I have grown closer to the idea of actually becoming like ā¦ best friends with someoneā¦ Christ Nolongerlonghair has compromised my situation hereā¦ turns out, and Iāve known this for a very long time, that Nolongerlonghair hates one of my friendsā¦ and well I am sorta becoming best friends with this person, letās call him curlsareforgirlsā¦
Well she told me, when he first contacted me via facebook (he wrote this endearing sweet sweet message about how he kinda liked me and stuff, I know cute right?) that she didnāt want to ever be seen near him if I befriended himā¦ and I got, not gonna lie here, really really offended by her snobbyness (again sorry nolongerlonghair) in fact as I am writing this I get kinda mad at her... okay so her reason for not wanting to even learn anything about this guy? Let me tell you:
She found him ugly. There, that apparently is enough reason to shun a person from ever coming near me? Like what the fuck!? First of all, my opinion about people being ugly, my honest to god opinion is: fuck that shit.
To my friend I am always like, āyeah youāre probably rightāā¦ and because she is so unaccepting I will go behind her back and just not tell her stuff, because guess what? I have found one of the kindest souls ever in this guy, and we have everything in common. We do stuff together that others donāt want to, example: He lets me chose the movie, so last time we hung out we watched two anime movies and it was great. I tell him everything, well not everything, because who really gets everything about me? Apparently I donāt ever tell any one person the bare-to-the-bones truth about meā¦ but I tell him about what it is like when I smoke weed and eat shroomsā¦ that is pretty honestā¦
I mean who is she to judge the people I associate myself with and how can she feel that she is so much better than curlsareforgirls? I mean, okay he is not the best looking guy out there, but neither is she the best looking girl out thereā¦ and why do we feel this need to measure our own status in society after other peoples physical exterior? Like do you feel qualified to be better than everyone else if you are hotter than them? This judging system is one of the most unattractive traits in a person, and I am almost ashamed to say that my best friend uses this on probably a daily basisā¦
Do you want my honest opinion again? No? well fuck you and take it anyway: Skin is what surrounds our bodies, it is made from billions of cells, organisms, and what not to keep us alive, to keep us functioning. Skin is our outer layer, the layer everyone sees and apparently judges us byā¦ but does anyone ever think about how awesome everyones skin is? Like without it we would die! I am thankful to have my skin, and curlsareforgirls is thankful for hisā¦ apparently we are some of the only ones who love our skin!? Physical appearances is one of the most judged things about us human beings, and society constantly feeds us with models to make us crave a more aesthetic appearance.. but who are we really kidding? Weāre never going to amount to thatā¦ and I am sad to say that most people who actually amounts to that often hates themselves afterwards because they let go of themselves along the wayā¦Ā Ā tell me what you think blog, am I wrong here? Or am I just high on too much ice-cream and coco right now?
I mean, curlsareforgirls and I talked this over the other day, the whole question of what beauty is and all that crap and we were both very much on the same page about the whole question of the ideal beauty of the modern age: that it has deteriorated, not only in the beauty it holds but also in the bodily functionā¦ this is us comparing the image of beauty from a hundred years ago (a fuller woman with love handles and all) with a skeleton from the runways of this yearās spring summer collectionā¦ and the bad condition such a thin body is inā¦
I am getting sidetracked here, I just want to say this:
If I am to go all gay and lesbian on a woman, my choice of woman has been Adele for a very long time. There is something about her and her fight for fame that I deeply admireā¦ she is stunning in every way and I would feel honored to go down on her.
This is to say that I have a weakness for people who might not be the ideal of modern beauty, but rather make you think outside the box and rewrite the book of your own personal idealsā¦
I leave you with this question: what is beauty?
Ā I canāt tell you what beauty is today, because I think the term ābeautyā got screwed up along the way. But I can tell you what beauty really should be: the way you describe yourself and the people around you, for example: curlsareforgirlsās beauty is his intelligence that he hides from most people, it is the wonder that is his true laugh and the way he gets nervous when I look him in the eyes for too long. It is his morals and his ability to say no to things even though I say yes. And it is the skin that surrounds his body, covered in pimples and reddish, it is still beautiful, and so is my skin marred by stretch marks from before I lost weight.
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On the 22nd December Anna2 send me a message on Facebook. She asked if I wanted to come over and make pancakesā¦ and I assumed automatically that she also wanted to get high. Iāve been craving an escape from my life for a good long while so of course I said yes.Ā And that is how I ended up getting high off my tits on an evening that I was supposed to spend with my family.
I felt extra philosophical while high so I grabbed my phone and this is what I wrote:
And I was sitting there at loss for wordsā¦ I was so at peace for the first time in a very long time. Anna2 curled up under the same duvet as me and just as high and calm as me. Listening to quiet romantic music and there was just no words needed. So warm and numb from all of the shit that has been happening in the rest of the world... or at least my world. With all the things that have been happening and my lack of emptions about it it was just nice to be at peace with it and not always ponder my lack of emotions.
Ā Ā On the 23rd I packed up with my mom and we went to our vacation house for the Christmasā¦ Iāve been without the internet for a while and it hasnāt been all that bad actually. I went on another date with Smilesandsixpacks and I donāt think I want to root for a third oneā¦ unless of course I get really lonely. I donāt know, I just donāt find his face attractive and I donāt really find him funny to be withā¦ I mean he wanted to kiss a lot and every time he wanted to kiss me I just felt like I had no choiceā¦ I didnāt really feel the need to kiss him back. Anyway I am going to school in a few days, maybe Iāll meet someone nice there so I donāt want to get tied downā¦ or at least thatās the excuse Iāve used on everyone else.
