to public high school motherfuckers! It’s so nice to know that I’ll be able to afford it!!!! *insert extremely happy face!