I guess some of the truth came out while I was high on the 22ndā¦ I feel superior to Smilesandsixpacks and that must be the reason why I donāt like him.
You know that feeling that makes you dizzy in all the right ways when a guy (or girl) you like looks at you in that special way? When stars appear in your vision and you feel like throwing up and laughing about it? That sign that you are really into someoneā¦ I donāt feel any of that towards Smilesandsixpacks, and I know when I usually talk here on my blog I seem crude and uncivilized and completely without the need for emotionsā¦ but when Smilesandsixpacks looks at me I just feel nothing.
Iāve done shrooms and he hasnāt. He is kinda stupid and I am kinda smart. I have grades in the high end of the scale and he is touching the bottom of the scale.
I donāt know why this bothers me so muchā¦ I mean maybe itās just him who is bothering me and not his intellect. And I certainly donāt know why I cannot just like him; I mean heās a decent guy. Truth be told I never really felt anything about himā¦ other than unsure and insecure.
My oldest brother has everything. I am jealous and angry; I am not ashamed to admit that here on my blog. Iād never say it out loud of course. But I am. I am uncontrollably jealous of my brotherās life. He is so easy to figure out; he had the best grades and every opportunity in the world. He is nearly done with vet school and he has a girlfriend he is moving in with and they are already talking about kids and a house and marriage.
His girlfriend is niceā¦ I like herā¦ I might have had a bit of a crush on herā¦ but it is because she is so perfect and nice. I kind of hate it he always has to seem so fucking perfect. He is a bully; he bullies me and my other brother at every chance he gets. My other brother is downright evil. He knows where my weak spots are and he prods and pokes me till I break. Iāve been bullied by this brother for years on end; my parents could not do anything about it. And I am just supposed to forget it and move on? Truth be told it hurts me a little every time I lay my eyes on my brothers.
Anna2 wants me to move in with her in the city she is studying in and there are just so many reasons why that is a bad idea. She is undependable she is irresponsible, she treats me bad, she is unstable and she is a drug addictā¦ I know people say that you canāt get addicted to potā¦ but she sure needs it every day.
Lately Iāve been thinking about whether or not I am insane or at least on some level not normal in my headā¦ I have yet to discover if I am insaneā¦ but it sure as hell feels like it right now.
The other day I was visiting Jonathan in my mind. Jonathan is a character from one of the stories that I am writing... we were talking about his relationship with another character I have created and which way he could see this story going and where heād like to end upā¦ and all of a sudden he takes out a knife and stabs me through the hand and into the table my hand had been resting on. I donāt know if he is trying to tell me something, but Iāve been kinds scared to return to him in my thoughts and I havenāt written another word on his story for about two weeksā¦Ā
Thereās something immensely therapeutic about writing in your diary while youāre sitting on the toilet. This is something I have discovered within the last few weeks. Itās just nice.
Iām going to a Christmas party tonight as a sort of reunion for old studentsā¦ all my former teachers will be thereā¦ this is going to be so fucking awkwardā¦ and my mission for tonight is to be mega fucking hot and be all like cold shoulder, hmm hmm snap snap. <-- Iām trying to be ghetto, if you couldnāt figure that out.Ā
So after tonight I might be ready to die, I mean all of my teachers and me drunkā¦ this is bound to get embarrassing and humiliating. Oh well whatās life if you donāt live it, right?Ā
(If I get the chance I'm gonna go all kinds of crazy on my former english teachers dick yo, I mean c'mon he's major hot) <- you never heard me say that.Ā
Ā So.. itās been a while, or well.. it hasnāt really. It feels like a long time since I last posted here.
Iām having a weird day today. Or well a weird week to be truthful.
So like two days ago I realized that Iāve done absolutely nothing with my life, yeah itās one of those days. So realizing I was alive, a living breathing wonderment of this world, I cried tears of happiness over the sheer wonder that was my creation, my life, my living functioning body. Really, people take everything forgiven. Do you ever just stop up in the middle of your actions, look at your handsā¦ and you can almost see the bones and the muscles that bind them together, you wiggle your fingers and just look at them. Amazingā¦ the fact that I can walk, the fact that my heart, hidden away in my body, can beatā¦I am amazed at my own functioning. It is truly exectional and phenomenal that I can function without even thinking about it! And what have I given back to this world? Nothing.
I had all these plans for what I wanted to do once I got out of schoolā¦ and I have just done nothing except sleep with Angelhair mc. Puriton (who is texting me again) and panic over being almost twenty and doing nothingā¦. You see? It is a vicious circle: I realize I am doing nothing, then I canāt create I canāt be creative when Iām panicked, and then I panic even deeper. Itās really anxiety attacks over being afraid that I am wasting my youth and creativity.. what if I lost my creativity? What if I broke my handsā¦ what could I then do with my life? Nothing! Whaaaaa help me!!!!!! I need to stop panicking! It is ruining me! I am in the middle of a mean writerās block, and worse than thatā¦ I just donāt even feel like uploading chapters Iāve written aheadā¦
What am I talking about? Iāll tell you.
I am an internet writer, now what does that mean? I write stories and post them online. I have a system for this, I write chapters ahead of what my audience, so that right now they are at chapter 23 and I am writing on chapter 36. Usually when I have a writerās block I still post chapter but this time around I canāt bring myself to do anythingā¦
I should just go back to sleepā¦
Iāll leave now, and come back in a few days I think..Ā
